October 31 (94)

”When I hear somebody sigh ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” Sydney J. Harris

It’s sometimes hard to see beyond my own problems. They seem to be sit in front of me, blocking my view of everything else. It often takes me going to a meeting and hearing the sharing of others' stories to put my own troubles into perspective. Sometimes it takes me being able to see others' struggles and challenges, hearing and watching them cope, to help me see a way past where I find myself in my own life. Left to my own devices I always tend to make my problems larger than they are. When all I stare at is the issue at hand, it makes it hard to find any kind of solution. I am thankful that I can rely on others to help break me out of that trance. Life has its challenges, but I am learning to live by the Serenity Prayer, to put things into a more realistic perspective. I am letting go of those things and people that I cannot change. Most of my solutions now involve looking at what I can change, what I can do personally in any given situation. It comes from an acceptance of letting the will of my Higher Power precede my own.

Affirmation I will try to focus today on the solutions rather than the problems. Listening to how others cope with their struggles can inspire my own problem-solving.

October 30 (95)

”He who knows others is wise, He who knows himself is enlightened.” Tao Te Ching

I certainly feel more enlightened today than I have in many years. The simple fact of having spent so much time looking inward has forced me to get to know myself better. This is certainly a good thing, and I am aware at the same time that I still have a long ways to go. There has also been a great amount of wisdom that seems to have surfaced in recent months. I still surprise myself with some of the thoughts and words that have come from me in my recovery work, in meetings, in my step work, and of course in these meditations. I owe much of my enlightenment to my SAA fellowship. As another member recently shared, being part of the group is like being a coal amongst other coals in a fire. By being in proximity we keep the fire alive. But if I remove myself, I will continue to burn for a while, but eventually the fire will extinguish. I need to periodically surround myself with other coals, other members of the program, and pick up the tools, to keep fuelling the fire of recovery. This is a display of both wisdom and enlightenment.

Affirmation May I continue to burn brightly and fuel my recovery. The heat from my program can be shared with others and help them in their own journey.

October 29 (96)

”The journey is the reward.” Taoist proverb

It came to my attention during a recent meeting that I haven’t really looked at renewing my reward system. For years there was only one real train of thought that I followed and I hadn’t recognized in my recovery that this system needed to be updated. I didn’t even know really where to start, so I had to ask for help. The best advice I had was to start looking at things that I like to do. Reading for enjoyment is one of my favorite pastimes and it is something that has fallen by the wayside. So either borrowing a book from the library or buying one that I like to read and setting aside some me time to enjoy became a reward on my list. Watching a good movie can also be a healthy reward for me. I also need to be aware of other rewards that can be less of a good choice. Food is a touchy one for me, a nice meal is okay, but junk food is not as I can use it to compensate rather than reward. The importance is to understand if what I choose is truly a reward or an escape. It’s all about learning new ways to cope, which includes finding new ways to treat myself that are positive and support my recovery. This is an important aspect of my program to help ensure I don’t replace one addiction with another.

Affirmation Rewards are as important as my coping mechanisms and I will reflect on the ways that I can treat myself in a healthy way today.

October 28 (97)

”Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities.”” Sue Ebaugh

What a relief it has been to get to that point in my recovery where my head is not filled only with acting our fantasies. My life in active addiction was full of dreams of that nature, or none at all. When I had several months of sobriety, more regular dreams began appearing at night, and before long my slumber was filled with the active workings of my subconscious with more “normal” visions. My dreams are also a place where I re-enact events, or explore situations that might happen and have a chance to role-play my actions and reactions. It has been a useful place where my subconscious allows me to test out new behaviours, to explore new boundaries, and to be open to new ideas. It is truly a playground when my mental state is healthier. Having my dreams return is yet another sign of progress, another indication that I am regaining my wholeness. Having a better interaction with my subconscious allows me to explore even more new and exciting possibilities.

Affirmation Dreams are another place where I can seek opportunities for growth, may I be able to pay attention to those hidden ideas.

October 27 (98)

”Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice.” Stanley Horowitz

Defects of character, oh boy, some of these are hard to face and ask my Higher Power to take from me. Being quick to anger, quick to judge, quick to overreact, especially with my kids – this is not an easy one to handle. I am becoming more and more aware just how much damage getting angry and showing it, raising my voice,  and getting aggressive have caused in my relationships with my children. Fortunately, having the ability to think more clearly while in sobriety, incited me to take some parenting classes. It is pretty difficult to look at all the things I have done poorly, but I can be thankful, just as I am in recovery, that I can put these new tools and tips to work right away. My kids need me to be a parent, sometimes to guide and discipline with love and good intentions. My role, first and foremost though, is to be an ally. I need to be there to support them, to teach them, to encourage them to grow and develop their potential, to have fun and play with them, and to simply appreciate them for who they are.

