August 31

”Courage is resistance to fear, masking of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain

Being in recovery is scary business. Facing life without the safety and security of my addiction can be frightening. Even though I see and hear that the program and faith in a Higher Power works for others in recovery, it is another thing entirely to make those steps on my own. Yet each challenge I face in sobriety, with the knowledge of my Higher Power by my side and my fellowship supporting me, strengthens my resolve and determination to live without the crutch of my drug of choice. Courage is a muscle that I can strengthen through use. I have faced seriously challenging and emotionally charged situations in recovery, sane and sober, that I could never have imagined having survived without resorting to acting out only a short time ago. God is a continued blessing in my life as I reprioritize my spiritual health. When I lack the strength, patience or courage I know help is only a prayer away. Meditation and gratitude complete the triangle of my spiritual life. To help keep me balanced and whole, in good times and in bad.

Affirmation I may be afraid to face life without my old coping mechanisms but I can take heart that others in the program have gone before me and succeeded.

August 30

”Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” Marilyn vos Savant

How easy it is for me to give up. It only takes a moment of doubt that I cannot do it, cannot go on any longer and before I know it my actions have followed suit. Defeat starts in my own head; it is not something that comes from an external source, from fate, God or any power greater than me. I am defeated when I choose to be. I am not trying to confuse this with losing. I can, and do, lose at many things. Or perhaps more positively worded, I do not always succeed. But I always have the option to try again. If it is something important enough, worthy for my journey in life, then I need to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, and take the next step. I can see in retrospect that it takes work to give up on many things. It is not usually a simple task to let something go. I need to make excuses, find reason to beat myself down as to why I won’t succeed, find someone or something to blame my failures on – all time and energy I could be using to try again. It is a little like learning that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile – and smiling always makes me feel better.

Affirmation Today I choose to smile, to dance in the rain, to be a light in the dark, and to keep on keeping on.

August 29

”We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make.” Marian Wright Edelman

There are many days where I want big changes to occur in my recovery, even miraculous. The truth is, I don’t think I have had anything like that happen to me yet. And even though there have been no super-inspirational events, all the many small steps that I continue to make add up to where I am now, with several months of sobriety, a strong outer circle routine, great connection in the fellowship and decent rapport with my Higher Power. Honestly I think I prefer it this way, any big changes in my life, positive or negative, tend to disrupt my life more. Taking things as they come in smaller pieces is easier to manage, digest, and cope with on a daily basis. I shouldn’t be surprised by this…my trip into addiction was a long and slow process. So I expect my return voyage to sobriety to be a similar endeavour. I need to remind myself that each small correction I make is a victory. It is something worth recognizing, worth celebrating and being proud of. Progress, progress, progress is the name of the game, and persistence and patience are what will help keep me pointed in the right direction.

Affirmation I can celebrate the small differences I make - if the change is genuine and moves me forward in recovery then it has  been worthwhile.

August 28

”Service is the rent we pay to be living. It is the key purpose of life and not something to do in your spare time. ” Marian Wright Edelman

As my term as group treasurer draws to a close, I am grateful for the opportunity to have been of service to my group. It is a small token of appreciation for all the fellowship has given back to me. It has also been a positive motivator to keep me coming to meetings on a regular basis, especially on those days where I would rather have done something else. Having an opportunity to act responsibly was also a building block to putting my life in recovery into perspective and having some healthy, positive experiences to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence. Service is also about humility and putting the needs of others before those of my own. It is a reminder that nothing is beneath me if it is for the benefit of the greater good. Simple acts of collecting donations, paying room rental costs and ordering literature also helped me in ensuring the continuing functioning of my group so that there is a place for fellow addicts, old and new, to come to find the same help I am.

Affirmation Service allows me not only to give back to the program that is helping me, but ensure that the group will exist for others to seek help as well.

