April 4

"The best way out is always through.” Robert Frost

Challenges seem to be ever-present. I am finding these past few days more difficult than usual, the thought of having to remain distant from friends and family for even more weeks than originally planned has cranked up my anxiety level. I am beginning to feel the effects of confinement, even though most of the weight in the walls of this prison are self-made through doubts and fears. Yet the effect is the same as if they were made of three metre thick cement walls. And so I turn back to my new methods of coping, of looking to focus on the things I can change, which always quickly boil down to me - my thoughts, words and actions. There is little else in my direct control, all the rest I need to leave in the hands of my Higher Power. So, what can I do to cope? I am praying and meditating on a daily basis, having no excuse for a lack of time or other priorities. I am staying connected to friends and family, through virtual means, but keeping in touch nonetheless. I am trying to accomplish some task or part of a bigger task every day. I am eating well, trying to get some exercise, go for a walk with my dogs, have some quality time with my wife. This is what works for me to get through. And tomorrow will be more of the same - lather, rinse, repeat.

Affirmation

Difficult times may lay before me today, but I am confident that I have the tools and skills to work my way through them.

December 22

”Keep sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow – perhaps it all will.” Ecclesiastes

One aspect that has helped my recovery more than anything has been my willingness to try just about anything to get better. Not to the extent of trying anything extreme, “cultish” or that could be compared to following the latest diet fad, but truly being open to suggestions from professionals and other members about tools and tips that have helped them or others along. I have not adopted everything that I have tried, but exposing myself to a variety of recovery and spiritual avenues has enabled me to create a fairly broad range of practices that help me to cope. I look at this as not putting all of my eggs into one basket. This way if something that I try doesn’t work, or stops working, I know that I have a multitude of other healthy resources to turn to rather than being immediately faced with turning back to my old behaviours. Each method grows differently in my garden of recovery, and can sustain me in specific ways, much like I require a variety of exercises to keep my entire body in good shape. I can harvest these tools as I need to help keep my recovery in check and to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by the weeds of my addiction.

Affirmation The more and varied ways I have to cope the easier it will be for me to stay in recovery and resist my addictive behaviours.

October 18

”It has long be an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

My addict used to like things complicated. The more an event could be turned into a big affair, the stronger the emotional reaction I would have and want to suppress and the bigger the reward I needed to seek to compensate. Talk about living in insanity. Life is complex, certainly. Things happen that are not always simple. Yet I don’t need to add artificial complexity to life to support those behaviours that will cause me to overreact in unhealthy ways. My life now is more about giving things their proper perspective, assessing them more realistically and then acting accordingly. I don’t need my old coping mechanisms and it’s rare that my instinct pulls me in that direction. Even when my thoughts start to lead me astray, I am aware and can stop and let them pass. If they persist, I choose to pick up a tool of recovery or reach out for support to keep making the healthier choices. The other realization has been that many of the things which are too complicated are events that I can do little to change. So in turning them over to the care of my Higher Power I free myself to live more simply.

Affirmation I will choose not to overburden myself with things I cannot control, nor overcomplicate what can remain simple.

August 9

”It is the simple things of life that make living worthwhile, the sweet fundamental things such as love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature.” Laura Inglis Wilder

Transitioning to living on my own has presented its own challenges. Moving into a bare-bones apartment, without cable or internet, has made my weeks without my kids long and trying. Fridays and Saturdays are particularly challenging because of the extra free time without commitments. I can only schedule so much activity. What is helping me to cope is to focus on some of the basics of life. Doing laundry, washing the floors, cleaning the bathroom, all these domestic chores remind me of the need to take care, rather than neglect myself and my surroundings. They are simple yet provide a sense of satisfaction in a job well done and usually encourage me to keep focusing on recovery and outer circle behaviours and activities. So reading recovery material, working on exercises for my step study group, reaching out to a member or my sponsor, all these are more prevalent when the basic needs of living are made a priority. Getting back to the simplicity of life can ground me and help me to avoid spending too much time unproductively trying to simply fill my day.

Affirmation I need to take care of my basic needs as a building block to rebuilding a healthy routine and establishing a better sense of self.

