April 13

"Only those you trust can betray you.” Terry Goodkind

Trust is a fickle thing, it usually takes a long time to gain with an individual, but it can be lost very quickly, and sometimes through just a careless word or act. And rebuilding trust afterwards can feel like a Herculean task. I've experienced a loss of trust, both as being the one betrayed, but also as the betrayer. Neither of which are an enjoyable or enviable experience. The key to gaining trust and rebuilding it from my own history is simply honesty. The truth is required to build a trusting relationship, and it is also what is required to start over when it has been broken. It helps to remember that we are human, and that we make mistakes. The gist of the program is about learning to live with life on life's terms, without turning to my compulsive and obsessive behaviours to avoid, escape or otherwise cope. Tough times and bad things will still happen, but there are things I have learned to get me through them with the support of others.

Affirmation

I know honesty is the best policy and it is the basic requirement for trust in all my relationships.

April 1

"Honest people don't hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte

In discovering that I had an addiction, I turned to honesty as one of the improvements that I needed to make. Not only has this affected my self-awareness when I slip into deceit, but it has attuned my radar to see dishonesty in others. This can be a blessing and a curse. The problem here is how I choose to react, if I react at all, when I notice someone else who is not being fully transparent.    That's quite a dilemma. I need to take a step back and remember the times that I was confronted with my own lies. How did that feel? There were certainly approaches that did not encourage me to disclose and be honest about what secrets I had been keeping. Other moments were more gentle, trusting, and where I felt that the person calling my bluff genuinely wanted to help, rather than accuse and shame me for my actions.     I am still a human being, and I still avoid being completely truthful from time to time. Yet I see the value in being more honest. It might be more difficult in the moment, but it is healthier and more conducive to keeping my relationships healthy with others. My goal is to be an open book, to be transparent, to no longer be secretive and deceitful.

Affirmation

Honesty, in myself and others, may be a challenge today, but I will approach it with kindness and courage.

August 26

”Human beings, we have dark sides; we have dark issues in our lives. To progress anywhere in life, you have to face your demons.” John Noble

There are days like today where I am really not very proud of myself. After a conversation with someone who I care about where I have to admit, once again, that I have lied, cheated, done or said something to break their trust, have disrespected them in some way, I don’t feel very good about being me. Then there is admitting I’ve done those same things to the relationship with myself, as well as the one with my Higher Power. Living a program of rigorous honest isn’t simple, has many parts that are not enjoyable, and doesn’t come without a lot of hard work and effort. I don’t like having to be reminded that I have to try harder to follow my program of recovery, to respect my rules and boundaries and abide by the things I’ve place in my circles. The pull to just be normal is too strong and attractive sometimes. Yet if I look in the mirror, although it’s not tattooed on my forehead, there is a reflection of an addict. Me, the broken one, struggling to find the way to live a life where my disease is manageable and I am not always out of control. Yes, moments like this can make me question why I continue to bother. Why not just simply give in, go back to the way things used to be. Two good reasons come to mind. The first one is that I can no longer go back to who I was. I no longer have the ignorance of not having identified my disease. Secondly, and more important, I am well aware of all that I stand to lose, all the consequences that await me at the end of the darker path. Given the options, I will pick up the heavy burden today and pray for the strength to carry until tomorrow.

Affirmation

Gray days will happen, and there will be times when I need to clean the slate once again, and share all that is still happening beneath the surface. This is the only way for me to stay sober.

June 5

”Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” Meredith Grey

Having disclosed my addiction to those near and dear to me is a blessing, and sometimes a cursed blessing. It’s a blessing because I have finally let out the secrets and I know that as long as I have some things hidden, I will continue my poor behaviours and choices. It’s also a cursed blessing because, not only has my own awareness increased, but so has the awareness of those who know about my illness. And if they are good people who care about me, they don’t hesitate to point out when things don’t look or feel right. If I am being rigorously honest with myself, then I need to take a hard look at how others perceive me. I am still too quick to minimize or justify a situation, and sometimes, however unwanted it may be, others observations are what I need to take a deeper look at myself. There are still small seeds of guilt and shame that want to prevent me from telling others how I am really doing. My partner, in her infinite wisdom, is helping me to see that, even before I head into my middle circle, there is a gap that grows between us when I’m not working my program well enough. The longer I keep ignoring the problem, the bigger the gap is going to get, pushing me back towards isolation, which is a treacherous place for me. I am grateful for being surrounded by those who are not afraid to tell me how they see it. I can use all the help I need to stay on track.

