March 31

”No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently.” Agnes de Mille

Many of us act the way we do in order to attract the attention and approval of those around us; validation that we matter. In coming to look at ourselves we begin to realize that we need to learn to love ourselves, that we are able to look in the mirror and be content with the person staring back at us. Our cries for attention will never truly satisfy our needs of love, affection and recognition if we cannot find the same qualities within ourselves. At some point we have to learn that only our own perception of ourselves is the one that matters the most. In turning our energies to make ourselves whole and healthy we will be presenting our true selves to the world around us. If we surround ourselves with good people who can support us yet be frank and honest, we will receive good feedback that we can evaluate and use to adjust our attitudes and behaviours if it’s necessary for us to do so. We will take satisfaction not so much for a job well done, but for following the simple principles of the program and being open to the will of our Higher Power.

Affirmation I will be content with who I am today and not seek approval and attention from those around me. I am worthwhile.

March 30

”Even in you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.” Victor Kiam

Humility is the virtue of knowing that we can and will make mistakes. It’s admitting we are not perfect. Being humble does not mean we are not worthy of love, respect or caring. It simply means that we have much to learn. The thing about learning is that we do not know all the answers. It means we can say or do the wrong thing. The importance is that we keep learning from what we have done wrong, make adjustments, and move forward. When we fall, we need to stand up, brush ourselves off and keep going. It’s important to remember that even if falling, we’ve moved on from where we were just standing. We need to remain open and teachable. Some of that means being willing to set aside our preconceptions and accepting new ideas and ways of thinking. We can admit that we need to listen and profit from the experience and knowledge of others if we want to change and grow.

Affirmation I am open to learning, prepared to make mistakes and willing to make discoveries.

March 29

”Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” Denis Waitley

There may come a powerful moment in your recovery where you can look at your past with a new set of eyes. In reflection you may discover the ability to filter out the double life of your addict and focus in on the real person that was struggling through life. Getting to this point in recovery can help you see the true underlying issues that the addiction has kept under wraps for all these years. There comes a time for many addicts where they need to grieve the loss of their addiction to fully relinquish control. This may happen as a letter, full of feelings towards letting go in order to free oneself to move forward. We can gain great power in our lives by going through a formal farewell and letting ourselves be part of the natural process of losing a part of who we are.

Affirmation I can accept that some moments in recovery will be powerful and life changing.  I am ready move on and continue to change.

March 28

”I find that it is not the circumstances in which we are placed, but the spirit in which we face them, that constitutes our comfort.” Elizabeth T. King

Temptation is something I still struggle with on a daily basis. I am constantly faced with situations that can feed my addiction or that will test my resolve. Most of the time I can recognize the pull and let it go, or say the Serenity Prayer or just remember to breathe and let the moment pass. But other times I dip in my toes to test the water, and even occasionally have to pull back after realizing that I have waded in waist deep. My spiritual health plays a big role in how easily I can resist the urge of my addictive triggers. When I am consistent in my prayer and meditation, when I turn my will over to my Higher Power on a daily basis and practice my affirmations, my ability to more easily turn away from temptation is strengthened. My serenity aids me in seeing those desires for the empty promises that they truly are and to consider the consequences of me being lured along that seductive avenue. The disease is truly powerful, cunning and baffling and seems to rear its ugly head when I least expect it. My recovery forces me to be ever-vigilant and to maintain my a healthy spiritual self.

Affirmation Today I choose to be in recovery and empower myself by working on my spiritual health.

March 27

”Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

One of my biggest challenges in life has been dealing with conflict, or at least what I feel is a potential conflict. I am learning as I continue to take my personal inventory that it is not so much conflict I fear as it is being rejected because I shared my feelings. The conflict, as I am beginning to understand it, is mostly within my own head. It stems from my reluctance to tell others how I am really feeling, how a given situation is affecting me and my emotional health. I am learning to put into practice new tools. One that really helps me in this domain is a way to give feedback. It’s about me taking the risk of letting others know how their behaviour affects me. It is really an outlet for me to share my own feelings in such a way as to not put the other person on the defensive and create controversy. Using this tactic goes a long way in helping me to reduce my anxiety about potentially confrontational situations. The little bit of courage I need to take this step goes far in helping me maintain my serenity and balance.

