February 4

”The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Steps 8 and 9 for me are the ones where “I put my money where my mouth is.” Up to this point, the steps have been focused on learning about and coming to accept who I truly am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In making my list of those who I have harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and making those amends wherever possible, my recover moves beyond being a personal thing. These are the steps of taking responsibility for my past actions and behaviours with those around me. My list was a long one. It was a daunting process just to note all those who I had hurt along the way as I lived my dual life. It was even more frightening to think that I would have to confront all those people to seek amends for the way I had treated them. Anyone who has been through this process can surely attest that it is not something for the weak of heart. It took a great deal of courage to admit that I had a problem to myself…admitting that to someone else in my fifth step was a bit harder, doing this to people who were very close to me that I had hurt – I thought would be impossible. I am grateful for the wording of Step Nine, especially the phrases “wherever possible” and “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Just because I become ready to make amends, doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is ready to receive them. In truth, I have found the best amends for many of those on my list has been to simple continue working my program, and ensuring I don’t repeat my damaging behaviours. That is a gift for everyone involved, including myself.

Affirmation

Forgiveness takes courage, but amends lead to freedom from my guilt and shame of the past.

February 3

”Compassion is the antitoxin of the soul: where there is compassion even the most poisonous impulses remain relatively harmless.” Eric Hoffer

I recall life in my active addiction, and that all too frequent feeling of being a passenger within my own body as if some other entity was in control. I can remember multiple occasions where I awoke from a trance-like state in the middle of acting out, without any clear recollection of how I got to where I was. I didn’t fully comprehend the grasp that those compulsive behaviours had on me, nor did I truly know how to stop them. It was not until I found the rooms of my S-group that I truly began to comprehend my situation. Certainly one of the first things I noticed was the compassion and understanding present within all those occupying the seats around the table. I was finally surrounded by others who could relate, and for the first time in a long time, I did not feel alone. It would still take a good deal of time within the confines of those rooms to free myself from the confines of my mind. Yet the support I received during meetings, in step groups, and back in the “real world” helped me along my path to resisting those toxic impulses. Even more amazing, I witnessed several times where the sharing of my own pain, and my resurfacing compassion, were of use to someone else struggling with this painful addiction. Life is truly amazing, thanks to my Higher Power.

Affirmation

There is a tremendous power in the compassion of the human spirit; I will be open to others in the program to help support me on my journey today.

February 2

”Living well is the best revenge.” George Herbert

Through my in-depth work of my 4th step, one of the patterns that emerged was that of revenge. Recognizing that as a teen I often felt rejected by my peers, by my friends, and even on occasion my parents, I sought retribution through revenge. Yet my revenge in most cases was not direct. In fact, for quite some time, my revenge only happened in my own head, in my dreams and fantasies where I found ways to get back at those by whom I had been hurt. In time, those fantasies could not stay fully confined to my thoughts, so small parts of them moved from the imaginary into possibility – planning and scheming. Eventually even that was insufficient, and some acts then became reality. Gratefully my transition was kept to activities where I was very discreet, and which were not directly targeting people, but their possessions. Yet still, as I have come to understand my motivations, the intent was there to seek some form of retaliation. In fact, in many cases I felt the effect was increased by the fact that the person would likely never know. Gladly, after a good deal of effort in putting the steps into practice, I have a new way to seek revenge for the hurts of the past and the present. The best way I can deal with the times where I feel rejected, ignored, or ridiculed is to continue working my program. By not letting those negative situations derail me, I become a testament to the power of recovery which has taken hold in my heart, my soul, and my mind.

Affirmation

My defects of character do not always have to vanish, but can sometimes be transformed into a healthier way of looking at the world and dealing with life on life’s terms.

February 1

”You can’t fix your broken thinking with your broken thinking.” Anonymous

One of my challenges in accepting that I suffered from an addiction, that I had this disease, was coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t fix myself with anything I already knew. By delving into the First Step, by admitting that my life was unmanageable and that I was out of control, I saw the many ways in which I had, unsuccessfully tried to do things my way to break the bad habits and patterns of my life. This acceptance of course helped to lead me to the second and third steps, a willingness to turn my life over to a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity. In this way, I moved towards a new way of dealing with life, of trusting in something other than my own will to live, or my addiction, so that I could find my path back to a healthy life. This is the secret of the first three steps, as I understand them. The first means accepting that my thinking, my coping mechanisms, and my reality, are broken. Step Two is the promise of hope of a different way of life if I trust and surrender my will to a safe Higher Power. And finally in the third step I take action, even if only a baby step, by becoming willing to let my Higher Power guide my life and my actions. These steps were transformative for me. With the help of my sponsor and fellow members, progressing through them began the process of turning my life away from the fantastical world of my addiction towards reality. I was able to finally begin to see the fog life from the control of my addictive thinking that had clouded my judgement and reasoning for so long. Faith in my Higher Power led me back into the light of day.

Affirmation

I will remember the basics of the program as expressed in the first three steps today, acknowledge my problem, that there is hope, and that there is a different and better way to live.