September 28

”You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.”” Alan Alda

My recovery is my own. My path through separation is my own too. Those close to me have their own paths to follow to heal from the trauma of living in the toxic environment that I subjected them to. This includes my kids. Even though I may be making good progress in accepting the consequences and the new reality of my recovery, there is no obligation for my path to be in sync with those of the people around me. It takes a good deal of patience to repeatedly answer questions from my younger children about mommy and daddy getting back together again. Now that the decision is firm that this is not the direction things are headed, it is not always easy to answer the question without bringing up the ghosts of the past. The “what ifs” of wondering if I did enough to repair the damage all too easily surface anew. My role is to continue being a good parent and to show my children that separation, while perhaps not their choice, is where I need to be. As long as I am working my program and improving my own character, I have faith that my kids will come around. Maybe never to a complete understanding of how things have changed, but at least to accept things as they are.

Affirmation I cannot change where I am or how I feel to please others, even my children. I need to trust the process of the Steps and know that my recovery will become apparent to others in time.

September 25

”You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of my biggest challenges as I move through separation from my spouse, as our relationship has gone from being friends to enemies, at least for now, is to continue to show respect. Doing kind acts, at least for the sake of my kids when I know full well the same gesture would not be given in return, is very trying. Keeping my spouse informed about events at school, or health or other concerns with our kids during their time with me is how I would like, and even expect, to be treated, even if I am not. I do not do this for the sake of my spouse. It is mostly for the benefit of the kids, they should not be the ones to have to inform my former partner. At a more basic level, it is simply the right thing to do. As the Bible tells me, I am should love my enemies. This is a true test of love and kindness, to act with the foreknowledge that your gesture is likely to be rejected, yet still do it. I may never repair that relationship to a point where we can be civilized with each other. I don’t know what my Higher Power’s will is in that regard yet. However I need to continue living with my principles intact, and treating others with respect, even the other parent who may hate me right now, is certainly one of them.

Affirmation I will continue to treat others as I would like to be treated. I can hold my head up for living by my values and morals.

September 8

”We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Miyazawa Kenji

Moving on with my life and pushing forward through the trials of separation and divorce has been far from easy. Breaking the bonds with someone who was such a large part of my life for many years is far from evident. Physical separation was probably the easiest part, the psychological and emotional separation is much more challenging, energy draining and depressing. It has been important, more than ever, to force myself to stick to my routine of recovery during this period. My meetings, my fellowship, my sponsor, and my SAA literature are powerful resources to help keep me grounded in the present and provide windows of sanity in the emotional turmoil. I have spent many hours looking back, wondering if I could have saved my marriage, if I did enough when I understood better how much damage I had caused. It is all part of letting go, wrestling with the ghosts of what could have been. My support network helps me to see the steps I have taken to improve my life and reminds me of where I am today. The grief and pain of the past will pass in time and I am discovering that it is fuel to make me want to be better for now and the future.

Affirmation Grief, hurt and pain are part of my life too. They are not fun to endure but can provide valuable lessons that I will come to treasure.

July 6

”I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.” Douglas Adams

Separating from my spouse, even the idea of separating, used to scare me. Just the prospect of having to move out, potentially only for a short time, having to tell our kids, change addresses, etc. seemed to be an admittance that I had failed. That I was a failure as a spouse, a parent, a child of God…and that I would have to publicly acknowledge this to at least some degree was terrifying. I’ve been on my own now for a few months, but it took quite a number of months, talks with counsellors, fellow brothers and sisters in SAA, and even my Higher Power to come to the realization that I needed the separation just as much as my partner to gain some perspective as well as the opportunity to focus more on my own recovery. I know too well at this point that I am reliable to no one else if I am not taking care of me first – mind, body and spirit. Life on my own has presented its own challenges. Having to be responsible primarily only for myself, trying to parent at a distance, having to deal with neighbours in adjacent apartments….all these and more add to the complexity of life. But at the same time I am learning how to apply the Steps and my tools of recovery in many other real world situations. And I am ok with where my path has led me.

Affirmation Sometimes the difficult choice is the right choice. It may not lead me where I expected, but I will have faith in the guidance of my Higher Power.

March 21

”And ever has it be known that love knows   not its own depth until the hour of separation.” Khalil Gibran

There are many consequences that we have to face as a result of our behaviour. If we are in a relationship there is a likely chance that we have strained our interaction, whether or not the entire truth of our secret has come into the open. Regardless, many are faced with the decision to separate from their partner, at least temporarily to take stock of the situation, focus on recovery and remove ourselves from some of the day-to-day stresses. This is a personal decision; some members have been able to remain in their relationship and work their own recovery while simultaneously improving the couple. Some have had a temporary separation to at least put some physical distance between them, while for others a permanent separation was the only option for at least one of the parties involved. These are unfortunate but real results of our past actions and behaviours. It is important to remember that we need to put our recovery first. If we do not remain sober, continually surrendering to our Higher Power, there is little hope in repairing the damage to any of our relationships.

Affirmation I must be willing to follow whatever path is best for my own recovery, even if it means separation. I need to trust in my Higher Power.

February 9

”I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” Confucius

Being a sex addict with a partner or spouse can be challenging. One of the obvious questions is whether or not you can or even should stay together once the addiction has been brought into the open. As hard as it may be in such a situation, it is important to be able to do those things that are best for your recovery. If that means stepping out of your relationship, even temporarily, it may well be the best thing for everyone involved. Both people in the relationship will have issues within the couple, as well as individually. Sex addiction, like any other addiction is a family disease. And perhaps more than other addictions, sex addiction is a relationship disease. Everyone will likely benefit from the time and distance of a separation. The addict as well as their partner need time to reflect, seek help and begin the process of healing. Like my own history, there was a serious breach of trust between me and my partner. Taking a step back was critical in allowing each of us the chance to start rebuilding ourselves and our lives. It was not easy by any sense, but still very necessary. As an addict I was at the point where my words had little value and only my actions could be trusted. Being apart helped to show my commitment to recovery and the personal growth I was experiencing.

Affirmation Today I will try not to run away from the hard choices and trust in the will of my Higher Power for the sake of my recovery.