Affirmation I will continue to take my own inventory, check my pulse, and keep focus on those things that still bother me so I can work on them and continue to cope with life on life’s terms.

March 26

”You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward.” Conrad Hall

I was told once that in order to change, I must be in a position of discomfort. And not simply physical discomfort, but a deeper sense of difficulty that comes from my emotional centre. It’s when we are in this place that we are open to change. Humans by their nature are creatures of habit, good or bad as that habit may be in helping them live their life. Change is all around us, yet it makes most of us uncomfortable. It challenges what we know, who we are and how we feel. Our recovery process is all about change. It’s some of the most challenging and frightening change we’re likely ever to face as we are dealing with the core of our being, our emotional and spiritual centres. We need to write, talk, share, pray and forgive to let go of the shame and guilt we’re carrying. The process may be that simple but it is not easy, emotionally or spiritually, mainly because these are the parts of ourselves that we have ignored. But every crack we make in the walls around our feelings that we’ve carried with us all these years.

Affirmation I am open and teachable; ready to face my feelings and work to release them to allow me to move forward in my recovery.

March 25

”Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing that separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link.” Simone Weil

We all have our own defense systems. Normally we have gradually built a wall, over the years, to protect ourselves and so we can survive the barrage of things that hurt us. Our wall may be in the attitudes and behaviours we keep, the situations we engage in or avoid, the fact that we become very angry outwardly or suffer in solitude. Our walls often protect us from our shortcomings, feelings we have buried and refused to face and come to terms with. These can be based on anger, resentment, fear, hurt, loneliness, self-pity, jealousy, pride, envy or any number of other emotions. But if we can have the courage to share these through working Steps 7 and 8, by journaling, writing letters about our feelings, sharing with our sponsor or by some other means, we can begin to remove bricks from our walls and become more open to our Higher Power and others.

Affirmation My wall of defenses has served a useful purpose but I can examine it to remove things from the past that I need to let go.

March 24

”Nothing hath separated us from God but our own will, or rather our own will is our separation from God.” William Lau

In looking at our past, at our compulsive behaviours and how it controlled our lives, we usually discover that we have put effort into a power greater than ourselves – our addiction. In doing so, we’ve likely stopped most of the activities that help us stay connected to our Higher Power, be it God, Mother Nature, the Universe…most of our energy has gone into feeding our addiction. Not only have we lost our connection to our spiritual centre, we have likely lost many of our favourite activities and friends due to the all-consuming nature of our addictive behaviour. This is why finding things to put into our outer circle is so important; we need to find ways to re-establish a healthy and complete life. Working the 12 Steps will help us to release the old ways of living and free us to restart doing the things that gives us our connection to our Higher Power. We can make the conscious decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a power greater than ourselves and trust that this will lead us back to sanity.

Affirmation I will give today over to my Higher Power and let His will guide my actions.

March 23

”You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt

During part of my early recovery I moved out of the house into an apartment. After a decade of being with my family on a daily basis it was challenging living on my own. Living with other neighbours in close proximity presented some of its own challenges, especially hearing certain activities through thin walls. It’s times like those when I need help from my Higher Power and my friends in recovery. The Serenity Prayer comes more naturally as an internal response when I am faced with a difficult situation. I need the serenity to choose outer circle behaviours. As another member described it, it is the same distance from my middle circle behaviours to my inner circle as it is to my outer circle. I am thankful every day for my sobriety and the many normal things I experience, but most especially my new ability to feel. I am learning that my feelings will not overwhelm me if I find the courage and strength to face them and let them be experienced. I can feel sad, lonely, angry, hurt, depressed and be normal. I will come out on the other side and still be okay.

Affirmation Life will still put challenges in my way, but if I use the tools of the program and have faith in my Higher Power, I know I will be able to survive them with my sobriety intact.

March 22

”Sorrows come to stretch out spaces in the heart for joy.” Edwin Markham

I am coming to terms with being able to appreciate, at least to some to degree, being grateful for the pain I have caused myself through my addiction.  As I progress in recovery I am gradually regaining the ability to enjoy many of the small wonders of life, a walk in the woods, play time with my children, a good movie, a nice dinner at home…all the things that I had lost sight of while in my active and compulsive addiction. Since I have started recovering from my addiction, I am becoming more aware of the size of the hole in my life that remains to be filled. I am pretty certain that my addiction not only covered up the void within me with its temporary fixes and empty promises, but was also eroding the edges to increase its size. I guess the good news in that is that there is now more room for me to put good things into, all the real benefits I get from focusing on my recovery and my outer circle behaviours.

