May 31

”The most efficient way to live reasonably is every morning to make a plan of one's day and every night to examine the results obtained.” Alexis Carrel

Daily reflection is an important part of my day. I try to do it in two steps. The first part is when I wake up, to look at what I want to accomplish the day. It also includes asking my Higher Power to be receptive to His will for me during the day, to have the tools I need to do His works. It’s also a reflection on my visualization wall, a reminder of my longer term goals and aspirations. This also includes some affirmations and positive thoughts and quotations to set my attitude on a good path. The second part is the wrap-up at the end of the day. Either during my shower, as I lay in bed relaxing before falling asleep, or sometimes as I enjoy some time in the hot tub, I look back over the course of the day. It’s a chance to see what I have done, things that I can improve on, and time to lay out at least a few items for the next day. I can celebrate my accomplishments, as well as give thanks for the blessings I received throughout the day. This is my ongoing Step 10 work, to keep a daily inventory. It’s part of me working on my awareness, forgiving and seeking amends as I make mistakes, and working at not letting things build and turn into resentments, shame and guilt. This is part of my healthier routine and it is a big component in helping to maintain my sobriety.

Affirmation

The steps are the basis of my program of recovery, and it’s important for me to work as many of them as I can into my day-today living.

May 30

”Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” Maya Angelou

Unfortunately this quote brings back memories of how I manipulated others in the past. I was the priority, and I was content to use others for my own purposes. There was little of me that was genuinely concerned with putting others before me, they were only stepping stones to meet my own needs. Today I can see the wisdom in this quote. And I can see parts of my life where I put this into practice. There are people in my life that I was trying to make a priority who were not of the same mind. Spending a lot of my time and energy on a relationship like this is mostly a waste of my resources. I am better served to focus on people who want to be a part of my life and who are willing to receive what I have to offer to them. There is the other side to this idea. That I should not let others believe I am a priority for them when I am not. It is not fair for me to lead someone astray in such a manner. I know what it feels like to be in their shoes. They deserve to be treated better so I can take that positive action. I have the responsibility to treat others as I would like to be treated.

Affirmation

I will look at where I am spending my time today, which relationships are dominating my energy, and evaluate which of them are the best ones for me to focus on.

May 29

”Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I have no idea what my Higher Power looks like. It would be quite a chore to try and describe it to someone else. Simply, it’s a power greater than me. It is a being or a force that governs the universe and that has infinite knowledge and power. Yet, however I define it, this is not the most important factor. The critical element is that I believe in this supernatural entity, that I have the faith in all the qualities and characteristics that I believe it encompasses. You can believe in Mother Nature, Buddha, science and technology, God (as you understand Him), love or even a pink and blue polka-dotted dragon named Sven if you wish. It doesn’t matter to me. As long as this is your Source of faith and trust that there is a greater order to life, that something else can hear your prayers and offer guidance, this to me defines a Higher Power that works. Some days it can be hard not to wish that I could pick up the phone and go for a coffee with my Higher Power. It would be nice to have concrete proof of His existence. But the times I feel like this are rare. I have seen too many “coincidences” in my life not to believe that something greater than me exists. I am certainly grateful for this belief as putting my trust in Him has helped me regain my serenity in recovery.

Affirmation

I trust in my Higher Power because I know seeking His will and letting go of what I cannot control lead me to a happier and healthier life.

May 27

”It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character.” Dale E. Turner

The subject of amend is a challenging one for me. I am certainly cognisant of the infinite wisdom of the steps, especially those two words “wherever possible” of the 9th. There are a few, but significant, people from my life where amends may never be possible. That is a hard thing for me to accept as there is a part of me that truly wants those people to know how much I have changed and to make an attempt to repair the damage I caused. Yet these are also people who are least likely to trust me because of how they have been hurt. So I have to content myself today in being a living amends. In working my program I continue the promise to myself, my Higher Power and the world that I will no longer be the person I was. Having spent many years in those destructive patterns, I have no desire to return to my old ways. In living by these new standards I may not repair all the damage I have done. But taking steps to stop creating new destruction, to stop hurting others, is a positive use of my time and recovery. My service work is also another place where I can give back to society and use my energy to help others, and to improve my community. These are all worthy efforts to be a better human being.

