December 19

”No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.” Matthew 6:24

I’ve used many different ways to describe living with addiction, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, feeding two wolves, and others. There is a distinct dichotomy that exists within, the addict and the rest of me. Like any mental illness, the hardest struggle in dealing with my disease happens internal, unseen and mostly unknown to those around me. I tried for years to serve both masters, the normal person at work, with my family and friends, and the addict in secret, in the dark places and quiet hours. Yet although I thought I was in control and was managing, the truth was that I was only fooling myself and eventually those around me. I could not love both at the same time. I could not commit to both equally. I could not support them both with enough energy and effort to sustain them without the other suffering. And for too long, the dominate side was my addiction. Today, through the steps and friends in the program, I have found a new balance. It is the tools of recovery and my outer circle activities and behaviours that dictate the flow of my life. In focusing on new, positive ways of embracing the challenges of life, I am no longer enslaved by my addiction.

Affirmation

The hope of the program, of my Higher Power, is gaining freedom to be myself and not a slave to my addictive behaviours.

December 18

”Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes is what is called experience.” Denis Waitley

The program talks often about members sharing their strength, hope and wisdom. This often happens when someone shares their personal experience. This is one of the most precious moments in a meeting for me, when I am privileged to hear someone share their own story. I gain insight into my own life, my own recovery when I can relate to someone else’s history, see their struggle and their work to overcome the obstacles and challenges before them. Just as my openness to listen to others improves my recovery, so does my willingness to share honestly about my own path. When I find the courage to speak about my own mistakes and successes, when I can share how the program is aiding me in moving in a better direction, it’s more than just personal affirmation that the Steps are making a difference. I also give a testament to other members of the power of working the program. In working the steps, by taking the time for the introspection required to better understand myself and the underlying causes and effects of my addiction, I have also begun the process of turning my mistakes into fuel for improvement. Learning from the past is making my future look brighter, and I am gaining wisdom from the experiences that I have had in my life.

Affirmation

Accepting my past, reflecting upon my mistakes and wisdom, and forging ahead with new knowledge and tools – this is how the program helps me transform my ways towards a better life.

December 17

” When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Lao Tzu

Steps 3 and 6 are about letting go. Step 3 is about letting go of our own will, and becoming open to the will of a Higher Power to guide us to sanity. It’s a turning point for many where we admit, where I admitted, that there had to be a different way to live. It was at that point where I had to trust in something outside myself to lead me down a healthier road, even if I didn’t fully understand what exactly I was putting my faith in at the time. I only knew that I was no longer able to rely on my own broken thinking to get me there. By Step 6 I was ready to start the process of being re-made. This is where I again chose to be willing for change, to allow for my defects of character, my tried and true ways of dealing with life, to be removed. Looking back it reminds me of the work I did to restore my first car, the stripping and sanding of all the body work to get it prepared for restoration. Working Step 6 is a preparation to remove things that no longer work to support a healthy way of living, in order to have the capacity to accept something new and better in its place. It is acknowledging that we are broken, but having faith that letting go will propel us forward. Both these steps were critical on my path of recovery to help me experience true transformation. It was the shedding of my protective coverings, my old habits, my behaviours that had out-lived their purpose. My Higher Power has been true to His nature, replacing those weather-worn practices with ways that have indeed improved my quality of living, my serenity, and ultimately my sanity.

Affirmation

Letting go is a difficult, but necessary, part of my transformation on my journey of recovery. The pain is worth the reward.