June 6

”Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” William James

I have to admit I’m a pretty typical male when it comes to communication. I tend to be able to focus on only one topic at a time, and I get lost easily if someone is “channel surfing” through the subjects. This means that my communications with women are not usually trivial. My mind simply does not work like theirs; everything is not connected to everything. I like it simple: one thing at a time, and when we’re done, and identify we’re done, and then I can shelve the box labelled Topic X and prepare myself to discuss Topic Y. This is evident in my relationship with my partner. My thoughts work best from my warehouse of individually labelled boxes, hers from the spaghetti-nest of interconnected wires. It’s the way we are, and not something either one of us can change. But the key here is awareness. Having a better understanding of how we think ourselves, and how each other processes information, can help us set up the environmental conditions for more productive talks. If she can decrease her multi-tasking, and I make sure that I am in conversation mode (and not pointedly focused on something else) it starts removing barriers that affect our communication. Most of our conflicts arise because we didn’t take time to prepare the scene for a talk, remove barriers and make sure it is the right time/place/etc. to have the discussion. Being more deliberate, especially when we have important matters to converse about, goes a long way to ensuring a successful discussion.

Affirmation

It’s important for me to set the stage before having certain conversations. Removing potential barriers can make things go much more smoothly.

June 5

”Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” Meredith Grey

Having disclosed my addiction to those near and dear to me is a blessing, and sometimes a cursed blessing. It’s a blessing because I have finally let out the secrets and I know that as long as I have some things hidden, I will continue my poor behaviours and choices. It’s also a cursed blessing because, not only has my own awareness increased, but so has the awareness of those who know about my illness. And if they are good people who care about me, they don’t hesitate to point out when things don’t look or feel right. If I am being rigorously honest with myself, then I need to take a hard look at how others perceive me. I am still too quick to minimize or justify a situation, and sometimes, however unwanted it may be, others observations are what I need to take a deeper look at myself. There are still small seeds of guilt and shame that want to prevent me from telling others how I am really doing. My partner, in her infinite wisdom, is helping me to see that, even before I head into my middle circle, there is a gap that grows between us when I’m not working my program well enough. The longer I keep ignoring the problem, the bigger the gap is going to get, pushing me back towards isolation, which is a treacherous place for me. I am grateful for being surrounded by those who are not afraid to tell me how they see it. I can use all the help I need to stay on track.

Affirmation

God, let me be grateful today for those who have the courage to tell me when I am not being as honest with them as I need to be.

June 2

”Knowing when to fight is just as important as knowing how.” Terry Goodkind

In getting in touch with my feelings and working on living in the moment, there has also been an increase of conflict in my life. This is due, in part, to the fact that I don’t push things away or ignore them like I used to. I am still learning how to act and react I am still working on how to voice my opinion and express my emotions without ridiculing someone else, ignoring their feelings or starting an argument. In my growing awareness I have come to recognize some key elements that can dictate how well, or poorly, these situations unfold. If I am tired, busy doing something and interrupted, or already frustrated, I tend to react poorly. When I am in a calmer state and more receptive to discussion, or what I might perceive as criticisms, discussions tend to go more smoothly. These points are frequently highlighted at home. When something needs to be discussed between the adults, having the kids running around and needing our attention or being preoccupied with supper/homework/laundry/dishes/etc. creates an atmosphere which is not usually conducive to good communication. Trying to pick the best time and place can go a long way to a successful conversation and help avoid an unwanted confrontation. My partner and I are not looking to fight for the sake of fighting, but we are trying to create a good working team and happy home. Sometimes a little patience and restraint can go a long way to a more successful and functional family.

Affirmation

I will focus on learning how to discuss, converse and even argue better today. Making conscious decisions of the best time to engage people is a sign of growth.

May 15

”A closed mouth gathers no foot." Chinese Proverb

Sometimes I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut. There are many situations where the wisest thing to do is simply listen. I still remember my parents telling me that I had two ears and only one mouth, so I was supposed to listen twice as much as I talked. I don’t always follow that advice. Listening goes further that using my ears. It also means giving my attention to the person who is speaking. It means not taking that time thinking about what I want to say as soon as there is an opening. Rather it is about really hearing what is said and striving to understand the message that is being relayed. My interjections, if any, should be to seek clarification or to paraphrase what I have heard to verify that I received the message properly. My mouth works faster than my brain all too often, and then I end up sucking on my toes. In building my relationships it’s important for me to take the time to consider what I am saying, and how it is going to be delivered. I know that my tone of voice and body language also have a big impact on what I tell someone. When it’s important, then the whole package needs to be there. A few extra seconds can make the difference between a conversation and an argument. And if I still foul things up? Well, hopefully there’s time for apologies and amends too.

Affirmation

Communication is a huge part of my relationships. I will focus on listening well today, put the needs of others before my own to practice my active listening skills.

