May 29

”Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I have no idea what my Higher Power looks like. It would be quite a chore to try and describe it to someone else. Simply, it’s a power greater than me. It is a being or a force that governs the universe and that has infinite knowledge and power. Yet, however I define it, this is not the most important factor. The critical element is that I believe in this supernatural entity, that I have the faith in all the qualities and characteristics that I believe it encompasses. You can believe in Mother Nature, Buddha, science and technology, God (as you understand Him), love or even a pink and blue polka-dotted dragon named Sven if you wish. It doesn’t matter to me. As long as this is your Source of faith and trust that there is a greater order to life, that something else can hear your prayers and offer guidance, this to me defines a Higher Power that works. Some days it can be hard not to wish that I could pick up the phone and go for a coffee with my Higher Power. It would be nice to have concrete proof of His existence. But the times I feel like this are rare. I have seen too many “coincidences” in my life not to believe that something greater than me exists. I am certainly grateful for this belief as putting my trust in Him has helped me regain my serenity in recovery.

Affirmation

I trust in my Higher Power because I know seeking His will and letting go of what I cannot control lead me to a happier and healthier life.

April 23

”You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.” Mahatma Gandhi

Life in recovery is quite different than a few years ago at the height of my addiction. Whereas I used to spend as much time hiding from the world, and trying to do as little as possible that wasn’t acting out, today I am trying to enjoy each and every moment. While I am working at being present, making better choices, I am still not aware of all the results of my actions. Things can happen days, weeks, or even longer after I have done something that seemed pretty insignificant at the time. So there has been a lot for me to learn in turning things over to the will of my Higher Power and trusting in His path. I can’t foresee what the future holds, nor what may come from the simplest choices in the longer term. I have seen enough good, even great things come from small choices to disregard the fact that there is a bigger plan in the world in which I play but a small part. Doing nothing is no longer a viable option in my life. I have gained too much self-awareness through the Steps to ever consider going back to where I came from. I am seeing rewards that I never dreamt would have been possible in the short time that I have given my life over. Why would I even want to consider stopping what is having such a profound impact on my own life and those who I come into contact with? Recovery is so much better than anything I have ever experienced before.

Affirmation

I will focus on doing what I can today, and will work at turning things over to my Higher Power to follow the path that is being laid out before me.

April 5

”Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.” Benjamin Franklin

Finances are one of my big triggers. I wish I could say that it’s been the stress of having too much money, but rather it’s been the opposite. I am glad it is one of the many relationships in my life that I am learning to deal with in healthier ways. A recent workshop put my new views of wealth to the test. All the participants we asked in advance to choose the denomination of a bill that they felt best represented their personal value and to bring it to the event. This made me think for a few days about how much I felt I was worth. I am happy that, in the end, I decided that I wasn’t able to compare myself to a dollar figure. I recognized that I am worth more than money and that I couldn’t equate myself to a price. I won’t spoil the rest of the exercise by sharing it here, but I was enlightened by my personal experience, and by those shared by the other participants. It opened my eyes to see how differently money affects people and the influence it can have in one’s life. I am happy that this is a place where I regularly turn things over to my Higher Power and let go.

Affirmation

Today I will be thankful for those things in my life that have true value and be wary of worshipping false idols.

March 29

”Having talent is like having blue eyes. You don't admire a man for the colour of his eyes. I admire a man for what he does with his talent.” Michael Caine

I’m firm believer in the fact that I was put here for a purpose. I have faith that my Higher Power not only created me for a reason, but that I was given the talents necessary to realize that goal as well. So therefore I have an obligation to discover what my talents are, to practice and strengthen them, and most importantly, use them so that they will be shared with the world. This page, like those before it and those I expect to follow, is part of the sharing of my talents. My writing I know is an extension of my connection to the God of my understanding. It is my own wisdom shared for others to find and take into their own lives. I know that it has been my own words staring back at me that have reminded me of a message I truly needed to hear. That kind of evidence of a Higher Power is hard to ignore. I also see that evidence of a talent shared is something that draws me to other people. I am less interested in those who have great appearances than I am towards those making an honest effort to exploit their talents for the betterment of others. These are the kinds of people I want to surround myself with, who I know will be there for me no matter what, and who have a better appreciation of what it means to truly live.