August 27

”Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what your do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

I am more conscious when my life is in harmony; when I feel content with who I am right here, right now. Becoming honest with myself, connecting with my feelings, and being able to speak my mind appropriately give me a new sense of living that feels healthy and whole. I am more often able to be in a state of mind where I feel at peace with myself and connected to my Higher Power and the world around me. Even though parts of me know better, I still have moments where I need to learn the hard way. I will speak to the wrong person, say the wrong thing or have an inappropriate thought. But by the grace of God, as I understand Him, I  now feel how incongruent these behaviours are and recognize that I have indeed changed. I’ll still have to handle the consequences of what I have said or done, but in most cases the lesson has been learned. I am moving forward in my recovery and moving beyond my mistakes. Harmony in my life ebbs and flows like most things. How well I work my program and take care of myself and my basic needs are all factors that I can control to improve my current condition. As long as I keep focusing on the small things I will be much more prepared to face the bigger challenges.

Affirmation May my thoughts, words, and actions match for today. I will be open to my Higher Power working through me.

August 26

”Why are we surprised when fig trees bear figs.” Margaret Titzel

Being in recovery is both a blessing and a curse. It’s been a blessing because it has shown me the depths of my own sickness and that awareness has motivated me to change my behaviours. It’s a curse because the awareness has also shown me how others in my life have been contaminated by my illness. This is not always a good thing because others are not always open to admitting they are sick as well and need help. I cannot force anyone to seek help for the damage I have caused by bringing my addiction into their lives. This negative side of my awareness leads me too often to expecting to react as though they have the knowledge I am gaining in my recovery. The problem is, many of them are doing little to change their coping mechanisms, so it should not be a surprise when they continue to act as if I am sick, or just in their own unhealthy ways. Yet is takes me aback more often than not. I need to be careful in setting unrealistic expectations in my relations with others. It is me that is in recovery; I am working a program; I am getting help and walking a new path. I can encourage others to do so, but until they make that choice for themselves, they are not likely to treat me any differently nor change their own behaviours. This is something I need to be prepared for and to live through.

Affirmation I will be aware that I am not expecting too much of others and to remember that my recovery changes me first.

August 25

”Forward, as occasion offers. Never look round to see whether any shall note it. Be satisfied with success in even the smallest matter and think that even such a result is no trifle.” Marcus Aurelius

Some days when I reflect at the end of it all it can be hard to find any progress I have made. I need to learn to be gentler. Even small things like resisting a trigger, not contacting someone from my past or censoring something I was going to say that is not healthy are achievements in my recovery. Even small victories deserve recognition. I also need to stop waiting for the world to cheer because I am in recovery…my Higher Power knows, my sponsor knows, and those who matter most in my life know. The goal is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to continue my voyage through the process of the 12 Steps to the best of my ability. Each day of sobriety and serenity is a brick removed from the wall built by my addiction to keep me from my spiritual well-being. Life is not a game to be played too lightly and certainly my recovery is not something to be taken for granted. It will continue only as long as I continue to work my program, reach out for help, show gratitude and trust in my Higher Power.

Affirmation I will be thankful for whatever progress I make today, no matter how small.

August 24

”Be the change that you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

This quote always reminds me of another anecdote about Gandhi. A mother goes to see him one day and asks Gandhi to tell her son to stop eating sugar. Gandhi tells the woman to come back in 2 weeks. When the woman returns, Gandhi looks at her son and tells him to stop eating sugar. The lady is a bit confused and asks Gandhi why he didn’t simply say this at the previous meeting. To which Gandhi replied, “Two weeks ago I was still eating sugar.” Wow! If only I had a fraction of that resolve and authenticity in my own life. I am trying to adopt this as my way of life. I now observe the speed limit, obey traffic signals, try to be more courteous – all things I would have previously ignored and disregarded because “everyone else does it.” I don’t want to be a blind follower any longer. My path is different now because I choose to make it so. I want to apply the same philosophy to the person I am becoming. I need to focus on the attitudes and behaviours that I want to have rather than relying on what used to be the norm. Changing habits is difficult and I am not always able to make the change right away. It takes patience, perseverance, and faith in my Higher Power that I will change.

