July 31

”Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

My attitude can be the defining factor between a disagreement and an argument. A lot depends on the position I take, how willing I am to be listen and receive someone else’s viewpoint. These are all things within my control, and sometimes that simply reminder of the Serenity Prayer can give me the precious moments to pause in a situation and prevent me from making things worse. That’s not always the case. There are still times when I am caught off guard, where I am vulnerable because I am tired or not in the best mood to begin with, or I simply don’t have the right attitude to be loving. This brings me to an interesting point. There are moments when I need to choose to love, where my actions have to lead my heart. It’s not something that always comes naturally, not the first instinctive reaction to a situation. Yet loving another person is always a choice available for me to make. My parents don’t tell me advice to harm me, but because they love me and still want to protect me, even as an adult. My kids don’t disobey to hurt me, but because sometimes they just don’t think about the consequences. My partner doesn’t nag or criticize to belittle me, but because she cares and only wants me to be at my best. I need to remember that others are usually acting out of love towards me to, and often all I need to do is receive their offering. This is an adjustment to my own attitude that I can practice today.

Affirmation

Conflicts may arise today, but I will practice patience and understanding to see where the other person is coming from  and look to respond with love.

July 30

”When defeat comes, accept it as a sign that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your current goal.” Napoleon Hill

Relapse is not much fun. Falling off the path of recovery and back to my old ways is not pleasant. It is a painful reminder that I have a problem. It is a step back to the guilt and shame of the past. It is a reminder of the failure – to myself and those close to me. It breaks trust, removes hope and crushes dreams. It admitting once more that I screwed up and needing to find the strength and courage to pick myself back up and to carry on. Routine was my biggest enemy this time around. Routine that involved me feeling like I am normal, like I don’t need to constantly be working my program. But my relapse has shown me this is not the case. The only way for me to stay sober is to make my program my new routine. Straying from my outer circle and all the important things in my healthy recovery sets me up to fall back. The addiction is always in the wings waiting for a chance to get back in the game. So my resolve has to be redoubled. I need to do most of the good things for me each and every day. That means activities like sleeping and eating well, getting exercise, spending time in my program, checking in with my sponsor or a sponsee, reading recovery materials, writing, prayer and meditation, and time with friends or loved ones. Each element plays it’s part in keeping me healthy. I need to make a checklist to review each day as part of my Step 10 inventory and then reflect on how well I am planning for success. Otherwise I am moving towards being vulnerable for my poorer decisions and behaviours.

Affirmation

My program is not perfect, but as long as I am willing to keep trying, I will get it mostly right and stay on the right path.

July 29

”A mountain is composed of tiny grains of earth. The ocean is made up of tiny drops of water. Even so, life is but an endless series of little details, actions, speeches, and thoughts. And the consequences whether good or bad of even the least of them are far-reaching.” Swami Sivananda

There are some painful consequences to my years of acting out that I am only beginning to recognize. One of them which is fresh and hurtful has to deal with my sex life directly. I’ve only recently notices that my obsession has affected my brain’s ability to store memories related to sex, be the good, bad or indifferent. Thus I face a new challenge as I am in a good, healthy relationship with a loving and caring partner. It’s just now sinking in that my brain is short-circuited in storing the events of our sex life, even really the great moments. This is not something that is helpful in trying to build healthy sexual memories to counteract all the poor ones from the past. Instead, these new memories are treated the same as all the others, lumped into the same group and given little priority as something worth remembering. I find this a sad and discouraging after-effect of my former behaviours. So I am trying something new to teach my head to take note of the positive, extraordinary experiences. After the fact, I am taking a few minutes to consciously recall what has just taken place and how I am feeling to try and coerce my brain that this moment is worth remembering. It kinda sucks that that I have to take this extra effort to engrave these good memories, and that I have to admit that there are things that are broken. Just another consequence yet one I hope with time that it too can be improved.

Affirmation

There will be many challenges to face as I progress in my recovery, and I must be willing to stand up to each one to the best of my ability.

