March 25

”Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action.” Walter Anderson

Feeling anxious is a normal part of me. It happens most often when I am confronted with the unknown, when the future is uncertain. It is my worries about the future, about things to come.     In the past, anxiety was one of the driving forces for turning to my addiction to cope. In recovery, I am learning that there are different avenues for me to take. Probably the most effective tools for me in times of uncertainty are the Serenity Prayer and Step Three. From the Serenity Prayer, recognizing the things I cannot change, often the seeds of my worries, and focusing on what I can, helps to ground me in the present moment. And from Step Three, opening myself to the will of my Higher Power, is about trusting in His plan, and that everything is going to work itself out in the end.      These are simple actions I can take. Moreover, focusing on the routine of my day, taking care of the things that need to be done, also is a healthy distraction from my anxiety. I need to look after myself and my basic needs and fulfill my responsibilities to my family, my work, etc. As the saying goes, this too shall pass.

Affirmation

I will take the actions necessary to progress through today, even if I am feeling anxious or worried.

March 4

”Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” Charles Spurgeon

I cannot control what is going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know what events will take place, good, bad or indifferent. So therefore, worrying about what may or may not happen really does not serve any purpose. If there are things about tomorrow that I can do something about today, well that is something within my control. All that worrying about the future does is take away from today, spending my energy on speculation. It’s personal effort that I can put to better use taking care of matters before me, or in preparing for things I expect to happen tomorrow. But being anxious is only wasting time today. So, back again to the moral of the Serenity Prayer, to focus on the things I can change. That means living in the present moment, and leaving the past behind and the future before me. All this worry about what may happen is a form of procrastination that serves no real purpose, unless I am planning and making concrete actions to avoid risks and pitfalls.

Affirmation I will focus on the tasks before me, living in the moment and letting the past and future where they are.

February 11

”When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Victor Frankl

I find this a different perspective on the Serenity Prayer. So what I find myself in circumstances beyond my control, what am I left with? Me. I can always choose to change myself. Once again, here I discover some great words of wisdom to guide me. So here is yet another reminder to stop being a victim of my surroundings. Most of what happens around me is beyond my control or even my ability to influence. What I have a choice in is how I will decide to be, what attitude I will have, whether I will act or react, and how I choose to handle myself in given the situation life has presented to me. I do like the way the quote puts this, that “we are challenged to change ourselves.” I do think in most cases it is a challenge. I don’t usually welcome and openly embrace change. I’d rather go with the flow and keep things as they are. Change means work, a requirement to exert effort to make things different. It’s not comfortable and safe. But it’s what I need to continue to do in order to work my program and guard my serenity and sobriety.

Affirmation I accept the challenge of change. I accept that when it seems everything is against me, or there is nothing I can control, I always have the choice to change myself – my thoughts, attitude and actions.

January 12

”A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.” Arthur Golden

Life is full of choices. One of the areas that was a struggle, and still is from time to time, is finding myself dwelling on the “what-ifs”. I can get stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, wondering about the past, present and future. None of this worry lends itself to me moving forward though. It only serves to keep me locked in my bubble. The Serenity Prayer serves as a constant reminder that I have to focus on those things within my control. After that, I have to work at being content to leave the rest to my Higher Power to be concerned about – my worries are not going to make things any better. Once I make choices, the only thing left is to accept the consequences, whatever they happen to be. Regret for the past leads me back into doubt and worry. At the end of the day, I can look back to see that I made the best decisions with what I had available to me at the time. I don’t have a crystal ball to know how things will always turn out. I do have a great deal of faith in the God of my understanding though, that if I continue to work to do His will, things will work out as they should.

Affirmation I will be conscious of when I find myself what-iffing and work to Let Go and Let God instead.

September 12

”Our only security is our ability to change.” John Lilly

I’ve never really equated change to a sense of security. I think I feel more insecure in periods of change, more apt to uncertainty of what will come to pass. I know the stress of change was one of my triggers of the past. I do see that this perception has been changing though. I realize that I am becoming a living model of the Serenity Prayer, and more accepting of the things I cannot change. One of those is certainly the fact that things are always changing around me. So in a way, realizing there is change is a good thing. Because, in comparison, living in addiction was a life of stagnation. There was no real change – it was the same thing, day in, day out. Maybe the flavour, or the amount of time spent, or some other factor was a little different, but there wasn’t any real diversity in my life. I guess that means that I can now see security in my ability to change, that it reflects the fact that I am healthier and more actively participating in life, rather than trying to freeze-frame moments as I used to do. Change is good, I don’t have to look back to far to see the proof of that in my own life.

Affirmation Life is a cycle of changes, and I am a part of that process. Being involved is healthy and normal.

October 31 (94)

”When I hear somebody sigh ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” Sydney J. Harris

It’s sometimes hard to see beyond my own problems. They seem to be sit in front of me, blocking my view of everything else. It often takes me going to a meeting and hearing the sharing of others' stories to put my own troubles into perspective. Sometimes it takes me being able to see others' struggles and challenges, hearing and watching them cope, to help me see a way past where I find myself in my own life. Left to my own devices I always tend to make my problems larger than they are. When all I stare at is the issue at hand, it makes it hard to find any kind of solution. I am thankful that I can rely on others to help break me out of that trance. Life has its challenges, but I am learning to live by the Serenity Prayer, to put things into a more realistic perspective. I am letting go of those things and people that I cannot change. Most of my solutions now involve looking at what I can change, what I can do personally in any given situation. It comes from an acceptance of letting the will of my Higher Power precede my own.