Affirmation

I will trust in my Higher Power that I will make the amends that I need when it is the right time. Just for today I will remain willing to do what needs to be done to repair the past.

May 26

”We know we were made for so much more than ordinary lives, Its time for us to more than just survive, We were made to thrive.” Casting Crowns

It’s taken finding myself in recovery to realize that I spent too many of my years simply existing. I no longer accept that as good enough. Simply passing from day to day is not what I desire. I find it hard to believe that my Higher Power, who created all the wonderful and beautiful things in the world, only wants me to go through the motions of life. To thrive, to flourish, to quote Thoreau, to suck out all the marrow of life, this is what we are meant to do, how we are meant to spend our meagre time on this mortal coil. Many of the best poets and authors have found these small glimpses of truth. It is not the mundane day-to-day affairs that should be our goal, but to strive for the impossible, to seek the unreachable, to accomplish the unthinkable. Today, this minute, this moment, is a marvellous opportunity and gift for me to make the most of, to seek the small nirvana that lies within it. There are only barriers if I choose to believe they are there, only fears to hold me back of my own doing. Life is too short to be wasted on mere existence, it’s time for me to live vigorously, thrive and prosper.

Affirmation

I am blessed by so many things, but the simplest is my life, with so much potential, in a world where anything can happen.

May 25

”I am not who I once was, Defined by all the things I've done Afraid my shame would be exposed, Afraid of really being known” Ellie Holcomb

Yup, those two ideas sum up the old me pretty succinctly. Afraid my shame would be exposed and afraid of being truly known. My shame was driven by the secrets I kept, those things that I thought I would never ever tell another human being, things that I thought no one could possible ever hear, understand or, heaven forbid, forgive. It was unimaginable to believe that there could be anyone who could know me as I truly was and still want to be with me. Yet I have found that within my fellowship. Those secrets, those dark hidden places within me have been brought out into the light. I have shared parts of me that I never thought could be discussed. It didn’t kill me. It didn’t cause people to go running scream in terror. It hasn’t ostracized me. I’ve not been banished to an island. Instead, I have found others like me, discovered that I am not alone, that I am not so unique in my illness, that there are those who can understand because they too, have been there. Who’d have thought this could be the case? I am not who I once was. I no longer define myself by all that I have done. There are regrets, there are many decisions that I wish I could take back, things that I wish never happened. But I cannot change any of that. The program has shown me that I can leave the past behind, that I do not need to be a victim of my history but that in following the will of my Higher Power I can write a new story today, and every today. Each new day presents a new sheet of paper, filled with endless possibility where I can be the best me that I can.

Affirmation

I will explore all that life has to offer to me, put my best foot forward, and leave the past behind me as it needs not have any influence on today.

May 19

”But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?” James 2:20

Ah, there it is – faith without works is dead, or perhaps better put, nothing. My faith in the program can be without fault, but without action taken to prove it means little. My thoughts of being better, of changing my ways, are a great start, but I need to take steps to show that I am behaving differently. In the program this is often the walking the walk part (and not simply just talking the talk.) My Higher Power, through grace, prayer and meditation, continues to bestow wisdom upon me. If I am simply a sponge and absorb this knowledge, but do nothing with it, the gift is wasted. When I take this wisdom and put it to use, when it works to change my ways or finds its way onto these pages, then I have made it a part of my life and HIS-story. It has become me working His will and taking His guidance. I’ve been quite foolish in my life. I have believed in many things yet done nothing to show what I believed. I have also believed in many of the wrong things, and done too much to show that I had those poor beliefs. Thinking about faith still brings to mind a poster I saw many years ago, with a kitten hanging from a tree branch over a river with the caption “Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to.” I used think that was the only definition, but it’s not. Faith for me is a regular part of my day, the confidence that my Higher Power is steering me in the right direction at all times, not just when I feel I am out on a limb.

