December 16

”A dream is the bearer of a new possibility, the enlarged horizon the great hope.” Kline

It still amazes me that I have regained the ability to dream. After years of living with my head filled with the sexual fantasies on a practically non-stop basis, it is odd to have that void in my thinking. Yet it is also refreshing not to have my head revolving around only acting out thoughts 24 hours a day. I never realized how much all that preoccupation stole my energy to allow me to focus on the other aspects of my life. The fantasies while I was actively in addiction felt like possibilities, like the magical answer to fix all my problems which could wash away all my pain and sorrow. Yet as I look back now, they were nothing more than pipe dreams, false wishes that sought to give me something which could never be realized, that would never live up to all the hype and advertising. They were empty lies meant to keep me searching for that perfect sexual experience which my fantasy could never deliver. True dreams are based on concrete things, hope and truth and possibility. They are meant to enhance my life, not dominate it, to encourage imagination and creation, not stifle it. My horizon in recovery is so much larger than I could ever see along that solitary track of my addictive living.

Affirmation I will find power in my dreams to improve my life, to rebuild what has be broken, and to recreate what has been lost.

November 28 (66)

”They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world. Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.” Tom Bodett

If life truly is that simple, then my addiction certainly fell short of meeting those basics for happiness. I was far from having anyone to love, many that I lusted after, but only my addict wanted love. Yet that was not pure love, but a selfish, greedy, self-centered and egotistical love. My addiction certainly provided something to do, but nothing that was beneficial, nothing that created or promoted life or that was constructive or productive in any way. And last something to hope for; well I would say that was part of the main driving force behind my compulsive behaviour. But it was a desperate hope to find something, that perfect release, the perfect moment of bliss, the perfect acting out fantasy become reality which was nothing but a pipe dream. Far from attainable or achievable, it remained always out of reach but kept me hooked and seeking to find that sexual nirvana which always managed to elude my grasp. In recovery I am discovering that I can be happy if I love myself, that my recovery is something to do to make a difference, and that my hope to remain connected to my Higher Power is enough for true contentment.

Affirmation I will move aware from the empty promises and fruitless adventures of my compulsive behaviours. True happiness comes from simple, basic things.

September 3

”Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Mark Twain

Entitlement has often been a reason for my addict to seek out pleasure. So and so did something to hurt me so I deserve to act out. Things have gone well in this part of my life, so I can give in to this fantasy. I have done so well in my recovery, so this behaviour is a well-deserved reward. As an active addict I became quite adept at turning almost any situation into a reason to act out, or at the very least to continue fantasizing and planning to do so. I was certain that somehow I had earned the right to continue, that everything that was wrong with my life – all caused by others mind you – was more than ample justification to keep up my destructive behaviours. The problem with this attitude is that I take no responsibility for my actions. Everything is everyone’s fault but my own and it is all “poor me, such a hard life, it’s a wonder one can cope with all that stress and hardship.” Being in recovery has made me realize just how delusional my thinking was.

Affirmation It’s true that there’s very little that is owed to me…I need to take responsibility for what I need and stop the blame game to promote my addictive behaviours.