Affirmation Change in my life starts with me. God grant me the strength and courage today to change what I can.

August 23

”Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.” Maggie Kuhn

It’s been quite apparent in my life since finding SAA that there is no going back. I know too much now, about addiction, about the program and about myself to give in blindly to my compulsive behaviour. Like the cartoon characters of old, I’ve looked down after walking off the cliff into mid-air and realized that gravity exists – and that I will fall. This awareness has also put me in touch with my feelings. I find myself no longer content to avoid them, push them away, ignore them or use them to act in an inappropriate manner. I feel more compelled to speak my mind, to share how I react, how I feel, and how I am in situations that impact my life. I do not do this for the benefit of others but to keep control in my life and let out what I would normally have put under lock and key. It is not always an easy task to reveal my emotions, to continue to be open, honest, and willing. Yet I know the path my life takes when I do not, and that person is no longer someone that I desire to be. I owe it to myself to live a better life.

Affirmation I will continue to share my feelings, not to guilt or belittle others, but to free myself of my emotion and guard my serenity.

August 22

”When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” Mae West

Hmm, does that ever sound like my addict. I can all too readily recall how I would get caught acting out in specific ways by my spouse, promise never to do behaviour X again (and truly mean it), then pick up behaviour Y which was usually worse and had more dire consequences. And so went those downward spirals where everything was darker, where more was needed to get the desired effect, and more risk was taken. Recovery is about making choices too. But now I can usually recognize the “evil” choice and instead go for the “live” choice, the healthy way to act that supports my growth and maturity in the program. I can see that the choices of my addiction negatively impact my serenity whereas outer circle and program-related activities stimulate me in positive directions. Life still means taking risks. I have more awareness of where my decisions, good or bad, can lead me after everything I have learned from others in the program. I can no longer claim to be naïve and ignorant of the consequences of my actions. I am responsible now for my recovery.

Affirmation Choosing recovery means choosing to be accountable. It’s not about perfection but about accepting the consequences of my decisions.

August 21

”It’s a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us a sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand.” Madeleine L’Engle

My vision in life is often quite narrow still, even in recovery. My desire for things to go my way can blind me to possibilities other than the one I want. This is my ongoing challenge, trying to open myself to the will of my Higher Power and relinquishing my own. I need to let go, surrender and let things happen as they will. When I try to force the issue, see my way as the only way, I often close myself to other’s opinions and actions. I try to fit things into my scenario and when they don’t I reject them or see the person as someone who is working against me rather than with me. It is hard to stay focused in the present and worry only about the facts. Trying to understand the motivation of others is an impossible task, yet I still try anyways. My primary goal is to keep working my program and concentrating on the things I can control. As hard as I try to manage my life there are times when the rug is pulled right out from under me. It’s just another reminder of how little control I actually have. I can remember this on a day to day basis as each day is really no different…I don’t require those extreme events to remind me to worry first about myself and my needs and let others take care of themselves.

Affirmation God, grant me the patience, strength and courage to worry about my own thoughts and actions today and to let all others go.

August 20

”The true way of softening one’s troubles is to solace those of others.” Madame de Maintenon

My problems, looked at in isolation, often seem huge, difficult or insurmountable. Yet as I share them with others, my sponsor, fellow addicts or in my meetings, I often gain insight in describing them to others that allows me a more realistic view. In sharing I often hear stories from others   that also challenge me to look at the emphasis I am putting on the problem and how I am holding back from working towards a solution. Sometimes I just need to recognize someone else’s pain and suffering to forget about my own for a while and to be the one who lends support rather than leaning on others. I am beginning to realize the power of the program in those of us who are recovering transforming into wounded healers. It is my darkest and lowest points of my life, when I felt at the end of any hope, that are becoming strengths that allow me to connect with others who are suffering that is only possible because I have been there too. Through this common bond I can show that even as bad as my life has been, it has turned to a positive direction, by the grace of my Higher Power, where the sun shines once again and a sense of normalcy is possible.

