June 27

”We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.” Nelson Mandela

In my education of addiction, I have heard this disease referred to as an addiction of choice. That the chemical substance or behaviour affects those parts of the brain that control one’s ability to make choices, to recognize the consequences, and to attach proper emotions to our actions. As I believe this to be true, then it certainly sheds a new light on some of my past behaviours, especially the irrationality of many of the times when I acted out, especially those in times when things were going well in my life. Gaining sobriety and serenity in recovery allows me freedom from the pull of my addiction to start making different choices. I need that respite to break out of the automated responses that put my addiction first and foremost in importance for my survival. This is challenging to explain to others, the fact that my addiction has hijacked my brain’s normal order of the things that are important for me to stick around for the next 15 seconds, pushing my drug of choice to the top of the list. The 12-Steps are a path of new choices, a new power greater than myself that still allows me the freedom to make my own decisions and take appropriate action. Sobriety gives my brain the time to reset the equilibrium of the things that are most important such as food and shelter.

Affirmation In order for me to have the time to do what is right, I must put my program first. In finding serenity within the Steos, I will increase my capacity to make better choices.

June 20

”If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” J. M. Power

I can relate to feeling like I have only awoken since finding the 12-Steps and starting to come to terms with my addiction. Having lived under the influence of that obsessive and compulsive power for so many years, I was sleep-walking through life. It feels so much better to be taking a more active role in my life rather than submitting to an unknown and insatiable master. This is certainly one of the many places where my Higher Power differs greatly from the many false idols I have worshipped over the years. The God of my understanding does not try to control me, makes no demands, and is always present to support me through whatever happens. I know that this power greater than me genuinely cares, and is not selfish and self-centered like my addiction. I do feel like I have had a rebirth, been given a second chance at life. My continuing awareness allows me to connect with others, with the world around me, rather than trying to isolate and hide from everything and everyone. I am able to enjoy life and all its ups and downs, no longer content to walk around in the fog of addiction.

Affirmation I will redeem myself through my thoughts and actions today.  I will re-dream myself.

June 16

”Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.” Proverbs 12:19

This quote is interesting, but I can relate to it better if I think in an opposing sense. Telling the truth takes but a single time, but telling a lie often starts in motion a story that must be continued without end, compounding lie upon lie to maintain the original. So indeed, truthful lips endure forever, because what is said is believed and is accepted. The lying tongue however has its work cut out for it, as many more lies will need to be fabricated to continue keeping the truth hidden. Honesty is more than just telling the truth, it is also taking ownership of my deeds and confessing when I could easily omit letting others know what happened. The thing is, there are always at least 2 people who know anything that happens in my life, me and my Higher Power. So I really can’t say that no one else knows what has happened – the God of my understanding was right there with me.  Secrecy has been the cornerstone of my addictive behaviour. Opening the shutters and letting the light of the truth pierce the darkness has lifted the veil of lies I hid behind for all those years. I no longer need to exercise my lying tongue, I am content to tell the truth and give my mouth some rest.

Affirmation My shadow need not rule my life. Instead I can look towards the light instead of focusing on the deception that lies behind me.

June 14

”Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” Ephesians 4:26-27

Anger has been a challenging emotion to learn to handle appropriately. It has not been an easy task to accept anger as a welcome feeling. Yet I am learning that when something pushes against my values or beliefs, or threatens me or those close to me, then my anger can indeed be the right sentiment for the situation. However, feeling angry and acting out of or in anger is something else entirely. Letting anger cloud my actions is not a healthy choice. In those moments I act to hurt others, intentionally or not. Rather, I need to recognize my anger as a warning of a threat, but then step back and allow myself the time to process what is going on, calmly assess the situation and then decide how best to act. The Serenity Prayer is something that often helps me with this part. The simple task of determining what parts of the moment are within my control, and which are not, is usually enough to help calm the surge of anger. Reactions in the heat of the moment almost always make a situation worse, rather than better. In trying to give myself that pause, even for a few seconds, when my temper flares can go a long way to finding a peaceful resolution instead of adding fuel to fire.

Affirmation In my emotional maturity, recognizing feelings as a signal that something important is happening is an awareness that I do not have to simple react, but can reflect and then act.

