November 26 (68)

”Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement.” Thomas N. Carruther

I am grateful that I have found a healthy, if somewhat contradictory, way to cross boundaries in my recovery. Whereas my addiction led me to break moral, ethical and other boundaries through my behaviours, my recovery is balancing that equation. I have come across several events where I have found myself thinking, “This is too much, I cannot possibly get through this” only to find sometime later that I have made it to the other side.  And not only have I survived the ordeal, but grown stronger and strengthened my faith and recovery in the process. How does this happen? Well, by putting my trust in my Higher Power and by surrendering my will to His own. This has been no easy task. Going from living from fix to fix in pleasing my addiction to throwing my problems to the universe and saying “Help, please deal with this, as I cannot, it is too much” takes a huge leap of faith. It is the support of others in the program; hearing and seeing fellow members overcome equally challenging situations that has given me the willingness to try putting my hopes in the God of my understanding. Trust in a power greater than myself is leading me to a saner life.

Affirmation I will trust in my Higher Power today and believe that His plan is good and is leading me in a better direction.

November 17 (77)

”Shame may restrain what the law does not prohibit.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

One of the hardest things to deal with when I was in active addiction was how the consequences of my actions had no impact. I knew all the things I risked losing, the diseases I could have picked up, the damage I could have done to my relationships, my family and my reputation. None of it mattered when my compulsive behaviour took hold. All that mattered was getting my fill, no matter the cost. I really wish my shame had been strong enough to deter my actions. This is the problem with my disease – it takes over control of my ability to reason and consider the consequences of my choices. The desire to fulfill my sexual needs took precedence over everything else, even over my basic want for food, shelter and security. I am so thankful to be in recovery now and to be able to respect boundaries. I know that my addiction will work against me and take over if I give it the chance. This is why I need to be persistent and vigilant in working my program. The compulsive and unmanageable tendencies of my illness will remain part of my nature and will try to manifest in other ways. My best defense is a good offense in racking up recovery points by focusing on my outer circle behaviours and activities.

Affirmation I acknowledge that my addictive personality will be part of me, but I have the willpower to make other choices. I choose recovery today!

June 21

”I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” Bill Cosby

I remember the reaction from one counsellor on hearing me divulge that I was a sex addict for the first time. He looked me square in the eyes and said, “So you have boundary issues do you.” In less than 3 seconds he neatly summarized years of behaviour. Of course it took me much longer to apply this against my previous actions. In the end thought, that observation has applied to most of my acting out, and even middle circle behaviours. Many of my downward spirals simply kept pushing my limits, the boundaries of my morals and values. Not only did I breach my own trust, I also brought others along for the ride. I have taken innocent situations and obsessed about them until I was convinced they meant way more than intended. I have taken a harmless glance and turned into an invitation for a one-night stand. My addict has done little to allow me to see clearly, always distorting reality in the attempt to make me fulfill my sexual desires. Some of my motivation was to try and please others, to fit in and be accepted. In recovery today I am establishing healthy boundaries for myself and learning to accept and respect those of others. I know that in my fellowship I am accepted simply as I am, I have no need to pretend to be someone or something else. And that suits me just fine.

Affirmation Today I focus on respecting my boundaries as well as those of others. I need to be clear on where I stand and differentiate my needs from my wants.

March 9

”A rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is, a biting of oneself. We think we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves.” Eli E. Stanley

In our journey of recovery we need to learn how to set new boundaries, out of respect for ourselves and for others. We need to learn what lines we cannot afford to cross as they lead to middle and inner circle behaviours, or are simply inappropriate and unhealthy. It’s an important task to determine the actions and activities that fall within our three circles. This is part of establishing new boundaries within ourselves in terms of our addiction. It’s critical to remember that how we react to certain individuals, situations or emotions can be harmful and inadvertently feed our addiction. Learning to trust our new boundaries without testing them can be challenging. Some members go so far as a written contract with their sponsor to delineate their new acceptable behaviours.

Affirmation I can work on establishing healthy boundaries and relationships.