Affirmation

There’s a reason I need to “work” my program. Concrete steps are required to show that things are moving in a different and better direction.

May 16

”There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.” James Lee Burke

Rejection – one of my biggest fears, one of my best known triggers. But I think I finally figured something out. Most of the rejection I have experienced has been from actions that weren’t even targeting me. That might seem a little confusing, so I guess I need to explain. I used to think that rejection meant that someone was wilfully pushing me aside, that I was less than, didn’t measure up, or had some other deficiency. In essence, that some part of me was the problem (or all of me as the case may be.) I am starting to see that is not the case at all. I think many times when I have felt rejected, I may not have been someone’s top priority, that they had something more important on the go that meant my needs (or wants) couldn’t be met by them. That’s it. Simply put, there are times when I think I should be everyone’s number 1 priority (a false expectation which cannot always be true) and then I am hurt when someone else does not treat me that way (other people have their own priorities, pretty normal if I think about it.) So what does this mean to me now? Hmm, well giving it some additional brain power, I see that I need to be open to seeing where other people are coming from when I feel rejected. What is it that is important to them at the time I feel this way? And for my own part, how is it I am feeling, what are my needs that I want to be met that seem to be at a shortfall? Looking at things this way, I can see rejection in a new light and with new understanding.

Affirmation

I may be amazed at the insight that comes my way when I stop to look inside myself, examine my feelings, my needs and desires. It is a worthwhile exercise to know myself better.

May 15

”A closed mouth gathers no foot." Chinese Proverb

Sometimes I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut. There are many situations where the wisest thing to do is simply listen. I still remember my parents telling me that I had two ears and only one mouth, so I was supposed to listen twice as much as I talked. I don’t always follow that advice. Listening goes further that using my ears. It also means giving my attention to the person who is speaking. It means not taking that time thinking about what I want to say as soon as there is an opening. Rather it is about really hearing what is said and striving to understand the message that is being relayed. My interjections, if any, should be to seek clarification or to paraphrase what I have heard to verify that I received the message properly. My mouth works faster than my brain all too often, and then I end up sucking on my toes. In building my relationships it’s important for me to take the time to consider what I am saying, and how it is going to be delivered. I know that my tone of voice and body language also have a big impact on what I tell someone. When it’s important, then the whole package needs to be there. A few extra seconds can make the difference between a conversation and an argument. And if I still foul things up? Well, hopefully there’s time for apologies and amends too.

Affirmation

Communication is a huge part of my relationships. I will focus on listening well today, put the needs of others before my own to practice my active listening skills.

May 14

”Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” William Jennings Bryan

I think society is more and more goal-oriented and achievement focused. It is filled with people that are convinced that the more they do, the more they succeed, the happier and more fulfilled they will be. Maybe, maybe not, I am not so certain as I once was. I think the 12-Steps have had a significant impact on how I define success and happiness. And I think the 12th Step is a big part, about sharing the message. That for me translates into service, its giving back, giving freely, giving of myself that makes sense to me as real success. My goal is not what I can accumulate, what kinds of trophies or recognition or material abundance I can obtain. It’s about how I can change and improve the world around me, the kind of legacy that I can leave behind, the mark that I can leave in society. Still lofty goals, and still aims that require me to take an active role. But I think these goals align much better with the will of my Higher Power, that they focus on my giving rather than receiving. None of this will happen if I just sit around waiting. I accept the choice to give back now that I have a second lease on life, thanks to the 12-Steps.

Affirmation

I will examine my definition of success today and look at all the small ways I can be of service to others. That will make this a successful and memorable day.

