April 30

”Where the soul is full of peace and joy, outward surroundings and circumstances are of comparatively little account.” Hannah Whitall Smith

An important realization that I have had while working Steps Two and Three is that in turning my life over to my Higher Power, I also need to be open to how that power greater than myself will work through others around me. This is really why both prayer and meditation are important. Asking for help and guidance is only half the solution, the other half is being open and listening for the answer. When I live and breathe from a serene state, when I turn over those things I cannot control to my Higher Power, it is amazing how much easier it is to deal with day-to-day life. Having that inner peace is something that I strove to find in my addiction and acting out, yet all it brought me was chaos and turmoil. This new way of living is much more pleasant and rewarding, without as many negative side effects. Life is still challenging. I still face difficult choices, conflict, controversy and change. Yet I am becoming better equipped to handle life as it happens, rather than avoiding, isolating or delaying what has transpired. I am far from perfect, but each step of progress is encouraging and gives credence to the idea that working my program will restore my sanity.

Affirmation Today I will be open to the way that my Higher Power works through those around me.

April 29

”If you spend too much time warming up, you’ll miss the race. If you don’t warm up at all, you may not finish the race.” Grand Heindrich

I heard a story once about a person in recovery who was having a hard time with procrastination, especially in terms of picking up some tools of recovery. A counsellor suggested that this individual go to the local sports store, buy a “Just Do It” t-shirt and wear it every day for a week. The person was to simply look in the mirror, see the slogan, and find the stimulation to work a bit of their program. I won’t deny that it is often hard for me to stick to my routine. I am learning through my work in Step Three that my blocks to working on improving my spiritual health are the same excuses that I use when I don’t want to exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, or any of the other things that maintain and improve my physical condition. Imagining my spiritual centre or soul as a physical entity helps me to see that I need to put work into its upkeep and to strengthen it. Reading spiritual material, prayer. Meditation – all these are “exercises” to improve my spiritual “body” and are just as important as how I treat my physical body.

Affirmation I will make time to focus on my spiritual health today and look at establishing healthy activities into my daily routine.

April 28

”Nothing is worth more than this day.” Goethe

I am beginning to appreciate those times when nothing is more precious than that very moment. As I progress in my recovery I find them more often, those WOW! moments when I am simply grateful to be alive. Sometimes it is because of something I have said or done that is genuinely authentic and comes from the heart. Other times it is simply basking in the wonder of something that one of my children has done. Regardless they are all tiny miracles and reminders of the presence of my Higher Power. These are some of the things that I need to remember to show gratitude for having experienced and witnessed. They are also positive reminders of what I have lost when I was obsessed by my addiction. I like being able to refresh my memory of all the joys that I can lose should I stray too far from the path. My life gains meaning and value from each day that I spend in recovery. The fog of the past continues to clear and there is so much more of my world that I have rediscovered. My new-found awareness helps to place me in the proper perspective of my daily surroundings. I am no longer the centre of gravity, but an equally important actor in the play of Life.

Affirmation I will give thanks for those little moments when everything in the world just feels right; it’s great to be alive!

April 27

”Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” Golda Meir

In a moment of wisdom I had the thought that it is the pain of recovery that propels us through the door, but it is the promise of hope that keeps us coming back. I truly believe this principle applies to my own journey and I have witnessed it in my own experiences at meetings. I take Step One on a daily basis, and admitting that I have a problem is the catalyst for me to reach for my tools of recovery. I am hopeful that I can learn to love more deeply, laugh more fully and experience joy more purely in contrast to the depths of despair and burden of guilt and shame that I have lived through in my acting out. Yet even if I only achieve some level of balance, of positive and negative emotions in reasonable measure but not to extremes, I will certainly be content. My life is about achieving equilibrium and living in moderation. I no longer want to hide parts of who I am or how I feel. I deserve to be a whole person and to be accepted as I am. I have as much right to weep when I am sad or laugh when I am glad as the next person. I am allowed to be okay with me.

Affirmation I know that pain and hope are parts of my journey. I will recognize my feelings and allow myself to feel them today.