July 27

”The childhood shows the man, as the morning shows the day.” John Milton

It took only a few weeks after joining SAA for me to recognize how far back my addictive tendencies went. I guess I thought I would have been more surprised to trace events and behaviours back to my teenage years, but somehow I think deep down I always suspected it was true. I think it is amazing that as a human being I can keep such a toxic part of me active in my life for so many years yet still appear to be a functioning part of society. I guess my coping mechanism did get me to the point in my life where I finally decided that there had to be a better way to live. In working the steps, in sharing with other members, I am often challenged to look at myself, my thoughts and actions from a totally new perspective. I don’t like questioning that my thought processes are broken, but I think the fact that I lived my double-life for so many years is proof that all was not functioning in the healthiest manner. I have lived with the addict in my head for so many years that I am not always aware which voice is active. So I am grateful to have my new SAA family to help me hear and see more clearly what I am thinking, saying and doing. My increasing awareness gives me the power to choose new ways to behave , act and react to the world around me.

Affirmation I can accept my group as a mirror that will better help me see where I can improveand grow.

July 22

”Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances which would have lain dormant.” Horace

I think I am discovering that one of my beliefs about this life as I know it is that it is not supposed to be easy. That happy-go-lucky place of no worries is what heaven is supposed to be (as I understand it), and as far as my religious beliefs go, I still think I need to earn my way in. Therefore my time here on Earth is not only to probe myself worthy, but to learn what it is to be human along the way. So far as my own experience goes I seem to learn a whole lot more about being human from going through hard times than coasting along when everything is fine. So my philosophy is that challenges, trials, disasters, tragedies – all these events that seem to bring out the worst in terms of what life has to offer – are also where mankind shows their greatest strengths. It is times like these where we  put aside our selfish interest to be compassionate and helpful for others, become more self-sacrificing for a greater good. In my own life I have chosen to rise to the occasion probably less often than I have been washed away, unable to find the strength to overcome the situation. Yet I have survived to be where I am today and I know I have a greater faith in my Higher Power to help me weather the storms that lay ahead.

Affirmation I can accept that the difficult times are challenges for me to overcome and learn from so that I can grow.

June 15

”Failure is the path of least persistence.” Anonymous

My recovery is not going to come for free. As much effort as I put into my addiction will be required to correct my behaviour and work my program. The 12 Steps are teaching me a new set of principles so that I will live my life in a more balanced fashion. The road forward will not be easy, has not been so far, but persistence and progress will get me there. The other thing I am accepting is that having used my addiction to cope with life was not entirely a failure. It was the best mechanism I knew at the time to get by. It does not excuse the way I treated others, or myself, but my addiction did serve a purpose in getting me to today. Now that I am more aware of better ways to cope though, I am accountable to myself and my Higher Power to live a different life. Living One Day at a Time in recovery has given me the freedom to leave yesterday behind me and allows me not to worry about what tomorrow will bring. Focusing on the here and now helps make it easier to have the strength, courage and patience to go through each 24-hour period. I know I can lean on the support of the God of my understanding as well as my fellow members.

Affirmation I will remain focused on today and what I need to do to face the hours before me while staying in recovery.

May 4

”Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of successes that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you preserve; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles.” Helen Keller

Patience, patience, and more patience. If I have discovered one thing that I need more of in recovery, this is probably the biggest. Patience is letting things happen in their own time. Patience is pausing to process difficult situations so that I may act, rather than react. Patience is learning to bite my tongue rather than let my addiction speak. Patience is listening to others when I would rather they were listening to me. Patience is prayer and meditation to strengthen my contact with my Higher Power. And most of the time, patience is doing nothing more than being present in the moment. My life is still challenging. There have been many days where my life has felt worse than when I was in my active addiction. Days like those test my resolve, my faith in my Higher Power and my program. Dealing with life on life’s terms is not always easy or straightforward. Tragedy, loss, pain, and hurt are as real as success, reward, happiness and joy. Powerful emotions on either side of the spectrum can disrupt my serenity – especially ones that I am used to pushing aside. Allowing myself to experience them gives me strength not to be overwhelmed, to not turn back to my old ways, and to reinforce my serenity.

Affirmation My patience is a virtue and can help me with all the challenges, positive and negative, that I will face today.