January 2

”One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.” John Burroughs

There are days when even though most things have gone well, just a few episodes can seem to ruin a perfectly good day. It seems that communication is still a challenging area of my recovery. Sometimes I wonder if I have simply just missed the boat, that I wasn’t paying enough attention to those around me, and that’s why all of a sudden the ground seems to fall out from under me. Recovery has taught me to be humble. It’s in these moments that I need to fight hard not to put myself on the defensive and become argumentative. Instead I need to be willing to take the first step and admit my faults and work to make things better. Trying to prove who was right or wrong doesn’t help me make my relationships better. The small things are important, and these are the things that I missed first when I was in my active addiction. I was too preoccupied to notice all the small nuances in life as I was too self-absorbed. So I as much as it can be painful to have to deal with days like this, it is certainly better than the alternative.

Affirmation Little things that go wrong are still important and need to be resolved. I will not ignore the small hurts that need to be fixed today.

October 15

”One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” Bryant McGill

Communication has been somewhat of a troublesome area for me in my life. My addict has learned too well to hear only what it wants to hear, to filter out what it doesn’t and to only provide enough truth to make people stop asking questions and go away. Sad, but unfortunately very true. Needless to say, communication has been an integral piece of my recovery as well. Good communication now has to start with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This means from everything I try to tell myself before I even begin working on dealing with other people, or even my Higher Power. However, given the Master’s degree in deceit and deception I have ungraciously earned over the past decades, words are not sufficient. What I say needs to be followed, pretty well immediately, by actions that support them and demonstrate that they are truly meant. The other side is that I need to listen to others, to honestly take the time to hear people out, let them express their feelings and opinions, and reflect that I have heard and understood. Stopping to let others be heard is a critical part of sharing messages that are actually received and helps to avoid disagreements and conflicts.

Affirmation Learning to communicate better can go a long way to rebuilding trust and respect with those around me.

July 24

”All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a simple lovely action.” James Russell Lowell

Through my separation with my spouse one of the challenges has been not only staying connected physically, emotionally and spiritually, but also in reconnecting to those aspects which were damaged by my acting out. This has probably been most apparent in our intimate connections, communication, sharing of feelings and of course physical intimacy. I have never been a great communicator, especially when I need to share my feelings. I have always been better at writing things down in a letter or email…but it is less personal and can easily be misinterpreted. A new method I am trying is to still write down what I need to share, but to read it aloud, in person or over the phone, so I can get and give feedback. While living apart, physical intimacy has certainly been more difficult to incorporate into our relationship. Yet this time has helped me gain awareness of the things that I truly miss. In being absent I know all the little routine things that I find lacking like hugs, cuddling, back rubs, sitting together in front of the TV…and all the small idiosyncrasies that remind me of my spouse and why I cherish them.

Affirmation I believe that absence can make the heart grow fonder and I know my actions in treating my spouse with love and respect will speak volumes.

July 10

”If you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves.” Emily Dickinson

It is still scary how the little things can throw off my life and impact my serenity. One of the things that has always, and continues to bother me is a lack of communication. It still shocks me how quickly not getting the information or regular contact I need can easily lead me to the conceive the worst, most disastrous situations which are all too often unfounded and just a result of my imagination run wild. I dislike how rapidly being in the dark, and I mean less than a 24-hour period, I can bring myself to the edge of despair and hopelessness. The other major drawback is that falling into this mental black hole also opens the door to my addictive thinking. My dark mood can all too readily spiral my thought patterns back to middle and inner circle planning and fantasizing. It is challenging trying to turn over the unknown to my Higher Power. When I feel desperate for knowledge I still struggle to accept that many of these things will not resolve themselves according to my schedule. I need support and friendly reminders about staying focused in the present to maintain my serenity and sobriety. My program requires me to seek moderation and compulsively obsessing about anything will not lead me in the right direction.

Affirmation I need to be aware of places in my life where I obsess. This can be turned over to the God of my understanding to help guard my sanity.

March 25

”Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing that separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link.” Simone Weil

We all have our own defense systems. Normally we have gradually built a wall, over the years, to protect ourselves and so we can survive the barrage of things that hurt us. Our wall may be in the attitudes and behaviours we keep, the situations we engage in or avoid, the fact that we become very angry outwardly or suffer in solitude. Our walls often protect us from our shortcomings, feelings we have buried and refused to face and come to terms with. These can be based on anger, resentment, fear, hurt, loneliness, self-pity, jealousy, pride, envy or any number of other emotions. But if we can have the courage to share these through working Steps 7 and 8, by journaling, writing letters about our feelings, sharing with our sponsor or by some other means, we can begin to remove bricks from our walls and become more open to our Higher Power and others.

Affirmation My wall of defenses has served a useful purpose but I can examine it to remove things from the past that I need to let go.