September 30

”Service is the rent we pay to be living. It is the very purpose of life and not something to do in your spare time.” Marian Wright Edelman

I know for a fact that most of my life has been spent wondering how I can get what I want. It centered on looking to get what I felt I deserved or what was owed to me. It was certainly not focused on what I had to give, on how I was able to share of myself with others. No, I was very self-centered and concerned first and foremost with my own needs. The thing is, I am not more important that anyone else in this world. The universe does not owe me what I want or desire. My Higher Power certainly has a plan for my life, but it’s not to hand over everything I ask for on a silver platter. Recovery is teaching me that my life is meant to be about service, about looking at what I can do for others. The culmination of the Steps is the 12th, focused on “carrying the message to others” – in other words being of service. I was privileged enough to get a second chance, which obligates me to spread the word and find ways to help others have the same opportunity. Service, like working my program, is not something I do like a job from 9-5, but needs to integrate into the new person I have become.

Affirmation I will seek ways to serve others today, whether in relation to my 12-Step work, or simply as another human being, here to share my talents with those around me.

September 29

”To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” Clara Ortega

My father has always tried to impress the importance of family on me and my sister. I remember from an early age his advice to keep my relationship healthy and vibrant with her, as at some point she will be the only family I have left. I didn’t think much about it as a child, the idea that my parents would one day be gone from my life was not something I could understand. As I grew older, and began a family of my own, the words of my father began to make more sense and take hold in my life. Yet, in the midst of my illness, my family too suffered as I isolated myself from them, their love, care and guidance, just like I din from everyone else who mattered. Thankfully some bridges can be repaired, and my relationship with my family is much strong in my recovery than it has been in quite some time. A blessing, and sometimes a curse, as no one else understands me quite the same way they do. Family is a critical part of my outer circle, a place where I need to make amends for the past, but also a place of support and caring. It is the foundation of my world, the birthplace of my morals and values, and an integral part of my emotional maturity. Indeed, there is no place like home.

Affirmation There are certain people in my life who are important to my recovery. I will make time for them today to connect and maintain the relationship to support my growth.

September 28

”Difficulties increase the nearer we get to the goal.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sometimes I feel like this is a test, that the closer I come to achieving something worthwhile, the more obstacles are thrown in my way. I’ve had good friends comment, on more than one occasion, that if there was the most difficult path to take to get through any given situation, well, then I would be the one to take it. Maybe it is the case, maybe it’s only my perception, or maybe those challenges are put before me to test my resolve, as well as to teach me something along the way. I saw another saying recently along the same lines that I think fits here, “The couples that are meant to be together are the ones who go through everything that’s designed to tear them apart and come out even stronger.” Yup, life can be like that some times. What I was missing before was a strong foundation, that belief in my Higher Power that I could overcome all those hard times, and grow as a result. Life is an uphill climb most of the time, and I was ill-equipped to handle the stress, and so relied too heavily on my addiction to try and pull me through. The thing is, the goals I seek are worth getting to, and there’s not really another way than crawling through the mud sometimes to get to the finish line. I need to trust that the God of my understanding has given me the tools I need to succeed, that He wants me to achieve my aspirations, and that He is there with me the whole time, cheering for my team to win.

Affirmation I do believe that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I will face the challenges placed before me today and I will overcome them through faith.

September 27

”When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” John M. Richardson, Jr.

The future, a topic that used to be focused only on fulfilling the needs of my addiction. How to get my next high, what fantasy to chase, or what thrill to seek. It was obsessed on that solitary topic to the exclusion of everything else, so it a more realistic way, I often found myself in that state of “wondering what had happened.” Because life is more complicated and full of variety that my one-track mind. I missed 99% of what was going on around me, so no wonder I felt dazed and confused when life caught up to me in those moments when I wasn’t engrossed in my other life. Since finding the 12-Steps, my life centers more on a combination of letting the future happen and making it happen. My true concern is the present, the place where I do have some control and the ability to effect change. Working the steps and practicing my tools lays the groundwork for a better future. I am making healthier choices and I am becoming more aware of the impact of my actions in my life. I am more consciously connected to the world around me.

Affirmation Life has an abundance of experiences waiting for me. Today I will accept the multitude of events I encounter to lead a broader, fuller, more connected life.

