June 6

”Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

I have to admit I’m a pretty typical male when it comes to communication. I tend to be able to focus on only one topic at a time, and I get lost easily if someone is “channel surfing” through the subjects. This means that my communications with women are not usually trivial. My mind simply does not work like theirs; everything is not connected to everything. I like it simple: one thing at a time, and when we’re done, and identify we’re done, and then I can shelve the box labelled Topic X and prepare myself to discuss Topic Y. This is evident in my relationship with my partner. My thoughts work best from my warehouse of individually labelled boxes, hers from the spaghetti-nest of interconnected wires. It’s the way we are, and not something either one of us can change. But the key here is awareness. Having a better understanding of how we think ourselves, and how each other processes information, can help us set up the environmental conditions for more productive talks. If she can decrease her multi-tasking, and I make sure that I am in conversation mode (and not pointedly focused on something else) it starts removing barriers that affect our communication. Most of our conflicts arise because we didn’t take time to prepare the scene for a talk, remove barriers and make sure it is the right time/place/etc. to have the discussion. Being more deliberate, especially when we have important matters to converse about, goes a long way to ensuring a successful discussion.

Affirmation

It’s important for me to set the stage before having certain conversations. Removing potential barriers can make things go much more smoothly.

May 16

”There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.” James Lee Burke

Rejection – one of my biggest fears, one of my best known triggers. But I think I finally figured something out. Most of the rejection I have experienced has been from actions that weren’t even targeting me. That might seem a little confusing, so I guess I need to explain. I used to think that rejection meant that someone was wilfully pushing me aside, that I was less than, didn’t measure up, or had some other deficiency. In essence, that some part of me was the problem (or all of me as the case may be.) I am starting to see that is not the case at all. I think many times when I have felt rejected, I may not have been someone’s top priority, that they had something more important on the go that meant my needs (or wants) couldn’t be met by them. That’s it. Simply put, there are times when I think I should be everyone’s number 1 priority (a false expectation which cannot always be true) and then I am hurt when someone else does not treat me that way (other people have their own priorities, pretty normal if I think about it.) So what does this mean to me now? Hmm, well giving it some additional brain power, I see that I need to be open to seeing where other people are coming from when I feel rejected. What is it that is important to them at the time I feel this way? And for my own part, how is it I am feeling, what are my needs that I want to be met that seem to be at a shortfall? Looking at things this way, I can see rejection in a new light and with new understanding.

Affirmation

I may be amazed at the insight that comes my way when I stop to look inside myself, examine my feelings, my needs and desires. It is a worthwhile exercise to know myself better.

May 8

”Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” Cherie-Carter Scotts

Each day I am reminded of how much I still have to learn. Life is full of surprises and opportunities to increase my knowledge and awareness. I’m not sure that I agree that there are no mistakes, but there is certainly a chance to garnish some new nugget of insight from everything that happens in my day. It can be something small like appreciating time with one of my children, reflecting on how I acted in a specific instance, or gathering information before making a decision. Life is a series of endless possibilities, and I have a part to play in the path my life takes. Even though I am working to follow the will of my Higher Power, that endeavour takes effort and a directed purpose on my part to be realized. It will simply not happen as a series of random events. I do need to be a driver to keep going on the right course, making the right turns when needed, avoiding the pitfalls and obstacles along the way. While I know it is important to make good choices, I am less concerned with this than in the past. Instead, I put my confidence in the fact that I am prepared to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. This doesn’t mean that I act impulsively or with blind disregard, but I that I have faith that even if I don’t make the best decision that I will live through it. It’s all a part of living life on life’s terms.

Affirmation

Live, decide, act, accept the consequences. I can make my life this simple today and handle whatever comes my way.

April 5

”Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.” Benjamin Franklin

Finances are one of my big triggers. I wish I could say that it’s been the stress of having too much money, but rather it’s been the opposite. I am glad it is one of the many relationships in my life that I am learning to deal with in healthier ways. A recent workshop put my new views of wealth to the test. All the participants we asked in advance to choose the denomination of a bill that they felt best represented their personal value and to bring it to the event. This made me think for a few days about how much I felt I was worth. I am happy that, in the end, I decided that I wasn’t able to compare myself to a dollar figure. I recognized that I am worth more than money and that I couldn’t equate myself to a price. I won’t spoil the rest of the exercise by sharing it here, but I was enlightened by my personal experience, and by those shared by the other participants. It opened my eyes to see how differently money affects people and the influence it can have in one’s life. I am happy that this is a place where I regularly turn things over to my Higher Power and let go.

