September 30

”Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were big things.” Robert Brault

Looking into the past is not easy for me. While I can find moments of serenity and happiness, it is hard to hold onto them against the weight of negativity that my addiction put into the same period. The fact that my emotions were dulled also is not helpful in trying to recall better times. Then there are other people who only want me remember all the bad times which can make it even more challenging to look back. My task is to focus on today, and even though things are not all rosy, I am learning to focus at least equally on want goes well each day. I have to find the balance, and I need to practice positive thinking if I want to stop all that mental berating I am used to giving to myself. Like a friend recently shared, there is no way I would want to stay friends with someone who belittled and degraded me as much as I do of my own accord. It is learning to be gentle. To understand that I am not perfect. That I will make mistakes. That I have lots to offer. That I can rejoice in what I accomplish each day. It is also about surrounding myself with good people. Those who lift me up, who remind me of the good I do and the progress I have made. It is an accumulation of many small acts of goodness that have led me along the path of recovery. As I approach a year of sobriety, all those small things are turning into something quite large indeed.

Affirmation Today I will reflect on the small good things that are present in my life because I have chosen to be in recovery.

September 29

”Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control.” Richard Kline

I am trepidatious by nature. No place is this more apparent than in the workplace. Although I am good at my job and in general a people person, I often struggle in situations where I need to lead. I try to compensate for my lack of confidence in portraying my abilities and knowledge by speaking too fast, not speaking loudly or clearly enough, and poorly articulating. Many times I feel like someone fresh out of school in a new job, rather than the experienced person that I am. It’s a bit ridiculous when I think about it after the fact. Preparation helps to some degree, but in the moment I often forget where I need to lead a discussion or what I need to say. I feel like I am being judged, that in some way I need to prove or justify my competence to being telling the group before me what needs to be discussed. Yet really all I need to do is my job; the opinions of others about me are not as important as achieving the goal. It can be hard to separate myself from my work. Some things I perceive as too much of a reflection on my person or as an attachment to my self-worth. I need to remember that my work does not define me, but is an expression of my values and ethics in a working environment.

Affirmation I can be confident in who I am and what I am capable of, knowing that my Higher Power is there to support me.

September 28

”You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.”” Alan Alda

My recovery is my own. My path through separation is my own too. Those close to me have their own paths to follow to heal from the trauma of living in the toxic environment that I subjected them to. This includes my kids. Even though I may be making good progress in accepting the consequences and the new reality of my recovery, there is no obligation for my path to be in sync with those of the people around me. It takes a good deal of patience to repeatedly answer questions from my younger children about mommy and daddy getting back together again. Now that the decision is firm that this is not the direction things are headed, it is not always easy to answer the question without bringing up the ghosts of the past. The “what ifs” of wondering if I did enough to repair the damage all too easily surface anew. My role is to continue being a good parent and to show my children that separation, while perhaps not their choice, is where I need to be. As long as I am working my program and improving my own character, I have faith that my kids will come around. Maybe never to a complete understanding of how things have changed, but at least to accept things as they are.

Affirmation I cannot change where I am or how I feel to please others, even my children. I need to trust the process of the Steps and know that my recovery will become apparent to others in time.

September 27

”Concentration is the secret of strength.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Temptation is usually strongest when I feel weak. The program mentions the HALT warning signs – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. It’s quite true for me that those states are times when I feel more vulnerable. Each of these diminishes my ability to concentrate, to focus on using the tools of recovery rather than turning to my old tried and true behaviours. Being in any of those HALT moods saps my strength and opens cracks in my defence that my addict is always searching for. I need to recognize those things that weaken my resolve. There are often simple ways for me to take care of myself to increase the odds in my favour. I need to ensure that I get enough rest, diffuse my anger through journaling or exercise, connect with others instead of isolating and maintain a balanced diet and avoid excess fast food and junk food. My spiritual strength is also a big factor in my resilience to temptation. Seeing as how my addiction built a wall around my spiritual connections, ensuring I continue to pray, meditate, read spiritual literature and reflect on life are all healthy ways to ground myself. These too are affected when I neglect my basic needs. As the saying goes, First Things First. I need look after my physical body in order to take care of my emotional and spiritual selves.