April 26

”Try to see the beauty in your own backyard, to notice the miracles of everyday life.” Gloria Gaither

How often have you heard someone say, “If only there were more hours in the day?” It seems that the pace of our life has sped up, rather than slowed down, with all the new technology available to help us work better and smarter. It seems common in almost all disciplines that people are asked to do more work with fewer resources. It is no wonder that we have lost sight of what is right in front of our noses. It is hard to imagine life before computers, the internet and cellular phones.  But it is really not that long ago that we still had to live off the land; that we survived based on what we ourselves could grow and provide to ourselves and families. In some cultures, like the aboriginals of North America, this situation is really not that distant at all. Here are cultures with a rich tradition of their communion with nature, their connection to Mother Earth and all living creatures. In the hustle and bustle of modern life, I often wonder if mankind was not wiser in those simpler times, and more content. How often do we take the beauty of nature, sunrises and sunsets, gazing at the stars, being amazed by the splendour of a butterfly or a flower? Nature holds more jewels than we take the time to recognize.

Affirmation I will take a moment today to reconnect with Nature. Being grounded with the Earth is as important as one of its inhabitants and caretakers.

April 25

”A series of failures may culminate in the best possible result.” Gisela Richter

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. In my daily life, I am beginning to be more open to accepting failures as learning experiences, as stepping stones in helping me understand a particular lesson. Perseverance and the willingness to keep trying are positive traits that help me to cope with everyday occurrences. I can look back at specific examples where a string of failures and mistakes eventually led to the right course of action. Most of the time I am more appreciative of the end result if there has been difficulty reaching the goal. And, more often than not, there are a number of ancillary things that I have discovered along the way. Life is all about the journey and not the destination. I can be grateful for the path that life takes me on more than the landmarks that I reach along the way. My growth comes more from adversity than from things merely happening as I expect, and the reward is usually sweeter.

Affirmation My failures help define and test my character and resolve. I will continue to try, push forward, and know that I will eventually succeed.

April 24

”You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victim without having victims.” Harriet Woods

My recovery is just that – mine. The fact that I am reaching out for help, that I am seeking new tools and ways of coping with life – all these things change only one person, me. It does not mend broken relationships or fix other people. It does not put a flashing neon sign above my head that will tell people that I am in recovery and getting better. So my recovery is really focused on that phrase from the Serenity Prayer “the courage to change the things I can.” There are days that I think my relationships, especially those with my partner and family, should be improving as rapidly as I change myself. But I need to step back and remember that it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship. If my foundation is improving, but the other person has not been making changes, then the connection between us will not change a great deal. I need to keep a realistic view of what is occurring in my relationships. All those parts of my life that are external are more likely to change on someone else’s schedule, and not according to my wants and desires. I need to be patient and content with my own progress. Everything else will come in due time.

Affirmation I need to be aware and maintain reasonable goals for the changes in my life. It’s important to remind myself that the primary purpose for my recovery is self-improvement.

April 23

”Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.” George Sand

One of the biggest changes I have seen in myself in my recovery is my renewed connection with those around me. In the midst of my active acting out I did not realize just how isolated and self-absorbed I had become. Today I am more cognisant of others that I interact with. I am acutely aware that I am not the centre of my world, and that in order to be healthy I need to have connections to other human beings. The way for me to get in touch with others is by giving of myself: by being kind and caring, empathetic and loving, respectful and compassionate. In doing selfless acts, small or large, I gain appreciation for being a member of society and the human race. As important as it is for me to focus on myself in recovery, I cannot ignore that I have to interact with others in my life. Part of my new path involves mending relationships that I have neglected, maintaining appropriate boundaries, respecting my own feelings and those of others, and seeking new and healthy relationships that support my journey of recovery.

Affirmation Today I will practice small acts of kindness to renew my connection to the world.

April 22

”A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” George Moore

I’ve tried many ways to escape my past. One of my favorites was to move, to not stay tied to one place or to get away from the bad memories. The problem is that the things I tried to escape from were within me and always seemed to get packed up and moved right along with me. Sometimes change would hide them for a while, but that box would always come out into the open, just waiting for someone to look inside. I have looked for many other ways that were external to me to make a change. A new partner, new friends, new job … all things that I figured could renew my happiness, my sense of purpose and help make me feel whole. Whole … without a hole; what I needed to find was a way to complete what was missing within. I know now that hole has to be filled from within me, by my own actions, by my acceptance of my Higher Power, and by letting go of all my anger and resentment. I cannot escape who I am or what has happened in the past. Yet I can influence what happens in my present – I can come home again.

Affirmation I will be aware of ways I try to escape today; home truly is where my heart is and I will be alright to stay with myself.