Affirmation

God, let me be grateful today for those who have the courage to tell me when I am not being as honest with them as I need to be.

February 10

”And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

I spent many years hiding from the truth. I was too afraid to be honest, to be rejected, refused or abandoned for what I thought or how I felt. I lied, or told half-truths, or simply neglected to share things that I should have to stay authentic with myself and others. Years of living like that took its toll, and I became a prisoner to the layers of deceit that I’d built over the years. It’s taken many years to come to a point of living a more genuine and honest existence. I finally got tired of the burden of carrying all the deception with me. It is as though a great weight was lifted from my shoulders, my heart and my soul in becoming truthful. It’s a transformation that needed to start with myself as I had been dishonest with the most important person in my life – me – for a long time. The truth is not always easy. Doing the right thing is often very difficult. But once done, it’s done. There is no web of lies to remember or maintain, no recalling of what version of the truth was told to whom, who is implicated or not, or any of the hundreds of details used to make the mistruths believable. The truth demands none of that, it is simply what it is and I can always recall what it was. Honesty certainly keeps me liberated and open to participating more fully in life.

Affirmation Honesty, starting with being truthful with myself, is a key to turning over a new page in my life and committing to being in recovery.

November 26

”Gossip and anger are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Anonymous

I think I can relate guilt and shame into a similar context from my past. Guilt and shame were the poisons that I used, and that I expected would excuse me from my behaviours by making everything someone else’s fault. It gave me the 1001 excuses to write off my poor choices and actions. I have found a cure, and it was the 12-Steps that brought it to my attention. The answer – no more secrets. Honesty is the key to my recovery. My addiction thrives in the darkness, and flounders in the light of the truth. Only through rigorous honesty, first and foremost with myself, do I have a chance of regaining sanity and a life that is worth living. I choose to avoid poisoning myself. Honesty allows me to admit my mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, and to seek to make true amends for the hurt and damage I have caused. I know too well that holding on to the guilt and shame, nurturing them and helping them grow, was a path to my own destruction. The truth is building a new road to the future, even if it needs to be lain one brick at a time.

Affirmation I need to let go of the weights of the past, the guilt and the shame, that held me captive in my addiction. Honesty is the breath of fresh air that will lead me from my prison.

October 29

”The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is insincerity.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

There have been a number of occasions where the consequences of my actions that finally caught up with me, or that I finally had the courage to face. One of the saving graces, a lesson learned from the 12 Steps, has been to be honest. Being frank and open about situations has certainly improved the outcome of many of these encounters. Not that it has been easy. Admitting even parts of my issues and past behaviours can be daunting. However, I thank my groups for having given me a place where each week I can bare my soul, and I attribute the practice of this sharing in such a safe environment for giving me the courage to do so in the real world. Overcoming my past behaviours of lying and insincerity has been a lot of work. But I have many opportunities each day to practice living with integrity and honesty. Telling the truth, being truly sincere, might be harder in the short-term, but it does not require the long-term upkeep that my webs of lies used to. And that in itself is a great freedom.

Affirmation Sincerity and open, honest communications are a required part of the foundation of my recovery, and for rebuilding trust and relationships.

