October 31

”Affliction is often that thing which prepares an ordinary person for some sort of an extraordinary destiny.” CS Lewis

I am learning a good deal about the hero’s journey, a common theme in literature where someone “normal” is pushed into a great adventure, usually after suffering a tragic loss of some kind. I do agree with Mr. Lewis that affliction is often a catalyst for change, for an undertaking of significant magnitude that often escapes someone at the start of the journey. My path into recovery is certainly a very personal example that only arose from tragedy. Along this path I have had tasks to face to confront my fears, acknowledge my weakness and to solidify my strengths. I have met wise advisors, and enemies along the way who have attempted to thwart my progress. Through it all, however, I have had to make many hard choices to continue following the right path. I know I am not yet at the end of this adventure, nor am I certain what the goal or treasure I seek to attain may be when I reach the destination. I do, however, have faith that there is a greater purpose for the road I am following and that the reward is worth the strife I face along the way.

Affirmation I recognize pain and suffering as teachers, as motivation for change and movement to a new and better direction of my life.

October 30

”Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

I think this idea sums up a good portion of the aim of my recovery, the process through which I will restore my character. While I am not so certain that I was obsessed about my reputation during my active addiction, I was definitely not doing much to build my character. If anything I was acting like a bunch of different characters, but they were mainly facades. The 4th and 5th Steps have been key components to the restoration of my integrity, values and morals. Taking my inventory, fearlessly, and putting my life under a microscope has helped me see in clearer detail all my strengths and weaknesses. This introspection helped lay a foundation for me to start laying down the new framework for the person I want to be. Steps 8 and 9 are a continuation of the process. For me it is taking my recovery work beyond myself, and out into the surrounding area where my actions and behaviours harmed others. In humbling myself to face those who I have hurt, to express my regret in having treated them as I did, and seeking to make amends, I also strengthen my character. These are positive steps to reinforcing the person I want to be in recovery, and in life.

Affirmation In following the Steps, I will work towards rebuilding and strengthening my character, one block at a time.

October 29

”The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is insincerity.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

There have been a number of occasions where the consequences of my actions that finally caught up with me, or that I finally had the courage to face. One of the saving graces, a lesson learned from the 12 Steps, has been to be honest. Being frank and open about situations has certainly improved the outcome of many of these encounters. Not that it has been easy. Admitting even parts of my issues and past behaviours can be daunting. However, I thank my groups for having given me a place where each week I can bare my soul, and I attribute the practice of this sharing in such a safe environment for giving me the courage to do so in the real world. Overcoming my past behaviours of lying and insincerity has been a lot of work. But I have many opportunities each day to practice living with integrity and honesty. Telling the truth, being truly sincere, might be harder in the short-term, but it does not require the long-term upkeep that my webs of lies used to. And that in itself is a great freedom.

Affirmation Sincerity and open, honest communications are a required part of the foundation of my recovery, and for rebuilding trust and relationships.

October 27

”God may be subtle, but he isn’t plain mean.” Albert Einstein

I don’t believe my Higher Power is mean or that it’s His will for me to have a life of only difficulty and struggle. People, though, I am less certain about. Knowing how I was in my active addiction, when I was the furthest from the will of the God of my understanding, I know I was not the nicest person to those around me. And even though I thought I was being subtle in most cases, in retrospect many of my actions were pretty deliberate and blatant. Part of me is glad to acknowledge that when I open myself up to following the way laid before me by my spiritual guide that life is better. I still face challenges, to be certain, but I am less worried about making it through. Knowing I have this power behind me helps me when the challenges I face are created by other people, and helps me not to blame either them or God for difficulties that confront me. I still have moments when I want to be in charge, would prefer that things went my way, or simply lack the faith to fully trust my Higher Power. Yet I know that it is the better, healthier way, as surrendering has made the biggest impact in my life. I know all too well that I haven’t done such a great job in directing my life on my own to this point. Maybe letting the man upstairs take the wheel is not such a bad idea after all.

Affirmation Bad things will happen in my life, but I can trust my Higher Power that I will make it through as long as I continue to follow his direction.

October 26

”Just because someone has a lot to teach us doesn't mean we like them.  People who have the most to teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits to our own capacity to love, those who consciously or unconsciously challenge our fearful positions.  They show us our walls.” Marianne Williamson

I’d actually go a step further, and suggest that the people who have the most to teach me are the ones I like the least. This is mostly due to the fact that they see through me defenses and persist in challenging me to confront myself and my real issues. They are not willing to put up with my BS, they are genuinely interested in helping me get better Maybe I am being a bit too hard on these folks. It’s true in the beginning that I dislike them, but as I face my fears, confront the challenges, and allow myself to hear and respond to their criticism, I have learned to appreciate and respect them. I have certainly needed tough love like this to make it through various stages of my life, and certainly my recovery. The walls of my defenses were built to protect me when I didn’t know how to handle life differently. Now that I am learning new methods of coping with the stresses of life, the pain of emotional conflict, and my addiction, the walls are coming down, brick by brick.

