December 29

” Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Confucius

The holiday season can be a particularly difficult one. It has indeed been hard for me over the past several years, for different reasons. Well, maybe not that different, many of my recent Christmas’ have been challenging because my family has had significant changes – some of those losses because of my separation and divorce, others because of gains as I also remarried and created a blended family. Each season of change brings with it unique aspects to adjust to and incorporate into the “new normal.” Through all of this, going with all my heart has been an underlying goal, but certainly something more difficult as I have dealt with losses. It is not always easy or obvious how to focus on all the blessings and good things that remain in my life when something important has been lost. Put another way, it’s hard to lead fully with my heart when I am feeling heart-broken. Maybe, in retrospect, I was there in those moments with my all my heart, at least those parts which were still intact. Perhaps this is another area where I need to be gentle with myself and accept that my capacity for love, affection and full commitment to being present is something that fluctuates given the circumstances I find myself in. My 100% doesn’t always translate the same way, and that is okay.

Affirmation

It is okay for my all to not been the same from day to day or season to season. I will focus on being present to the best of my ability, just for today.

December 3

”Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.” William Feather

It is true that there are certain times of the year that have been inherently more difficult than others. Holidays, birthdays, and other special dates take on a new flavour with changes to relationships, new family dynamics, and a sense of grief and loss. I have had to come to terms with my new reality, more than once, and then find a way to accept this and the impact it has on such significant events. It is not always easy. Getting into the Christmas spirit, for example, is not something I feel like doing when I think about what has been lost, how things are not the same. I have to find the strength and the courage to focus on what I still have, and to realize that I still deserve to find happiness today, no matter what the situation is. There is a great deal of truth in the fact that I need to choose to find happiness within, because if my only sources of happiness are things which are external, well many of things are also temporary. That is not a recipe for long-lasting joy. This is a great parallel to my serenity and sobriety. I am not sustained by external things, by my strengthening my connection to my internal powers, my Source or Higher Power, and my sense of self. These are the aspects which will always be there; I only need to focus my energy on them. Joy to the world, I will let my light shine from within.

Affirmation

When I feel unhappy or at odds with the world today, I will slow down, breathe and remember that my true source of happiness and joy lies within me.

December 31

”Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.” Henri Nouwen

Spending holidays without my kids puts some of my past into perspective. It’s a reminder of the cost my addiction. But it was also a time for reflection, and where I noticed that I am better able to be alone. As my group’s promises state, “reaching out in trust and connecting with others will come easier, dispelling our sense of isolation and loneliness.” This is something that I have begun to notice in my life, that my loneliness is indeed transforming into solitude. My addiction was lonely, and being alone was indeed painful, which led to my wanting to find some way to soothe the suffering. My medication was to act out, and I can see how so much of that past behaviour stemmed from desperation. Solitude comes from the serenity I experience in recovery. The fact that I no longer feel driven by my addiction, but that I know I can rely on my Higher Power, my group, friends, family, and even myself, has shown me the power of community. I have finally come to find peace within, and that is the best gift I could ever hope for.

Affirmation I will enjoy the tranquility of life, the quiet moments to simply sit and just be. I do not need external things to distract me from being alone.

December 24

”It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” John Steinbeck

As I spend my first holiday season without my family I certainly can feel the loss of what I destroyed, magnified by this new separation. The potential of what could have been weighs heavy on my thoughts and on my heart. Yet I need to look honestly at where I am today. Even though I may not be with those I love, most especially my children, I know I am with them in spirit as they guard their place in my heart. In truth, my life is much better than it was, and I have the greatest gift I could ever imagine, which is being sexually sober. My sobriety never promised to fix all my problems and to make things right. It is a gift of hope for a better today and the opportunity to continue improving my situation tomorrow. So as I go through these hours and days in a bit of a melancholic funk, I can reflect upon the loss of the past, yet equally rejoice in all that I have gained and all that I still have to be grateful for. There are certainly more blessings in my life than curses and I need not look very far to discover how much better life has become. There are dark places in my life where the lights have been turned off. Yet there are multitudes of other lights that still shine and I know there are others that have yet to be turned on.

Affirmation Being present, being a gift to myself today by being in recovery, this is the best thing that I can hope to receive.

December 7 (57)

”Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again.” Willa Cather

As I prepare for my first holiday season since my separation, it has been hard not to feel the pull back into the past and the weight of all my regrets hanging over me, threatening to pull me under once again. Adding to that fact is the prospect of spending a good portion of the holidays alone. This is a challenge indeed and one where I have been loath to accept offers of help from friends and family, at least thus far. But then do I really trust that I am sufficiently wilful to resist temptation to succumb to the pressure wholly of my own accord? As most days go, it has become routine to deal with the occasional thought, desire or situation which triggers me. I am gaining confidence in my new coping abilities when confronted in these ways. This holiday season is the first major event that I will have to face and endure. I know there are people who will be able to support, yet I also know I may be less likely to want to interrupt their festivities if I need to reach out. A dilemma indeed! Perhaps I can simply accept those good times from the past without focusing on what is lacking today. Being in recovery is a gift in of itself that I can never show enough appreciation for having been granted. I need some extra faith in my Higher Power that this is going to work as it was meant to be.

Affirmation I can face tougher days and humble myself to admit that maybe I cannot, and need not, do everything on my own.