February 27

”Turn your face to the sunshine and all shadows fall behind.” Helen Keller

I have referred to my past as a shadow, a scar, a darkness, a deep pit, an angry wolf and other names in a similar vein. It’s not something that I typically look at from any sort of positive view. It is a stain on my soul, on my being, that I wish I could was away. But it is not so temporary. I have a choice today, a choice to let that murky past overshadow my present, to be the little black cloud over my head that follows everywhere that I go. Or, I can choose to leave the past where it belongs, behind me, and turn towards the sun and the good choices I am making in recovery. This is one of the great freedoms I have found since finding the program, the ability to choose to live in the present and find the positive in the world around me. In my journey so far, there have even been moments where I have looked at my shadow-self and embraced it. Although I may not welcome all that has happened, I am at least grateful that it was part of what brought me here to this moment. It was not perhaps the best way I could have reached where I am, but then again, maybe it was the path I was meant to follow. I would not be the same person without all the experiences that have come my way.

Affirmation I have a good power in being able to decide today, right now, how to view my past, and to let it darken my skies, or to rejoice and give thanks for letting it bring me to this moment.

February 26

”On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.” Anonymous

Computers and technology are certainly a mixed blessing. They are a good tool, when used properly. However, like many modern things, they can also be abused. This was certainly the case for a larger portion of my acting out days. This became a means for me to increase my activities, in frequency, in scope by allowing me to access many more topics and avenues, much faster, and from pretty much anywhere at any time. The computer was one thing that had to change as I entered recovery. I wasn’t able to control my activity on my own and had to rely on internet safety software and restricted access to curb my behaviours. It was not good for me to be always accessible to a computer. These days I am able to use a computer and the internet as a tool, for my day-to-day needs, as well as for recovery and outer circle work. I still need to be mindful of the pull into my former behaviours, because many are still just a simple click away. And there always seems to be something enticing just lurking around the next page. Vigilance is a must to guard my sobriety.

Affirmation Technology can help my recovery, but I need to admit where it is a hindrance and seek whatever means necessary to protect myself from unwanted influence and access.

February 25

” You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.” Maya Angelou

There is a great deal of wisdom in the many sayings and slogans that I have found in the program. One Day at a Time. Live and Let Live. First Things First. Let Go and Let God. These and others are simple reminders to be aware of my surroundings, especially in the moments when I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. They are also warnings that I need to slow down, to allow myself the time to digest what is happening around me, to prioritize and focus on the things that really matter. Life is full of ups and downs; with moments where I am crazy busy to others where I am bored stiff, and many places in between. There are times when I feel defeated, where it seems like almost everything is stacked against me, and others where I feel like I am on top of the world. Through it all, I am learning that the importance is to be present in the moment. I am gradually seeing that nothing is good or bad, but is an experience that is there to help me grow and be challenged. It is my attitude towards life that has changed significantly, and not so much the world around me. I will not be defeated, and I have faith that this is true. The program has given me a solid foundation, based on spirituality that I had set aside during those darker years, that I know will keep me in good stead through all that is to come. I have a strong network of friends, in and out of recovery, and family to support me in all that life has in store. I choose to be in recovery today, and that is far from being defeated.

Affirmation The triumphs of recovery are to keep rising each time I fall, to stop repeating mistakes, and to trust in the process of the 12 Steps.

February 24

”It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.” George Washington

I’m not sure it’s always better to be alone. I spent many years being bad company to myself, without the help of anybody else. I was quite capable of finding ways to keep myself occupied and mostly in ways that I am not proud to share now. My addiction liked to keep me isolated as that was part of keeping me under control. On the other hand, being in poor company is not necessarily a better option. Peer pressure can have a big impact on affecting how I act and the choices that I make. Getting caught up in the momentum of a party or group setting can encourage me to engage in activities that I wouldn’t normally consider. This is why part of me recovery program focuses on the people I keep in my entourage. From those I have met in the program, to family and friends, I have needed to evaluate which relationships are nurturing from those which are toxic. These influences have the ability to strengthen or weaken my resolve and determination to stick with my steps and my path of sobriety.

Affirmation Relationships play a huge part in maintaining my program of recovery, and I will seek to keep the healthy ones going. I will resolve to let the poor influencers go their own way.