Affirmation I will pay attention to my basic needs. This is a fundamental step to help me focus on my emotional and spiritual well-being.

September 26

”It takes a long time to bring excellence to maturity.” Publilius Syrus

It’s a funny way to think about it, but in my own way I perfected being an addict. Getting all my rituals down to a science, planning what to do, what to say, or how to manipulate to get time alone. Things that used to take hours of planning and preparation could take place in a matter of minutes. Wow! Here is a place that in my recovery I can find positives from negatives. All those skills of planning and preparation are useful for my day-to-day life. What an opportunity to put them to better use! It’s hard acknowledging that I have abused myself throughout this process. Skills and abilities meant to help nurture me and grow were twisted to isolate and stunt my maturity. Recovery is in part about finding the healthy ways to use the natural talents that my Higher Power gave to me to have a positive influence on my life and the world around me. I know well that one of mine is writing…the continuing pages of my meditations are a constant reminder and so much healthier than the sexual fantasies I used to write. My path to emotional and spiritual maturity continues. There are constant roadblocks and challenges, but I have faith in the God of my understanding and in the tools He has given me to overcome them, One Day at a Time.

Affirmation By the will of my Higher Power, I can turn anything around, and find better ways to use my skills to promote living in the present.

September 25

”You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of my biggest challenges as I move through separation from my spouse, as our relationship has gone from being friends to enemies, at least for now, is to continue to show respect. Doing kind acts, at least for the sake of my kids when I know full well the same gesture would not be given in return, is very trying. Keeping my spouse informed about events at school, or health or other concerns with our kids during their time with me is how I would like, and even expect, to be treated, even if I am not. I do not do this for the sake of my spouse. It is mostly for the benefit of the kids, they should not be the ones to have to inform my former partner. At a more basic level, it is simply the right thing to do. As the Bible tells me, I am should love my enemies. This is a true test of love and kindness, to act with the foreknowledge that your gesture is likely to be rejected, yet still do it. I may never repair that relationship to a point where we can be civilized with each other. I don’t know what my Higher Power’s will is in that regard yet. However I need to continue living with my principles intact, and treating others with respect, even the other parent who may hate me right now, is certainly one of them.

Affirmation I will continue to treat others as I would like to be treated. I can hold my head up for living by my values and morals.

September 24

”I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” Pietro Aretino

Joining SAA has been the start of a re-commitment to being honest. It is hard to start being truthful to myself, admitting my mistakes, acknowledging my actions, and being prepared to accept the consequences. It has been a simple admission that I am not a bad person but that I have made poor decisions that led me to my bottoming out. Today is about making better choices. I have more confidence as I know I don’t need to do things all on my own. I am learning to trust in the God of my understanding to remain teachable and open to His will. The atmosphere of my meetings has provided me safe haven to share my secrets and deflate their power. It has allowed me to accept myself as I am, the good parts and the not-so-good all mixed together. I feel much less shame about who I am and what I have done. My continuing journey of self-acceptance has enabled me to carry this confidence into the rest of my life. I am improving as a father, as a colleague and as a friend as I connect with others rather than isolating and hiding in my own little world. Honesty is a regular part of my day, in all things big or small. It’s important to me that I be an authentic and genuine person. I feel better at the end of the day knowing that I have followed the better path in dealing with others and with myself.

Affirmation For today I will focus on telling the truth and in listening to the true way I feel as events take place around me.