Affirmation I will recognize my potential as a wounded healer and reach out to someone I know who is suffering.

August 19

”A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other.” M. C. Richards

I frequently share that since discovering SAA the greatest gift I have, and continue to receive, is that of awareness. No longer am I living under the delusion of my addiction, in the fog that there is no better way to be. Yet whole all this awareness is great. While I can recognize when I am triggered, when a situation is likely to start me down that slippery slope, it isn’t always enough. My awareness gives me a pause in my thinking, and the opportunity to do things differently, to choose another path than my addict’s auto-pilot. But in order to change I need to act on that awareness. If my awareness just registers the warning on my radar, but I ignore it, eventually the blip will be right on top of me and my ability to fight it off will be that much harder. I need to realize that this early warning signal needs to be taken seriously, that if I value my recovery that I need to take precautionary measures a.s.a.p. This is the time to pick up a tool, repeat the Serenity Prayer or the 12 Steps, contact my sponsor or a fellow member, pray to my Higher Power, or whatever will support me in turning away from the lures of my addict. Over time my healthy reactions to my awareness radar will become more instinctual and I will find it easier to avoid sticky situations.

Affirmation I will treat my awareness today with extra care and practice putting precautionary measures in to place before things get out of control.

August 18

”And if we are to be any better, now is the time to begin.” Lord Alfred Tennyson

My recovery can wait. I can go to the next meeting. I can call someone, tomorrow. I can read the green book, later. These are all choices that I can make. There are consequences to postponing working my program though. My addiction is ever-present and has no qualms about filling time that I decide not to use more constructively. Before I know it I can lose an hour, or two, or the better part of a day succumbing to my obsessive and compulsive behaviours. As I gain sobriety I am learning to be aware of this pattern. When I start putting things off, not only recovery work, but day-to-day tasks, it is easy for me to look back in retrospect at how easily my addictive side slides into place to direct my actions. This slippery slope can be avoided by saying to me, “Well I don’t really feel like doing X right now, but the alternative is to open myself up to middle or inner circle behaviours.” Being consciously aware of the consequence of inaction is usually enough motivation to push me to do whatever it is that I was procrastinating about getting done. The time for action is right now and it will keep me grounded in the present.

Affirmation I will be wary of being pulled towards inaction; it can be a warning sign that my addictive behaviour is taking control.

August 17

”Far away in the sunshine are my highest expectations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try to follow their lead.” Louisa May Alcott

Some of my goals may be loft ideas right now. They may seem unrealistic, unreachable or even impossible. Yet I can look back at my life to a time not so long ago where I thought the return to some sense of normalcy, of being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, seemed a state that was out of my reach. Today it is something that has mostly been regained. So who am I to judge what remains in the realm of possibility? I need not achieve such grandiose dreams in a simple heroic leap…more likely it will take a long journey, and often, if I am focused on the way ahead and less on the goal, I often find I have surpassed the goal rather than recognizing the exact instant I have attained what was once so highly desired. My path in recovery is less about the milestones than it is about each mile and each stone that I look upon or under as I voyage ahead. My focus on the present, staying aware of what I can change, where I can make a difference – this is what enables me to mature and grow.

Affirmation I can reach for the stars while realizing that I still need to take a step at a time to get there.