Affirmation Step 12 tells me to seek to give back to the program, and to the world, the gift of recovery so that others may also share in its success, and my talents will help to do so.

December 25

”I wish we could put some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” Harlan Miller

I think this is true of many things, patience, love, kindness – it would be nice when we have an excess to be able to take some and store it away to be available when we are in short supply. I imagine having a little pantry with a bunch of glass jars, filled with lights of various colors for all these attributes I wish could be stock-piled, waiting for the day when I need a little boost. The truth is that I have something in my life now that has an endless supply. My recovery program is teaching me that I am no longer alone, that I have the accompaniment of a Higher Power, who is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent – all powerful, all-knowing, and always present. I am learning that on my own I am not able to walk this path before me, but that in surrendering to the will of my Higher Power I will also be granted all that I need to succeed. Therein in lies my infinite supply of whatever is required to live the life I am meant to have. Prayer and meditation are my ways to ask and receive what I need most. When I seek guidance to know the will of the God of my understanding, I am asking for the tools and capabilities to follow through with His plans. So I can have a little bit of Christmas with me every day of the year, as long as I ask for it.

Affirmation My Higher Power will provide me with everything I need if I but ask, and seek to know the path I am to follow.

November 10

”Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm.” Norma Vincent Peale

As one member puts it, he continues to come to meetings to place himself amongst the coals and heat of others in recovery, to rekindle his own flame and spark to continue working his program. It is true I often see my meetings in a similar fashion, that sitting with like-minded, and similar afflicted but coping people, gives me a boost to keep pursuing my own growth and change. I may share my own experience, strength and hope, but I also receive the same from everyone who offers their own to the group. Addiction taught me that no one was worthy of trust, that I was meant to succeed in life by no one’s will and effort but my own. Obviously, that was not a path or reality that really worked. Recovery and the 12 Steps are teaching me that life requires the assistance of others, that things work better when I reach out and put my faith not only in my fellow man, but also in a Higher Power. It is in gaining a sense of community that I will grow and find happiness. It makes sense when my world consisted only of me, myself and I, that life’s blows seemed the most devastating. There was nothing and no one for me to fall back on. However, now that I know I am not alone, that there is a team of people rooting for me and supporting me, I can more readily face the challenges of life. I carry a seed of enthusiasm and hope within, but I am aware that it is fueled and sustained by those who surround me.

Affirmation May my fire of recovery burn brightly, may I seek similar spirits to kindle my flame and keep the flame of change ever-lit.

October 27

”God may be subtle, but he isn’t plain mean.” Albert Einstein

I don’t believe my Higher Power is mean or that it’s His will for me to have a life of only difficulty and struggle. People, though, I am less certain about. Knowing how I was in my active addiction, when I was the furthest from the will of the God of my understanding, I know I was not the nicest person to those around me. And even though I thought I was being subtle in most cases, in retrospect many of my actions were pretty deliberate and blatant. Part of me is glad to acknowledge that when I open myself up to following the way laid before me by my spiritual guide that life is better. I still face challenges, to be certain, but I am less worried about making it through. Knowing I have this power behind me helps me when the challenges I face are created by other people, and helps me not to blame either them or God for difficulties that confront me. I still have moments when I want to be in charge, would prefer that things went my way, or simply lack the faith to fully trust my Higher Power. Yet I know that it is the better, healthier way, as surrendering has made the biggest impact in my life. I know all too well that I haven’t done such a great job in directing my life on my own to this point. Maybe letting the man upstairs take the wheel is not such a bad idea after all.

Affirmation Bad things will happen in my life, but I can trust my Higher Power that I will make it through as long as I continue to follow his direction.