June 16

”Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.” Proverbs 12:19

This quote is interesting, but I can relate to it better if I think in an opposing sense. Telling the truth takes but a single time, but telling a lie often starts in motion a story that must be continued without end, compounding lie upon lie to maintain the original. So indeed, truthful lips endure forever, because what is said is believed and is accepted. The lying tongue however has its work cut out for it, as many more lies will need to be fabricated to continue keeping the truth hidden. Honesty is more than just telling the truth, it is also taking ownership of my deeds and confessing when I could easily omit letting others know what happened. The thing is, there are always at least 2 people who know anything that happens in my life, me and my Higher Power. So I really can’t say that no one else knows what has happened – the God of my understanding was right there with me.  Secrecy has been the cornerstone of my addictive behaviour. Opening the shutters and letting the light of the truth pierce the darkness has lifted the veil of lies I hid behind for all those years. I no longer need to exercise my lying tongue, I am content to tell the truth and give my mouth some rest.

Affirmation My shadow need not rule my life. Instead I can look towards the light instead of focusing on the deception that lies behind me.

April 17

”We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.” George Bernard Shaw

The program teaches that we need to be rigorously honest with ourselves. This is a challenging endeavour in a society that seems to live more under the opinion of trying to get away with as much as possible. The idea that we can drive 10-20% over the speed limit and not get a ticket, that we can download pirated music and movies for free, that we can rush to an ATM that is giving out double the request amount in error, all these small ways show how society chooses to ignore honesty as the best policy. Yet as a recovering addict, I can no longer afford the luxury of being deceitful, even in the smallest of occasions. I have spent too many moments of my life inventing ways to cover up all the things that were destroying my life. If I am truly taking the program and the 12 Steps to heart, it also implies taking a look at the 10 commandments, and even older guiding principle on how to live one's live. Religion aside, those 10 phrases require a lot of honesty to maintain, and are centered on the good of others before one's selfish interests. Maybe the world would be a better place if more of us were in a 12-Step fellowship and we could go back to living simpler and more connected lives. I certainly know that I am grateful to be in those rooms with my second lease on life, and a greater understanding of what living truly means. The truth has set me free and I expect it to continue to do so as I progress along my path.

Affirmation I will be honest with myself today, even if it goes against the norms of those around me. It is my own morals, values, and sobriety that are at stake if I short-change myself.

January 7

”You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.” Frank Crane

Trust is a huge issue for me as an addict, mainly in two respects. The first is in trusting myself, after all the lies and damage I have caused, the lack of self-control and manageability I have suffered at the hands of my addiction. The second is in being worthy of the trust of others after years of lying, cheating, manipulating and breaking promises. It is not without just cause that people should be cautious putting their confidence in me. Fortunately there is a solution to both my concerns, and it happens to be the same thing – honesty. In becoming honest with myself – my thoughts, feelings and actions – I also become more accepting of the consequences. Honesty is also the bridge that I need to use to rebuild trust in my other relationships. It will take time to repair the damage, but being truthful and genuine goes a long way to re-establishing my connection to others. Trust, like respect, is a two-way street. Allowing myself to be open and to get close to others also adds the risk of getting hurt. Just as this is true for those who are willing to get to know me better. But, this is necessary to break out of my habits of isolating and to become an active participant in the world around me.

Affirmation Trust is easily broken and slow to heal. Let me continue to live an honest life and those relationships will be rebuilt, one brick at a time.

January 3

”Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.” Carl Sagan

Absence of evidence, boy did I think I was good at covering my tracks of my acting out. I guess I was to some degree as I was able to keep taking greater and greater risks, or more likely I was just lucky. In reality I was caught red-handed more than once, but even that was not enough arrest my behaviours for more than a short period of time. The bigger problem is that my double-life, my lies, sneaking around and hidden activities only destroyed the trust of those close to me. Because I was good at keeping secrets it has made regaining that trust that much more of a challenge. I have lost relationships because the confidence could not be regained; it was and would have always remained an issue. Even still being in recovery, working my program, praying, meditating, reading, writing and all the other of my tools are not necessarily evidence of my continuing abstinence. Those who care about me have to take my sobriety on faith as I cannot provide any guarantees other than the fact that I am trying to be in recovery today. My promises are not worth much, and even less the further into the future that they extend. I need to provide continual proof that my behaviours are changing and also have to be prepared to answer any question at any time. My honest and open responses are paramount to rebuilding trust.

