March 31

"In the struggle between the stone and water, in time, the water wins.” Japanese Proverb

I  have been known to be resistant to change. I have been like the stone, rooted in place, firm, and unmoving. Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, these were my shell, my defense, my excuse to avoid change. Or, to even admit that there was a need for change in the first place.    That was then and this is now. The work I am doing in recovery, the path I am taking as I learn about and work the 12 Steps, continues to show me that I need to be open to change. I am spending time unlearning lessons from the past. I need to shed these old beliefs and habits so that I can make new for better, healthier ones.     I am less like the stone and now more fluid like the water. I see change happening around me and to me, and I am more accepting of it. I am learning to accept that life is not rigid, but ever-changing, and this is what is normal. I am no longer inclined to try to freeze things to satisfy the needs of my addiction.

Affirmation

Changes are a natural part of the world; today I shall work at being flexible like water and not rigid as stone.

March 30

"I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.” Duke Ellington

I find this a fascinating concept - taking the energy that I might use to pout (or worry, or complain, or whatever else) and then use that to fuel an activity which is more productive. In fact, upon reflection, that is often the case when I write, especially these meditations. I was searching for a quote about grey skies when the above quote presented itself - why you may ask? Well, because I am currently feeling a little blue myself.      Yet in spite of that feeling, I am channeling the energy into something creative. Using this space, the medium, to work through those grey feelings. I very often do not know what direction my writing will take me, but I have gained faith that this is a healthy tool of my recovery, and that my Higher Power has a strong hand in guiding the words that will fall onto the page. More often than not, the words have served as reminder to me months or even years later. There's little denying a divine purpose when these moments occur.     Even better, although only minutes have passed since I began to write this meditation, I can already feel my attitude and state of being changing. I am more positive, I have a small sense of accomplishment of having created something useful. There is also a certain sense of victory for having faced my feelings but also having dealt with them in a constructive fashion. Just another step of progress along the winding road of recovery.

Affirmation

I can channel my negative energies into something positive, make a concerted effort to create something good out of them.

March 29

"But fear is an incompetent teacher...to be alive is a responsibility as well as a right.” Patrick Stewart

I've heard the mantra in the program than pain is a teacher. I think that is a more valuable assessment, so I agree with the actor's statement as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, fear is not a great teacher. Fear has taught me to hide, to cower, to run away from adversity and difficult. Pain used to teach me the same thing, but only because I turned to the compulsive and obsessive behaviours and acts of my addiction. In recovery, pain is a signal that there is something going on that I need to pay attention to, that this is an opportunity for growth and change, not something that I from which I need to escape.      I have been given this life, for a reason, I have a purpose. I have both a responsibility, and the right, to use the talents, skills, and abilities that I possess, to live the best and most productive life that I can. My addictive past was selfish and self-centered. My life in recovery, while taking care of myself may be seen as a selfish act, is all about widening my horizons so that I am an active part of my community and the world. It is about being the best me I can in order to give service to others.     I still face fear and pain. I still have regret, shame and guilt. Yet these are no longer the dominating emotions in my world. Rather, I am able to focus on the hope, joy, serenity and beauty in the world. I am maturing, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even in my relationships. I am more connected to myself, more in harmony between my thoughts, words, and actions.

Affirmation

I will be open to the signs of fear and pain in my life today and look for the opportunities within them for growth and development.

March 28

"I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” Alyson Noel

Some days are easier than others. There are days where it's easy to focus on the present moment and all the gifts that have been offered to me. And there are others, like today, the evoke a strong sense of loss for something that is missing in my life, or something that was not meant to be. That hole can be quite gaping indeed.      I used to want to run away and hide on days like this, like a turtle withdrawn into the protection of its shell. Simply to await the passing of hours into the next day so that all the bad thoughts and feelings might fade with the closing of the day. I have changed my approach, most times I surge into these moments of grief and loss to confront the feelings that I find. It's time for me to reflect, to write, and even to cry. But that's alright, this is normal. I am allowed to feel sadness, hurt, and loss. It's just part of being human.      What has made the difference? Mostly the fact that I know that I am not alone. I know in these times to reach out for support even more than I may normally need. I know to be gentle, and to give myself the time and space needed to process my emotions. Grief is no longer a tidal wave to crash into me and take me off solid ground. Yes the waves are still coming, but it's okay to get wet. True grief is only I sign that I have truly loved. And that is a blessing I shall always cherish.

