November 17

”Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of a greater or equal benefit.” Napoleon Hill

I find the word adversity used quite often in self-help materials, so I finally decided to look it up in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines it as “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.” I would say that more often I feel people equate it with a challenge or struggle, rather than such a dire circumstance as the definition leads me to believe it is meant to be used. Definition aside, I am coming to see the patterns in my life, particularly in recovery, where my most difficult periods have led to my biggest rewards. Even though that may be the case, it is often little consolation when I am struggling with an unpleasant situation. Like many things, those tough times can only be viewed as the start of a change towards something better in retrospect. So where does that leave me? Well the saying “This too shall pass” comes to mind. I do trust that my Higher Power is there with me, helping me to get through the storm and out the other side. I just have to keep my faith, keep persevering, continue putting one foot in front of the other and I will get where I am supposed to be going.

Affirmation

Life is a mixture of good times and bad, and the challenging times are opportunities for me to mature and grow.

March 17

”Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw

I remember seeing this quote around the time I started my first “real” job after university. I recall thinking that I was going to enter a workplace with a rigid structure, with set principles and practices, but that I wasn’t going to let them “break me.” By that I meant that the environment and rules wouldn’t stop me from challenging the status quo, or from looking at new or better ways to do things. After more than a decade, I think I have still managed to keep the attitude, with maybe a little more tamed enthusiasm after coming to terms with the corporate mentality and reality that change tends to be slow. I have still had and taken the opportunities I have been able to be an agent of change and to push for things to be different. It still grates me to here “you’ll do it this way because that’s the way it’s always been done.” I am grateful that this attitude also translates into my personal life, and my recovery. It is a driver for me to continue looking for ways to improve my program, to expand my horizons beyond what might be considered the “traditional” route. I firmly believe that there are many sources that can support my new ways of living, and that the 12 Steps can be worked into pretty well every aspect of my life.

Affirmation Challenging things is a good use of my intuition and talents. Today I will not afraid to ask the question “Why not?”

October 27

”God may be subtle, but he isn’t plain mean.” Albert Einstein

I don’t believe my Higher Power is mean or that it’s His will for me to have a life of only difficulty and struggle. People, though, I am less certain about. Knowing how I was in my active addiction, when I was the furthest from the will of the God of my understanding, I know I was not the nicest person to those around me. And even though I thought I was being subtle in most cases, in retrospect many of my actions were pretty deliberate and blatant. Part of me is glad to acknowledge that when I open myself up to following the way laid before me by my spiritual guide that life is better. I still face challenges, to be certain, but I am less worried about making it through. Knowing I have this power behind me helps me when the challenges I face are created by other people, and helps me not to blame either them or God for difficulties that confront me. I still have moments when I want to be in charge, would prefer that things went my way, or simply lack the faith to fully trust my Higher Power. Yet I know that it is the better, healthier way, as surrendering has made the biggest impact in my life. I know all too well that I haven’t done such a great job in directing my life on my own to this point. Maybe letting the man upstairs take the wheel is not such a bad idea after all.

Affirmation Bad things will happen in my life, but I can trust my Higher Power that I will make it through as long as I continue to follow his direction.

October 26

”Just because someone has a lot to teach us doesn't mean we like them.  People who have the most to teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits to our own capacity to love, those who consciously or unconsciously challenge our fearful positions.  They show us our walls.” Marianne Williamson

I’d actually go a step further, and suggest that the people who have the most to teach me are the ones I like the least. This is mostly due to the fact that they see through me defenses and persist in challenging me to confront myself and my real issues. They are not willing to put up with my BS, they are genuinely interested in helping me get better Maybe I am being a bit too hard on these folks. It’s true in the beginning that I dislike them, but as I face my fears, confront the challenges, and allow myself to hear and respond to their criticism, I have learned to appreciate and respect them. I have certainly needed tough love like this to make it through various stages of my life, and certainly my recovery. The walls of my defenses were built to protect me when I didn’t know how to handle life differently. Now that I am learning new methods of coping with the stresses of life, the pain of emotional conflict, and my addiction, the walls are coming down, brick by brick.

Affirmation I am grateful for those people who are willing to tell me like it is and push me to confront my problems. Recovery is tough, and tough love is required.

October 3

” A bump in the road is either an obstacle to be fought or an opportunity to be enjoyed... it is all up to you.” Anonymous

I wish I could get to the point where things are just bumps in the road. Lately it seems my obstacles are either road blocks or sinkholes that come seemingly out of nowhere. The rest of the quote does have a lot of merit though. I still have the choice to fight, or to find the opportunity in the situation. Both are always there, but not necessarily easy to find. I am grateful that, by the grace of my Higher Power, I have a more solid foundation under my feet and I am able to evaluate these tough times. There are obstacles I need to fight, to defend my values and morals or to protect those close to me. And there are others that I need to dig through all the bad parts to find the opportunity. Thankfully I feel confident that I can take the time, seek advice or whatever else I need to move through the situation. Attitude is a big part of my recovery. I have consciously made choices to stick to the high road in dealing with conflicts that have arisen with people I hurt through my past actions who have reacted in anger or from pain. I have found other ways to let go of my own frustrations through writing, meditation, prayer and regular contact with my sponsor and fellow members. I am a changed person and am glad to be able to live this new life each day.

Affirmation It’s true that this too will pass, and I will gain the tools to help me make it through and hopefully learn something along the way by working my program.

April 16

”You will never find time for anything. You must make it.” Charles Buxton

Excuses, excuses, the world is full of them. I can think of many reasons why not to do something. The thing is that the easier, softer way usually leads me to where I don’t want to go. Back into my middle and inner circle behaviours, to places where I hide and isolate and ignore my tools of recovery. I can make the decision every morning to wear my tool belt of recovery, but I still need to consciously pick up a tool when I need it, whether its journaling, prayer, meditation, reaching out for help, whatever it may be. If I do not find good things to fill my time, if I do not practice my outer circle behaviours, my addict is all too ready and willing to fill it in for me. My challenge is to make time for the things that support my recovery, with at least as much vigour as I was willing to devote to supporting my compulsive sexual behaviour. In active addiction I could always find the time to get my “fix”, I can certainly spend at least some of the energy to fuel my healing.

Affirmation I will use my time wisely. I have the power to do productive things today for my recovery.

March 19

”Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” Henry David Thoreau

Life is full of choices, and we can struggle as easily with the simple ones as we can with the hard ones. Early in  our recovery when we question the motivation behind everything we do we may feel overwhelmed and pushed to do nothing lest it lead us in the direction of our addictive behaviour. It can be challenging to do the little things like deciding what to wear or what to eat. We need to make these tiny leaps of faith in ourselves and our instinct to keep moving forward. Staying still is not an option if we want to recover. Facing these smaller challenges gradually rekindles our confidence in our ability to take action. Making healthy and conscious decisions helps build momentum as we work towards establishing a more normal routine of living. All the small success will help us find the courage to act when presented with more difficult choices. We will continue to advance into action and active living.

Affirmation I will make the small choices today and rebuild my confidence in myself, one decision at a time.