September 23

”The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift.” Pierre Corneille

A topic in a recent meeting made me reflect on how I found the program. After several episodes of leaving a trail to my acting out that were found by my partner, I finally had enough awareness to admit that I had a problem and needed help. A newcomer asked in this recent meeting about disclosure, and as I listened I could not help but recall how things had gone when I had been “put on the spot” to divulge everything that was going on. I know being unprepared and unsure what or how much to say did not help in my own personal circumstances. Some good advice and suggestions were offered by those present. Try and have some recovery under your belt to better understand the consequences and be prepared to face them. Talk with a sponsor and/or therapist about what to say. Try to have the conversation in a controlled environment with a professional – sponsor, therapist, or clergy – to help guide the emotional reactions. All good ideas for someone who has the luxury of creating the opportunity to reveal their secret. In the end that is what disclosure is all about. The program clearly shows that we are only as sick as our secrets. The only way to not have secrets is to share them with someone else. This is a key step in recovery and in become honest with ourselves.

Affirmation I will be aware of any secrets I may still have and find the right time, place and person to share them with.

September 22

”The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” Oscar Wilde

My addiction seems to hold true to this idea. Once a seed is planted to fall into middle or inner circle behaviour, it is an inevitability that I will find myself there. It may take minutes, hours or even days, but eventually I will succumb to the uncontrollable desire. Yet if I honestly look at my period of recovery thus far, while I have indeed slipped along the way, I certainly have not acted upon every addictive thought that has crossed my mind, in fact far from it. There is one part of my recovery where it is still challenging to be gentle to myself. The perfectionist in me wants the clean track record, no slips, and no fantasies, to deny anything that is part of who I no longer wish to be. While that is the goal I am striving for, I need to be gentler and realistic in seeing that I will not achieve this instantaneously. There is no switch to flip to turn that part of me off. I am glad that even though I give in to the temptation from time to time, that I can disagree with Mr. Wilde in believing that this is always the case. I have choices and I can choose to do something else. Recovery continues to give me ways to live differently and handle the situations life puts before me.

Affirmation I have choices and there is power within me, supported by my Higher Power and my fellowship, to choose a new path.

September 21

”There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” Oscar Wilde

There is more than one way to look at any tragedy that befalls us. For example, I recently had someone vandalize some of my property. It happened completely out of the blue, seemed perfectly unjustifiable and created a pocket of chaos in my life as I had to deal with it. And like most people, it gave me an opportunity to complain about life, about bad things happening to me and all the rest. One comment in particular as I shared my story made me change my attitude a little faster than I probably would have. Someone responded “Well, you know, this having happened may have prevented something even worse.” No idea like that had certainly crossed my mind while I was dealing with the insurance agency, authorities and figuring out how it was going to affect my pocketbook. That outside opinion made me step back and look at the bigger picture, and whose will needed to be followed. Sure, the situation was inconvenient and unpleasant, but in the grand scheme of things, really not the end of the world. A temporary setback that I would soon forget. So no need to spend too much time or energy griping or worrying, just deal with it and move on. There are so many better areas of my life that deserve my attention.

Affirmation I am learning to put things into greater perspective and to be open to the opinions of others as I journey through life.

September 20

”Happy is he who dares courageously to defend what he loves.” Ovid

My recovery is precious. Because right now it is helping me regain my connection to my Higher Power, it is probably one of the most valuable things in my life and I need to protect it. I have heard people say that working their program is like putting money in the bank, that it is self-guarding some protection for when they need to withdraw it to help combat their triggers and addictive tendencies. I see working my program more like sand I add to an hour glass that has no top or bottom. Picking up my tools and using them helps to keep my addiction at bay, but if I am not consistent and continuously working my recovery that reserve of sand will eventually fall all the way through. It takes daily doses of courage to make being in recovery a priority. It is too easy to fall back into my old routine, to put off my sponsor, prayer, meetings or some other tool when life is going well. Life is good because I am still active in my outer activities, in connecting with others, in reading my recovery literature and meditating. Why on earth would I want to stop these things and jeopardize the sanity and serenity I have found? Now that is just a little crazy thinking on my part!