Affirmation

Grief and sorrow are but a season, but one that I can face with the support of friends and family.

March 27

”Life has no limitations, except the ones you make.” Les Brown

I've been accused of being a manipulative individual, of using people to meet my own needs. While there is some truth to this, I am coming to see that it was me who was manipulated first and foremost by my addiction. Those compulsions and obsessions, the warping of my perspective of reality, these are what led to to believe in that false idol and all its empty promises. My thoughts and actions became twisted and tainted by the desires of my addict, that only sought to fulfill its own needs, at the expense of everything else, including eventually my own well-being. My addict was not a helpful symbiotic presence, but a parasitic one, devouring its own host for survival. Life in addiction had limitations, because for the most part, the addict was controlling the strings. Life in recovery is returning control to me. In turn, I am making the conscious choice to turn my will over the the care of a loving, protective, and helpful God of my understanding. This is a path without limits, without bounds, with an endless horizon of possibilities and opportunities.  Yet I can still feel like life is not limitless, I can fall back into the grasps of my addictive "stinking thinking that I am less than, not worthy, or any of the other put-downs that used to hold me prisoner. I am loved and lovable. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I have a purpose. I matter. There are no obstacles that I cannot overcome.

Affirmation

Through turning my will over to my Higher Power today I shall reach further, climb higher, and be the best me that I am able.

March 26

”We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon." Franklin D. Roosevelt

When I look back at the years spent in the depths of my addiction, I find it hard to find any worthwhile goals or accomplishments that my addict was striving for. Rather, that period was really on focused on pleasure for pleasure's sake, for feeding the insatiable desires of my addiction. Anything outside of that was merely there to support the ability to continuing acting out.      My horizons have opened now that I am in recovery. My program has granted me the clarity to see through the fog of addiction and realize that the world has so much more to offer. Even better, that there are many better ways for me to participate in this life and to use my skills and talents for the betterment of those around me.      As a child I grew up with the belief that my parents wanted a better life for me than they experienced themselves. And as a parent myself, I believe the same, and that I would like to leave the world a better place than I found it. Through my new-found awareness and sense of responsibility, I have hope that the future will indeed be brighter.

Affirmation

I can look to the future and the improvements that I hope and dream for, that my Higher Power has laid before me.

March 25

”Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action.” Walter Anderson

Feeling anxious is a normal part of me. It happens most often when I am confronted with the unknown, when the future is uncertain. It is my worries about the future, about things to come.     In the past, anxiety was one of the driving forces for turning to my addiction to cope. In recovery, I am learning that there are different avenues for me to take. Probably the most effective tools for me in times of uncertainty are the Serenity Prayer and Step Three. From the Serenity Prayer, recognizing the things I cannot change, often the seeds of my worries, and focusing on what I can, helps to ground me in the present moment. And from Step Three, opening myself to the will of my Higher Power, is about trusting in His plan, and that everything is going to work itself out in the end.      These are simple actions I can take. Moreover, focusing on the routine of my day, taking care of the things that need to be done, also is a healthy distraction from my anxiety. I need to look after myself and my basic needs and fulfill my responsibilities to my family, my work, etc. As the saying goes, this too shall pass.

Affirmation

I will take the actions necessary to progress through today, even if I am feeling anxious or worried.

March 24

”We don't heal in isolation, but in community.” S. Kelley Harrell

Strange times, strange times indeed. The world today feels like it is collapsing inward. Self-isolation is the buzzword in every heart. As an addict, I have a love/hate relationship with isolation. My addict craved isolation, sought excuse after excuse to get those moments alone where it could be satisfied. And in early recovery I feared isolation, afraid to give that space for my addiction to increase it's tendrils of temptation. Thankfully I have a foundation of recovery, and a community that is a large part of that. It involves my sponsor, sponsees and fellow brothers and sisters in the program. It has expanded to include family and close friends, and I know I am not alone, not on my own to fight the daily battle to remain safe and sober. I am grateful for the 12 Steps and the guidance they have provided to lead me back to serenity and sanity. I have found an inner strength which has sprung forth from the depths of my pain and suffering. So I no longer fear isolation as I once did, for I have a strong network of support to keep me on the path of recovery.

Affirmation

I will take measures to ensure I am not isolating myself today, and reach out to someone who is there to support me and my recovery.