August 20

”For with God nothing shall be impossible.” Luke 1:37

Surrendering to the will of my Higher Power has likely been the most challenging, but also rewarding, part of my recovery. Letting go, looking for direction on how to live as opposed to trying make things happen as I wish or believe they should be, has given me a freedom I scarce believed existed while I was ill and struggling in my addiction. On nearly a daily basis I can see proof of my Higher Power’s influence in my life. It happens in the events I experience and the people I encounter. It even happens directly to me, and it certainly has been evident in most of my writing. I can no longer ignore the fact, my belief, that there is someone else out there with a master plan, and that there is a role for me to play. So when life takes a turn for the worse these days, I am more at peace, and more able to stop and pray for help and guidance. I can ask my Higher Power to get through whatever I am facing, or turn the situation over to him with the confidence that it will work out the way he has planned if I am patient. I am more likely to seek, and listen to, the counsel of others than in the past. I no longer have the desire to be the only one who knows what is right and what needs to be done. I am content to let someone else hold the reins, yet I realize I still need to uphold my responsibilities and duties. For with God as my partner, all things are possible.

Affirmation I am willing to turn my life over to the care of God, as I understand him, and to seek to do his will today.

July 20

”The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Destiny, fate, karma – these are still some concepts that I have difficulty in looking at. Was I destined to become an addict, was it fate that predetermined my path to get here? I used to question myself like this frequently in my early recovery. As I have grown in the program and rekindled my connection to my Higher Power, I have been less concerned about these ideas. I am happy turning my life and will over to the care of the God of my understanding. I trust that the path he has laid before me is a good one. And I guess if you want to look at it that way, it is a destiny of a sort. The difference in this new way of living is that I am no longer trying to bend the universe to my own will. I no longer strive to have things my way, when and how I want them to be. I am no longer so conceited to see myself as the centre of it all. Instead I am seeking to share my talents, my hope, strength and experience with others. I would rather serve others. I can still lead by example by do not demand to be followed. I seek forgiveness and compassion. I am striving to become the person my Higher Power had in mind, do to His will and to help others along the way. And that is indeed a noble pursuit.

Affirmation I will ask for guidance today to see the path my Higher Power has lain before me and for the courage and strength to do his Will.

July 7

”Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” Veronice Roth

I am redeemed. I am remade. I am worthy. I matter. I deserve goodness and to be happy. These are the small things that my Higher Power, through His grace, has given me and that I now hold in my possession. Not because I deserve them, not because I have asked for forgiveness, and not because I have made amends. I have all these gifts because I believe that He made me in His image, and that He gave His son to the world for all of our sins. My views of perfection are changing. I want to be more like the God of my understanding, more selfless, fuller of unconditional love, and certainly more humble. I am learning the power to give, to forgive, and to surrender. I am starting to walk more like a child of God. I no longer struggle as much to live by my own will and for my own desire. When I find myself faced with a tough decision, I am more likely to pray for the wisdom to find the path my Higher Power has lain before me. When I feel overwhelmed, I get on my knees and surrender, turning the situation over to His care. I am acutely aware that He can do things for me that I cannot do on my own. And I am happy be of service.

Affirmation I will seek to serve today rather make demands; to follow rather than lead, to surrender rather than fight. It is the will of my Higher Power that keeps me sane.

June 20

”If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” J. M. Power

I can relate to feeling like I have only awoken since finding the 12-Steps and starting to come to terms with my addiction. Having lived under the influence of that obsessive and compulsive power for so many years, I was sleep-walking through life. It feels so much better to be taking a more active role in my life rather than submitting to an unknown and insatiable master. This is certainly one of the many places where my Higher Power differs greatly from the many false idols I have worshipped over the years. The God of my understanding does not try to control me, makes no demands, and is always present to support me through whatever happens. I know that this power greater than me genuinely cares, and is not selfish and self-centered like my addiction. I do feel like I have had a rebirth, been given a second chance at life. My continuing awareness allows me to connect with others, with the world around me, rather than trying to isolate and hide from everything and everyone. I am able to enjoy life and all its ups and downs, no longer content to walk around in the fog of addiction.

Affirmation I will redeem myself through my thoughts and actions today.  I will re-dream myself.

