December 20

”Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.” Robert H. Schuller

As Shakespeare might have said, “Ay, there lies the rub.” Of course Hamlet was speaking about life and death and his choices to escape the pain. Then, again, maybe not so dissimilar to Mr. Schuller’s quote. How is it that I can choose to lead my life, by my sorrow and pain, or by my blessings and joy? An outsider might question that musing by asking if I have the power or ability to choose to have only blessings or sorrow in my life. Yet that is not exactly the question I asked, which was which do I choose to be led by? That implies a distinct difference, meaning that I acknowledge I will have both hopes and hurts in life, but that I can choose to focus on whichever I like. Either can be a catalyst for shaping my future. My hurts, I think, tend to lead me towards seeking justice, and sometimes revenge. It is less about growth than trying to rectify the past. In contrast, my hopes lead me towards goals, dreams and accomplishments. These are often acts of creation and service to help better the world around me. I can see how where I put my emphasis can have a big impact on my decisions and actions. I think hoping is a much healthier and productive option.

Affirmation

My future will be brighter if I focus on my hopes and dreams and take measures towards fulfilling them.

November 19 (75)

”Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” Haruki Murakami

As a parent, I’ve often found myself in the role of trying to be in charge of difficult situations, to make sure everyone and everything else was taken care of. Which usually meant in the process that I had no time to be emotionally involved, but had to stay focused, practical and logical. All too often this would mean I could never properly digest my own emotions, and during my active periods of addition I had more fuel to pursue middle and inner circle behaviours. I get hurt. I am allowed to hurt. I can be feeling hurt and still be okay. Hard lessons for me to learn and to accept these are, and actually far from my normal behaviours. Yet I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Life is a series of ups and downs, and I will be better off if I can maintain my balance as I ride along amidst all the turmoil that comes my way. Just as I will hurt, so will others, whether by things I have done or because of things over which I have no control. It’s not my place to remove their hurt, but to give them the time and space they need, and to lend support as best I can. As the program promises, this too shall pass.

Affirmation Being comfortable in discomfort is a reminder that I am human and a testament to be connected to my emotions.

October 7

”The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Samuel Johnson

This certainly has been a challenge for me as I move forward in recovery and my life. Unfortunately, I have hurt people and as I disclose my addiction, I seem to have made more enemies than friends. Those closest to me are some of the people that have injured the most, having deeply betrayed their trust and respect. The boundaries I have crossed cannot be undone, nor the pain taken away. My former spouse, and even my children fall into this category, at least for the time being, as some of them want absolutely nothing to do with me. Yet I am still a parent, and I have a renewed desire to take my responsibility seriously, to be an active part of my kids’ lives, to do a better job of supporting, and displaying my affection and love. I truly believe my children deserve and need both parents in their lives to be healthy and whole. So I will continue to do all that I can to remain a part of their lives while at the same time continuing to improve myself. There is damage I cannot undo in my life, but I refuse to let that stop me from making a healthier future from here on in. The past may never be forgotten or forgiven, but I can start creating new and happy memories today.

Affirmation I recognize that I may never rectify my acts from the past, but I can continue my recovery and living as a better person today.