May 12

”Celebrate what you want to see more of.” Thomas J. Peters

Don’t touch this. You shouldn’t do that. Stay away from there. You’ll be sorry if you… I guess it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that many of the lessons I learned came from things I shouldn’t do, the ways I shouldn’t behave or act, the things that I shouldn’t feel or acknowledge. All that negative reinforcement created my own negative attitudes and behaviours right alongside. If I think of an example of celebration, the best that comes to mind is that of the prodigal son. A son who asks for his share of the family estate, runs off and squanders it away, and waking in the mud next to the pigs, decides to go back home to work as a servant. Instead he is treated like royalty, thrown a lavish party, and no one (other than a jealous brother) questions his actions. His father celebrated the fact his son had returned to him, far outweighing any of the negative parts that could have been mentioned. I’m not as able as the prodigal son’s father. I still favour criticism for things to be improved rather than praise for what was done well. I certainly don’t give enough applause and laud the efforts of others, or even my own children, as perhaps I should. Yet knowing this is an area that is lacking allows me to make it a higher priority, and to work at improving it. Any additional effort is better than what I am doing know and can only make my life, and those around me, more pleasant. And that is cause for celebration.

Affirmation

I will strive to look at the positive today and to be slower to criticize others and myself. Acknowledging all the small success is a better goal than highlighting weaknesses.

May 11

”Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” John

Today is a gift. I am able to recognize, not only my talents, but all the wonderful mentors, guides and friends that bless me in my life. Right now I am connected to my Higher Power, my source of faith, integrity and love. I know I am a part of a larger community, this great extended family, due in large part to my recovery. The past is a place for me to learn from my experience. The future is the place for me to prove I am changing and living a better life through my program. But the place and time for this to happen is right here, right now. This is where I have the ability to make change, to take action, make decisions and just be. My life used to be about existing, simply making it from moment to moment, never being fully engaged or responsible. Today I am focused on living, on the principle of Carpe diem, of seizing the day and squeezing out as much potential as I can. The world is full of opportunity, wonder and beauty. I have so much to give, but even more that can be enjoyed and appreciated. I am truly grateful for the awareness that is allowing me to be present in the moment.

Affirmation

I will live in the moment, keeping my attention of what is around me and all the glorious things that my Higher Power has to offer me.

May 10

”We cheerfully assume that in some mystic way love conquers all, that good outweighs evil in the just balances of the universe and that at the eleventh hour something gloriously triumphant will prevent the worst before it happens.” Brooks Atkinson

I do believe there is a certain balance in life, and that the disparity between right and wrong, good and evil, is part of how the world is structured. But I no longer think that there is a huge fight to figure out which side will win. All of this exists at the same time, good, evil, pain, sorrow, joy and sadness. Each has an equal part in the world, and in all human beings, me included. The path we take and the choices we make direct which parts of the universe we will focus on and share with the rest of the world. It’s by my own hand that I can make the world a better, more positive place, sharing joy and creativity with those I meet. Or, I can turn inward, and selfishly take from the world, seeking to meet my greed, and in kind leave the world a more bitter, lonely and miserable place for others. I have spent too much time blaming this, that, and the other thing for where I am in my life. Yet I am a product of my past, and the decisions I made along the way. I need to take responsibility for my part in getting to where I am today. I do have hope and faith for a better and brighter future, because, by the grace of my Higher Power, I am more aware of my personal impact. I have the power to make changes, to shape the world how I would like to see it each and every day. For those opportunities, I am eternally grateful.

Affirmation

God, grant me the courage today to make good changes in the world, to continue to strive making this planet a better place to live.

May 8

”Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” Cherie-Carter Scotts

Each day I am reminded of how much I still have to learn. Life is full of surprises and opportunities to increase my knowledge and awareness. I’m not sure that I agree that there are no mistakes, but there is certainly a chance to garnish some new nugget of insight from everything that happens in my day. It can be something small like appreciating time with one of my children, reflecting on how I acted in a specific instance, or gathering information before making a decision. Life is a series of endless possibilities, and I have a part to play in the path my life takes. Even though I am working to follow the will of my Higher Power, that endeavour takes effort and a directed purpose on my part to be realized. It will simply not happen as a series of random events. I do need to be a driver to keep going on the right course, making the right turns when needed, avoiding the pitfalls and obstacles along the way. While I know it is important to make good choices, I am less concerned with this than in the past. Instead, I put my confidence in the fact that I am prepared to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. This doesn’t mean that I act impulsively or with blind disregard, but I that I have faith that even if I don’t make the best decision that I will live through it. It’s all a part of living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

Live, decide, act, accept the consequences. I can make my life this simple today and handle whatever comes my way.

