November 23

”A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

I was reminded recently of how working my program on a consistent basis opens me to new insights. After attending a few meetings in close proximity, I uncovered a new perspective on this addiction. I have struggled a bit in the past as the professional community is pretty mixed on whether or not sex addiction is truly an addiction. But what I have come to realize is that it does not matter. You see, being in my meeting rooms made me aware of how much wisdom is present in all of us struggling with this affliction. There is ample proof that we are ordinary people capable of great things and deep thoughts and reflection. Yet at the same time, we also struggle against something more powerful than us which occasionally takes away that ability. Call it an addiction or not, the 12 Steps and the program of recovery have worked for me, like it has and continues to work for others, to regain a sense of balance and normalcy. This is why each day I make a promise to be in recovery. It is why I need to work my program, to pray and meditate, go to meetings, work the steps, reach out to members. It is why I need to do the other basic things in life like sleep properly, eat well, and exercise. It is also why I need to spend quality time with friends and love ones, play and have fun, and live in the present. These are all the components of my program, and if they do not come first, then there is something else waiting in the wings to fill in the time. That is my reality as an addict. Period.

Affirmation

My recovery is my own to define, to follow and it is my responsibility to maintain. Others can help keep me on track, but in the end I need to put in my own time, energy and effort.

April 16

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” Albert Camus

This is the place I keep coming back to, the decision place. My life cannot simply just happen, things do not just automatically occur. There are always choices to be made, paths to be followed, and actions to be taken. In this endeavour, I am somewhat handicapped by my addiction, this disease of choice, which has placed within me a path which takes priority unless I consciously choose otherwise. So it goes, each day a struggle, an ongoing battle against an enemy that lives within me, in my thoughts and deeds. I tried explaining this to someone close to me, and the best example I could come up was to compare it to having a constant craving for chocolate. If this was me, then there are days when it is easier, when I can be at home, at work, or elsewhere and not come across any chocolate, and thus fight back the craving. Other days I might come across it only a few times, and find the strength to resist the temptation. Yet other days are like Valentine’s Day, Halloween or Christmas where chocolate is everywhere I turn, and the fight is very present and real to stay away. Yet most of this war is fought within my thoughts, unbeknownst to those around me. There are little outward signs of my struggle that constantly rages within. I guess maybe that is the reason that I continue to go through periods where I get lay and stop making the right choices. Combatting my disease is at times exhausting and I just want to take a break and get away. But I can never get away, the only thing that happens when I decided to relax my program is that my addiction is given more freedom to influence my life. So it is back to work, to pick up my sword and continue to work against this illness, to fight, fight, fight for my life.

Affirmation

I choose to be in recovery today. I choose to make the sane choices, to move away from those that feed my addiction. I choose to be free!

January 19

”Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” Mahatma Gandhi

So here lies the crux of the problem. My addict, my compulsive addictive behaviour, starts from my thoughts. Perhaps like other addictions, but even more so, this is where my craving is born. In the beginning, the thoughts may seem innocent enough, but they have just enough of an edge, just enough of a shiny coating, to invite me in just a little further, to explore and come closer for a better look. Before I know it, I am way beyond just looking, but fully immersed, tasting, touching, living through the fantasy or reality that started from those small, simple thoughts. As Ambrose Bierce so aptly defined it, the brain is the apparatus with which we think that we think. So how then, do I use that which is broken to fix itself? A seeming conundrum indeed. Yet I do think there is an answer. I do believe that this life, this body that I am in is only a shell. Its purpose is to house something even more precious, my spirit. I have moved from seeing myself as a person with a soul to seeing instead a soul with a temporary body. And it is my soul or body, which existed before I was born and will continue to exist after my body expires, that has the power to overcome my errant thoughts. Simply put, my solution is to Let Go and Let God. I have not the human capacity to fix my broken thinking. I therefore require the faith and belief in my power greater than myself that my spirit, given the opportunity, can and will lead me in the right direction. This is where my harmony and purification will come from, by fully trusting in God’s will, not mine.

Affirmation

I am a creation of spirit, and it is this force within me that can make the impossible possible.

January 1

”Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” Benjamin Franklin

This is sound advice for starting a new year. It is also a good reminder for every other day of the year. I may not like to look at my recovery this way, but it is indeed a constant battle against my compulsive and addictive thoughts and behaviours. It certainly consumes less of my time and energy as it did in the beginning, but the fight is there nonetheless. My addiction is not my only vice, and I am also reminded to continue my step 6 and 7 work to identify my shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power to take them from me. Being at peace with my neighbours is a positive step. I can take this further and be of service to others, not only within my fellowship but within the greater community. This ties in well with many of my outer circle goals that are less self-centered than my recovery work which is very personal. The new year is also a good time for me to reflect on the progress I have made over the past year. I am thankful that I can say that I am a better man this year than last. And still improving. My growth and changes are ongoing work that will continue for some time to come. I am grateful that I am establishing healthy routines to keep my life going in a better direction, one that is led by my Higher Power. My step work, meetings, therapy and other personal growth activities are all integral parts of my life and there to keep me on track.

Affirmation

I am grateful for opportunities to look back and see how far along I have come from those days of darkness and despair. My program is a key component to keep me on the right path.