December 29

” Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Confucius

The holiday season can be a particularly difficult one. It has indeed been hard for me over the past several years, for different reasons. Well, maybe not that different, many of my recent Christmas’ have been challenging because my family has had significant changes – some of those losses because of my separation and divorce, others because of gains as I also remarried and created a blended family. Each season of change brings with it unique aspects to adjust to and incorporate into the “new normal.” Through all of this, going with all my heart has been an underlying goal, but certainly something more difficult as I have dealt with losses. It is not always easy or obvious how to focus on all the blessings and good things that remain in my life when something important has been lost. Put another way, it’s hard to lead fully with my heart when I am feeling heart-broken. Maybe, in retrospect, I was there in those moments with my all my heart, at least those parts which were still intact. Perhaps this is another area where I need to be gentle with myself and accept that my capacity for love, affection and full commitment to being present is something that fluctuates given the circumstances I find myself in. My 100% doesn’t always translate the same way, and that is okay.

Affirmation

It is okay for my all to not been the same from day to day or season to season. I will focus on being present to the best of my ability, just for today.

September 30

”Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were big things.” Robert Brault

Looking into the past is not easy for me. While I can find moments of serenity and happiness, it is hard to hold onto them against the weight of negativity that my addiction put into the same period. The fact that my emotions were dulled also is not helpful in trying to recall better times. Then there are other people who only want me remember all the bad times which can make it even more challenging to look back. My task is to focus on today, and even though things are not all rosy, I am learning to focus at least equally on want goes well each day. I have to find the balance, and I need to practice positive thinking if I want to stop all that mental berating I am used to giving to myself. Like a friend recently shared, there is no way I would want to stay friends with someone who belittled and degraded me as much as I do of my own accord. It is learning to be gentle. To understand that I am not perfect. That I will make mistakes. That I have lots to offer. That I can rejoice in what I accomplish each day. It is also about surrounding myself with good people. Those who lift me up, who remind me of the good I do and the progress I have made. It is an accumulation of many small acts of goodness that have led me along the path of recovery. As I approach a year of sobriety, all those small things are turning into something quite large indeed.

Affirmation Today I will reflect on the small good things that are present in my life because I have chosen to be in recovery.