Affirmation I will try to focus today on the solutions rather than the problems. Listening to how others cope with their struggles can inspire my own problem-solving.

October 2

”The reason why worry kills more people than works is that more people worry than work.” Robert Frost

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Odd isn’t it, not a single mention of worry in those three simple lines. So where does it fit in? Hmmm, is worrying something I can change or not? I suppose, if I reflect, I can choose not to worry, so the opposite would be, well, letting go. Let Go and Let God – sounds a lot like accepting things I cannot change. And doing this brings me Serenity. Pretty powerful little saying, the Serenity Prayer. Stop worrying, let go, and you’ll feel more at peace – with yourself and the world around you. Pretty amazing stuff. Now, I mean, not all worry is bad, but really in very few cases does worrying accomplish anything. Usually it just increases and encourages my fears of what may or may not happen. It’s really not very useful in trying to avoid or prevent a situation, and is certainly not taking action in a positive direction. I think it is good that I am learning to worry less and turn those things which are out of my control over to the God of my understanding. Besides, I think He knows just a little better than I do what the future holds for me.

Affirmation Worrying prevents me from acting; time to let go and move on with those things I can do something about.

August 2

”The earth was made round so we would not see too far down the road.” Karen Blixen

Some days I wish I could not look further ahead than the end of my nose. That way it might be simpler for me to remember that first and foremost I need to take care of myself. When I look too far ahead down the path it is easy to start making other things and people a priority. Rarely does this have a positive result in my recovery as it all too often leads to neglecting or sacrificing myself for another cause. It is certainly contrary to the principles of the Serenity Prayer. I think it is hard to be selfish in recovery because as an addict I was focused only on myself. In my recovery, my instinct is to do the opposite of my old behaviours, to be selfless. My recovery is a self-centered process, but the difference is that it is healthy. It is self-care and involves me surrendering to the will of my Higher Power rather than my own as was the case in my selfish acting out periods. It is not so much a question of how far I look ahead, but rather if I am looking in the right direction. My experience is telling me that living in the present is enough for me to handle. If I can cope with today, the future will take care of itself.

Affirmation Being selfish and self-centered in recovery is self-care as long as I am doing God’s will and not my own.

July 7

”Don’t spend time beating a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.” Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I still wonder if I am putting my energy and effort into the best endeavours. There are aspects of my life, certainly my recovery where I can see the results of my actions and changes. Yet trying to carry these principles into the greater part of my world, especially my relationships, is not always evident nor does it always have the desired effect. Adding another human being to the equation seems to modify the dynamics and I wonder if I am trying to work on something that can’t be repaired, now or ever. It’s the last line of the Serenity Prayer that often seems to elude me, having the wisdom to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot. I guess some of my problem is trying to fix everything myself on my schedule and not being open to things happening in my Higher Power’s time and according to His will. Patience is a hard virtue to practice some days. Turning back and focusing on the basics of my program, pulling out the tools and habit of my outer circle can help restore me to sanity. I need to pray and meditate and allow myself to find my way back to the right path rather than trying to fight my way through the jungle. I must surrender and accept that I am not in control.

Affirmation I will practice breathing, stepping back, letting go and any other technique to surrenderthose things beyond my control. My sanity requires it.

June 4

”The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don’t know what to do.” John Holt

In the past when faced with a situation when I did not know what to do, my usual reaction would have been to say “<insert your favourite expletive here> it” and seek escape in my addictive behaviours. It still happens frequently in my recovery that I find myself in these types of situations. But I have found new ways to handle them. Usually I start with a Serenity Prayer (or 3) to help calm me down as well as providing me the time to evaluate how much (little) control I have. Then I try turning over everything (almost) that is out of my power to my Higher Power (here you go, it’s all yours!) At this point I usually feel relief and a decrease in the pressure and stress of the situation. Finally I can take a realistic look at what is within my power to deal with (lil ol me) and can start formulating some ways to handle the problem. I know I can always ask for help or simple reach out to others to vent. Life in recovery is about making different choices (see definition of insanity.) My tendency now is to evaluate and act rather than immediately reacting to the world around me. I know that as a result that I am rebuilding my character in the process.

Affirmation Today I will try not to escape from life’s challenges, but pause and focus on the things I can change.

April 24

”You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victim without having victims.” Harriet Woods

My recovery is just that – mine. The fact that I am reaching out for help, that I am seeking new tools and ways of coping with life – all these things change only one person, me. It does not mend broken relationships or fix other people. It does not put a flashing neon sign above my head that will tell people that I am in recovery and getting better. So my recovery is really focused on that phrase from the Serenity Prayer “the courage to change the things I can.” There are days that I think my relationships, especially those with my partner and family, should be improving as rapidly as I change myself. But I need to step back and remember that it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship. If my foundation is improving, but the other person has not been making changes, then the connection between us will not change a great deal. I need to keep a realistic view of what is occurring in my relationships. All those parts of my life that are external are more likely to change on someone else’s schedule, and not according to my wants and desires. I need to be patient and content with my own progress. Everything else will come in due time.

Affirmation I need to be aware and maintain reasonable goals for the changes in my life. It’s important to remind myself that the primary purpose for my recovery is self-improvement.