August 16

”No man can reveal to you ought, but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge.” Khalil Gibran

I recently took a huge leap in my recovery and shared my 5th step with a fellow member. I was trepidatious, knowing I was opening myself to bare my soul in a way that I had never done. Working my fourth and putting down on paper all my resentments, fears, loneliness, hurt and pain, somewhat balanced by my healthy behaviours and achievements had been challenging enough. I am grateful for the support of my step study group and the strength from my Higher Power to get me through those few weeks of intensive introspection as I worked my 4th. My continuing recovery is showing me what I am capable of doing. My desire to live as a better person is motivating me to work the program and the continuous display of hope and the promise of a new way of living fuels my attitude to do it right. The challenges of working the steps have been tempered by the support of my fellowship. I will not deny that this has been difficult, some of the hardest work I have ever had to do to face my inner demons and my faults. It has been harder to find the good in those dark times, to discover reasons to love myself, to celebrate achievements, to find worthiness within me, and to accept myself as whole. Yet I am who I am and my Higher Power accepts me as I am, so I shall do no less.

Affirmation The hardest steps can be overcome when I trust the process and accept the support of others.

August 15

”Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.” Lord Byron

I knew I was in good company in my meetings when I saw others able to make jokes and laugh about their behaviours. It has encouraged me to try and take myself less seriously. Life is not all about responsibility. I have many defects, and have done many things that in retrospect were insane, hilarious, ridiculous and just plain stupid. Being able to laugh at my own foibles helps me to put the past into proper perspective. Laughter can also help deflate the sense of grandeur and importance my addiction feels it deserves. While I can admit it served a purpose in helping me cope in some manner, it certainly does not deserve to be worshipped or held in high-esteem. A little bit of self-ridicule and mocking can go a long way in reminding me that there is a better way to live. Laughter has also been described as the shortest distance between two people. I certainly know it has helped me connect to certain members of my groups. It is a healthy form of intimacy that helps to draw me into close relationships. Opening myself to making jokes about me has the same effect and is a sign I am letting go of old behaviours.

Affirmation Transforming pain into laughter helps me to move forward and loosens the grip of my addictive past.

August 14

”I am part of all I have met.” Lord Alfred Tennyson

I am unique. My uniqueness comes not only from all the parts inherent in me from birth, but also from everything I have experienced in my life. As true as it is that I have influenced everyone I have come into contact with, so too have I been influenced in return by them. Those I have been more regularly exposed to or that I have let closer into my personal life have had more potential to both nurture and damage parts of me. In some ways this is what allows me to feel more at ease when sharing my darker secrets with strangers in the program, the connection to my personal core is not as strong. There is another dimension. When I begin to see myself as a part of a larger community and recognize the influence I can have, I then have a responsibility to try and be a positive influence. I can strive to be someone who will enhance the journey and lives of others rather than being a hindrance or obstacle. For me this is one way of showing that I am doing the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation My uniqueness is a gift, but one that is meant to be shared, not hoarded or squandered. May I be a positive influence in the world today.

August 13

”You can’t build a reputation on what you intend to do.” Liz Smith

Most days I set out with good intentions. I start with a prayer, read a daily meditation, and commit to being in recovery. Yet it still happens that I fall into the routine of my day and my program takes a back seat, present but mostly forgotten or ignored. I somehow make it through the day until something triggers me and then I snap back into recovery mode. This can happen several times throughout the day. I need to actively make recovery and my tools an integral part of my day. Taking sanity breaks to say the Serenity Prayer, reach out to a friend in the program, simply pause, breathe and refocus on the present – all these will help me guard against trigger moments. I can choose to be more proactive in working my program rather than reaction to situations that challenge me. It takes more than good intentions to make my recovery a reality. It takes action and work on my part to put the tools into practice. If I want to change my reputation, how I feel about myself, and remove my secret life, I need to take the steps to make the knowledge I am gaining visible to myself and others. It will take effort, sweat and tears to change into the recovering person I intend to become.

Affirmation It’s my deeds today that will reflect how much I have changed in recovery, so let’s get to it and do it!

