December 31

”Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.” Henri Nouwen

Spending holidays without my kids puts some of my past into perspective. It’s a reminder of the cost my addiction. But it was also a time for reflection, and where I noticed that I am better able to be alone. As my group’s promises state, “reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness.” This is something that I have begun to notice in my life, that my loneliness is indeed transforming into solitude. My addiction was lonely, and being alone was indeed painful, which led to my wanting to find some way to soothe the suffering. My medication was to act out, and I can see how so much of that past behaviour stemmed from desperation. Solitude comes from the serenity I experience in recovery. The fact that I no longer feel driven by my addiction, but that I know I can rely on my Higher Power, my group, friends, family, and even myself, has shown me the power of community. I have finally come to find peace within, and that is the best gift I could ever hope for.

Affirmation I will enjoy the tranquility of life, the quiet moments to simply sit and just be. I do not need external things to distract me from being alone.

August 8

”We have no need to find courage. It is already within all of us. We simply need to reclaim it.” Lance Secretan

The transition from loneliness to solitude for me is about stopping my tendency to escape and avoid what I am thinking and especially what I am feeling. Being alone is ok and being in a crowd is alright, but in either case or anywhere in between my head can be on its way out the door into the past, into fantasy, into planning, into regretting, into worry or any other number of places to get away from the here and now as fast as possible. It is all too easy for me to zone out in front of the TV, computer, a book, video game or whatever. It takes energy, effort and courage to stay focused in the present, to let my thoughts and feelings be experienced and then allowed to pass. But the reward is that I have less baggage to carry with me and it makes it easier to live just for today. As I have often written, my life in recovery is a lot less about learning new things as it is in rediscovering my positive traits and abilities that have lain dormant. I am finding my source of courage, hope, strength and resolve that reside at the core of my being and making better use of them. I am reclaiming my body, my mind, my heart and my soul.

Affirmation I will seek out the strengths that lie within me, my Higher Power has given me the tools to use I just need to pick them up.

February 14

”Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich

I am alone, I am lonely. These ideas are often a core aspect of many of our fears and triggers. In one group they have a set of promises about working the program, one of which talks about eventually turning loneliness into solitude. This is a hard concept for many of us, we have spent so long hiding in our addiction to avoid confronting ourselves that we are very afraid of the prospect. Working the steps of recovery gives us a gentle path to reconnect to our inner selves and rediscover and regenerate our self esteem. Eventually through our efforts, with the help of our Higher Power we will succeed in transforming our loneliness into solitude and learn to be at peace with ourselves.

Affirmation Today I will take some time to be by myself, to take an honest look in the mirror and to be alright with what I see.

February 12

”Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” Mary Sarton

Most sex addicts struggle with the idea of being alone. We have come to believe that without someone else in our life, someone who meets our needs, that we are not whole, not complete. It is challenging to come to terms with the concept that we must learn to be comfortable in our own skin, to be happy with ourselves by ourselves. It is not a prospect that many of us relish. One of the keys in progressing to this stage of transforming loneliness into solitude is the faith and understanding that our Higher Power is with us and will take care of our needs. Putting our trust in the God of our understanding removes the burden of ever having to be truly alone. We can instead be accompanied by our Higher Power and in those moments truly focus on strengthening our spiritual connection. Like many things we have come to discover in our journey to recovery, our ability to be comfortable with ourselves, alone and tranquil, is something that we have forgotten along the way. We don’t have to learn it brand new, we simply need to find out how to reintegrate it into our positive behaviours to help in restoring our sanity.

Affirmation I can be alone with the knowledge that my Higher Power is holding my hand.