April 30

”Whether you're keeping a journal or writing as a meditation, it's the same thing. What's important is you're having a relationship with your mind.” Natalie Goldberg

One of the goals of my recovery is to become more honest with myself. In writing as much as I do, I have had to stare black and white at my own thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to ignore my own words when they come back at me. This has been most apparent in these meditations which I reread from time to time. This is more to this than just a relationship with my mind. I can also see the presence and influence of my Higher Power in the words that fill the pages. I often start with a random quote, not knowing where I intend to go with my thoughts. It often amazes me to see the final result of my ponderings put to paper. The biggest difference I notice since beginning to write is that my recovery has become more real. It takes putting my thoughts outside of myself in some fashion, sharing them aloud or scribbled in a journal, to make them concrete and tangible. It is another level of commitment as I continue down my road of recovery.

Affirmation I write, therefore I am in recovery. Concretising my thoughts steels my will and keeps me connected to my Higher Power.

April 28

”Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” Graham Greene

I recall a member sharing the idea from their therapist who said that someone in recovery needs to journal to make any real progress. Having written so many of these meditations, which are my own journal, I know that in my case this is certainly true. This is one of my gifts, and it is also one of the ways that I connect with my Higher Power and open myself to His will. Having stepped back from writing for a couple months, I am once again learning to appreciate how much those 10-15 minutes each day mean in grounding me and providing me with insight into my own life and recovery. So the trick here is for me to not ignore those things I do that support my recovery, that improve my conscious contact with God, but also to try not to overdo them so they become burdensome or something that feels more like an obligation. There is a balance to be sought among all the other things I am doing to live my new life.

Affirmation Ignoring tools that work for me detracts from my ability to progress in recovery. I need to keep using what works, especially if it strengthens my connection with God.

April 27

” A promise is a cloud; fulfillment is rain.” Arabian Proverb

Days like today my life seems to be filled with nothing but clouds, all these hopes and dreams to be realized that are just out of reach, taunting and teasing me when all I want is just a few of them to come true, for it to rain. A cloud is a difficult thing to capture, to ensnare, or to tame. It has a form yet is somewhat intangible at the same time. Rain I can feel, taste, measure, experience and even save. A cloud is fleeting, only there for a short while. My life needs fulfillment. Part of what I still struggle with is chasing the clouds that are part of the life my Higher Power wants me to follow. I don’t always do so well in distinguishing the His clouds from the ones that contain my more selfish desires and wants. This is when I need to slow down and seek guidance through prayer and meditation, talking with those like my sponsor who know me well and have been there before, to find the direction so I spend my energy on the right promises. At the least, I need to remember to be thankful that there are a multitude of clouds in my sky today. It is much more pleasant than the raging storm that dominated for too many of my years as I lived under the reign of my addiction. I know there is a good life waiting for me, good things that will come, and that my patience and perseverance in doing the right things will bear fruit in time.

Affirmation When all seems to be passing me by I need to quiet my soul and open my thoughts to hearing the guidance of my Higher Power.

April 26

” Time goes by so fast, people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.” Anonymous

I came to a realization recently that I was finding lots of ways to simply fill time. And most of the ways that I was doing it was not productive, useful, or supportive of my recovery. Spending time on the computer, in front of the tv, texting on my phone, or whatever else only succeeds in distracting me from the present. I don’t always need to be doing something, but all these time wasters have one thing in common – keeping me from living the life my Higher Power has set before me. I have a couple choices, to spend my precious moments doing things that support my recovery and the new life I want to live, or sometimes to stop and do nothing and seek the guidance and answer from my Higher Power. Putting into action his plans, or praying and meditating for direction are much better options than simple trying to pass the hours of my life in meaningless gestures. Life moves too quickly, and before I know it I too will shuffle off this mortal coil. The best gift I can offer to those around me is the time and influence I have had in their lives, the experience that I have shared with them, and the love I have shown. Facebook, Twitter or any other modern technology won’t replace genuine time with the people who really matter in my life.

Affirmation I will consciously use the time granted by my Higher Power to do His will, to follow His way, and to spend the time with those who He also allowed to grace my life.

April 17

”We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.” George Bernard Shaw

The program teaches that we need to be rigorously honest with ourselves. This is a challenging endeavour in a society that seems to live more under the opinion of trying to get away with as much as possible. The idea that we can drive 10-20% over the speed limit and not get a ticket, that we can download pirated music and movies for free, that we can rush to an ATM that is giving out double the request amount in error, all these small ways show how society chooses to ignore honesty as the best policy. Yet as a recovering addict, I can no longer afford the luxury of being deceitful, even in the smallest of occasions. I have spent too many moments of my life inventing ways to cover up all the things that were destroying my life. If I am truly taking the program and the 12 Steps to heart, it also implies taking a look at the 10 commandments, and even older guiding principle on how to live one's live. Religion aside, those 10 phrases require a lot of honesty to maintain, and are centered on the good of others before one's selfish interests. Maybe the world would be a better place if more of us were in a 12-Step fellowship and we could go back to living simpler and more connected lives. I certainly know that I am grateful to be in those rooms with my second lease on life, and a greater understanding of what living truly means. The truth has set me free and I expect it to continue to do so as I progress along my path.

Affirmation I will be honest with myself today, even if it goes against the norms of those around me. It is my own morals, values, and sobriety that are at stake if I short-change myself.