February 23

”It is strange that those we miss the most are those we take for granted.” Sir John Betjeman

This is one area that I am working on not repeating in my life. It was in taking those closest to me for granted that I was able to so deeply fall into my addiction and ignore the best things in my life. And this lack of attention led to me losing some of the people that I cared deeply about. I know I used to escape my feelings of loss, abandon and rejection. I didn’t want to feel like I was missing people that were important to me, and I sought refuge in my acting out. It’s hard looking back, knowing that this behaviour is w.hat ultimately caused me to lose the people I didn’t want to miss. So recovery is teaching me to experience my feelings. The simple fact that I miss someone doesn’t mean than they are rejecting or abandoning me. It is a sign of them caring for me, and also of how much they mean to me. These are good things, and good reminders that it is great for me to have intimate relationships. I know much better what I risk losing by taking others for granted

Affirmation The one thing I cannot afford to take for granted is the fact that I am today, like yesterday and tomorrow, an addict. Remembering this allows me to focus on being in recovery.

February 22

”Few things heal wounded spirits better than the balm of a supportive embrace.” Charles Swindoll

One of the powers of the program is the genuine support that is offered. I, like many others, have to come to think of my fellowship as a second family. It is a place of safety, security and comfort. There is always someone who is willing to listen, who won’t judge, won’t offer advice, but will simply be present and be there for me. It is the strength of this group that has helped to mend my wounded spirit. It is through them, through their struggles, their honesty and their strength that I have found the courage to move in a different and better direction. I have found a place of warmth, of intimacy, that has embraced my brokenness and encouraged my hope to spring forth. In healing my spirit I have found the will and the strength to help others in kind. I have a desire to share my recovery with members who, like me, suffer with this disease. I have the gift of this new found awareness and some humble beginnings of wisdom to nurture and encourage my brothers and sisters along their own journeys. My wounded past has turned from a weakness into a strength to allow me to embrace my friends in recovery.

Affirmation My wounds will heal, and though there may be scars left behind, I can turn that healing into a boon for others who still suffer.

February 21

”He who closes his ears to the views of others shows little confidence in the integrity of his own views.” William Congreve

Step Three is about having the willingness to turn our lives over to the care of our Higher Power. One of the ways I think this happens is in my acceptance that this will manifest in those around me. And in order to be willing, then I need to be open to the opinions and advice of others. Their influence can be a sign or direction from the God of my understanding, but I have to be listening and looking for it. Sometimes what is said from others supports my ideas and plans, reinforcing what I have already intended to do. This acknowledgement can be a confirmation of what I am supposed to be doing. It can also be the opposite. I need to be willing to examine the source of this support, is it from someone who is normally a positive influence in my life, or not? The same contradiction exists when those around me are against my views and plans. Depending on the person who is sharing, they may be challenging my ideas to make them stronger and find flaws, or it may be out of a genuine concern that they are not necessarily the healthiest choice for me to make. All in all, this requires the ability on my part to listen to others and take the time to understand their point of view.

Affirmation Listening to others does not degrade the value of my own thoughts and ideas. Rather, it can reinforce what I have chosen, or be a warning to let me steer my actions in another direction.

February 18

”To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.” Theophile Gautier

Admiration, something I have sought, and something that I have also given. I do like the definition - that it is loving with the mind, an intellectual feat. Admiration is a form of judgement and comparison that places another person on a pedestal or scale against others. It can be genuine to a degree, but I would also suggest that it is love at a distance, and not in a close and personal sense. To consider the first part of the quote, that loving is to admire with the heart, this too strikes a chord in me. Admiration from my heart, from my centre of emotions, is to wish to connect with another. It is the feelings that are important in this case, and it is certainly a desire to be close and to have intimacy. There is implied warmth in the description that can only come from the proximity of the relationship. Comparing and contrasting love and admiration in this way gives me more insight into how I have treated love in the past, and how I need to change my perspective now. It is not about comparison, or judgement, or awe of another. Love is about respect, acceptance of another as they truly are, and the simple desire to be a part of where they are. It is not about needing to change to be acceptable at their level, nor about highlighting where I seem to be lacking. Love is indeed simple and pure in its more basic form.

Affirmation I am learning to recreate my definition of love which is more pure and less concerned with lust, admiration, judgement and vanity.

February 17

”Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.” Albert Einstein

I think this is another way of saying “in all things, moderation.” I can strive to simplify my life, but even in this task I can go too far. I can reduce something to the point where it no longer has any relevance or value. Or I can spend time making things so clear that anyone can understand, but who would at the same time feel degraded because the level of language and comprehension was too far below a respectable level. This also speaks to me of the challenging concept of “good enough.” Challenging to me because this goes against my more natural tendency of perfectionism. This is where I am growing more comfortable with an 80% solution and that not necessarily everything has to be just right. My best doesn’t always have to be an A+ or a gold medal. A 4th place-effort might be enough to get the job done and satisfy the needs of the client. George Carlin used to joke about the worst doctor in the world, and the fact that someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow. Be that as it may, the worst doctor is likely a better choice than the best plumber in the world to diagnose any healthy issues. So I don’t need to necessarily be in the top 10, 20 or even 50% of people in whatever field I “compete.” My skills are enough to finish the job, then that may be all that is required.