September 25

”If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day.” Alex Noble

One thing that is certainly true in my journey of recovery is that my definition of success has changed dramatically. It is so much less about obtaining material things or recognition as it is about having stayed true to my program. Success is now a measure of living by my circles, respecting my boundaries, and working the steps. One of the best ways to recognize this in my daily activities is to look at the ways I have been of service. Whether in my personal life or my professional life, having performed for others, having given freely of myself, is certainly a sign of a healthier way of living. Working for others, for their betterment, also is a boon to my own progress. I gain as much or more by sharing my talents and knowledge with others, and have a truer sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Living like this makes me feel life is more real and that is certainly a good thing.

Affirmation Success is not defined by the size of my bank account or the number of acquaintances I have. True success is measure by the contributions I make in improving the world I live in, one small step at a time.

September 23

”He who angers you conquers you.” Elizabeth Kenny

It’s been an interesting turn as I realize that when I am upset, frustrated or angry that I am giving away my power, my serenity, to the thing or person that is causing me the grief. I am willingly allowing that external source to control how I feel, how I act and how I react. And it’s my choice to do so. So therefore it can also be my choice not to either. Life is not always fair, others do not always act in ways that are just, reasonable or respectful. Most of the time there is nothing I can do about it either. I don’t have to enjoy or like these situations, but I also don’t have to let them get under my skin. I always have the option to continue to take the higher road, to live by my own examples and morals, and to treat others as I would like to be treated, especially when I know the same kindness would not be returned to me. I am not going to please everyone. Probably not even most. But that is not my goal, which is to be true to myself, to be open to the will of my Higher Power and to follow His guidance. The trivial things of the everyday world around me pale in comparison to my true path, so I need to focus on doing the right things, no matter the circumstances around me.

Affirmation I will recognise when I am angry and frustrated and look to let go and instead put those feelings aside and treat others better than they treat me.

September 18

”Great tranquility of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame.” Thomas Kempis

When I think of serenity, the picture that comes to mind is that of looking at a lake, just as the sun rises, on a windless day, where the water glows like a sheet of glass in the warm golden glow of the sun. Nothing disturbs its surface; it is perfectly still and balanced. It is this state of calmness I seek in my meditation, to be at rest, to be a center of tranquility in the midst of the perturbations of the world around me. To be at peace with myself, to have my thoughts, actions and emotions in harmony and balance. It is the moments of recognizing all that is happening around me, but being aware that I have to do nothing more than notice, no further action on my part is required. This practice has helped me enormously deal with my cravings and the pull of my addiction. It has taught me to be aware of my triggers, to recognize them and to be able to say to my addict “Oh, that’s nice, but I am not interested” and let the thought pass right on by, and then continue on with whatever it was I was doing.

Affirmation I am amazed by the freedom I have gained by increasing my self-awareness. Finding my peace within has enabled me to keep the chaos of addiction away.

September 16

”One of the true tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency.” Arnold Glasow

I can certainly see how the idea of this quote also applies to my recovery, especially in how I deal with stress. My method of the past was to bury it, hide from it, stuff it under the rug or run away. Anything and everything to avoid dealing with it. And the problem was that it simply backed up and backed up until there was no room left to hide or run from it and it washed over me in a deluge. All the little things became so huge that it was an emergency. So stress management is a crucial part of my healing process. Being able to deal with situations as they happen, or shortly thereafter, allows me to live without accumulating all the baggage that I used to carry around with me. This increased awareness of how I am feeling, how I am stressing, allows me to confront problems before they grow into emergencies. My addict thrived on stress. So if I tackle nothing else each day but dealing with life events that occur around me, I am more able to keep my craving and pull to my addiction at bay. Living a simpler life and being present throughout the day are great treasures that also protect my serenity and sobriety.

Affirmation Stress happens - it’s a normal part of being human. Running or hiding does not deal with it though, so today I will work through the events that occur, facing forward.

September 12

”Our only security is our ability to change.” John Lilly

I’ve never really equated change to a sense of security. I think I feel more insecure in periods of change, more apt to uncertainty of what will come to pass. I know the stress of change was one of my triggers of the past. I do see that this perception has been changing though. I realize that I am becoming a living model of the Serenity Prayer, and more accepting of the things I cannot change. One of those is certainly the fact that things are always changing around me. So in a way, realizing there is change is a good thing. Because, in comparison, living in addiction was a life of stagnation. There was no real change – it was the same thing, day in, day out. Maybe the flavour, or the amount of time spent, or some other factor was a little different, but there wasn’t any real diversity in my life. I guess that means that I can now see security in my ability to change, that it reflects the fact that I am healthier and more actively participating in life, rather than trying to freeze-frame moments as I used to do. Change is good, I don’t have to look back to far to see the proof of that in my own life.