Affirmation I choose to find the positive in the pain and suffering that my past behaviour has caused. I will rejoice in all the small real things I can do in recovery.

March 21

”And ever has it be known that love knows   not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Khalil Gibran

There are many consequences that we have to face as a result of our behaviour. If we are in a relationship there is a likely chance that we have strained our interaction, whether or not the entire truth of our secret has come into the open. Regardless, many are faced with the decision to separate from their partner, at least temporarily to take stock of the situation, focus on recovery and remove ourselves from some of the day-to-day stresses. This is a personal decision; some members have been able to remain in their relationship and work their own recovery while simultaneously improving the couple. Some have had a temporary separation to at least put some physical distance between them, while for others a permanent separation was the only option for at least one of the parties involved. These are unfortunate but real results of our past actions and behaviours. It is important to remember that we need to put our recovery first. If we do not remain sober, continually surrendering to our Higher Power, there is little hope in repairing the damage to any of our relationships.

Affirmation I must be willing to follow whatever path is best for my own recovery, even if it means separation. I need to trust in my Higher Power.

March 20

”Freedom is another word for having nothing else to lose.” Clint Eastwood

Many of us have hit bottom in our addiction. The point where we could no longer tolerate what we had become, how we were living. For many there seemed to be no reason to continue, no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet for some reason or another, our Higher Power intervened to show us the way into the program and recovery. It may have been a friend, a family member, doctor or therapist, or some advertisement or media that connected with us when we needed it the most. We latched on hoping against all hope to be pulled out of our pit of despair. In our recovery, we’re learning we can earn our freedom. In working the steps of the program we are both letting go of our past and giving our future over to that power greater than ourselves. In doing so we are liberating ourselves to follow the path that will be laid before us as long as we continue to surrender our will and remain open to the guidance of our Higher Power.

Affirmation I can rise up from the lowest point of my life to find my way back to seek the summit.

March 19

”Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” Henry David Thoreau

Life is full of choices, and we can struggle as easily with the simple ones as we can with the hard ones. Early in  our recovery when we question the motivation behind everything we do we may feel overwhelmed and pushed to do nothing lest it lead us in the direction of our addictive behaviour. It can be challenging to do the little things like deciding what to wear or what to eat. We need to make these tiny leaps of faith in ourselves and our instinct to keep moving forward. Staying still is not an option if we want to recover. Facing these smaller challenges gradually rekindles our confidence in our ability to take action. Making healthy and conscious decisions helps build momentum as we work towards establishing a more normal routine of living. All the small success will help us find the courage to act when presented with more difficult choices. We will continue to advance into action and active living.

Affirmation I will make the small choices today and rebuild my confidence in myself, one decision at a time.

March 18

”To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting” e e cummings

Who am I? I’ve asked myself that question many times, both in my active addiction and in recovery. Usually my answer involves the roles I have in my life, in my family, at work and in the community. But none of these really get to the root of who I am, they are more reflections of how I am perceived by specific groups of people. To honestly answer the question I have to look internally. What is at the core of my being, my likes, dislikes, strengths, faults, morals, values and beliefs. This sounds an awful lot like Step 4, taking a personal inventory. This is not something I have ever really put much thought into until creating my inventory. For most of my life I’ve been content with the idea that I know at a superficial level who I am, which was based more on how I projected myself rather than the reflection of my true inner self. Being in recovery and giving up my double life means being honest with myself and trying to live as the person I see in the mirror as opposed to what I think is expected of me. At the end of the day, I know the opinion of myself that matters most is my own.

Affirmation I will be authentic and genuine today. I will be aware of the ways I behave that are incongruent and unnatural.

March 17

”To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.” Donald A. Adams

To me there has always been a discernible difference between someone who is offering quality service and someone who is simply selling something. The former has a genuine desire to see the customer satisfied with what they leave with, whereas the latter only cares about themselves and normally their paycheck. SAA, like all other 12 Step programs, certainly falls into my conception of service. Our fellowship is concerned with the people involved; the focus of our meetings is helping the addict who still suffers. In fact, our service model is well-defined in the 12 Traditions. Yet this model is not only useful for the organization of our groups and our fellowship. As one member pointed out to me, many of them can be applied in managing our own lives. Those of us who take on roles in our groups, or even beyond, give back in gratitude for some of what we have gained in the program. My own service has come from a desire to keep the group going so that many others like myself have the opportunity to benefit from the principles and practice of my new family.