Affirmation I am grateful for those people who are willing to tell me like it is and push me to confront my problems. Recovery is tough, and tough love is required.

October 22

”Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” Zig Ziglar

One of my personal triggers is travel. Being away from the familiar increases my stress because I feel less secure, more uncomfortable, and do not relish being alone. It is that fear of being along that comes out the strongest. I think that is from years of my acting out where all that activity kept me from spending quiet moments with myself where I could hear my internal thoughts which would have led to me seeing the conflict my actions were creating. I had to keep busy, keep making noise, so that those thoughts of wrongness would not escape the chaos and register in my head. Life is indeed a journey. I cannot go back to those earlier years and take the time to slow down and listen to the turmoil I was creating and choose to instead listen. I can choose, however, to listen to those thoughts and feelings now, to recognize the moments of discomfort when life feels incongruous. These are times where I need to pay closer attention and check if my thoughts, words and actions are aligned.

Affirmation In denying parts of myself, in avoiding listening fully to how I feel, I cut out important parts of my being. I will find time today to sit quietly and pay attention to my inner monologue.

October 21

”What makes the pain we feel from shame and jealousy so cutting is that vanity can give us no assistance in bearing them.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Shame, jealousy, guilt – these are feelings that work against my sense of pride, accomplishment and self-worth. They are not character aspects I can flaunt to make myself feel good, to show that I am better than someone else. Rather they deflate me, and turn me away from others. Yet there is a healthy way to deal with these negative emotions. Rather than burying them, or trying to run away, I can speak about them and share them with those who support me. In bringing them out into the open, I expose them for what they are, but also start to give up the power and control they have over me. It is letting them go that I can move away from their influence. Shame, jealousy, guilt – yes there are times when things I or others do bring about these feelings. But like all emotions, these are just a warning sign to recognize what is happening. I don’t need to react as a result, but I can sit with the feeling, explore the root cause, and choose to acknowledge where I am but still move forward. I need not fall into despair, depression or isolation. There is another way to go, and I need to be honest and talk with someone about where I am.

Affirmation I will not be afraid of my feelings of shame, guilt or jealousy today. If I find myself confronted by them, I will choose to share them with someone who supports me.

October 19

”Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I am beginning to see the challenges, obstacles and difficulties of life in a new perspective. I used to complain a great deal about life being hard, about the fact if there was a most complicated and convoluted way to get through a situation, I would be sure to find it. I thought life was supposed to be easier, and was constantly seeking a time when it would be normal, without disaster after disaster. Now I am realizing that maybe this life is meant to be hard. That the mountains I encounter are meant to teach me something, to help me grow, to give me strength. Perhaps even to humble me, and make me realize that I cannot succeed in this life on my own, without my Higher Power to help me. So I find myself opening up to embrace the challenges. I have always had the belief that God never gives us more than we can handle. So when I feel overwhelmed, it’s the time to ask for His help to go through it. And I can be grateful for those times of difficulty and see them as a sign that the God of my understanding has the faith in me that I come out the other side of the storm.

Affirmation If life is an uphill climb, I will but on my boots and tackle the mountain before me. I will be better for facing the challenge rather than looking for an easier, softer way.

October 18

”Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

I’ve made mistakes, as many as anyone, probably more. I have hurt myself, my family, friends, colleagues, and even complete strangers. I have done many things I am not proud of, that I would gladly take back if I could, but I cannot change the past as much as I would like to be able to. What I have within my control is today. Yes, there is a past that brought me here, but it need not be the over-riding force that guides my actions. I have a choice, each and every moment of the day, to do things different and work toward a new ending, rather than the one my addiction has in mind. The key for me to stay in the present is to work at letting go. Surrendering to my Higher Power, to my program, and to recovery means that I have to move beyond my past. I have to leave those things that weigh me down behind, where they happened and are meant to stay, and look at what I can do now to change and make improvements. Change happens the moment I decide to embrace it and take action.

Affirmation I will live for the present today, accepting the gift I have to make new choices and to move in a new direction.

October 16

”Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I firmly believe that addiction, and I include all types in my definition, is a disease of choice. That my uncontrollable and unmanageable craving is caused by an illness that affects my ability to make rational decisions, and which circumvents my capacity to recognize the consequences of my actions. Having come to this belief has also increased my fear of being able to make good choices in my recovery. The problem is that life is full of choices. In fact, it’s probably what we spend most of our time doing, from the very simple tasks of taking care of ourselves, our surroundings, or doing our job, to the larger choices of setting goals, working towards dreams, etc. So I suppose it should come as no surprise that there are times when I shy away from making choices. As Patrick Carnes points out in his Recovery Zone series, decisions come at the cost of some sort of loss, something is cut away as the origin of the word suggests. Deciding to eat healthier means giving up some of my comfort foods. Deciding to exercise means giving up some time lazing around doing nothing. Deciding to be in recovery means having the willingness to cut out my addict. All these decisions come at a cost. The problem is, the decisions have to be made, the price paid, in order for me to move on. And this can be why it seems hard to make choices, especially the right ones.