Affirmation Humility can also come from accepting that my work may not be top-class all the time, but if what was needed gets done, then I can be satisfied with my efforts.

February 16

”Failing doesn't make you a failure. Giving up, accepting your failure, refusing to try again does!” Richard Exely

I’ve failed lots. I have failed in small ways, in medium ways, in large ways, and even in spectacular ways. Some failures were good failures, because they happened when I was working towards good goals. Many were not so righteous because of the end I sought. Worst of all though, are the times I succeeded in doing things that I should never even have attempted. Those are times that can haunt me, those five, ten or fifteen minute decisions that I can never take back. Still, I am coming to terms with the idea that I am not a failure simply because I am imperfect and make mistakes. I do believe in the core of this quotation, that it’s only when I accept defeat that I have truly failed, when the goal is a healthy pursuit of course. Perseverance is required; I need to pick myself up, brush off the dirt, lick my wounds, and carry on with what I have learned in the attempt. My life was empty and without any real direction when I lived either for my addiction, or to fulfill the will of others. It’s only when I am working towards goals that serve the purpose of my Higher Power that I actually get fulfillment. These are the things in life that matter, that give meaning to my existence, and will bring me joy and true satisfaction.

Affirmation I can accept failure as part of the process of growing and changing. I will not give up on my core goals and beliefs, and trust that the process to get to the end is part of the experience.

February 15

”The true perfection of man lies not in what man has, but in what man is.” Oscar Wilde

Too much of my life has been spent looking for things outside myself to make me feel happy, complete and content. It’s taken a lot of personal progress to realize that while it’s nice to have things like money, a good job, friends, a life partner, etc. these are only temporary sources of happiness. And that even with all this in my life, I can still be discontent. True happiness comes from within. It’s the acceptance of being who I am, how I am. It’s being alright with everything, my strengths and weaknesses. It’s realizing that my past is what has brought me today, but that today is a gift and I have the freedom to live it how I choose. All this means that each day is an opportunity to be who I truly am, to live to my fullest potential, to devour all the joy and wonder of this world. I can choose to push past the negativity of life, to make the most of all that life has to offer. This is my power, and my responsibility to take my place in the world rather than letting others dictate what it should be. I owe this freedom to my Creator, who gave me everything I will ever needed when I was born into this world. Its time I start using all those talents to make a difference.

Affirmation I need not strive for perfection; I have everything I need within me. I simply need to make the choice to use my God-given talents, and lead the life I was meant to live.

February 13

”People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.” Brian Tracy

Goal-setting has been a challenge in recovery. I find myself at odds in trying to both live in the present and sit down to set goals that make me look to the future. Looking to set healthy goals is a new perspective, and one that’s still a bit unfamiliar. My future used to only be filled with planning for my next bout of acting out. Trying to determine what healthy goals are wasn’t that easy in the beginning. I had to rely on others around me to get their feedback before trusting that I was making good plans. Gradually, I gained confidence in my own skills to make good choices and set good targets that supported my recovery. One thing that certainly has helped is the simple act of writing out my goals. This is in part because it takes me longer to describe the goal, which makes it more real and gives it more importance. It also makes me think more about it, and can help plan steps to achieving it. The whole process enables me to envision realizing these tasks even more when I include those close to me.

Affirmation I will gradually be able to set goals with support and by taking the time to think them through and put them on paper.

February 12

”Habits are cobwebs at first; cables at last.” Chinese Proverb

How true this is! My addiction was not something that came in like a tidal wave, strong and overpowering, taking control in a single motion. It began as a small river, slowly eroding away at the bank, carving a slow, steady path into my life. Over the days, weeks and years that constant stream of water ran deeper, grew wider and stronger, and gained momentum. Recovery started in damage control, throwing sandbanks along the river’s edge to stop the water that was flooding parts of my life. Since then, it’s been about creating new pathways for the river to flow, ones that are healthy and maintained, and created with purpose, not left to run wildly along, uncontrolled and unmanaged. The damage from the river of my addiction is likely to stay. Even should the waters fully recede, the dry riverbed will remain, waiting to accept new water at any time. My task in recovery is to keep the waters diverted to their new routes, through the diligence of working my program.

Affirmation My addiction crept into my life slowly, and so too will my new program of recovery. With time and persistence, my actions will change for the better of myself and those around me.