October 16

”What a new face courage puts on everything.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Courage can change my outlook on life. I continue to face many trials as I move forward in recovery and I am not always brave enough to face up to them right away. I find myself repeating the Serenity Prayer, asking my Higher Power for the courage to continue advancing along the path of recovery and doing his will. Sometimes courage comes directly from within, often it comes from others around me, friends or members in the program who support and encourage me. I need courage as well for the things that are going well in my life. I still have a difficult time accepting the good things. I need to be ok with having positive events occur and not feel a need to sabotage them. M old thoughts of feeling like I am not worthy or deserving still creep into my head from time to time. Courage here is a lead-in to my renewed faith that the God of my understanding has my best interests at heart. People, places and things will continue to come and go. Some will help challenge me to grow, some will support and others will try to disrupt and destroy. All that I have overcome so far in my brief time in recovery is proof that I can move through life without reliance on my addiction as a power greater than myself.

Affirmation My Higher Power promises to lead me to sanity if I but trust and ask. The courage to do this will help me confront all situations.

August 31

”Courage is resistance to fear, masking of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain

Being in recovery is scary business. Facing life without the safety and security of my addiction can be frightening. Even though I see and hear that the program and faith in a Higher Power works for others in recovery, it is another thing entirely to make those steps on my own. Yet each challenge I face in sobriety, with the knowledge of my Higher Power by my side and my fellowship supporting me, strengthens my resolve and determination to live without the crutch of my drug of choice. Courage is a muscle that I can strengthen through use. I have faced seriously challenging and emotionally charged situations in recovery, sane and sober, that I could never have imagined having survived without resorting to acting out only a short time ago. God is a continued blessing in my life as I reprioritize my spiritual health. When I lack the strength, patience or courage I know help is only a prayer away. Meditation and gratitude complete the triangle of my spiritual life. To help keep me balanced and whole, in good times and in bad.

Affirmation I may be afraid to face life without my old coping mechanisms but I can take heart that others in the program have gone before me and succeeded.

July 14

”Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all – and hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.” G. K. Chesterton

I am human, I am flawed, I have limitations. I may have been created in God’s image, but this copy is severely lacking in omnipotence. Yet there is hope in this darkness. My Higher Power, as I understand Him, is willing to work through me, to let me love unconditionally, to forgive everything and anything, to have unending and enduring faith and hope. I need only ask and let myself be open to letting Him guide me. On my own ability I will always fall short; I simply do not have the capacity to do these things like my Higher Power can. Trying to live like this is completely different than anything I have ever tried. It requires a near complete surrender to God’s will and acceptance of those things I cannot control. It requires me to love my enemies like my friends, to be brutally honest with myself and others, to love myself as I am – the good, the bad and the ugly. It is easily the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do, and it takes strength beyond that which I possess. I need to pray regularly to live as my Higher Power sees fit. I have not given complete trust into this process but I am making an effort.

Affirmation I am capable of many things but with my Higher Power by my side anything is impossible.

July 11

”A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.” English Proverb

My day usually starts by praying to God to ask Him for the strength to pick up my cross and carry it. I wear a crucifix pendant around my neck, and have pretty much since I was a teenager, but have been more conscious that it is a reminder that my Higher Power is always with me. Yet I still acknowledge that there will be challenges and difficulties that meet me each day. Being in recovery and dealing with life on life’s terms still can be daunting. I am learning how I can apply my recovery tools in many real world situations, but it still takes time and energy. The most useful tool is probably still the Serenity Prayer in helping me look at those things that are actually within my control and those that I can do nothing about. It is clear that adversity and the tests of life are the stimulation I need to keep making changes in my life. Working the steps provides opportunities to remove obstacles between me and the God of my understanding. At the same time I am gaining incredible self-awareness and the ability to feel like a whole person again. The hard work of facing life’s challenges pays off in the rewards of building my character.

Affirmation I will take on today’s challenges with the knowledge that my Higher Power is standing beside me, cheering for me to succeed, learn and grow.

June 28

”Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be the night, and we can scarcely see the way.” Charles B. Newcomb

Cycling is one of my favorite forms of exercise. It is something I used to do a lot in my youth that I have only recently put back into my life. I remember in my younger days how I used to bike at night, on my way home from work, a friend’s place, or simply to have some time alone. On many of those night trips I used to speak to God as I pedalled, it was my time where I felt at ease to speak my mind. Recently I have restarted the practice of talking to my Higher Power while riding my bike. The combination of being close to nature, exercising and breathing fresh air, plus the memories of years ago makes me feel at home in having these conversations. There is an added comfort in reconnecting to parts of my past that were healthy and constructive. Praying while on a bike path at night where I can only see as far as my lights gives me the impression of being alone with God. At the same time, I find a strong metaphor in having to put my faith in Him to show me the way. I may be in control of the bike and what I can see, but everything in the darkness is in His hands. Yet I trust and believe that He will guide me to the right place.