Affirmation I commit to being an open book. I have more to prove that I am working my program to regain the trust of those who are important in my life.

October 21

"The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold.” Aristotle

I think this is one of the first quotes that really hit me in the face as I began my recovery. Coming to admit that I had an addiction, to acknowledge probably for the first time the dual life I had been living was certainly difficult. I spent many weeks questioning everything about me and my past, trying to separate the lies from the truth. I know I practiced a lot of deception through my years of acting out. I think I was hard pressed to think of someone whom I hadn’t lied to along the way. It became part of my addict, seeking ways to disguise the truth to keep access to my compulsive and destructive behaviours. Through the program I have regained my capacity for honesty. Finding a group of sympathetic people where I was free, even welcome and encouraged, to share my deepest and darkest secrets and fears, has gradually allowed me to regain my faith in open and honest communication. I have shared so many things with people, complete strangers, which I thought I would never tell another soul. At a more basic level, I am truthful with myself and how I am feeling and this shows in my deeds as well.

Affirmation Honesty is truly the best policy and it’s only through the truth, through the revelation of my secrets, that I will be set free.

September 24

”I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” Pietro Aretino

Joining SAA has been the start of a re-commitment to being honest. It is hard to start being truthful to myself, admitting my mistakes, acknowledging my actions, and being prepared to accept the consequences. It has been a simple admission that I am not a bad person but that I have made poor decisions that led me to my bottoming out. Today is about making better choices. I have more confidence as I know I don’t need to do things all on my own. I am learning to trust in the God of my understanding to remain teachable and open to His will. The atmosphere of my meetings has provided me safe haven to share my secrets and deflate their power. It has allowed me to accept myself as I am, the good parts and the not-so-good all mixed together. I feel much less shame about who I am and what I have done. My continuing journey of self-acceptance has enabled me to carry this confidence into the rest of my life. I am improving as a father, as a colleague and as a friend as I connect with others rather than isolating and hiding in my own little world. Honesty is a regular part of my day, in all things big or small. It’s important to me that I be an authentic and genuine person. I feel better at the end of the day knowing that I have followed the better path in dealing with others and with myself.

Affirmation For today I will focus on telling the truth and in listening to the true way I feel as events take place around me.

June 13

”Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Anonymous

I am learning how to be more rigorously honest, about myself and with others. Lying and keeping secrets are traits from my past that I don’t want to be part of the recovering me. It takes energy and effort to speak what is true and to express how I feel. But at the end of the day I can feel good about having lived my day with integrity and authenticity. I rarely feel like I live a double life. I see my life more like the yin-yang symbol. There is hope in my darkness that is increasing yet there still exists some darkness in all that is good. To be balanced and whole I need to recognize and accept all that the aspects of who I am. Just because the potential for me to do wrong exists within me, I can choose not to give in to those temptations and desires. When I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power I find the strength to focus on using my outer circle behaviours, my positive traits and character assets and I live a fuller, saner and better life. At the end of the day I am accountable only to myself and my Higher Power. If I can reflect on my daily activities, rejoice in the good and learn from the bad that I have lived to the best of my ability. Progress in a positive direction is my aim.

Affirmation Living with integrity is my goal for today; I no longer care to live as a hypocrite.

May 3

”It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen” Herodotus

Early recovery has been difficult…for me it has meant taking a number of risks. I risk being honest with myself and others. I risk trying new ways of coping with life. I risk sharing my past and present with those in my groups. I risk reconnecting my head to my heart and experiencing my emotions. All these risks make me vulnerable and it is far from comforting to expose myself. The other, and maybe largest, risk that I have had to take in recovery is accepting that I cannot do this, not only recovery – but life, on my own. I need to welcome my Higher Power back into my life and accept the guidance that comes my way. Admitting I am not the master of my own destiny is frightening. Yet for me, like many of these risks, my fears and anxiety are often worse than how things actually turn out. Honesty is getting easier and while it still may be hard, it is a lot simpler than having to maintain a web of lies. The new ways of living mean that I need to be responsible and cannot simply run away, but once something has been dealt with I can move on with my life. Reconnecting to my feelings and moving forward with my emotional maturity has been challenging. Letting feelings come and be experienced, however, is not as bad as I had imagined. Turning my will over to my Higher Power actually gives me a new sense of freedom and personal power.