Affirmation My words and actions will have a huge impact on my kids, may I behave in ways to nurture them today.

October 26 (99)

”Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” Sir Winston Churchill

SAA has given me faith and hope that there is a better way ahead. It also gives me encouragement that all my failures can amount to something positive and have a healthy influence in my life. The sharing of other’s struggles, and their overcoming of seemingly incredible odds, helps me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Failure has always been a challenging topic, and often a trigger for my addict. It’s taken a lot of reprogramming to start seeing the positive side of failure. I know much better that I need not be afraid to fail. It means I am open to changing, taking risks, stepping out of the routine. The importance is to keep trying, to find the way things have worked well and to look at how to improve the weak spots. Life is about trying to do the right thing, making the tough choices, risking making mistakes and having faith in something greater than you, a master design. It’s about not losing myself along the journey, but a about finding myself.

Affirmation I must be willing to risk failure in order to make those choices that will lead me on the path to a better life.

October 25 (100)

”Purity of soul cannot be lost without consent.” St. Augustine

It was a hard fact to face in a treatment session that I had given my power away. Learning about the destructive power of resentment, I began to see how blaming others, holding grudges, and seeking revenge were all acts that kept me tied to the past and allowed others to continue to influence my life years after the fact. Worst of all, I had done this to myself, allowed a part of me to take a stranglehold of my emotions, to deny a very core part of my being in order to further my harmful and compulsive behaviours. The core of who I am still remained beneath all the garbage, lies, cheating and other negative stuff I piled on top of it over the years. I had neglected my emotional and spiritual selves, yet could not destroy them, only hid them out of sight, out of mind. As I had chosen to bury those parts of me, I also regained the ability to dig them out and reintegrate them into my whole being through working my program. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient.  I have heard stories from people that have amazed me in seeing how far they have fallen only to rise back into a healthy state of living. The program is nothing short of a miracle for providing a framework to allow us to rediscover ourselves and return to society as a whole person.

Affirmation I have not lost who I am or who I was meant to be. I simply need to continue to work at rediscovering myself.

October 24

”Courage is the first of all the human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others.” Sir Winston Churchill

Owning up to the parts of my life that are not as I would like them is challenging. This is because it causes me to look at my defects and weaknesses which in turn is usually a trigger for me to want to return to my old behaviours. Which in a way is a self-fulfilling prophecy as it was my compulsive sexual behaviours that were usually the reason for me having those troubled areas in my life in the first place. The worst part is that when I start to take steps to work at confronting my problems and relationships that little voice in the back of my head is all too quick to point out how hard it’s going to be, that I shouldn’t bother, or any number of other excuses. It takes courage to ignore that voice and not fall into the trap but rather takes some positive action instead. Usually when I do, I find the task is not as a difficult as imagined. It still means finding the will to make that first step. Courage is most common in small doses, to take that simple first act towards something new and different, rather than the heroic displays befitting a Hollywood movie. Yet it is an important part to keep us moving, growing, changing and bettering ourselves.

Affirmation May I find the courage today to continue putting on foot in front of the other.

October 23

”Hope does not necessarily take the form of excessive confidence; rather it involves the simple willingness to take the next step.” Stanley Hauerwas

I did not learn to run before I crawled, to write before I could print, or to give a speech before I could say “See spot run.” Like most things in life, I have learned skills gradually and progressively, in a series of small steps as my confidence and ability grew. For many of these abilities my goal was to have an adequate level of proficiency. I have never dreamt of being a marathon runner, a famous author, nor a world class orator. SAA has given me hope for a brighter and saner future, starting with today. Like riding a bike, I have taken gradual steps, attending meetings, sharing my story, gaining a sponsor and working the steps. Each is a stepping stone of progress. I have stumbled along the way, but have had sufficient hope to climb back onto the bicycle and try again. I can happily report that I have a new support network that I frequently rely on, that most days I pick up one or more tool of recovery, and that I still go to my meetings as a fundamental part of my program. SAA continues to give me hope. I am grateful for that gift and even happier to be able to share it and encourage others to keep trying.

Affirmation I will make the small steps I need to in order to continue along my path of recovery.