February 11

”When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Victor Frankl

I find this a different perspective on the Serenity Prayer. So what I find myself in circumstances beyond my control, what am I left with? Me. I can always choose to change myself. Once again, here I discover some great words of wisdom to guide me. So here is yet another reminder to stop being a victim of my surroundings. Most of what happens around me is beyond my control or even my ability to influence. What I have a choice in is how I will decide to be, what attitude I will have, whether I will act or react, and how I choose to handle myself in given the situation life has presented to me. I do like the way the quote puts this, that “we are challenged to change ourselves.” I do think in most cases it is a challenge. I don’t usually welcome and openly embrace change. I’d rather go with the flow and keep things as they are. Change means work, a requirement to exert effort to make things different. It’s not comfortable and safe. But it’s what I need to continue to do in order to work my program and guard my serenity and sobriety.

Affirmation I accept the challenge of change. I accept that when it seems everything is against me, or there is nothing I can control, I always have the choice to change myself – my thoughts, attitude and actions.

February 10

”And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

I spent many years hiding from the truth. I was too afraid to be honest, to be rejected, refused or abandoned for what I thought or how I felt. I lied, or told half-truths, or simply neglected to share things that I should have to stay authentic with myself and others. Years of living like that took its toll, and I became a prisoner to the layers of deceit that I’d built over the years. It’s taken many years to come to a point of living a more genuine and honest existence. I finally got tired of the burden of carrying all the deception with me. It is as though a great weight was lifted from my shoulders, my heart and my soul in becoming truthful. It’s a transformation that needed to start with myself as I had been dishonest with the most important person in my life – me – for a long time. The truth is not always easy. Doing the right thing is often very difficult. But once done, it’s done. There is no web of lies to remember or maintain, no recalling of what version of the truth was told to whom, who is implicated or not, or any of the hundreds of details used to make the mistruths believable. The truth demands none of that, it is simply what it is and I can always recall what it was. Honesty certainly keeps me liberated and open to participating more fully in life.

Affirmation Honesty, starting with being truthful with myself, is a key to turning over a new page in my life and committing to being in recovery.

February 9

”Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes.” Oscar Wilde

I have to be responsible for my own happiness. Expectations of others to make me happy, to fulfill my wants and desires, to comfort and console – all these divert control of my life to someone else and are doomed to fail. This is selfishness on my part, wanting others to act, usually only on my whims and unspoken wishes, to make my life easier. I need to make sure I am working my program each and every day. I need to take care of my own needs through prayer and meditation and working my steps. I have to work at being present for my family, friends and brothers and sisters in the program. I need to take time to reflect, to ask for forgiveness for the wrongs I have committed to myself and others, as well as giving thanks for the wonders of the day. There are also the mundane tasks of taking care of my surroundings – eating well, exercising, and getting a good night’s rest. It’s the whole package, mind, body and spirit. At the end of the day, it’s remembering to live according the will of my Higher Power. If I am being responsible for my own well-being, I am better positioned to be of service to others. That’s the goal of my selfishness, to be ready to be there for others to my fullest capacity.

Affirmation I am responsible for my own happiness and for taking care of my needs. This helps me to be there to serve others and follow the will of the God of my understanding.

February 6

”Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes I wonder why it seems that the people whom I love the most are also the ones who seem most able to drive me crazy. It strikes me that this does not compute logically. Yet, from an emotional view for certain, it does tend to be the case. The people I let closest to me, to my heart, to my desires, to my weaknesses and fears, also gain an ability to frankly, bug the heck out of me at times. There’s a lesson here for me though. The fact that this closeness creates conflict is often more a reflection of something in myself that is bothered, than what is being said or done by the other person. In letting my guard down, I open myself to let my defects of character spring forth. I need to be willing to recognize this and then look to work at turning them over to my Higher Power. Love is indeed humble. True love seeks to offer compassion, caring, nurturing. It is about giving and sharing. It is selfless, free, and without boundary. It has the power to bring out the best, and sometimes worst, in me, but this is only to help me become more aware and to allow me to continue to grow.

Affirmation I will learn to cherish my close relationships that will shed a light on my defects. This is another catalyst and opportunity for change.

February 5

”Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Matthew 7:7

Sometimes wisdom seems so easy when given to me, but so much harder to make a reality. I do believe that this quote is how my Higher Power operates. The reality is that I know the difficulties behind the words. To receive what I want or need, I need to ask the right question. To discover what I want or need, I first must know what it is I seek. To have opportunities and openings, I must know which door I need to knock at. Added to this, is the distinguishing of want and need, of my will and desire versus that of my Higher Power. So, if these sayings are to be meaningful and bear fruit in my life, I need some wisdom first to seek answers to questions that are part of the plan from the God of my understanding. The last component is to surrender. This means having patience to ask, and then be willing to leave the outcome in the hands of my power greater than myself. This means waiting for the answer to come in His time and way. And to hope that I am actually paying attention enough to realize that prayers have been answered.

Affirmation Prayer can and should contain requests of my wants and desires, but I have to be patient for the response which may be realized when or how I expected.