Affirmation Life is a cycle of changes, and I am a part of that process. Being involved is healthy and normal.

September 7

”Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” Tom Robbins

I strongly believe that when a situation deteriorates to the point where lawyers and judges are required to determine an outcome that no one really wins. Everyone involved pays a price for the decision, and the best possible solution is never achieved. And I think that this happens when at least one party is not able to look beyond their own self interests. So my own struggle through divorce and custody has been rocky to say the least. I am continuously trying to keep the best interests of my children in focus, even though there is a lot of hostility, anger and disrespect displayed towards me. I pray a lot for everyone involved, even the opposing party, because all this conflict hurts everyone, and certainly the children. It’s hard trying to know what the best decisions are, when my ability to communicate with someone is basically impossible. Co-parenting only works if both sides are willing to make the effort to put the personal pain aside and work for the interest of the kids. And I certainly cannot force anyone to cooperate. In the end, I have to continue doing what I feel is right, and keep loving my children.

Affirmation Sometimes no one wins. God grant me the strength to continue making the best decisions in the face of adversity.

September 5

”It's better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.” Jackie Joyner Kersee

I really have a hard time in situations where I don’t know what is going to happen. A little bit of good news tends to make me overly happy and positive about the outcome. A bit of bad news has the tendency to completely deflate my mood and outlook. Finding some middle ground between the two is a real struggle. Thankfully, I am aware of my behaviours in these situations. And, rather than escaping as I would have in the past, I am gaining the ability to sit with my emotions, to talk about them with others, and to pray for guidance on how to move forward. These are things I can do to take care of myself, to prepare for whatever may come, and to ready myself for the results. Letting go and letting the will of my Higher Power come to pass takes a great deal of patience and faith. Surrendering means not being stuck on having things turn out the way I want but trusting that they will work out as God has planned. But in the end, I need to maintain my sanity by focusing on whatever is in my control and finding acceptance for the rest.

Affirmation I will pray for my Higher Power’s support when I find myself in a challenging spot today, and trust in the guidance to lead me in the right direction.

September 3

”You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.” Beverly Sills

Most people don’t like failure. The addict in me is scared to death of failure. It’s one of my biggest reasons to want to run away from the possibility and pain of making a mistake, of looking like a fool, of not living up to everyone else’s standards. So there are times in my life where I have regrets because I chose not to act, not to face the potential of falling flat on my face. There is also a lot of shame from the times where I did try and failed, and then refused to try again. My life is not meant to be lived for others; my success is not determined by what others think of me or how they perceive me. I know today that my worth is determined by how well I seek to do the will of my Higher Power. I am not in competition with anyone. I am far from perfect. I am permitted to make mistakes. In fact, I think I would even say I am encouraged to make mistakes. It is how I am learning to do things differently. Giving up is rarely an option. I no longer seek to bury my head in the sand. Living means participating, trying new things, and sometimes falling flat on my face. Through my Higher Power I have the courage to get back on my feet and give it another go.

Affirmation Disappointment is more about how others perceive me that about who I am. There is no shame in trying and not succeeding, as long as I continue to try again.

September 2

”God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.” J. G. Holland

The 3rd Step is about our willingness to let the God of our understanding show us a better way, an openness to seek to do His will rather than to be controlling everything on our own. This letting go and surrender of the direction of our life doesn’t leave us to simply be a passenger on the bus our Higher Power is driving. While we ask for guidance, we still have our part to play in fulfilling those goals set before us. It’s true for me that I have learned to turn things over to my Higher Power. But that means letting go of those things and people over which I have no control. There is still work for me to do to uphold my own responsibility. I am still required to continue working on myself in overcoming my shortcomings, in sharing my talents and in realizing the goals set before me. Prayer and meditation are the tools for me to seek out the will of my Higher Power. I need to learn patience and understanding to see the goal I am being led towards, the destination that I usually don’t arrive at via the path I was expecting. It takes a lot of faith and courage to allow life to unfold as it should rather than trying to manipulate and bend it to my own will. Yet the end result is always better, and I am more serene during the trip.

Affirmation I realize things will not often come to me when or how I want, but with work, perseverance and faith in my Higher Power, they will come to fruition.