Affirmation I will choose to defend my sobriety and that means continuing to work my program – life is good today because I am doing the right things.

September 19

”I have no Yesterdays, Time took them away. Tomorrow may not be but I have Today.” Pear Yeardon McGinnis

I used to think I had all the time in the world. Tomorrow I could fill up, and the next week, month, or year with activity and planning. It has taken a significant amount of recovery to realize that all I really have is Today, and even harder to come to terms with is knowing all that I really have is right now. I cannot get back Yesterday or anything that has happened in the past. The moment is gone, lost forever. I can choose to allow it to shape who I am and where I go from there. Regret, anger, and resentment about what has been only distract me from being in the present. The Future is little better. I can worry, but effort into my fears of what may be, yet here too I remove myself from right now. My power in just being, in gaining the awareness of who I truly am, of opening myself to the will of something greater than myself, grants me the freedom to choose how to live each moment. I can squander it on negative thoughts and emotions or parts of my addictive nature, or I can choose life in recovery – to be healthy, clean, sober and sane. Each moment of serenity restores a part of my true self and gives me the ability to serve the purpose of my Higher Power.

Affirmation My focus is to be in the moment, the past is beyond my control and the future may never come to pass. I will do the most I can right now.

September 18

”Go on working freely and furiously, and you will make progress.” Paul Gaugin

My recovery stops when I quit working my program. It may not feel like it right away, it make take hours or days, but eventually, if I am not doing those outer circle activities to maintain sobriety, the shadow of my addiction will constantly creep back into my life. It happens quite innocently, a stray glance or thought, the temptation to look at something or say something that is near the boundaries of my inner circle. Before I know it I can find myself obsessing, fantasizing or even acting out. The road to recovery is a life-long journey. My tools not only need to be with me each and every day, but I am required to use them as well. Progress has to be a continual working towards a better life. The steps are all part of my personal voyage towards living for the will of my Higher Power rather than my own. My addiction never gives up. As is often heard in the program, it is out in the parking lot doing push-ups, patiently waiting for the opportunity to jump back into the driver’s seat. My responsibility with my awareness is to remain vigilant and take away those opportunities. This is the freedom offered to me by the program.

Affirmation I commit to being in recovery today and that means using the tools I have learned to continue taking steps of progress.

September 17

”Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it.” Paul de Rapin

My life often feels like a series of tragic events… and I am sure it sounds that way when I tell others. I know that I often have the hidden desire of seeking sympathy. I heard a country song recently that summed things up pretty well, that it just “sounds like life to me.” I certainly can relate, in retrospect, that many of my “tragedies”, while painful and a pretty big deal when I am in the middle of them, are not really that huge when I get through them. The truth of the matter is that I tend to overreact and let situations overwhelm me that don’t warrant that much attention. It is a habit that helped feed my addiction, and still does when I let it. It is part of the same pattern that allows an addictive seed to be planted in my thoughts that eventually grows into something with enough momentum to lead me into my middle or inner circle behaviours. I no longer react instantaneously, but it still builds up to the point of no return after hours or days. That auto-pilot escape mechanism still functions all too well. I still need to be gentle with myself, forgive myself for being human and slipping on occasion. My life really is so much better. I need to keeping trusting in my Higher Power and working the program.

Affirmation I may slip and fall, but I will continue to get back up. My tragedies are not often as bad as I try to make them to be and things will improve.

September 16

”Some cause happiness wherever then go; others, whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde

In general life is good, but I still have days when I don’t feel particularly cheery. It is still difficult to allow myself to feel a little down in the dumps, depressed or sad. Yet I need to understand and remind myself that it is normal to have these unpleasant feelings…and that I need to experience them. The trick is not to hide from or ignore my emotions, but to live through them and wherever possible, figure out what is causing them. I have a tendency to want to cheer up too fast, and will look for a quick fix to get back to being “normal.” In reality my new normal is about accepting where I am and learning to focus on the present. Nothing is really good or bad, it just is. Life is not a flat line, but filled with peaks and valleys, as is my emotional state. Happiness is something advertised as the humor we should have all the time. How unrealistic, to expect that we should be “on” all the time, content with the world and everything around us each and every moment. We are complex creatures with a range of emotions for a reason. I may not want to celebrate feeling down, but it is a sobering reminder that I am human, after all.