April 21

”Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” George E. Woodberry

At the height of my addiction, in the darkest period of my acting out, I did indeed feel defeated. Large parts of me were ready to throw in the towel as the only way out seemed to be to delve deeper into the depths of my despair. Today, while I do not yet relish failures, I can more readily accept them as honest efforts in trying new things and in taking chances to cope in more normal ways. And even when things do not go away, I am usually able, sometimes with help, to see the positive in the attempt and maintain a sense of hope. SAA may be based on a spiritual foundation, but what I appreciate the most is how it has renewed my sense of hope that I can live a normal life by working the program to manage my addiction, One Day at a Time. I need no more assurance than that, handling today is a good enough promise for me. With each passing day I feel further from the brink of the pit of despair from whence I came. My days are not always pointed in the right direction, but most are and each one is taking me along my path to recovery.

Affirmation It will be alright for me to fail at something today; I can look at the positive and be encouraged that I am making progress.

April 20

”The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials.” Chinese Proverb

It’s not easy facing some of the consequences of our addictive past. Whereas we used to hide from our problems and the realities of life by turning to our addiction, in recover we’re forced to meet things head-on. And I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not the most pleasant nor welcome prospect. However in recovery one of my mains goals is to deal with life on life’s terms. I need to accept the consequences of my actions, past and present. I have done a lot of damage and hurt many people through the things I have done and said, and through what I have neglected to say or do as well. I need to face each situation and potential confrontation with the attitude and belief that I am living as a better person and able to accept my responsibility. I have not been perfect in the past, nor do I expect to be in the future, but I am prepared to do my best to make things work in the present. It’s humbling to admit our faults, to own up to our mistakes and to be willing to correct our errors. Doing so with the knowledge of the support of our High Power builds us up.

Affirmation Today I will face the challenges of life with my Higher Power by my side. My best is good enough.

April 19

”Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” Chinese Proverb

I am a grateful recovering sex addict. At the beginning of my recovery I was simply me. But the first time I named myself a sex addict, I began to acknowledge my powerlessness over my addiction and to accept the unmanageability of my life. It was the beginning of my process through Step One. Eventually I felt it was time to call myself a recovering sex addict. The change was simply the fact that I was comfortable with the first step, aware of where my addiction had led me in life, and cognisant that I could never go back to that state of ignorance. I woke up each morning knowing that my focus for the day was to be in recovery. Now I am a grateful recovering sex addict. That change occurred while I was in a treatment program for codependency. I realized that while I was comfortable admitting I was a sex addict that I also hid behind that label; that somehow it justified my thoughts and actions. Coming to that realization that I am more than the sum of my parts, or in this case labels, gave me the freedom to start to be truly grateful for all the self-awareness I have gained, and continue to gain, in my journey of recovery.

Affirmation I am willing to change, but accept that many changes will happen when it’s the right time, not when I want them to.

April 18

”Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.” Charlie Chaplin

As much as I agree with Mr. Chaplin’s idea that courage is required to make a fool of yourself, I am not as convinced that failure is unimportant. On the contrary I think failure is a necessity, it’s the driving force for change. In failing we learn what didn’t work right in order to be able to make adjustments, try something new, and hopefully succeed on the next attempt. I can see in a sense that failure is unimportant such that it should never cause discouragement. Failure is the result of trying, and trying to do something means progress and often taking a risk. I believe that I grow more from the lessons where I had to fail several times than from those where I got the hang of it right away. My recovery certainly has a lot of failure associated with it, not only from the months and years of my active addiction, but also from my attempts to recreate myself as I begin to heal. Learning new tools and ways to cope with the stress and emotional reactions of a “normal” life is brand new. I am aware I am not going to always get it right. But I am willing to keep trying.

Affirmation Today I will rejoice i n my failures, count them as my blessings, and look to learn from the error of my ways.

April 17

”Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many – not upon your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” Charles Dickens

One of the most interesting things I experienced in treatment was a gratitude meeting. It’s a simple idea where everyone in a meeting takes a turn stating one thing they are grateful for. Everyone takes a turn and it keeps going for a predetermined amount of time. It’s important to give thanks for the good things in our life. The other reason such moments of gratitude are so important is that they are also a way of changing our thought patterns. Whereas our addiction feeds best on negative thinking, we need to increase our positive thinking to aid in our recovery. Giving thanks and counting our blessings is one great way to do just that. Expressing our gratitude also strengthens our relationship with our Higher Power. It increases our hope and reasons to stay sober each day. As well it will strengthen our self-esteem and help us to love ourselves as we are.

Affirmation I will take time today to be grateful for the positive in my life. I can give thanks and praise.

