May 31

”Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” Ann Landers

I surprised myself recently and attended a Christian rock concert, not something I thought I would do as an adult. However, it was a powerful experience, and one of the songs that I still have playing in the back of my head is about forgiveness. The artist at the concert even took the time to challenge everyone to think of who they could turn to after leaving to call and ask forgiveness of, or better yet, who they could forgive. It was not hard for me to find a few people in both those categories. My views of forgiveness are shifting as I work my program of recovery. I am learning that it is about taking back my power, about freeing me from self-imposed chains, and not at all about condoning or accepting the actions of others. My addict was the first person I have needed to give an eviction notice to, having over-stayed their welcome rent-free in my head. That is part of forgiving myself. In forgiving others, I am clearing out more rooms, space that I can use instead to be filled with my Higher Power, and a better spiritual force that will sustain me. I will fill those places with things that love and cherish me .

Affirmation Like all places, even my head needs the occasional spring cleaning. Forgiveness allows me to throw away baggage I have been carrying and makes room for better things.

May 22

”Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” Richard L. Evans

Certainly one of the areas where I need to make amends is to my children. They have been victims as much as anyone else in the aftermath of my acting out. None of it was directed at them, but they suffer the consequences nonetheless. Many of my decisions have had repercussions that they will only understand later in life, yet must live through now. Separation of their parents, moving, loss of friends, these are but a few of the things that they have had to deal with because of my behaviours. I am so very grateful to be in recovery to have an opportunity to make things different. I now have the chance to be a better role model, to help break any bad habits or other behaviours that could lead my own children into addiction or some sort of dependency that I can pass on what I am learning through the steps to them much earlier. I know I shall not protect them from all harm, but hope that I can at least help build better defenses, and be more aware of danger signs than those who were closest to me in my youth. Most of all, I can simply spend all the time I have to cherish and love them, to help them grow and guide them into being the wonderful people I know they will become. This is such a gift that my Higher Power has offered me and I am truly thankful for it.

Affirmation I will not squander my second chance to leave a better legacy for my children, to raise them and help them overcome the damage I have caused.

May 21

”There’s only one corner of the universe that you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” Aldous Huxley

Certain times of the year are ripe opportunities for reflection. Birthdays, major holidays, and other such anniversaries can be occasions to take a longer look back at where I have been, where I am now, and even where I am headed. It`s good medicine for me to recall how much progress I have made since choosing the path of recovery. It is equally important to temper this by reviewing my circles and looking at where I want to go. My life certainly looks different and a whole lot brighter, than it was a couple years ago. I certainly could not have seen then where I have made it to today, nor all that I have been through along the way. And all this gives me great hope that there are many more wondrous things awaiting me down the road that right now I am completely ignorant about. This prescription of turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power of my understanding started with a shaky foundation. Yet it has proven time and time again to be the better path, and continues to lead me in a direction of happiness and fulfillment, without my addiction taking charge of my life. My new self-care in working the steps is bringing me towards the person I always knew I could be.

Affirmation I will continue to put my trust in my Higher Power to lead me to the right choice, the right path, and doing His will.

May 17

”Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Anonymous

One of the biggest shifts in working and living my program is the fact that I am trying to be in the moment. Not in the past, not in what happened an hour ago, a year ago or a decade ago. Nor in the future, what might happen later today, on the weekend or a month from now. The most important thing is right here, right now, this very instant. Worry is a thief. It steals my energy, my concentration, but more importantly it takes away the present. It will certainly fill my time, and make me consider a number of things that will pre-occupy me, but it does not lead me to action. Worry is a master of inaction, very similar in that respect to fear. Fear is conquered by courage. Worry is conquered by surrender and faith. By the belief that my Higher Power is holding me in His hands, that He knows what is best for me and will lead me along the right path if I trust and follow His direction. My task is to continue doing the right things, to work my program, follow the steps, reach out, pray and meditate. The rest will happen as He has designed.

Affirmation I will be wary when my thoughts turn to worry and take me away from the present moment. I will keep surrendering myself to the will of God.

