August 29

”Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire, be breaks out against all sound judgement.” Proverbs 18:1

I can easily relate to my fellow addicts when they talk about isolation and how it seems to be such an integral part of the addictive process. I have been there, and in recovery, a pull towards isolation is a warning sign of my addiction trying to influence my choices. I falsely believed that what was done in isolation affected only myself and was nobody’s business but my own. As I grow in recovery, I know that this is not true, and that isolation, usually, means that I am headed in the wrong direction. In isolation my addiction has power as it removes me from all the external positive influences in my life. As the second part of the quote goes, this is where I tend to lack the common sense I usually possess to distinguish good choices from poorer ones. Instead I find myself listening to the whispers of the little devil sitting on my shoulder. Not a good spot for me to find myself in for sure. All this is not to say that I can never be alone. There is a distinct and important difference. Being alone, when I am seeking solitude, is healthy and is an opportunity for me to slow down, reflect, ponder, meditate or dream. Isolating is more a deliberate act to push everything away, to cut myself off from the world around me. That is a sign of trouble ahead. I am learning how to accept being along and doing so in a positive way.

Affirmation

Isolation leads me down the wrong path, today I will work on being alone and finding solitude by working my program.

August 20

”Just take this as a warning. Know that there's always a price for not being yourself.” Benilde Little

Having had some exposure to the 12 Steps before ever setting foot inside an SAA meeting, I recall being a bit concerned about how sobriety would be defined. Would it mean complete abstinence from all forms of sexual activity? Were there grace periods or certain behaviours that were deemed normal? I really had no clue. Therefore I was certainly relieved to discover that each and every member was given the opportunity to define their own abstinence, but that the program provided guidelines to help determine it. Personally, I have adopted the idea of the inner, middle and outer circles as I find it works well for defining my program of recovery. With the aid of one of my sponsors, we created an abstinence contract which defined the behaviours or activities in each circle, along with a reason as to why they had been put there. It’s a tool that helps remind me of the damage that middle and inner circle items can create, and the support and nurturing that comes from those things in my outer circle. I do remember a period where my middle circle felt less like a warning bell, and more like the list of things that I could do because “they weren’t that bad.” I soon discovered the falsity of that belief, as indulging in my middle circle quickly led me to the edge of my inner circle. Today I am more aware that finding myself in my middle circle is the alarm bell that I have strayed from the path and I am walking along the edge of a cliff. It’s not a place for me to dabble, but when I need to re-double my efforts in working my program. The edge is often closer than I think.

Affirmation

Honesty is the key step to being myself. My middle circle is a dangerous place to play and I will take any sign that I am in it seriously and seek help to move back to my outer circle.

November 12

”Faith in small things has repercussions that ripple all the way out. In a huge dark room a little match can light up the place.” Joni Eareckson Tada

Delving into my past continues to bring to light things that shaped my life, and that pushed me to the paths that I took. One of those broad subjects is fear. I am only starting to explore this in more detail, but I have already gained a sense that this was a bigger part of my growing up than I ever imagined. One simple exercise of investigating some of the major events of my life at various ages has started to bring some things to light. One recurring pattern is a fear of rejection which has shown up in events from school, work and with friends over the years. Another is a fear of abandonment, from episodes in my family and choices that I have made throughout the past. Over time, some of this fear became irrational, and held more power in my life than was warranted. It was one of the tools used by my addiction to keep the cycle going. A new concept for me is to see fear as a friend. In truth, a healthy fear could hold this place, as it serves as a warning that there is danger ahead. When the threat is real, then fear is a perfectly reasonable emotion. My challenge is to stop manufacturing fears, or making them seem worse or larger than they are to cause stress which then needs to be dealt with.

Affirmation I will work at accepting my fears, tempered by the reality of the situation that they occur in. May my Higher Power grant me the wisdom to separate these accordingly today.

August 19

”A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other.” M. C. Richards

I frequently share that since discovering SAA the greatest gift I have, and continue to receive, is that of awareness. No longer am I living under the delusion of my addiction, in the fog that there is no better way to be. Yet whole all this awareness is great. While I can recognize when I am triggered, when a situation is likely to start me down that slippery slope, it isn’t always enough. My awareness gives me a pause in my thinking, and the opportunity to do things differently, to choose another path than my addict’s auto-pilot. But in order to change I need to act on that awareness. If my awareness just registers the warning on my radar, but I ignore it, eventually the blip will be right on top of me and my ability to fight it off will be that much harder. I need to realize that this early warning signal needs to be taken seriously, that if I value my recovery that I need to take precautionary measures a.s.a.p. This is the time to pick up a tool, repeat the Serenity Prayer or the 12 Steps, contact my sponsor or a fellow member, pray to my Higher Power, or whatever will support me in turning away from the lures of my addict. Over time my healthy reactions to my awareness radar will become more instinctual and I will find it easier to avoid sticky situations.

Affirmation I will treat my awareness today with extra care and practice putting precautionary measures in to place before things get out of control.