November 18

”If you're having a string of failures, find a way to find the 'bless in the mess'.  Embedded in the problems might be a way to find future successes.” Loretta Laroche

Life in addiction was wading through chaos. The worst part was that when there wasn’t enough going on to keep the cycle going, I found ways to create more chaos to keep the machine going. Life only made sense when there was a big mess to deal with, and my acting out was the best way to survive. My blessing of that mess has certainly being finding my way to the 12-Steps. Nothing has helped me more to start finding gems from my troubles to move towards some small successes. I think the best gift has been becoming a wounded healer. This is the place where I can find the best from the worst of my life. It is from my lowest points that I find connection points with others who suffer like I have and can help shine a light for them to find the start of their own path to recovery. My struggles, challenges, and failures that pushed me to the edge of my own destruction are now part of a life-line I can offer to others to offer them safety.

Affirmation In the worst there is something to learn, something that can be turned into a positive. I will look for ways to turn things around today.

August 12

”Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side – to take us around the unknown curve.” Lillian Smith

Faith in my Higher Power, in myself, in my support network – all these help me to push forward and to face new challenges. Yet on the same hand doubt can force me to keep hold of the reins, to not charge blindly ahead but to proceed with some caution and well-reasoned intent. In this aspect I quite agree that they work hand-in-hand to help me seek the unknown in a more controlled and deliberate fashion. Recklessness and chaos were characteristics of my addiction. Acting with no regard for the consequences, simply succumbing to the lure of the promised “high” at the end of the journey was all that mattered. No consideration was given for the aftermath. Nor was there any worry about those I may hurt along the way, including myself, to reach the goal of my obsession. My goals today have returned to have a valuable meaning. Just as important, if not more so, are all the steps that I must take to reach the summit. They now need to be steps of integrity, honesty, respect and responsibility, for no longer does the end justified by the means. I need to be my authentic, recovering self each step of the way.

Affirmation I am returning balance to my life and acting more in ways that are congruent with my values and ethics.