August 12

”Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side – to take us around the unknown curve.” Lillian Smith

Faith in my Higher Power, in myself, in my support network – all these help me to push forward and to face new challenges. Yet on the same hand doubt can force me to keep hold of the reins, to not charge blindly ahead but to proceed with some caution and well-reasoned intent. In this aspect I quite agree that they work hand-in-hand to help me seek the unknown in a more controlled and deliberate fashion. Recklessness and chaos were characteristics of my addiction. Acting with no regard for the consequences, simply succumbing to the lure of the promised “high” at the end of the journey was all that mattered. No consideration was given for the aftermath. Nor was there any worry about those I may hurt along the way, including myself, to reach the goal of my obsession. My goals today have returned to have a valuable meaning. Just as important, if not more so, are all the steps that I must take to reach the summit. They now need to be steps of integrity, honesty, respect and responsibility, for no longer does the end justified by the means. I need to be my authentic, recovering self each step of the way.

Affirmation I am returning balance to my life and acting more in ways that are congruent with my values and ethics.

August 11

”Courage is the capacity to confirm what can be imagined.” Leo Rosten

An interesting way to view courage, not so much in terms of fear as we normally portray it, but in the willingness to risk doing something to make it a reality. It is about pushing the limits of our comfort and stepping into unfamiliar territory. I think this applies well to the 12 Steps; for me they are new, untested waters but I can have faith in the thousands who have gone before me and followed the program to a new way of living. While it still takes my willingness and courage to set out on my own voyage through the program, I know I am not alone and have many people willing to support me along the way. Confirmation of what can be imagined…these words strike me each time I read the Ottawa Promises; there is always at least one that resonates. As I progress in my recovery, I have seen some of them realized: hearing myself laugh again, turning loneliness into solitude, shame becoming grace. I am learning to forgive myself and others, to develop a deeper understanding of love and my sexual fantasies and obsessions have diminished. Each of these is a result of my continued faith in a Higher Power and the program to lead me in a better direction than I have led myself. I am grateful I have let go of the reins.

Affirmation I can rely on the hope and faith of others that the program will lead me to a saner life where I can be happy, free, and genuine.

August 10

”A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals.” Larry Bird

My addict’s most powerful weapon is denial. Denial that what I am doing is wrong, that it is hurting somebody, that I might get caught, that there may be some negative consequences. At the same time, it is also a denial that I need a healthy spirituality, that I am good and wholesome. In short my addiction uses denial to turn me into a mindless slave who is full of self-doubt, self-loathing, and worthlessness. My Higher Power, on the other hand, promises all the opposite. He wants me to find my gifts and talents, to exploit them to do His will and make the world a better place. He wants me to work hard, struggle, overcome obstacles and achieve my goals. I am not unique in this; my Higher Power wants all of us to embrace our individuality to make life interesting, productive and creative. The part that is left to me is to decide which side to bet on. Do I fall for the quick and easy, take care of me, myself and I, of addiction? Or do I choose the long, winding road full of treacherous obstacles that threaten to derail me at each turn? Do I deny my true nature or do I embrace it, nurture it and help it grow? Do I live in the present or let life slip past as I bury my head in the sand? Am I a winner?

Affirmation My free will is a blessing and a curse, but I can decide today which it will be. May I choose wisely.

August 9

”It is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature.” Laura Inglis Wilder

Transitioning to living on my own has presented its own challenges. Moving into a bare-bones apartment, without cable or internet, has made my weeks without my kids long and trying. Fridays and Saturdays are particularly challenging because of the extra free time without commitments. I can only schedule so much activity. What is helping me to cope is to focus on some of the basics of life. Doing laundry, washing the floors, cleaning the bathroom, all these domestic chores remind me of the need to take care, rather than neglect myself and my surroundings. They are simple yet provide a sense of satisfaction in a job well done and usually encourage me to keep focusing on recovery and outer circle behaviours and activities. So reading recovery material, working on exercises for my step study group, reaching out to a member or my sponsor, all these are more prevalent when the basic needs of living are made a priority. Getting back to the simplicity of life can ground me and help me to avoid spending too much time unproductively trying to simply fill my day.

Affirmation I need to take care of my basic needs as a building block to rebuilding a healthy routine and establishing a better sense of self.