Affirmation Decisions are a part of my life. While the cost of a choice might seem steep right now, chances are the long term effects will more than offset the price I will pay.

October 15

”One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” Bryant McGill

Communication has been somewhat of a troublesome area for me in my life. My addict has learned too well to hear only what it wants to hear, to filter out what it doesn’t and to only provide enough truth to make people stop asking questions and go away. Sad, but unfortunately very true. Needless to say, communication has been an integral piece of my recovery as well. Good communication now has to start with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This means from everything I try to tell myself before I even begin working on dealing with other people, or even my Higher Power. However, given the Master’s degree in deceit and deception I have ungraciously earned over the past decades, words are not sufficient. What I say needs to be followed, pretty well immediately, by actions that support them and demonstrate that they are truly meant. The other side is that I need to listen to others, to honestly take the time to hear people out, let them express their feelings and opinions, and reflect that I have heard and understood. Stopping to let others be heard is a critical part of sharing messages that are actually received and helps to avoid disagreements and conflicts.

Affirmation Learning to communicate better can go a long way to rebuilding trust and respect with those around me.

October 7

”What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” T. S. Eliot

Nature is a wonderful teacher. The seasons are just one example that shows us the cycle of life, full of beginnings and endings. As autumn is in full swing, I have realized that even in an ending, there is beauty to be found. It is giving me a new perspective on chapters of my life that have come to a close. In my work, the end of a project is also a time for reflection and evaluation. It is an opportunity to look at what happened compared to what was planned, and to see what lessons can be learned for the future. It is a time to recognize the things that went well, what was overlooked, and mistakes that were made in order to have the chance to make things even better the next time. It`s important for me to do this in my personal life as well. As I move on to new adventures, it is useful to take the time to reflect on the period that has finished. Introspection is a healthy part of my recovery, and recognizing strengths and weakness is an integral part of my step work. These moments are needed for my continued growth.

Affirmation In endings I will find beginnings, and the lessons I have learned are important reminders to help lay the foundation for my new plans and goals.

October 3

” A bump in the road is either an obstacle to be fought or an opportunity to be enjoyed... it is all up to you.” Anonymous

I wish I could get to the point where things are just bumps in the road. Lately it seems my obstacles are either road blocks or sinkholes that come seemingly out of nowhere. The rest of the quote does have a lot of merit though. I still have the choice to fight, or to find the opportunity in the situation. Both are always there, but not necessarily easy to find. I am grateful that, by the grace of my Higher Power, I have a more solid foundation under my feet and I am able to evaluate these tough times. There are obstacles I need to fight, to defend my values and morals or to protect those close to me. And there are others that I need to dig through all the bad parts to find the opportunity. Thankfully I feel confident that I can take the time, seek advice or whatever else I need to move through the situation. Attitude is a big part of my recovery. I have consciously made choices to stick to the high road in dealing with conflicts that have arisen with people I hurt through my past actions who have reacted in anger or from pain. I have found other ways to let go of my own frustrations through writing, meditation, prayer and regular contact with my sponsor and fellow members. I am a changed person and am glad to be able to live this new life each day.

Affirmation It’s true that this too will pass, and I will gain the tools to help me make it through and hopefully learn something along the way by working my program.

October 1

”When the rock is hard, we get harder than the rock. When the job is tough, we get tougher than the job.” George Cullem, Sr.

Too much of my life has been spent looking for the easier way out. I guess that made me a prime target for becoming an addict. Although I only identify with one major category, my one vice that I turned to without fail to cope and survive, I know better that my addictive personality has a broader scope. I recognize now many other ways were I escaped, be it food, video games, volunteering – I was able to take other things to an extreme to deal with my emotions. Life has not gotten any easier in recovery. In fact, in most aspects it has gotten harder. Becoming responsible, facing the consequences of my actions, and taking life as it comes is hard work. Even harder without the ability to resort to my tried and true methods of handling stress. But in spite of the negative, I am aware that my life is more authentic. I am more real, honest and connected than I have been in years. The challenges are hard, but the feeling of overcoming them more than compensates for the difficulties. I have a renewed strength and drive to tackle the problems that come my way rather than cower and hide like I used to. Life is meant to be lived, not watched from the shadows.

Affirmation I have confidence in facing today’s challenges, knowing I can make it through with the support of my Higher Power.