Affirmation I will continue to be present and that means accepting my feelings as they come and go, even those that are less pleasant.

September 15

”A will finds a way.” Orson Svelt Marden

So many things in life are like a double-edged sword… the subject of will certainly is one of them for me. Trying to bend things to my will, well I have years of experience doing that, and more than ample examples of how my addict found a way, even against my better judgement. That was a total loss of will – me powerless and out-of-control. Recovery is showing me a new way, the will of the God of my understanding. It’s not all about me figuring out where my life is headed. It is about trusting in something bigger than me that knows better than I do what the future holds for me. It is opening myself up to the possibility that this “Other” wants the best for me and knows the way even though I probably cannot see it. It is faith become action that if I continue working my program, focus on me and what I can change, all the rest of the pieces are going to fall into place. It sounds a little crazy and too simple, yet it is working. Letting Go and Letting God has moved my life to such a better place than I ever thought possible. The program works if you work it!

Affirmation I am learning to let go to be open to the will of my Higher Power; it is a new and better way to live.

September 14

”Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” Omar Khayyam

It never ceases to amaze me how often I get the urge to simply stop and be. To take deep breaths and taste life in the air around me, to truly look at the world around me and see it as though it is the first time, to hear the music and rhythm in all the sounds that surround me. It is wonderful to be alive, to be content with who I am, as I am, and knowing that my Higher Power accepts me just as I am. There is so much freedom and power in no longer having to be someone or something for others. I am who I am, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, happy, angry, sad, joyful, rich, or poor. The direction of my life comes from the God of my understanding, my serenity, love strength and courage come from within and I feel better equipped to deal with life. Right here, right now, this very instant is the only time I have to work with…it is tiny, minute, yet contains infinite potential. I have wasted too many moments in acting out, in regret for the past or worry for the future. Instead I will just be present, living in the now and try to harness the amazing power that lies within the grasp of each precious moment.

Affirmation Stop. Listen. Taste. Touch. Breathe. Look. Be. It’s great to be alive!

September 13

”That which is worth doing is worth doing well.” Nicolas Poussin

Perfectionism has long been both one of my character defects and strengths. It is a strength in pushing myself to do my best. But in most cases it is a defect because it leads to the belief that only mine works and it prevents me from seeking advice or help. As I recognize this art of me coming into play I have to stop and question myself. How far do I need to go to have a workable solution that is “good enough?” Who can I ask or where can I turn for help? What purpose does this serve beyond my own satisfaction for a job well done? What am I sacrificing for the perfect answer? Looking to my Higher Power to help me let go of my defect and seeking His guidance to find a positive replacement will help me grow in many aspects of my life. Sometimes I lose sight of the goal while trying to nail down every detail or ignore valuable advice that can save me time and effort. I don’t have to do it all on my own or think my works is any less valuable because I had help. It is not that I need to settle for doing less than my best. On the contrary it is about doing my best without sacrificing time, energy and effort that I can use better on something else. When the task at hand is complete, maybe not perfectly, but certainly well enough, I can move on. Succumbing to my perfection prevents me from completing things and from moving forward.

Affirmation My best can be given without achieving perfection. I need to find balance to keep succeeding in many things.