Affirmation

Today I will be thankful for those things in my life that have true value and be wary of worshipping false idols.

September 18

”Great tranquility of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame.” Thomas Kempis

When I think of serenity, the picture that comes to mind is that of looking at a lake, just as the sun rises, on a windless day, where the water glows like a sheet of glass in the warm golden glow of the sun. Nothing disturbs its surface; it is perfectly still and balanced. It is this state of calmness I seek in my meditation, to be at rest, to be a center of tranquility in the midst of the perturbations of the world around me. To be at peace with myself, to have my thoughts, actions and emotions in harmony and balance. It is the moments of recognizing all that is happening around me, but being aware that I have to do nothing more than notice, no further action on my part is required. This practice has helped me enormously deal with my cravings and the pull of my addiction. It has taught me to be aware of my triggers, to recognize them and to be able to say to my addict “Oh, that’s nice, but I am not interested” and let the thought pass right on by, and then continue on with whatever it was I was doing.

Affirmation I am amazed by the freedom I have gained by increasing my self-awareness. Finding my peace within has enabled me to keep the chaos of addiction away.

August 24

”Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus

I think this quote sums up what the program has been trying to teach me. That I need to be okay knowing there is only so much I can do, and that the rest I simply have to accept things as they are. It is also providing me with tools to help me be in a better position to do my best and to be able to fully commit to those things that I can do. Life is complex. Relationships, at least the ones that matter, are complicated. Yet amidst all this I can still follow the Keep It Simple principle. I have the ability to not add my own complexity into the situations around me. The most direct way for me to do this is to be aware of my own feelings and actions, to take responsibility for what I say and do, and stay in the present. Realizing that strong emotions are a sign from my body that something important is happening, as opposed to something I need to react to, is helping me guide my behaviours. All this is part of my continuing emotional maturity that takes away power from the need for my compulsions of the past. Fear of many things has diminished as I continue to learn more about myself. I have fewer problems with rejection, abandonment, self-worth, and acceptance. I have been able to create boundaries and develop healthy friendships. I have learned to use my talents for productive reasons that support my outer circle. I am returning to the person I know my Higher Power wants me to be.

Affirmation Getting to know myself is not only helpful for me, but for everyone I interact with. It gives me insight and direction on how to be a better citizen.

August 26

”Why are we surprised when fig trees bear figs.” Margaret Titzel

Being in recovery is both a blessing and a curse. It’s been a blessing because it has shown me the depths of my own sickness and that awareness has motivated me to change my behaviours. It’s a curse because the awareness has also shown me how others in my life have been contaminated by my illness. This is not always a good thing because others are not always open to admitting they are sick as well and need help. I cannot force anyone to seek help for the damage I have caused by bringing my addiction into their lives. This negative side of my awareness leads me too often to expecting to react as though they have the knowledge I am gaining in my recovery. The problem is, many of them are doing little to change their coping mechanisms, so it should not be a surprise when they continue to act as if I am sick, or just in their own unhealthy ways. Yet is takes me aback more often than not. I need to be careful in setting unrealistic expectations in my relations with others. It is me that is in recovery; I am working a program; I am getting help and walking a new path. I can encourage others to do so, but until they make that choice for themselves, they are not likely to treat me any differently nor change their own behaviours. This is something I need to be prepared for and to live through.

Affirmation I will be aware that I am not expecting too much of others and to remember that my recovery changes me first.

August 23

”Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.” Maggie Kuhn

It’s been quite apparent in my life since finding SAA that there is no going back. I know too much now, about addiction, about the program and about myself to give in blindly to my compulsive behaviour. Like the cartoon characters of old, I’ve looked down after walking off the cliff into mid-air and realized that gravity exists – and that I will fall. This awareness has also put me in touch with my feelings. I find myself no longer content to avoid them, push them away, ignore them or use them to act in an inappropriate manner. I feel more compelled to speak my mind, to share how I react, how I feel, and how I am in situations that impact my life. I do not do this for the benefit of others but to keep control in my life and let out what I would normally have put under lock and key. It is not always an easy task to reveal my emotions, to continue to be open, honest, and willing. Yet I know the path my life takes when I do not, and that person is no longer someone that I desire to be. I owe it to myself to live a better life.

