March 26

”People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wicked when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down” The Doors

The word “isolation” in French translates to “insulation” in English. I’ve had some fresh reminders of what I am like when I isolate, and I see a resemblance to the insulation that is provided by my addiction. Insulation does two things, it keeps things in on one side, and out on the other. The insulation of my addiction keeps my feelings inside myself, not able to be released, and it keeps others from me by steering me to isolate and keep to myself. There are still many old habits that can innocently sneak up on me to send me back down the path of my middle and inner circles. Simply having a few more drinks than normal, watching too much TV, resisting going to sleep at a good hour, or other such activities can weaken resolve. Often for me, these are coupled by a lack of good outer circle behaviours like getting to a meeting, reaching out, journaling, prayer and meditation. This combination of less desirable actions with less attention to working my program can easily lead to a slippery slope. I’m recognizing that this sets my up to a state where I do feel like I am insulated, where a barrier is up in front of my emotional centre and where I am less enthusiastic about staying connected to others. This needs to be a warning to me that I am not in a good space. The insulation has a cost, and I no longer need or deserve to fulfill the desires of my addiction, I am worth more than that.

Affirmation When life gets a little too comfortable, when I don’t feel like making a true effort, I need to stop and evaluate where I am and make sure I am safe.

August 18

”And if we are to be any better, now is the time to begin.” Lord Alfred Tennyson

My recovery can wait. I can go to the next meeting. I can call someone, tomorrow. I can read the green book, later. These are all choices that I can make. There are consequences to postponing working my program though. My addiction is ever-present and has no qualms about filling time that I decide not to use more constructively. Before I know it I can lose an hour, or two, or the better part of a day succumbing to my obsessive and compulsive behaviours. As I gain sobriety I am learning to be aware of this pattern. When I start putting things off, not only recovery work, but day-to-day tasks, it is easy for me to look back in retrospect at how easily my addictive side slides into place to direct my actions. This slippery slope can be avoided by saying to me, “Well I don’t really feel like doing X right now, but the alternative is to open myself up to middle or inner circle behaviours.” Being consciously aware of the consequence of inaction is usually enough motivation to push me to do whatever it is that I was procrastinating about getting done. The time for action is right now and it will keep me grounded in the present.

Affirmation I will be wary of being pulled towards inaction; it can be a warning sign that my addictive behaviour is taking control.