October 22

”Try to forget yourself in the service of others.  For when we think too much of ourselves and our own interests, we easily become despondent. But when we work for others, our efforts return to bless us.” Sidney Powell

Most of my focus in my active addiction was on me. Doing things for others was usually just a means to an end, a way to get obligations or people out of my way so that I could do what I really wanted to be doing. Although I may have done a good job, I didn’t usually care much about anything I did or put my heart into the task. My recovery has also been very focused on myself, but at a deeper, more internal level of reflection and introspection as I pull away the layers of deception and falsehood that I used to cover up my emotions. Much of my work had to be done alone, for only I can work on changing my behaviours and attitudes. My really big steps though have come from those times where I have given freely of myself to others. I have taken the role of treasurer for one of my groups, and also helped to establish and lead a step-study group. Not only has this encouraged my own recovery, it has supported the recovery of others. I learn more through the sharing of others that I do by relating my own experiences of strength, hope and courage. It truly is in giving that we receive.

Affirmation I know I am no longer alone in the world, in giving back to the community I shall reap rewards I never would have imagined.

October 21

"The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold.” Aristotle

I think this is one of the first quotes that really hit me in the face as I began my recovery. Coming to admit that I had an addiction, to acknowledge probably for the first time the dual life I had been living was certainly difficult. I spent many weeks questioning everything about me and my past, trying to separate the lies from the truth. I know I practiced a lot of deception through my years of acting out. I think I was hard pressed to think of someone whom I hadn’t lied to along the way. It became part of my addict, seeking ways to disguise the truth to keep access to my compulsive and destructive behaviours. Through the program I have regained my capacity for honesty. Finding a group of sympathetic people where I was free, even welcome and encouraged, to share my deepest and darkest secrets and fears, has gradually allowed me to regain my faith in open and honest communication. I have shared so many things with people, complete strangers, which I thought I would never tell another soul. At a more basic level, I am truthful with myself and how I am feeling and this shows in my deeds as well.

Affirmation Honesty is truly the best policy and it’s only through the truth, through the revelation of my secrets, that I will be set free.

October 20

”A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” Sir Francis Bacon

One thing my addict was good at was making opportunities to act out. This is a skill that I need to apply in my recovery - to utilize as much or more time as I used to put into planning to play in my middle and inner circles to now focus on my outer circle. This means doing things like creating a recovery routine, having SAA literature readily available at home, at work, or on the go. It can be as simple as replacing a phone number of an acting out partner with a number from someone in the program. Installing a cyber-blocking program on my PC and entrusting the password to someone like my sponsor is also a good idea. I can and have made many excuses to not get to a meeting, not do some work in my recovery books or to call a friend. When I reflect on the lengths I used to go to so I could act out, it is usually pretty easy to find the motivation that is lacking to be able to make a better choice. I need to be committed to put in at least half, if not all, of the effort that I spent on acting out to be working my program if I truly expect to move forward, ever mindful that I am seeking progress and not perfection.

Affirmation I gain time in letting go of my addiction and need to be conscious about choosing outer circle activities to fill it with.

October 19

”Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower.” Shigenori Kameoka

As much as I have reason to be upset, to hold a grudge, or to seek revenge as I move forward in my new life, these acts are no longer congruent with how I want to live. There are people from my past and present, who dislike me or worse, and it has been a difficult transition but these are now the people whom I pray for most. Not so that they will treat me better, but so that they find their own path of healing and recovery. I have found the seed at the bottom of my heart, and it is love. It is an imperfect, human love, but it is still my direct connection to God’s love. I seek only to do what is right by His will and his guidance. For my Higher Power will not only lead me, but as I believe He alone will also judge me. I am open to feedback and criticism and I am working hard at only accepting the parts which are the truth and letting the harsh words, insults and hateful emotions go. Retaliation serves no purpose; I will not change other’s views or attitudes by acting as they do, if indeed I have any influence at all. I remain steadfast to my morals and values because it is the right thing to do.

Affirmation If I remember to think, speak, and act from the basis of love, I will make the right choices today.

October 18

”It has long be an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

My addict used to like things complicated. The more an event could be turned into a big affair, the stronger the emotional reaction I would have and want to suppress and the bigger the reward I needed to seek to compensate. Talk about living in insanity. Life is complex, certainly. Things happen that are not always simple. Yet I don’t need to add artificial complexity to life to support those behaviours that will cause me to overreact in unhealthy ways. My life now is more about giving things their proper perspective, assessing them more realistically and then acting accordingly. I don’t need my old coping mechanisms and it’s rare that my instinct pulls me in that direction. Even when my thoughts start to lead me astray, I am aware and can stop and let them pass. If they persist, I choose to pick up a tool of recovery or reach out for support to keep making the healthier choices. The other realization has been that many of the things which are too complicated are events that I can do little to change. So in turning them over to the care of my Higher Power I free myself to live more simply.

Affirmation I will choose not to overburden myself with things I cannot control, nor overcomplicate what can remain simple.