Affirmation I will continue to share my feelings, not to guilt or belittle others, but to free myself of my emotion and guard my serenity.

August 19

”A knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other.” M. C. Richards

I frequently share that since discovering SAA the greatest gift I have, and continue to receive, is that of awareness. No longer am I living under the delusion of my addiction, in the fog that there is no better way to be. Yet whole all this awareness is great. While I can recognize when I am triggered, when a situation is likely to start me down that slippery slope, it isn’t always enough. My awareness gives me a pause in my thinking, and the opportunity to do things differently, to choose another path than my addict’s auto-pilot. But in order to change I need to act on that awareness. If my awareness just registers the warning on my radar, but I ignore it, eventually the blip will be right on top of me and my ability to fight it off will be that much harder. I need to realize that this early warning signal needs to be taken seriously, that if I value my recovery that I need to take precautionary measures a.s.a.p. This is the time to pick up a tool, repeat the Serenity Prayer or the 12 Steps, contact my sponsor or a fellow member, pray to my Higher Power, or whatever will support me in turning away from the lures of my addict. Over time my healthy reactions to my awareness radar will become more instinctual and I will find it easier to avoid sticky situations.

Affirmation I will treat my awareness today with extra care and practice putting precautionary measures in to place before things get out of control.

May 30

”Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.” Jim Rohn

A course I took recently for my work brought up a couple of concepts that I am finding helpful lately in evaluating my actions. The course was focused on managing risk, and I can see a direct correlation in assisting me look at consequences. The two concepts are validation and verifications. The first is concerned about doing something right, the second is about doing the right thing. For myself in looking at things that I plan to do, bout these ideas have merit. It is as important to ensure that if I am going to act, that I will do so in a proper manner and with the appropriate intent. It is equally important for the “gut check” or verification from someone else – my sponsor, a fellow member, a therapist or other professional – to ensure that the action is a healthy choice and moves me in a positive direction. Being more aware that I can not only recognize that there are consequences, but evaluate the possible outcomes and motivations for my actions before I choose to act is certainly a more mature and wholesome way to approach life. The discipline of applying my new found skills increases my ability to make good decisions.

Affirmation I will look at my motivations and the possible consequences of my actions before I do something today. Reflection can save me from doing the wrong thing or something in the wrong way.

May 1

”One drop of water helps to swell the ocean; a spark of fire helps to give light to the world. None are too small, too poor to be of service. Think of this and act.” Hannah More

It is very true in my own recovery that I take a small step forward each time I use a tool of recovery or reach out for support. All those individual acts add to the overall direction of my recovery. I need not bite off large chunks of my problems in one sitting, but I can be content to work slowly, rebuilding my inner self brick by brick. Unfortunately, I am also realizing that the flip side is equally true. When I allow myself to entertain middle circle thoughts and behaviours, I give momentum to my addiction. Just like rolling a small snowball from the top of a steep hill, each time I go into my old patterns of thinking, my snowball rolls further down the hill and increases in size. I do not want to let it make it all the way down the slope and become a huge snow boulder. If I drop the ball in working my recovery, I need to ask for the strength and courage to jump right back on track. The longer I let myself roll downhill, the bigger the snowball that I have to get around and the more of the hill that I have to climb to get back to where I was. I would rather start that ascent sooner than later...and save my self the pain and effort of that trek.

Affirmation I will be aware of the small acts that affect my recovery, but also be wary of those that can lead me in the opposite direction.

February 27

”In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” Theodore Roosevelt

It can be a struggle early in our recovery to have faith in our decisions and actions. It is disconcerting to know that we cannot readily rely on our own judgement in making the healthiest choices. However, gaining even a small capacity to reason, through our initial sobriety, and the ability to evaluate a situation rather than act on impulse, is an important step in our recovery. We need to be mindful, and as many say, ever-vigilant, in looking at the underlying reasons and emotions that drive us in our decision-making process. One of the goals of recovery is to increase our self-awareness so that we understand the decisions we make rather than being solely at the whim of our addictive behaviour.

Affirmation I will focus on my thoughts and feelings when making choices today and know that I am not simply complying with my compulsion.