Affirmation I will give service today; it is important for me to share sincerity and integrity with the world around me.

March 16

”Keep spiritually sound and be persistent. Persistence is the key. Just never stop believing in your dreams.” Deborah Aquila

30 days to make a new habit. 90 meetings in 90 days. My home group recommends that newcomers attend 6 meetings before deciding if the program is for them. Persistence it seems is something that SAA tries to teach us. For me persistence has a lot to do with learning to trust in the experience of others. My life in addiction was all about doing things my way. I know all too well where my own direction led me in my choices. In recovery I am now more committed to surrendering to the will of others, starting with my Higher Power. It’s hard to admit that I don’t always know what’s best for me especially in situations that relate to my addiction and past behaviour. I have lived sufficient examples to have seen that turning my will over to my Higher Power works. It’s accepting those things that I cannot change and letting them go, instead of foolhardily believing I have some power. I cannot change the weather any more than I can control another person. Instead I let go and put my energies towards changing what I can; myself. Things don’t always turn out the way I expect, but they usually end up the way they were meant to be.

Affirmation I recognize recovery is about learning new skills and habits. I need to keep trying until they become part of my routine.

March 15

”I wanted to write about the moment when your addiction no longer hides the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down that’s the moment when you somehow have to choose what your life is going to be about.” Chuck Palahniuk

One of the things we realize is that once we’ve admitted that we are a sex addict there is no turning back. Just like a cartoon character that runs off of a cliff, once he looks down, gravity suddenly takes effect and there is nothing left to do but be pulled down. Taking that first step to come clean about our past behaviour can feel the same way, like the dam of our past has sprung a leak that leads to us being washed away in a flash flood. It’s important to remember that our past is finite and that the waters trying to drown us are not limitless but will eventually recede. In the beginning is when we need the most support to know we aren’t alone, to help keep us afloat and to remind us that this too will pass. It’s also comforting to know that at the time we find the courage to admit our problem and begin working the program, our resolve and will are often strong enough to help us weather the oncoming storm. In the end, time will temper all things and restore balance.

Affirmation I know there is a flood that awaits me, but I also know that I need not face it alone.

March 14

”Secrecy, once accepted, becomes an addiction” Edward Teller

Someone once shared that keeping secrets is the principal way to stay in the addictive cycle. I’ve also heard other members share that their secret life was a large part of what they were addicted to; the ability to have a secondary life to escape from the pressure and stress of one’s normal life. In any event, most of us can agree that keeping secrets is not helpful or healthy in moving us towards recovery. It can be challenging to let go of our habit of keeping secrets. It has been such a large part of our identity and addiction; being able to have a self-created world where we seem to be the master. In recovery and in looking deeper within ourselves, we begin to see that our secret life is merely a delusion and its sole purpose is to feed our addictive behaviour. Honesty, primarily with yourself, is a key to changing our way of thinking and to make progress in the program. Without this change of attitude and behaviour, we are likely to struggle in removing ourselves from our secret life.

Affirmation Just for today I will keep no secrets, live in the here and now.

March 13

”Who does not know what it is to rise up from a fault perceived, confirmed and forgiven – with an almost joyous sense of new energy, strength, and will to persevere?” Sidney Lear

There will be times in our recovery when we feel we have lost our way. It may be that we cannot find enough faith, hope or support to keep moving forward. It’s moments like this that more than ever we need to turn to our tools of recovery – our sponsor, groups and our Higher Power to help us continue along the right path. Being in this state reminds me of Dori from the children’s movie Finding Nemo. When Nemo’s father has lost all hope of finding his son in the vast ocean, Dori begins singing her mantra “Just keep swimming.” The same holds true for us when we feel we have strayed. We need to keep working the steps to move forward and utilizing all the tools we have learned from the program. The action to just keep swimming, even though we may not be certain where we are headed, will eventually lead us somewhere better than where we are.