October 17

”Great is the road I climb, but the garland offered by an easier effort is not worth the gathering.” Sextus Propentius

It’s often said that the best things in life are free. This certainly was an attitude that I had in my active addiction, but in a twisted and perverse sense, stemming from entitlement more than from need. Realistically, when I look back at my life, while many of the things that mean the most to me might be free in the sense of not costing money, the things I value such as love, patience, hope, and my children, have had a great price in the sacrifice, effort and time I have needed to commit to them. Very rarely does anything that is simply handed to me truly impact my life. It’s all the things that I have to struggle to achieve, that come from hard work and dedication, set-backs and disappointments, failure and persistence, that matter more. Those things I have to fight for are what I appreciate most. It is not that I try to find the hardest way to do things or continually reach for what is way beyond my grasp. But it is those times where I toil, where I face difficulties that I feel most rewarded when I reach the goal. It is strife that can give me the opportunity to grow and be thankful for the road I needed to travel.

Affirmation Struggle is not a bad thing, I need to see these difficulties as opportunities to grow, to overcome the hurdles and learn the lessons my Higher Power believes I need.

October 16

”What a new face courage puts on everything.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Courage can change my outlook on life. I continue to face many trials as I move forward in recovery and I am not always brave enough to face up to them right away. I find myself repeating the Serenity Prayer, asking my Higher Power for the courage to continue advancing along the path of recovery and doing his will. Sometimes courage comes directly from within, often it comes from others around me, friends or members in the program who support and encourage me. I need courage as well for the things that are going well in my life. I still have a difficult time accepting the good things. I need to be ok with having positive events occur and not feel a need to sabotage them. M old thoughts of feeling like I am not worthy or deserving still creep into my head from time to time. Courage here is a lead-in to my renewed faith that the God of my understanding has my best interests at heart. People, places and things will continue to come and go. Some will help challenge me to grow, some will support and others will try to disrupt and destroy. All that I have overcome so far in my brief time in recovery is proof that I can move through life without reliance on my addiction as a power greater than myself.

Affirmation My Higher Power promises to lead me to sanity if I but trust and ask. The courage to do this will help me confront all situations.

October 15

”Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness.  Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” Scott Adams

It’s been quite a long time that I have not believed in coincidence. Too many things have happened in my own life and those of the people around me to ignore the influence or something or someone else. I have always believed in God, in some way or another, and it was He who was readily available as my Higher Power when I found SAA. The fact that I think everything happens for a reason is also a founding argument for my belief in karma. That what we do, what we give of ourselves, how we treat others, all this eventually comes back to us. Acts of kindness clearly fit into this topic. Being kind means thinking of others, putting someone else’s needs before my own and giving service. The program talks at length about giving back, of being in service to others, and I think at the most basic level it starts with simple, kind acts. Being kind, compassionate and caring is all a part of living in harmony with others. Life is more pleasant and enjoyable when I am not in conflict. And I am truly beginning to see that it takes two people to create conflict, if I do not react then I can remain at peace no matter what others around me do.

Affirmation My smallest acts today may be my biggest reward. I will remember everyone around me has problems of their own and will treat them gently and kindly.

October 14

”If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes. If you don’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow comes.” Senegalese proverb

I heard something on the radio recently that gave me pause. The message was that God wants us to confront our problems, as the speaker put it, to be a giant-killer, as in relation to the story of David and Goliath. It was a message that I needed to hear, a reminder that one of the big concerns in my life was not going to change if I continued to do nothing about it. Tomorrow would come, and it would still be there, just as much as it is today. So I made a commitment to take action, to make a phone call that I had been procrastinating about for a few days. It has not yet solved the problem, but I am now moving towards a solution rather than turning away from it. I still don’t know what the end result will be, and that is where my faith in my Higher Power has to take over. Tomorrow will be here whether or not I do anything about it. My choice today is to look at what action I can take, what problems I need to face to start making a difference in my life. May God grant me the courage to change what I can.

Affirmation I will be a giant-killer today. I shall run towards my problems and face them.

October 13

”After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” Samuel Rutherford

The bad thing about life is that it is always changing. As much as I would like things to stay still, to freeze time at those points where I am happy and content, it simply doesn’t happen. Life keeps marching merrily along to its own beat, fulfilling some unseen design. The good thing about life is that it is always changing. I will get stuck in ruts and go through rough patches. There will be times when I am sad, feel blue, get ill or I am simply in a foul mood. These things will pass as life continues its journey all around me. My choice in the matter is how I want to travel along the river of life.  I can choose today to struggle against the current, to refuse to accept and acknowledge the events in my surroundings and to try to go in the opposite direction. I can choose to do very little, and simply float, letting the current take me where it wills. Or, I can decide to participate, to swim with the flow of events as I embrace the world as it unfolds. What will be your choice today? Me, I think my decision is to jump in and ride the waves, trusting in my Higher Power’s will.

