April 28

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” Roald Dahl

One of the struggles in my recovery has been rediscovering joy and happiness. After years of depriving myself of these feelings in the endless pursuit of lustful pleasure, my senses were warped. In fact, I strongly related to the term pleasure deaf when I first heard it early in recovery, it was an apt description of my emotional state. It has taken dedication and commitment to working my program of recovery for me to re-engage a healthy and balanced emotional state. Now with years of recovery under my belt, I am once again able to enjoy a beautiful sunrise, relish in the birds singing in the early morning light, savour a well-cooked meal, feel the warmth of a smile, and delight in time spent with a loved one. It is not surprising, looking back at those years spent in my addiction, that my outward appearance often did not let the sunshine peer through. I was living a lie, hiding in my double-life. Today as I live a more genuine and authentic life, the light within has regained the power to  shine forth into the world. And that is a lovely thought indeed.

Affirmation

Today I will practice letting the sun shine forth from within, through smiles, laughing and a cheery demeanour.

August 24

”Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus

I think this quote sums up what the program has been trying to teach me. That I need to be okay knowing there is only so much I can do, and that the rest I simply have to accept things as they are. It is also providing me with tools to help me be in a better position to do my best and to be able to fully commit to those things that I can do. Life is complex. Relationships, at least the ones that matter, are complicated. Yet amidst all this I can still follow the Keep It Simple principle. I have the ability to not add my own complexity into the situations around me. The most direct way for me to do this is to be aware of my own feelings and actions, to take responsibility for what I say and do, and stay in the present. Realizing that strong emotions are a sign from my body that something important is happening, as opposed to something I need to react to, is helping me guide my behaviours. All this is part of my continuing emotional maturity that takes away power from the need for my compulsions of the past. Fear of many things has diminished as I continue to learn more about myself. I have fewer problems with rejection, abandonment, self-worth, and acceptance. I have been able to create boundaries and develop healthy friendships. I have learned to use my talents for productive reasons that support my outer circle. I am returning to the person I know my Higher Power wants me to be.

Affirmation Getting to know myself is not only helpful for me, but for everyone I interact with. It gives me insight and direction on how to be a better citizen.

November 23 (71)

”The best fighter is never angry.” Lao Tzu

I remember early in recovery hearing a good number of members talking about their issues with anger. I didn’t think it was a problem for me personally, probably until I started working the 4th step, and had it reconfirmed as I made my list of people I had harmed in my 8th. Anger may not have been one of my key triggers or reactions but it still had played a part. It was usually brought out at the wrong time at the wrong person for reasons nowhere near related to the situation at hand. In short, most of my anger in my life has been misplaced or misdirected or both. That being the case, it doesn’t really matter how often I got angry if it was not justified. I am thankful to have gained a new perspective and that more and more often I manage to keep my initial reactions in check, acknowledge my emotions, and then choose to act without either repressing my feelings or transferring them to someone else. It’s still a work in progress but I am witnessing steady improvement. It has taken a great deal of courage, work and effort to incorporate emotions back into my life. The most important part of my journey has been rebuilding the road between my head and my heart, but certainly worth every inch.

Affirmation I may not relate to everything that other members share, but will come to see things in a new light as my own recovery progresses.

November 19 (75)

”Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” Haruki Murakami

As a parent, I’ve often found myself in the role of trying to be in charge of difficult situations, to make sure everyone and everything else was taken care of. Which usually meant in the process that I had no time to be emotionally involved, but had to stay focused, practical and logical. All too often this would mean I could never properly digest my own emotions, and during my active periods of addition I had more fuel to pursue middle and inner circle behaviours. I get hurt. I am allowed to hurt. I can be feeling hurt and still be okay. Hard lessons for me to learn and to accept these are, and actually far from my normal behaviours. Yet I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Life is a series of ups and downs, and I will be better off if I can maintain my balance as I ride along amidst all the turmoil that comes my way. Just as I will hurt, so will others, whether by things I have done or because of things over which I have no control. It’s not my place to remove their hurt, but to give them the time and space they need, and to lend support as best I can. As the program promises, this too shall pass.

Affirmation Being comfortable in discomfort is a reminder that I am human and a testament to be connected to my emotions.

November 14 (80)

”It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.” Horace

Although at this point I may not have discovered all the reason why I chose to let my addiction be my primary coping addiction for all those years, I do have a much better understanding of the role it played. It was my main "band-aid" in my emotional first aid kit, where I turned when I was hurt, lonely, sad, experiencing loss, or in any other emotional state where I wanted to bury or repress how I was feeling. Now in my recovery I am gradually coming to terms with the wounds of my past. Learning to forgive others, to make amends and to simply let go are all ways that finally let those scars heal and remove their influence from how I live today. So while I can see that it was foolish to live as I did, putting all my faith in something that sought to destroy my life, in all honesty I didn't know a better way. The consequences of all my actions aside, my addiction did carry me to where I am today. Thankfully, I know now there are many better ways to handle my feelings and my first aid kit has multiple remedies for handling emotional situations. As I continue to Live and Let Live, I am less the fool and less driven by shame.

Affirmation Reconciling my wounds from the past will free me from the shame and guilt I have been carrying and allow me to move forward.

November 5 (89)

”Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” Benjamin Franklin

I was one of those fortunate kids in my early school years who didn’t have to try super hard to have god grades. Paying attention in class and doing my homework was usually sufficient to do well. Most times I wouldn’t even need to study for exams, which usually annoyed my friends. Problem was, I didn’t really develop good study habits which became painfully obvious in my post-secondary studies. It was then that I envied the people who had had to struggle through their early school years as they were much better prepared to handle university than I was. This is a good parallel with my emotional growth. Because I buried my emotions for years from my early teens onward, I also didn’t learn the best ways of dealing with them. It’s not as fun trying to go through some of these lessons later in life, when I am supposed to be more mature and capable. I know well enough that I learn better when I am involved and I hope, at least, to be able to use this knowledge to better guide my children. I need to make those extra efforts to help true learning take place and hopefully give them a better start in life.

Affirmation The struggles of my youth often set the stage for my adult years and the lessons I missed are harder, but not impossible, to learn when I am older.

July 2

”Do not remove a fly from your friend’s head with a hatchet.” Chinese Proverb

Reconnecting my head to my heart, allowing myself to feel my emotions after years of ignoring and burying them has presented its own difficulties. Having stopped my emotional maturity as an adolescent has left a void in my growth and years of lessons and practice of managing them accordingly have been missed. So I guess it should come as no surprise when some of my initial reactions are untempered and nearly overwhelm me. I was not mentally prepared to feel so angry, sad, happy or afraid as I was in that initial period. It has taken patience and a great deal of personal courage to allow those strong emotions to flow within me. I heard on member describe it best as standing in front of a massive dam in the Grand Canyon, knowing the pressure of all that water was just waiting and hoping to get out from the other side. On the occasions where my dam has burst I have feared being washed away in the flood. I am grateful to have built a spiritual foundation and to have to hope from others to help me stand my ground. Through time and practice I am learning to better match the intensity of my emotion to the situation rather than having those flash flood moments. As in most of my life, I strive for moderation and balance instead of living in extremes.

Affirmation I will be open to my emotions, but in a measure that is appropriate for the situation.