June 13

”Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.” Robert Collier

Somewhere along the way in my growing up, my idea of success got skewed. It became something that I felt entitled to, and that should come pretty much instantaneously when I wanted it. It would not require any effort on my part or any commitment – it should simply fall out of the sky and into my lap. And I wonder why recovery was hard at first? The steps have shown me that true success, the kind that really means something and is worthwhile, doesn’t happen by magic. It comes from the endeavours that I fully engage in – body, mind, and soul. It happens through countless tasks, small achievements, temporary setbacks and even outright failures. It is a reward of perseverance and sticking to what I believe in. These days, success is not even about what I want. It is about the will of my Higher Power that I am constantly praying and meditating to discover and follow. I now trust that the God of my understanding will show me how best to serve, and that is the greatest success I could ever hope to achieve.

Affirmation It works if you work it, and I will never go wrong doing the will of my Higher Power.

June 9

”We teach others how to treat us.” Anonymous

I recall that from my early years I never really felt like I fit in, that I was never one of the crowd. In my teens I wrote a lot of poetry, and most of it was about my teen angst and depression. One poem that still comes easily to mind was titled Nobody, with one of the key lines being, “but who really cares about a nobody like me.” It’s only been in my recovery that I have begun to question how much of that attitude was deserved or received by others, and how much it was exactly what I wanted to project to keep others at a distance. Being alone, consider a loner, was certainly beneficial to my addiction that was laying its foundation in me in those years. Not having anyone that could get too close to me enable me to begin building my double-life. I used to blame it on my academics, but I think it was an aura that I was subconsciously emitting to push people away. This is a character defect that I am asking my Higher Power to help me with, to stop portraying the mask that I would rather be on my own, when the opposite is the truth. I know that I want and need closeness, real intimacy in my relations with my family, my friends and that special someone that I want to share my life with. I want to re-teach others how I want, and now know, that I deserve to be treated.

Affirmation I am gaining awareness of all the ways, obvious and subtle, that I have isolated myself from reality. God help me stay present and connected to life.

June 7

”The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” Robert Byrne

I’ve had to give myself a couple kicks lately to get out of the routine of just going about my daily business without much of a sense of purpose. Working to pay the bills and keep some financial stability is all well and good, but it’s neither fulfilling nor rewarding in of itself. One of the things I have been doing to try and change that has been starting and ending my day in prayer and meditation. The morning is about turning this day over to my Higher Power, asking to be able to see His will and to have the ability to carry it out. At the close of the day, I reflect on what I have accomplished, what I would like to improve, and take time to give thanks for some of the many blessings that I have in my life. Most days I still feel like I am floundering, not entirely certain what my Higher Powers purpose for me truly is. But I do know that as long as I keep working my program, and keep an open ear and open mind to the world around me, that I have a better chance of receiving His direction when it comes to me. And that is a much better purpose than many I have pursued in the past.

Affirmation If I seek the will of the God of my understanding through prayer and meditation, I know I will find it.

June 6

”Never fear shadows…that always means there is a light shining somewhere.” Jonathon Santos

One of the many challenges of recovery has been learning to accept myself. This is an acceptance of not just the good parts of me, but the whole of me - my addiction, my bad choices, my regrets and loss, as well as all of the more positive things. It is the combination of those things that make up who I am today, that have faced life’s challenges and allowed me to be where I am, right in this present moment. Acceptance does not mean that I have to be willing to keep these things with me for the rest of my life however. My past I can do nothing about, but I have the choice to decide what things I wish to bring with me into the future. I have the ability to change. This is a powerful realization, that I have the capacity to  move from being “holesome”, from having my negative behaviours and attitudes predominate my life, to being wholesome. I can choose to not let the past define me, but rather motivate me to be different and focus on the better aspects, and begin leaving my old behaviours and character defects behind. I can choose not to focus on the shadows of yesterday but look towards the light shining on my face.

Affirmation In the darkness of my life, let me find the strength to continue to move towards the light of my Higher Power and recovery.

3 June

”It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ursula K. LeGuin

Starting a new relationship has been the start of a new leg of my journey. This is a path where I could not imagine what the future would or could hold as it began. But as time goes on I am beginning to be able to see things I would like to see happen in the future. Yet I have to be cautious about focusing too much on the future as it can take me away from the present. A new romantic relationship is a complicated endeavour of its own accord. Add in children on both sides of the equation, and it quickly can seem overwhelming. It is taking a good deal of effort on my own part to continue living day by day, and keeping my awareness of all the people involved, not only my own selfish interests. I am grateful to be developing a relationship with a person who I am totally honest with, who supports me in my recovery and especially in my spirituality. I am thankful that my Higher Power has brought this person into my life and that I am working at growing a healthy connection with another person. All this change within from the steps has crossed boundaries in how I can tackle this new intimacy. The adventure awaits!

Affirmation There is much for me to learn in all that is new, and I will be willing to move slowly and enjoy the ride, rather than wanting to fast-forward to the ending.