March 29

"But fear is an incompetent teacher...to be alive is a responsibility as well as a right.” Patrick Stewart

I've heard the mantra in the program than pain is a teacher. I think that is a more valuable assessment, so I agree with the actor's statement as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, fear is not a great teacher. Fear has taught me to hide, to cower, to run away from adversity and difficult. Pain used to teach me the same thing, but only because I turned to the compulsive and obsessive behaviours and acts of my addiction. In recovery, pain is a signal that there is something going on that I need to pay attention to, that this is an opportunity for growth and change, not something that I from which I need to escape.      I have been given this life, for a reason, I have a purpose. I have both a responsibility, and the right, to use the talents, skills, and abilities that I possess, to live the best and most productive life that I can. My addictive past was selfish and self-centered. My life in recovery, while taking care of myself may be seen as a selfish act, is all about widening my horizons so that I am an active part of my community and the world. It is about being the best me I can in order to give service to others.     I still face fear and pain. I still have regret, shame and guilt. Yet these are no longer the dominating emotions in my world. Rather, I am able to focus on the hope, joy, serenity and beauty in the world. I am maturing, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even in my relationships. I am more connected to myself, more in harmony between my thoughts, words, and actions.

Affirmation

I will be open to the signs of fear and pain in my life today and look for the opportunities within them for growth and development.

November 15

”There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.” Michael J. Fox

Loss is not a vacuum – that thought does indeed match my own experience. During the process of experiencing any significant loss, while I grieve, I know that loss has indeed felt like a hole that I wouldn’t climb out from. But I have always come out the other side, and the time it has taken me to make the climb seems to depend on how quickly I let myself fully experience the loss and learn from it. The program tells us that pain is a teacher. Maybe not a very pleasant one, but a teacher nonetheless. For me, it has become clear that pain, like emotion, is simply an indicator to watch out for. Pain is a sign that something significant in me has been affected and is ready for change. I believe that I have always come out stronger and more prepared for future challenges. The first part of the quote is also true. While I know I hoped the world would become rosy and simple in recovery, the truth is that life is still life, full of ups and downs, gains and losses, joy and pain. My program is helping me deal with all of it, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation

Today may I become willing to recognize and accept pain, look beyond the hurt at the affect it is having on me and dare to look how I can grow and change as a result.

August 7

”Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.” Robert H. Schuller

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Well, there are also cases where the opposite is true. Sometimes distance is a welcome visitor to help detach from people who have been poisonous in my life. And yet, even with the distance, small amounts of contact with those people from my past can bring those old wounds to the surface. It’s in these moments that I need to be able to turn to my hopes, to reflect on all the progress and change that I have made. I could all t0o easily fall back into reflecting on my regrets and pain of the past. This serves me no useful purpose; it will only depress me and take me away from the present moment. I am worth so much more now and I owe it to myself and the good people in my life to stay positive and to concentrate on all the great things I have. My hurts are there to fuel my transformation into the better person I have become. They can also shape my future, but my hopes are better suited to shape my goals and dreams. I have many things to be grateful for in my recovery and I look to find more each and every day. Life has become something to look forward to, and I am better able to move past the small hurts and reminders that threaten to disrupt my serenity. I am a bigger person than those petty arguments and spiteful words that can be thrown my way. I will stay on the good path.

Affirmation

Life can bring troubles yet I can decide to look past them and focus on the good things in my life. I have the power to choose to stay focused and positive.

April 13

”Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as adversity has done. Out of pain and problems have come the sweetest songs, the most poignant poems, the most gripping stories. Out of suffering and tears have come the greatest spirits and the most blessed lives.” Billy Graham

It’s true that nothing drives change more than pain and suffering. I’m realizing now that’s always been the case for me, but it is also where the talents given to me work the best to get me through it. I wish I had put the two together sooner, I might have suffered less. It’s my talent of writing that is my God-send to help me through those difficult times. It started in my teens, and while I was going through that awkward journey to adulthood, I wrote many poems during my times of sadness, depression, rejection and loss. I am only realizing now that was a healthy way for me to cope, and it was something I took for granted. It is those same skills that have been the foundation for my work these past years. Putting my thoughts to paper, allowing my self-conscious and the will of my Higher Power to guide me, has started to bring forth wisdom in my moments of clarity. But all these comes from the foundation of darkness I had to go through first in order to need to work my way back towards the light.

Affirmation

I acknowledge that it is through pain and suffering I am prepared to experience the better things that will follow, and to appreciate them all the more. I will look to my talents to help me navigate the stormy waters.

December 13 (51)

”The nearest way to glory – a shortcut, as it were – is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be.” Socrates

Being an estranged parent is one of the prices and pains I bear for my past behaviour. Attending events like school concerts, sitting alone knowing that my children, whom I still hold dear in my heart, are sitting on the other side of the room, tears me in two. I cry myself to sleep after encounters like this, lost in prayer with my Higher Power that someday, somehow, the opportunity will present itself to let my children back into my life. I guard the hopes of a different future than this present I endure, and in the meantime pray for the strength to carry on while shouldering this burden. The pain of this loss is often hard to bear, but I am grateful that I need not manage it alone. I know I can turn to others in the program, my sponsor, friends and family to help me find the courage to continue moving forward. I continue to act as if, as if I will overcome my addiction, as if I will become a better parent, as if all children will have an active part in my life. I have faith that the God of my understanding has a better future in store for me, in His own time and His own way. The pain is a reminder to keep going so I do not make those same mistakes again. I will become what I think I can be.