May 11

”The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

How much does that resemble me as a recovering addict, like many of the brothers and sisters that I have met? To have fallen into my own pit of despair and arisen anew, having reconnected to my Higher Power and my soul, I have indeed uncovered my own beauty. And how beautiful and strong do I find those like me who have overcome such terrible pasts to find a second lease on life. Struggle, strife and hardship seem to be trials that push us to our limits and when we come out the other side we are better people for having made the journey. I am extremely grateful to have the aid of the 12 Steps to guide me along this new road. They have helped to clarify the path I need to take, and provided tools to help guarantee my success to continued sobriety. My rebirth is a gift I am thankful for each and every day. I feel a responsibility to share my story, my strength, and hope with others that they may too find their way from their own tarnished past into the present. The program is a set of principles, a fellowship, and even a family all rolled into one. I know my Higher Power’s will is for me to help others find their way back into the light.

Affirmation I am learning to find the positive in the struggles of the past, the strength to overcome, and the power that sharing my experience can have in helping others like me.

May 8

”If you can learn to laugh in spite of the circumstances that surround you, you will enrich others, enrich yourself, and more than that, you will last.” Barbara Johnson

Laughter is part of the healing process. Life is too short to take everything so seriously. I need to remind myself that I am allowed to enjoy the world around me. Laughter is also a way to diffuse my grandiose thinking and bring me back to reality. Sure, I can chose to keep it all in, bury all the emotions, good and bad, within me. And I can well imagine the person I would become over the years, hunched over, grouchy, alone, critical, moody, and simply not much fun to be around. It would be a way to endure, but I am not sure what the quality of life would be. Rather I want to lead a life where I can express my feelings, be in touch with nature, make connections and develop relationships. Working my program is part of a path of enriching my own life rather than depleting it. And in following he steps I am gaining a new capacity to share and thus enrich the lives of others. Laughter is just one of those aspects that is returning to its rightful place in my myriad of positive behaviours and actions.

Affirmation I can laugh, for a good reason or none at all. Laughter is medicine to help with my affliction as much as any other tool of recovery.

May 7

”Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate.” J.R.R Tolkien

Life is full of surprises. As I am discovering, the more open I am to allowing my Higher Power guide my life, the more likely the unexpected seems to happen. It’s funny how this letting go tends to allow things to work out alright in the end, and often better than what I had imagined. For example, I was planning a trip recently and expecting a bonus to arrive to help pay for the travel costs. I had everything prepared, but my bonus was delayed. When it eventually arrived and I went to make my reservation, the prices had dropped, so I saved money in the process of things taking the time needed. Working on His time and not my own really can pay dividends! Having the patience in situations like this is not always evident. It’s easy for me to want to get my own way, when I want (usually NOW!) Letting things unfold as my Higher Power has foreseen takes a good deal of faith, and even courage. It is still unnatural to not take control and make things happen. Yet the rewards continue to provide proof that this trust is well-placed. The new roads and secret gates placed before me are mine for the taking, by not seeking them out but by allowing myself to discover them as my Higher Power presents the opportunities. I will continue to seek His will, his path for me and follow the signs to all the good things that are part of His plans.

Affirmation In letting God work His plan for me, there are many great rewards if I am patient to let things unfold in their own time and way.

May 1

”The sun does not shine for a few trees and flowers, but for the wide world's joy.” William Ward Beecher

Ah, once again spring is in the air. I never get tired of living in a country where nature comes back to life after a long, cold winter. The rejuvenation that takes place all around is refreshing to the soul. It is a chance for a yearly rebirth and boost of renewed energy. Yet spring also holds dangers. As the weather warms up, the layers of clothes tend to get fewer and thinner. It is certainly a more challenging time for wandering eyes. I have learned a few could tricks to help out, like having to find someone as the same sex to look at if I find myself looking to long at someone of the opposite sex. To ensure that I look at the whole person, especially their face and eyes, rather than obsessing about a certain aspect. I need to recall that these are real people, not objects of my fantasy. The return of the warmth of the sun brings joy to my heart. Basking in the day’s glow reminds be to be happy and grateful to enjoy the world around me. It gives me more reason to get out of the house and walk, cycle or whatever to spend time in the great outdoors. I also feel more connected to my Higher Power when I can see, touch, taste and smell the wonders He’s put here for us to enjoy.

Affirmation I come alive like the tulip rising in the spring. Rebirth is a part of the cycle of life and I am glad for the renewal.