July 24

”A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful, than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw

I cannot say that I have ever considered that there was honour in making mistakes. However, I do see Mr. Shaw’s point that making mistakes is more honorable than doing nothing at all. Life is not about mere existence, simply putting in the time allotted to oneself. Life is about experience, which means doing, and in trying, sometimes failing. There is merit in doing nothing at all sometimes. There are moments when I simply need to disconnect from myself and the world around me. It is important to turn off all the distractions and simply be, just existing in the moment. It is something I don’t do often enough, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday living. Meditation is one aspect of this pause in my program. I get other moments during the sharing portion of my meetings while waiting for others to share their own experience, strength and hope. Sometimes it is simply sitting quietly in a dark room or out in nature, being connected to the natural energies that surround me. Whatever the case, this is a grounding experience that allows me to purge thoughts and desires and reboot. Reflecting in these times let me find wisdom, like the realization that mistakes are not inherently good or bad. They are simply part of the process of being human. I cannot always be right, or say or do the right thing. Errors are simply a point that allows me to evaluate, make corrections and adjust the course of my actions. They are a tool in helping me along my journey, not a roadblock which is trying to derail my plans.

Affirmation

I will not settle for simply existing. I will participate in life, and I accept that this means risking failure, but that does not make me one.

July 23

”Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.” Elizabeth Harrison

Part of my transformation has involved re-evaluating the people who I have stayed close to since finding recovery. It helps to be with good people, those who are positive, who are making progress in their own lives, and who walk the talk. This applies to my “normal” life as much as it does to my recovery life. The more supportive my network of people, the better I set myself up for success. This also means I need to take a hard look at myself. How well am I doing at being gentle with myself?  Or am I putting myself down for my mistakes, past or present? Am I focusing on the negative? Or am I actively seeking to build myself up with my thoughts and self-talk? How am I with others? Am I quick to criticize? Or I am quicker to encourage? Many of the answers to these questions are within my ability to influence. I can choose who I hang around. I can decide the attitude I carry with me I can choose how I see the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror. These are all pieces of being in recovery, of uncovering the better person that lies within. It is about actively participating in the changes that I want to see in the world by starting with me, myself, and I.

Affirmation

I will do my part in making the world a better place today by being a better person, and portraying the qualities that I wish to see.

July 22

”You may not control all of the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced buy them.” Maya Angelou

I recently re-watched the movie Forrest Gump, having not seen it in a number of years. If there is a lesson to be learned from that movie, it is to never settle for what anyone else thinks you are capable of. The main character of Forrest, while shown as someone mentally challenged, has a complete disregard for the boundaries and limitations that others want to impose upon him. Instead, he follows his instincts, naïve as they may be at times, but accomplishes great things without seeking to do so. Life may not be quite that Hollywood-esque for most of us, but there is a good point here. In allowing others, or even myself, to put limitations, to listen to worries and fears, I reduce the chances I have to do great things. I believe that my Higher Power has given me the tools to do limitless thing, but I need to act upon that faith and not fall prey to my doubts. There is opportunity in every situation. I never used to think that way, but was more in the company of accepting my lot in life, whatever happened was meant to happen. My outlook has changed as I have seen what I, and many others, have been able to achieve after having been through very dark and low places. I have seen how my weaknesses have been turned into my greatest assets. I choose to see life as endless possibilities rather than a predetermined fate. I choose to participate in life, regardless of what happens around me.

Affirmation

Every situation is an opportunity and I will look for them today, rather than resigning myself to fate.

July 21

”Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.” Jim Rohn

Working my program is, in large part, about discipline. One of the things that I lacked, was a healthy sense of discipline, during my active acting out. All too often my life was controlled by whims and desires, seeking instant gratification whenever and wherever the urge arose. There was little that resembled any self-restraint. My life was more a mix of periods of quiet interspersed with periods of chaos. Therefore one of the tasks in my early recovery was to re-establish a routine, with healthy checks and balances and early warning devices to help keep me on track. It was about taking the steps and my outer circle activities and incorporating them into my life. In order to change my problematic lifestyle, I needed to find better ways to cope with the daily challenges I faced. This was about creating new and better habits to change who I was fundamentally. If I look back now, really this was about going through the junk drawer of habits and behaviours and throwing out the ones that I had been holding onto for too long, but that were expired and not very useful. I had to do that clean-up work in order to make room for the new and improved ways of handling life events. This is all part of the process, and it can be difficult to work through, because all those old ways are comfortable and known, they come with no surprises. But the recognition that they are destructive rather than helpful assisted in my willingness to let them go.

Affirmation

Establishing discipline in my new behaviours is the foundation for allowing me to work towards new goals.