April 16

”You will never find time for anything. You must make it.” Charles Buxton

Excuses, excuses, the world is full of them. I can think of many reasons why not to do something. The thing is that the easier, softer way usually leads me to where I don’t want to go. Back into my middle and inner circle behaviours, to places where I hide and isolate and ignore my tools of recovery. I can make the decision every morning to wear my tool belt of recovery, but I still need to consciously pick up a tool when I need it, whether its journaling, prayer, meditation, reaching out for help, whatever it may be. If I do not find good things to fill my time, if I do not practice my outer circle behaviours, my addict is all too ready and willing to fill it in for me. My challenge is to make time for the things that support my recovery, with at least as much vigour as I was willing to devote to supporting my compulsive sexual behaviour. In active addiction I could always find the time to get my “fix”, I can certainly spend at least some of the energy to fuel my healing.

Affirmation I will use my time wisely. I have the power to do productive things today for my recovery.

April 15

”Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Buddha

As addicts our tendency in life has been to take, to take whatever was needed to be able to satisfy our addiction. Therefore it is very natural that during our early recovery that we approach the program with the same attitude, taking everything from everyone, looking for all the golden nuggets so we can magically recover. With time we come to realize that true growth in recovery comes not from taking but in giving. In sharing our experience, strength and hope we gain tenfold what has been handed out. Sharing what we’ve learned, where we have struggled, how we’ve increased our own awareness about our middle and inner circle behaviours, not only reinforces our own progress, but promotes recovery in our peers. We’ll be amazed by the gratitude we receive from people when we least expect it.

Affirmation Sharing my recovery today will help me in my own journey and hopefully many others along the way.

April 14

”If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” Bernard Baruch

There is something to be said for the usefulness of a treatment centre. Attending a program for chemical dependency or codependency can be a boon even for a sex addict. It’s comforting to be able to learn from such a place that an addict is an addict is an addict, no matter their drug of choice. It’s also where one can learn new tools for coping with life. As one of my children put it, its parent school, or maybe more generically adult school. Underlying problems of resentment, unresolved feelings and emotions, guilt and shame affect all addicts. These buried parts of ourselves are what draw us back into addictive thinking. Learning to love ourselves, trusting in our Higher Power, and to be open, honest and willing to change are all skills we need to learn to continue our journey of recovery. Without new tools in our tool belt to face the challenges of daily life, why wouldn’t we continue to do things we’ve always done? Therein lays the insanity of addiction. But there is help for us and we can ask our Higher Power for the courage to seek it out.

Affirmation I will explore the place I can get help, even a treatment centre. I acknowledge I need some new tools to cope with the challenges of daily life.

April 13

”Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.” Arabic Parable

Many of us will be the first to admit that we are our own worst critic. We have become experts in determining our own defects of character, lapses of judgement and mistakes. Yet we struggle to recognize, let alone express gratitude, for all the good in our life, our talents and achievements. There are many tools for us to use to improve our positive thinking: daily meditation and prayer, using affirmations spoken in front of the mirror, reading daily reflections, developing a personal mantra. We need to teach ourselves that it is more than okay to like ourselves, to allow ourselves to receive self-love as for many it is something we have lacked since childhood. In taking care of ourselves we continue in our recovery and develop those traits that we can give freely to those who need them. We will grow spiritually as our love and ability to forgive ourselves and others improves.

Affirmation I will look for the positive in what I say and do today. It is okay for me to accept a well-deserved pat on the back, even if it has to be me who gives it.

April 12

”The brook would lose its song if we removed the rocks.” Anonymous

I used to think that removing my faults, getting rid of old bad feelings and hurt would upset the balance of who I am. I am learning today that this is not the case; in accepting my past I am not condoning the bad things that I have experienced. Rather I am transferring the negative feelings back to the person they belong to, and allowing my Higher Power to deal with the situation and consequences rather than giving away control over myself. The song in the brook is never constant. The flow of water is faster in the spring and dwindles during the heat of summer. Many external influences outside its control will change the shape and the texture of the music. Yet all things are simply accepted and the brook maintains a harmony that can still be enjoyed and cherished. So to with myself, I need to accept these things I cannot change. Yet doing so does not diminish my ability to maintain harmony and serenity.

Affirmation Today I can let go of the past, accept things for the way they are and still rejoice in the strength of my song.

April 11

”If we celebrate the years behind us they become stepping stones of strength and joy for the years ahead.” Anonymous

One powerful tool of recovery is to share our life story. This may be accomplished through a Step One, or may be something that is done simply with a fellow member or our sponsor. It can be done as a written history that is read out loud or it can be recounted ad lib. Regardless, sharing our past can be beneficial in letting go of the power of the past that we’ve given too much control. Dwelling on what has been taken away from our ability to focus on the future. In letting go of the past and only using it to learn how to live better for today we will be able to forge a tomorrow. We can find the good times to bolster our attitude when needed and share our experience with other like us who still suffer. We will free ourselves of old guilt, shame and fear to be able to courageously move forward in recovery.