September 12

”If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” Mother Theresa

I like to make an effort that has an easily measurable reward. Even better, is if there is enough effort to be worthy of recognition of others. Hmm, another character defect…seeking recognition for my efforts to feel validated by others, to let them define my sense of self-worth. This too is another place that can hold me back. So, I can’t go save a whole boatload of people, why should I bother helping someone cross the street? Oh I can’t afford a large donation to the local charity, so why drop a couple of dollars in the bucket for a good cause? Life is about what I can do and accepting it. So maybe for today I can only hold the door open for someone, smile at people as I greet them, or respect the speed limit and the rules of the road. My efforts most likely will go unnoticed by most of the world. So be it…but my Higher Power is watching. My authenticity today, being true to my values and beliefs, will give a reward later, when I least expect it. It is not about recognition from others anyways, it is about living with honesty and integrity. Being able to be comfortable in my own skin is worth more than any reward or compensation.

Affirmation I will be alright with what I can do today, for others and myself. Living to fulfill the will of my Higher Power will have its rewards in time.

September 11

”Don’t allow the grass to grow on the path of friendship.” Native American Proverb

Friends – here is another regret from my past. I have always complained that I have never had many. In retrospect, it was probably a lot of my own doing. True, I didn’t really fit in when I was younger, but I can’t honestly say that I didn’t find ways to isolate myself further. Fear of someone getting close, discovering my other life, certainly was cause enough to push people away. I encouraged grass to grow on my paths of friendship, no one was ever really allowed into my world. You would have needed a machete at least, most probably some heavy duty bush clearing machinery, to try to get to know the real me. So finding a group of like-minded individuals in the program, who shared openly and honestly about all aspects of life in addiction, was a game changer. What freedom the group offered, no longer did I have to hide that darker side of me. I have learned that through honesty I can make friends. I have gained confidence and trust that I can be myself the same way as I am in meetings outside the walls of our rooms. Today I am making slow progress in establishing new friendships, a skill that I had forgotten in my youth. It feels wonderful being able to connect to others and the world around me once again.

Affirmation I have the ability to turn anything in my life around. Through the steps I can turn isolation into friendship and fellowship.

September 10

”All the water in the world cannot drown you – unless it gets inside.” Mary Manin Boggs

Determining the sexual activities that I can keep in my life that are healthy has been a challenging endeavour. Working with my sponsor and filling out my circles has certainly helped to put things into perspective. All that groundwork has been useful in looking at sexual activities as I enter into a new relationship. I am able to recognize pitfalls and old behaviours, and be open and honest with my new partner. My sexual intimacy is deeper because of the knowledge and awareness I have gained through reading and internal reflection over the past months. It no longer has a stranglehold grip on my life, the compulsion has greatly diminished. I am able to let my partner set the tone and pace. I am able to set my own boundaries and respect those of my partner. This part of my life is being reintegrated in the whole me, rather than being the predominant aspect of my double life. I never expected to be able to experience a healthy sexual relationship again, not with myself and certainly not with someone else. The miracle of being where I am today has not escaped me and I am grateful to SAA for having guided me back to my Higher Power and this new life.

Affirmation I will find a healthy sexuality and be able to express it and share it with someone else.

September 9

”No matter who says what, you should accept it with a smile and do your own work.” Mother Theresa

There are days when I surprise myself in my actions. Like the other day when I received a rather lengthy diatribe from my spouse that was a release of anger, frustration, emotion and pain for all the ways I had done them and my family wrong while in my addiction. Somehow I managed to read it all, vent my frustration with other members, and then, after calming myself, replying with a simple and genuine “Thank You.” Those two words have so much meaning. I am grateful that the feelings were shared, grateful to be able to accept the parts that are true and let go of those that are not instead of creating resentments, and grateful to have insight into where my former partner is in their own life. Lastly it was yet another reminder of how much differently I live today than when I was under the influence of my addiction. The program has opened the doors back to the house of the God of my understanding. I have found peace and serenity within, I am continuously letting go of what I cannot control, living in the moment, and happily, in a place where I can truly say, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”

Affirmation Letting my Higher Power into my life brings me peace and serenity; from here I can face all the challenges of life with calmness and reason.