July 29

”A mountain is composed of tiny grains of earth. The ocean is made up of tiny drops of water. Even so, life is but an endless series of little details, actions, speeches, and thoughts. And the consequences whether good or bad of even the least of them are far-reaching.” Swami Sivananda

There are some painful consequences to my years of acting out that I am only beginning to recognize. One of them which is fresh and hurtful has to deal with my sex life directly. I’ve only recently notices that my obsession has affected my brain’s ability to store memories related to sex, be the good, bad or indifferent. Thus I face a new challenge as I am in a good, healthy relationship with a loving and caring partner. It’s just now sinking in that my brain is short-circuited in storing the events of our sex life, even really the great moments. This is not something that is helpful in trying to build healthy sexual memories to counteract all the poor ones from the past. Instead, these new memories are treated the same as all the others, lumped into the same group and given little priority as something worth remembering. I find this a sad and discouraging after-effect of my former behaviours. So I am trying something new to teach my head to take note of the positive, extraordinary experiences. After the fact, I am taking a few minutes to consciously recall what has just taken place and how I am feeling to try and coerce my brain that this moment is worth remembering. It kinda sucks that that I have to take this extra effort to engrave these good memories, and that I have to admit that there are things that are broken. Just another consequence yet one I hope with time that it too can be improved.

Affirmation

There will be many challenges to face as I progress in my recovery, and I must be willing to stand up to each one to the best of my ability.

December 7 (57)

”Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again.” Willa Cather

As I prepare for my first holiday season since my separation, it has been hard not to feel the pull back into the past and the weight of all my regrets hanging over me, threatening to pull me under once again. Adding to that fact is the prospect of spending a good portion of the holidays alone. This is a challenge indeed and one where I have been loath to accept offers of help from friends and family, at least thus far. But then do I really trust that I am sufficiently wilful to resist temptation to succumb to the pressure wholly of my own accord? As most days go, it has become routine to deal with the occasional thought, desire or situation which triggers me. I am gaining confidence in my new coping abilities when confronted in these ways. This holiday season is the first major event that I will have to face and endure. I know there are people who will be able to support, yet I also know I may be less likely to want to interrupt their festivities if I need to reach out. A dilemma indeed! Perhaps I can simply accept those good times from the past without focusing on what is lacking today. Being in recovery is a gift in of itself that I can never show enough appreciation for having been granted. I need some extra faith in my Higher Power that this is going to work as it was meant to be.

Affirmation I can face tougher days and humble myself to admit that maybe I cannot, and need not, do everything on my own.