May 6

”Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send and who will go for us?’ Then I said, ‘I, Here I am, send me.’” Isaiah 6:8

It’s happened more than once that I have been sitting wondering who should step up to take on a particular role and then the realization has come of, why not me? This is usually followed by a few minutes of inner dialogue while I run through reasons (read excuses) of why I am not available, capable, etc. (more excuses) to be able to take on said task (rationalization and justification.) Thankfully, I am more in tune with my instinct and have strengthened my faith in my Higher Power (spiritual awakening) to step forward and volunteer. This has been apparent in my recovery (working my program) as well as other parts of my life (wholeness). It’s important for me to listen to signs that are challenges for me (meditation) to face and overcome something I needed to work on, even though I don’t usually recognize the opportunity at first (faith in His Will). Yet it has happened enough times that I let out a sigh, look up and send a message to God (let Your will, not mine be done) know that I am listening, and jump into action. This all has a lot to do with serving, with giving of myself and with following the will of the God of my understanding. It’s a sign of growth, of trust and faith, that the path He has laid before me is a good one and that I am willing to walk it. It’s also humility in acknowledging that I may not know the best way to go and that I am ready to serve and face whatever is placed before me as there is a good reason for it.

Affirmation

Today I will work at Letting Go and Letting God, seeking His will for my life, trusting in the route He has chosen for me to follow.

May 3

”Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.” Albert Einstein

I enjoy sitting down with a good book and reading a story. I’ve always been drawn to the fantasy and science fiction genres. I particular like a good adventure story, that starts with character from a very ordinary life who is thrown into an extraordinary position, and usually ends up on a quest to save the world. I like rooting for the underdog. I like using my imagination to bring the characters and the world to life, immersing myself in what my mind brings to life. I am also aware that I can use my imagination for my own benefit in the “real” world. From following suit of successful business people and athletes, I do spend time in certain aspects envisioning things that I want to happen. I use it to practice speeches and presentations in my head, visualizing success in my delivery. I use my imagination to look to the future I want to created, using a “vision” board to highlight what I want my life to be life and then working at believing that is what I have now. I do think our minds are a very powerful tool, that our thoughts are all part of the connected energy of the universe. How I think, my attitude and perceptions have a great influence in dictating what will happen to me, what kinds of experiences I will encounter, or what kind of prosperity I will receive. I am grateful that my imagination has been recovered in my recovery so that I am able to leverage it to continue bettering my life in its entirety.

Affirmation

There is a great truth in Rene Descartes idea of “I think therefore I am.” I will focus on the positive and envision good things for my future.

May 1

”Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for when you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let that steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

Suffering serves a purpose. I have witnessed this in my own recovery, and in that of others. Sometimes we need to face situations of pain and hurt in order to move forward. I have needed to be broken and stripped of my old ways in order to be ready to be rebuilt anew. It is only by shedding my old skin that I can be given a new and different one. I must be willing to let go of the shackles that bind me to the past. Change is a painful process. It is part of the cycle of grieving. I have to say goodbye to something, experience the loss, then grow to embrace the new change and accept it into my life. I need to deal with my feelings through this period of loss, rejection, anger, frustration, acceptance and contentment. It requires faith on my part that something better is awaiting me on the other side. Based on my own experience and beliefs, my Higher Power only wants what is good for me. Therefore anything that needs to be taken away will be replaced with something better. This fact doesn’t always console me or dissolve my initial reluctance to changes, but I am becoming more accepting of new and different things and trusting in my Higher Power to let go of older ones.

Affirmation

The trials I face today are part of the change process to mold me into a better person, and there are good things awaiting me at the end.