Affirmation I know that if I lose my way, I can keep moving and will eventually find my way back to the path of recovery.

March 12

”He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not, but rejoices in what he has.” Epictetus

I have started a new habit of taking a few moments at the end of each day to thank my Higher Power for the things that have happened to me during the day. I find these moments of gratitude give me a good opportunity to reflect on the events of the day. It also gives me a chance to appreciate what has happened and the situations that have helped me to grow. It gives me that sober second look to also see if there are issues I can look at improving tomorrow. Taking stock of my life each and every day helps me to see what things I might be holding on to, those that are still bothering me and that I need to be careful to not turn them into regrets or resentments. On the positive it is also a chance to congratulate myself for the small steps of recovery I have made. I can rejoice in all the times I picked up a tool of recovery, asked for help or simply reached out to talk with someone from my support group. Being present in today is always my goal. I find these moments of reflection important to close off today and allow me to start the next day with a clean slate.

Affirmation I will reflect on my days’ trials and triumphs and give thanks for everything that I am grateful for.

March 11

”Any person capable of angering you becomes the master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” Epictetus

My personal power is something that I now realize has been too easy for me to give over to others. When I hold a grudge, when I resent where I am in life because of what someone else did or said, when I remain angry with another, I give them the power to control how I feel. I am learning that no one can make me feel, not happy, sad, angry or glad. My feelings are my own and while I am entitled to them, most are also not long-lived. My feelings are okay when they are a temporary response to a situation, but when I hold onto them, feed them, protect them, hide them, or lose myself in them then I lose focus on the present and live in the past. I need to move forward and one of the best tools for that is forgiveness. Forgiveness to me means taking back my power and not allowing myself to be controlled by past events that truly have no impact on where I am right at this moment. It does not mean that I condone what others have said or done, but there is nothing I can do to change that, all I can deal with is the here and now.

Affirmation I will live for the moment today; living in the past gives my power to others and holds be back from moving forward.

March 10

”We cannot be right with God when we are wrong with others.” Lehman Strauss

Step Five is all about forgiveness. One of the more difficult challenges we may face in this step is admitting the exact nature of our wrongs. We fear going into the past, reliving our mistakes and wondering if doing such activity will pull us back into our addictive patterns. The reality is that we need to express our faults, release our resentments and fears in order to be free of them. Only by doing so can we gain the freedom to will allow us to move forward in our recovery. Holding onto our negative past, especially those parts related directly to our addiction, keeps us trapped and more prone to relapse. In forgiving ourselves it can be helpful to remember that our Higher Power has already done likewise, even without us asking. We’ve been supported, and carried when required, through the worst times by the God of our understanding. The act of forgiving ourselves is powerful, liberating so much of our energy that has kept our faults under lock and key. The pain of the process comes with great satisfaction and hope of a brighter tomorrow.

Affirmation I will find the courage to forgive myself and open myself to my Higher Power in the process

March 9

”A rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is, a biting of oneself. We think we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves.” Eli E. Stanley

In our journey of recovery we need to learn how to set new boundaries, out of respect for ourselves and for others. We need to learn what lines we cannot afford to cross as they lead to middle and inner circle behaviours, or are simply inappropriate and unhealthy. It’s an important task to determine the actions and activities that fall within our three circles. This is part of establishing new boundaries within ourselves in terms of our addiction. It’s critical to remember that how we react to certain individuals, situations or emotions can be harmful and inadvertently feed our addiction. Learning to trust our new boundaries without testing them can be challenging. Some members go so far as a written contract with their sponsor to delineate their new acceptable behaviours.

Affirmation I can work on establishing healthy boundaries and relationships.

March 8

”Never forget the powerful resources you always have available to you – love, prayer and forgiveness.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

How many times have we said to ourselves, “As soon as this thing happens I will stop acting out” or “If only so and so could leave me alone” or any number of other reasons that are external to us? In recovery we learn that our change has come from within. Those situations and people external to us are something we can neither control nor change. Our recovery happens as we discover the love, forgiveness and happiness within ourselves. In turning to prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding, we open ourselves to doing His will and letting go. When we relinquish control, especially over those situations and people whom we cannot control, we gain the freedom to be ourselves and to move in a more positive direction.

Affirmation Today I thank God as I understand Him for the gifts of love, prayer, forgiveness and understanding.