Affirmation I can look for behaviours from my past that were positive but which I stopped because of my addiction. Putting them back into my life is important for my recovery.

June 16

”He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.” Arabian proverb

My new found hope may come from within, but it is strengthened and maintained through faith in my Higher Power. I am learning in my humility that I will only achieve truly great and profound things through the love, faith and patience that the God of my understanding can provide. Turning over my life and my will, surrendering myself to this unseen force is the only way for me to live the life I was meant to have. By God’s grace I am on this planet and I believe there is a specific purpose for my life even if I have not yet recognized it. But I have confidence that through His wisdom I can achieve all that serves His purpose. I am working through the steps of the program to remove the obstacles to my connection with my Higher Power. In doing so I am transforming myself to be able to better serve Him. I am open in my prayer and meditation to the instruction of where to put forth my energies. I am being reborn into the person I was meant to be as I gradually give away my defects of character.

Affirmation I can feel the change from within. I am open to the guidance of my Higher Power and the true path I am meant to follow.

May 24

”Conscience is the root of all courage; if a man would be brave let him obey his conscience.” James Freeman Clarke

In my active addiction I affectively blocked out that small inner voice of my conscience. What? Who are you? Go away! As I progress in my recovery, I have become increasingly aware that the voice is returning.  I am listening to it on a more regular basis and even following its advice. My Higher Power exists in all people; therefore there must be a presence that emanates from within me. I call at least part of the power greater than myself my conscience. Just as I need to be open to my Higher Power working through others, I have to pay attention to my own internal dialogue and “gut instinct.” I am gaining the ability to pause when something within me just doesn’t feel right and re-evaluate the situation. Courage to continue doing the right thing, to keep turning away from my middle and inner circle behaviours is something that I need to pray for regularly. Listening for the guiding voice, taking the time to meditate and reflect to listen for the answers to my prayers is useful in maintaining my openness to the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I will acknowledge my inner voice today and consider how I feel before taking actions.

April 17

”Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many – not upon your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” Charles Dickens

One of the most interesting things I experienced in treatment was a gratitude meeting. It’s a simple idea where everyone in a meeting takes a turn stating one thing they are grateful for. Everyone takes a turn and it keeps going for a predetermined amount of time. It’s important to give thanks for the good things in our life. The other reason such moments of gratitude are so important is that they are also a way of changing our thought patterns. Whereas our addiction feeds best on negative thinking, we need to increase our positive thinking to aid in our recovery. Giving thanks and counting our blessings is one great way to do just that. Expressing our gratitude also strengthens our relationship with our Higher Power. It increases our hope and reasons to stay sober each day. As well it will strengthen our self-esteem and help us to love ourselves as we are.

Affirmation I will take time today to be grateful for the positive in my life. I can give thanks and praise.

March 24

”Nothing hath separated us from God but our own will, or rather our own will is our separation from God.” William Lau

In looking at our past, at our compulsive behaviours and how it controlled our lives, we usually discover that we have put effort into a power greater than ourselves – our addiction. In doing so, we’ve likely stopped most of the activities that help us stay connected to our Higher Power, be it God, Mother Nature, the Universe…most of our energy has gone into feeding our addiction. Not only have we lost our connection to our spiritual centre, we have likely lost many of our favourite activities and friends due to the all-consuming nature of our addictive behaviour. This is why finding things to put into our outer circle is so important; we need to find ways to re-establish a healthy and complete life. Working the 12 Steps will help us to release the old ways of living and free us to restart doing the things that gives us our connection to our Higher Power. We can make the conscious decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a power greater than ourselves and trust that this will lead us back to sanity.

Affirmation I will give today over to my Higher Power and let His will guide my actions.