Affirmation I will dare to risk doing something for my recovery today that frightens me; the reward is worth it.

March 14

”Secrecy, once accepted, becomes an addiction” Edward Teller

Someone once shared that keeping secrets is the principal way to stay in the addictive cycle. I’ve also heard other members share that their secret life was a large part of what they were addicted to; the ability to have a secondary life to escape from the pressure and stress of one’s normal life. In any event, most of us can agree that keeping secrets is not helpful or healthy in moving us towards recovery. It can be challenging to let go of our habit of keeping secrets. It has been such a large part of our identity and addiction; being able to have a self-created world where we seem to be the master. In recovery and in looking deeper within ourselves, we begin to see that our secret life is merely a delusion and its sole purpose is to feed our addictive behaviour. Honesty, primarily with yourself, is a key to changing our way of thinking and to make progress in the program. Without this change of attitude and behaviour, we are likely to struggle in removing ourselves from our secret life.

Affirmation Just for today I will keep no secrets, live in the here and now.

February 5

”This above all, to thine own self be true.” William Shakespeare

From that first admission that we have a problem, that first time in a meeting when we say out loud that we are a sex addict, we have embarked upon the journey to rediscovering our true self. Many of us have led our double lives for so long that we are no longer aware where our public face ends and our addictive self begins. As we progress in our recovery, we are likely to question just how much parts of both these personalities are the “real” us and we may wonder if we really even know who we want to or should be. It is in these times of self doubt that we need the support of our friends, family and our SAA group to show us the genuine person they see. We need help in finding the things we do selflessly and to begin to re-establish our values, morals, character strengths and weaknesses. In many ways we are lucky since we can choose the aspects that we really want to be part of our lives and make them part of the recovering person we are transforming into.

Affirmation Today I will look at myself through the eyes of those who care about me and strive to be that person.

February 2

“O what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott

As an addict we begin to realize that we have become, or at least think that we have become, masterful liars. We have managed to keep our addictive life and self a secret from those most dear to us among many others. We may even have a public face that is in sharp contrast to our addictive self, someone who is a prominent or respected figure in the community. But we harbour a darker side that would shock many if they ever knew even half the truth about our hidden lives. The harder part of the equation is how we lied to ourselves. By taking the First Step and admitting we have a problem we open the door to a new path of being honest. Taking those first acts of being truthful help to slowly distance us from the control of our addiction. Many of us start slowly by sharing our story with our sponsor or our group and before long we find we are sharing things that we never thought we could tell anyone. In letting go of our secrets we begin to free ourselves of the guilt and shame we carry with us.

Affirmation I acknowledge that road to being authentic and genuine begins with the simple truths. I will be honest with myself and others for today.

February 1

“Do nothing secretly; for Time sees and hears all things, and discloses all.” Sophocles

One of the first harsh realities we have to face as addicts is that we have been dishonest – we have lied to our families, friends, colleagues and most importantly ourselves. Taking that first step in admitting we have a problem, that we are indeed addicts, starts us on the road to living more authentic lives. Our ultimate goal is simply this, to be at a point where what we think, what we say and what we do are all in agreement and harmony with each other. We’ve likely learned from past experience that our secrets eventually catch up with us; we will be found out or slip-up in keeping our addiction hidden. Rather than needing to deal with the shame, regret and all the other negative feelings that accompany being secretive, we can learn to be open about where we are and how we are doing. Sharing in this way with our group and sponsor frees us from the burden of carrying our secrets and covering our tracks and enables us to move into recovery.

Affirmation Today I will be honest with myself, and the truth shall set me free.