July 20

”Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” Helen Keller

I had a great, positive experience recently that also gave me a long time to reflect as well. It was a team obstacle course, and I was part of a fairly large team, most people whom I only met for the first time the day of the event. The challenges were spaced out a fair distance so there was lots of time to job between them. And most of the challenges were set up so that the team had to act in unison to help each other complete the tasks. Somehow, I found myself in front of the team about halfway through the course. Not believing that I could have surpassed them, I pressed on, determined to find the head of the pack, denying that it could be me given my current level of fitness. A few challenges later without site of any of my team mates, I started to slow down, eventually stopping before the final few event to let my friends catch up. That time alone made me think about the importance of sticking together. It also made me think of how my initial reaction often, when I feel alone or isolated, is to run further away, instead of slowing down to let people catch up to me. At the end of the event was a very difficult challenge that needed almost everyone’s assistance and participation to complete. I am grateful that I took that pause to be part of the team in overcoming that hurdle. It was a moment of service, celebration and triumph. And it would not have been the same if I had done it on my own.

Affirmation

Being part of a team or a group is an important part of my recovery. Whether or not I lead, or my presence is important to how the group functions and behaves.

July 19

”Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes courage. You have to fall in order to practice being brave.” Mary Tyler Moore

Not much in life is achieved without trying. Trying to do something new means opening myself to the risk of failure. With failure comes rejection, disappointment, pain and even shame. But I also recognize that these negatives are, and should, become the fuel for change, perseverance and another try. Taking chances is a requirement for growth. I like the line from the movie “We Bought A Zoo” that sometimes all it takes in life is 20 seconds of insane courage to experience something wonderful. Getting up the nerve to confront my fears, to be momentarily brave, is usually worth more in the long term than the worry of pain or embarrassment or whatever was holding me back in the first place. Like Nike’s famous slogan, sometimes I have to just “Do It.” Pain and suffering are teachers. I like to think, at least most of the time, that the more I have suffered, the more that there is growth and a better path that awaits me as I learn from my past mistakes. This is simply part of the process as I transform into the new and improved me, scars and all.

Affirmation

I will look at those things that are bothering me today, not as something to worry about, but as a source to move in a better, brighter, saner direction. I am worth it!

July 18

”Our experience has taught me that happiness and passion in marriage do not come from finding the right partner, but in being the right partner.” Bill and Pam Farrel

My relationship with my partner is an important of my life, as is my partner. I am learning that I need to see this from 3 different perspectives. There is the aspect of self, that of my partner, and also the relationship which exists between us, but that is an entity unto itself. The health of things between me and my partner depends on taking care of each of these pieces. I need to take care of myself, my basic needs of food, love, shelter, security and spirituality. This includes working my program and spending time doing my outer circle activities. I need to take care of my partner by doing things like spending time with them, being considerate and respectful, helping out with chores and displaying my love and affection for them. I also need to put time and effort into the relationship between us. For me this means activities like having deep, meaningful conversations about our dreams and aspirations, resolving conflicts, and planning for goals. It also involves reading self-help books, attending seminars, and watching movies about strengthening a relationship. Prayer is also a core ingredient to help build intimacy. When I back off on even one piece of the puzzle, the relationship as a whole suffers. This is an important lesson to remember. I need not go to extravagant measures every day, but putting a bit of my energy into each of the three parts is a healthy plan. Continual work will ensure the longevity of the relationship, as well as my satisfaction and happiness within it.

Affirmation

Today I will ensure to take time for myself, to spend time with my partner and to work on our relationship, in order to maintain this wonderful gift I have been given.

July 17

”Sex is emotion in motion.” Mae West

I am starting to question what sex, or the act of making love, means to me and how it might differ from my partner’s views. There are some obvious answers her, that it’s a means to procreate, it’s an act of intimacy and that it is a physical/emotional/psychological release of energy. But going to a deeper, but maybe simpler view – What purpose does it have in my relationships? So why do I have sex? Part of the answer is that it’s pleasurable, both for me and my partner. I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, as I assume my partner does as well. It is a part of intimacy, which for me is about bringing two people closer together. It is an act of vulnerability and a place where we can connect in a deep and personal way with each other, in many different senses. It is sometimes part of reconciliation after a disagreement or argument. And even occasionally a reward or present as part of a special occasion like an anniversary or holiday event. This still doesn’t answer the whole picture of what it does though. It can build trust and strengthen my relationship. It is yet another aspect of my partner where I can learn likes and dislikes, and share my own. It can be a place to heal wounds from the past. It can also be a place of creativity and wonder. When I am in a good place, sex can be a healthy component of my life. It will enhance my connection to my partner and be part of our quality time together. It nurtures the physical, spiritual and emotional portions of our lives.

Affirmation

Sex is an essential part of being a couple, and it is something to be cherished, respected and appreciated.