Affirmation My pain is my teacher and a reminder of the cost of my addiction but it will help to keep focused on being in recovery and changing my ways.

October 7

”The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Samuel Johnson

This certainly has been a challenge for me as I move forward in recovery and my life. Unfortunately, I have hurt people and as I disclose my addiction, I seem to have made more enemies than friends. Those closest to me are some of the people that have injured the most, having deeply betrayed their trust and respect. The boundaries I have crossed cannot be undone, nor the pain taken away. My former spouse, and even my children fall into this category, at least for the time being, as some of them want absolutely nothing to do with me. Yet I am still a parent, and I have a renewed desire to take my responsibility seriously, to be an active part of my kids’ lives, to do a better job of supporting, and displaying my affection and love. I truly believe my children deserve and need both parents in their lives to be healthy and whole. So I will continue to do all that I can to remain a part of their lives while at the same time continuing to improve myself. There is damage I cannot undo in my life, but I refuse to let that stop me from making a healthier future from here on in. The past may never be forgotten or forgiven, but I can start creating new and happy memories today.

Affirmation I recognize that I may never rectify my acts from the past, but I can continue my recovery and living as a better person today.

September 7

”The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.” Mignon McLaughlin

One of my favorite affirmations is “I accept pain as my teacher and problems as the key to a new existence.” This follows the same line of thinking that problems and adversity are catalysts for change. In my recovery I am able to see more often that challenges are opportunities for me to behave differently, to learn and to grow. Much less often do they appear as obstacles or hindrances to my progress. There is another side to this affirmation, a warning and a reminder that I should not seek out situations that will knowingly cause me harm – physical, emotional or spiritual. Life events will unfold to present me with ample opportunities for growth and change that I need not add more chaos to my life to have more. If I trust in my Higher Power then I know that He will only give me what I can handle and no more. Life is nothing more than a series of events. Growing in the program, finding my strength within, helps me to find the courage to continue moving forward. Each step in recovery is an accomplishment towards living a new life – safe, sober, and clean.

Affirmation May I rise to the challenge of each moment, accept life as it happens, and avoid purposely adding chaos into my day.

May 22

”Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy.” Jacques Maritain

I am thankful for the pain of my recovery. There are certainly at least two aspects. The first is the simple fact that I hurt is proof that I am once again connected to my heart. I am truly grateful to be in that numb, unfeeling state of my acting out. The second reason is that pain is now my teacher…pain comes mostly from situations where I need to change, to find a new way to cope with life. Pain is a way of showing me the balance of life. The past few months of my recovery have been one storm after another. Each has been emotionally challenging, and some days it feels each one has been more difficult than previous. Through separation, albeit temporary, and some other challenges in my relationships I have somehow managed to weather the assaults, keep my sanity and sobriety and have come out the other side mostly unscathed. As the saying goes, what does not kill you makes you stronger. All these tests continue to make it clearer what is most important in my life. I am grateful for have rediscovered myself and getting back on track to be the person I was meant to be. I feel more connected to the world and more present for the people in my life who matter the most.

Affirmation I can acknowledge my pain today and look for ways to help it improve the person I am rediscovering within me.

April 27

”Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” Golda Meir

In a moment of wisdom I had the thought that it is the pain of recovery that propels us through the door, but it is the promise of hope that keeps us coming back. I truly believe this principle applies to my own journey and I have witnessed it in my own experiences at meetings. I take Step One on a daily basis, and admitting that I have a problem is the catalyst for me to reach for my tools of recovery. I am hopeful that I can learn to love more deeply, laugh more fully and experience joy more purely in contrast to the depths of despair and burden of guilt and shame that I have lived through in my acting out. Yet even if I only achieve some level of balance, of positive and negative emotions in reasonable measure but not to extremes, I will certainly be content. My life is about achieving equilibrium and living in moderation. I no longer want to hide parts of who I am or how I feel. I deserve to be a whole person and to be accepted as I am. I have as much right to weep when I am sad or laugh when I am glad as the next person. I am allowed to be okay with me.

Affirmation I know that pain and hope are parts of my journey. I will recognize my feelings and allow myself to feel them today.

March 22

”Sorrows come to stretch out spaces in the heart for joy.” Edwin Markham

I am coming to terms with being able to appreciate, at least to some to degree, being grateful for the pain I have caused myself through my addiction.  As I progress in recovery I am gradually regaining the ability to enjoy many of the small wonders of life, a walk in the woods, play time with my children, a good movie, a nice dinner at home…all the things that I had lost sight of while in my active and compulsive addiction. Since I have started recovering from my addiction, I am becoming more aware of the size of the hole in my life that remains to be filled. I am pretty certain that my addiction not only covered up the void within me with its temporary fixes and empty promises, but was also eroding the edges to increase its size. I guess the good news in that is that there is now more room for me to put good things into, all the real benefits I get from focusing on my recovery and my outer circle behaviours.

Affirmation I choose to find the positive in the pain and suffering that my past behaviour has caused. I will rejoice in all the small real things I can do in recovery.