Affirmation Change is all around me, a constant part of being alive. Today I will join it rather than fight it and see where I end up.

October 12

”Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.” Sarah Bernhardt

This is certainly a truth as I have focused not only on recovery in the past year and a half, but on taking better care of myself at all levels, mind, body, and soul. Reincorporating regular exercise is an expenditure of energy that has created more energy for me on a daily basis. I am less fatigued and more motivated than before. Recovery work also breeds recovery work. There have been tools like journaling, prayer, reaching out, meditations, and affirmations that I have had to force myself to practice. Much of it was awkward and unnatural in the beginning. Yet with time and repetition, it has become something that I am more used to and, heaven forbid, even look forward to doing. I still have days when I have trouble getting started, needing to pick up a tool out of habit more than desire because I know it is good for me, and usually, somewhere in the midst of the activity I discover how good I feel and look forward to the reward of accomplishing the task at hand. It is in giving that I receive. When I feel less like doing something for myself, I can gain motivation by helping others, or simply reaching out. I need to remember to set boundaries so as not to put everyone else before myself.

Affirmation I may need to force myself to use my tools of recovery today, but creating new habits will benefit me, and those around me, in time.

October 11

”When making choices in life, do not neglect to live.” Samuel Johnson

I can look back more objectively at my life and the times I lived in active addiction. I can see in retrospect that many of my choices were not about living, not about experiencing and enjoying the world around me. Instead they were focused on one sole train of thought – feeding my addiction. I truly did spend much of my time worshipping that idol of sex. I worked to have the resources to support my habit. I stressed about finances, conflicts and life events to feed the reason for my dependence on my addict as my coping mechanism and I rationalized it all away, not taking any responsibility for my actions. Today my decisions are made for better purposes. I choose to be in recovery and make it a priority. I choose to be second, putting the will of the God of my understanding before my own. I choose to serve others. I chose to love, to forgive, to seek and give kindness. I also choose to recognize my addict but not give in any more. I choose not to regret, not to carry resentments, nor to beat myself up for my mistakes – past, present or future. I choose to be part of the world around me rather than isolate, I choose to be an active participant.

Affirmation I have received the gift of choice; let me make the best ones to support my recovery today.

October 10

”Always remember that striving and struggle precede success, even in the dictionary.” Sarah ban Breathnach

My road of recovery has been a challenging a journey. Maybe not quite to the heroic level one see’s in an adventure film, but still I would suggest it has been a quest of self-discovery. I have had to leave a great deal of what I knew in my “safe” and comfortable life of addiction behind me as I  set forth on the quest to find a better life. I have faced many demons along the way, found sage advisors, often in unlikely places, and sought talismans and magical powers to protect me from harm. The difficulties I have faced and overcome along the way have made me stronger. I have fought the ogres of my past behaviours, confronted the witches and warlocks of the spells of my addictive thinking and fantasy, and have risen from the depths of despair and darkness to find my way back into the light. My journey is only beginning, yet I know I have taken promising strides to a brighter future. I have my Higher Power as an ally, always at my side whenever I dare ask. With the added support of my groups, I know I am overcome whatever monsters I encounter from here on in.

Affirmation Recovery means facing tough situations that will help me change and grow. I am ready and know I need not face these battles alone.

October 9

”Courage is the greatest of all virtues. Because if you haven’t courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others.” Samuel Johnson

Being in recovery take as continuous supply of courage. And while my on confidence is steadily improving, I am well aware that my own efforts are not enough. I have to ask my Higher Power to help out on a regular basis, most days I am just not brave enough to do everything the way I should. Take for example a recent day in my life. I had been looking at registering for a parenting course, but given that I am now separated, I no longer have my built-in babysitter for the week I have my kids. My best option was my brother-in-law, but I was hesitant to ask given how the family relationships were dissolving. Finally I prayed for the courage to make the call, only to find out he wasn’t home but at his brother’s place where my relationships are even more strained. So I asked God for His help again and dialed the second number. No answer. So, unsure if I was simply being ignored, I asked one of my children to call their uncle and let him know that I wanted to speak to him, and left the rest to my Higher Power. I did get called back a couple of days later, and he was willing to help out so I could attend my course. Because I asked for the courage, I am working on rebuilding at least one damaged relationship.

Affirmation When I cannot find it within me to do what needs to be done, let me pray to God for the strength and courage to continue.