Affirmation My past is gone but what I have learned can help me face the challenges of today.

April 10

”Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.” Anonymous

SAA is a program and fellowship of hope. The 12 Steps give us hope that there is another way to live our lives; a way that does not leave us under the control of our addiction. In our fellowship we find hope knowing we are not alone, that others have and are experiencing the same struggles, and even more promising, that some have surmounted them. We learn that surrender is not failing but the only way to move forward. We are not in control, not the master of our destiny, but it does not mean we are puppets either. By living in the meaning of the Serenity Prayer we practice working on those things we can control, namely ourselves, our thoughts, attitude, behaviour and actions. In time we gain confidence in ourselves and are able to share our hope, experience, strength and tolls we’ve learned with our new found brothers and sisters in recovery. We become part of the circle of recovery, spreading our ever increasing hope and belief of our Higher Power with others who suffer.

Affirmation I will rejoice in the hope that SAA has brought into my life and recovery.

April 9

”We hear voices in solitude that we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts that we get under no other condition.” Amelia Barr

Meditation is part of Step 11 and in many ways it is our chance to take time to listen to our Higher Power. It is really important that we take moments every day to slow down, to sit with our own thoughts, allow ourselves to experience the emotions we are feeling and clear our minds. Many of us fear being alone in our own heads with our thoughts and fantasies. What we may find frightens us and we don’t think we have the courage to face what we come across within the recesses of our mind. We know from past experience that we have prayed for things to stop, for our life to change yet if we never pause to listen and look for the signs and direction that are given to us, we will struggle to find the path to follow. We all too often turn to distractions so that we do not need to face our thoughts and feelings. We can always find something else to do. The difficulty is to look within and accept what we discover and just let it be.

Affirmation I need to take the time today to let the messages of my Higher Power into my life.

April 8

”Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

Fear is a natural instinct; its role is there to help us distinguish things that are good for our survival from those that threaten it. It’s an automated response and determination that happens before we have the chance to think and evaluate a situation without any coherent reasoning. Yet our brain has not evolved in this process are we are very rarely in situations of immediate danger when our fear reflex responds. We need to be able to adjust to the initial shock, the fight, flight or freeze response, and allow the moment to pass then determine the real level of danger and threat in what is happening around us. This is not to say the reflex does not have some merit, there are certainly occasions where our life may be in imminent danger. But our fear reflex in most day-to-day confrontations is merely a reflection of our ego and basic needs and desires being threatened. We often put more emphasis on our fear response than the situation demands.

Affirmation Today I will be aware of the times I feel afraid and give myself time to evaluate why I feel threatened. I will react with an appropriate response and not one based on fear.

April 7

”We are part of the whole which we call the universe, but it is an optical delusion of our mind that we think we are separate. This separateness is like a prison for us. Our job is to widen our circle of compassion so we feel connected to all people and all situations.” Albert Einstein

Most of us thought we were alone, that no one could comprehend how we felt, what it was like to lose control, how we despaired to find a way out of our addiction. We are usually amazed to discover others like us in our groups and meetings. How often do we see so much of our own lives and struggles in the sharing of others? And even stranger how often has someone else told us how much they have related to our own story? It is encouraging to know we are not unique in our situation. It is important to feel we belong. The family atmosphere that is created in most groups; the care, encouragement and understanding that develops further supports us in our recovery.

Affirmation Today I will listen to other addicts or share my own experience, strength and hope and know I have found a place where I belong.

April 6

”The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” Albert Einstein

With a little sobriety under our belts, most of us can easily admit that we are thinking clearer than usual. We can see that we have insight and understanding into our own situation, our past behaviours and actions, if we are honest as we work through the steps. This can be scary, confusing and make us uneasy; we are not used to trusting our own judgement and reasoning after so much time living in active addiction. If we can take the sober look into ourselves we can find the truer feelings that are at the core of our troubled selves. The hurt and resentments of our past, as far back as childhood, that have never truly been resolved as we were either never allowed to feel or taught how to do so. Our ability to Let Go and Let God will free us from these dark secrets. We can begin to move out of focusing on our problems and into working towards our solution, which the 12 Steps are an integral part.

Affirmation Today I will rejoice in my sobriety and trust my feelings and instincts as I work my program of recovery.