May 27

"God is lovingly and powerfully present with us in our laments, but sometimes that knowledge needs to be enough. Sometimes we need to learn to love God more than the happy ending we hope for."  Esther Fleece, "No More Faking Fine"

The Websters dictionary definition of lament is "to mourn aloud." I will be the first to admit that mourning is not one of my strengths, not something I am accustomed to or practiced at doing. It, like most of the strong emotions in life, is something I avoided at all costs, especially trying to live up to the image of a male in our society. On the rare occasions I have mourned, they have been done in silence. The same place that I go with my suffering. This is not a part of me that was encouraged to be done in the company of others, with their support, grace and compassion. No it was a battle to be faced alone, unseen because any public display of grief and loss meant I was weak. At least, this is the old me that I am working on changing. Books like No More Faking Fine are teaching me the power of lamenting, of crying out to God when there is pain and suffering, when I don't understand the why's of this world. It is not something I need face alone, for there is more than enough sadness in this life to go around. Sharing it makes it easier to lift the burden on my soul, one teardrop at a time.

Affirmation

God help me to be willing to cry out aloud to you today so I can express my pain, loss, and grief for I know that you are there to listen.

May 6

"Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays."  Soren Keirkegaard

I have to admit than in the past year or so I have felt several pulls into potential activities to be more of service. I have felt this need to find the right fit to put my skills and talents to use, feeling like I was being called by my Higher Power to do just so. Yet everything so far has been just a bright, flashy light attracting my attention. I have made attempts to pursue many of these, yet none has materialized into something solid. Today I am in a similar state, the latest thing to catch my attention is sitting in front of me, and I am questioning if this is the path I am meant to follow. Is it where my Higher Power wants me to focus my attention and make a commitment to this cause? My honest answer is that I simply do not know, being even more unsure of myself and this potential direction given all the other shiny things to which I have been drawn. So this time around I am making a change, I am praying for guidance and direction. I am asking others to do the same, to see if this is indeed the way I am being called forward. I do not know how the answer will come or what it will be. I am simply trusting in God, being faithful to His will, and offering myself to be of service. Let His will be done and I shall be content.

Affirmation

Prayer is my connection to my Higher Power and I will use it to seek direction and guidance when I do not know which way to turn.

May 5

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."  Terry Pratchett

Some say that change is the only constant. I suppose, from a strict scientific look at the world, this is true. Everything is constantly in motion, constantly under the forces of the universe. But as a rational human being, there are times where I would disagree, where I would feel like I am stagnating, frozen in time. Those feelings of being immutable, unchanging, are more a reflection of my thoughts and feelings, my state of mind. They are not fully based on reality. In fact, it requires a conscious ignorance of my surroundings and noticing that things are indeed changing. I have merely chosen for a period of time to ignore this fact. The world moves on whether or not I decide to be aware of what is occurring. They say you can never come home again. I think the above quote accurately contradicts this idea. You can indeed go home again, but you will not be the same person you where when you left. Nor will the others who remained be the same. We are all constantly changing, adapting, and hopefully growing. Our influence lies in guiding what type of change has happened, has it been positive and nurturing, or has it not? That is the heart of the matter.

Affirmation

I will take time to notice the change around me, and choose to be an active participant rather than a spectator on the sideline.

May 3

"Distractions destroy action. If it's not moving you towards your purpose, leave it alone."  Jermaine Riley

I am gaining more awareness of the activities that I use to waste my time, to escape from reality, to simply make the hours pass by me. This is more than simply procrastination, but a choice to avoid doing productive things, to stay away from those things that fulfill my obligations and responsibilities. The other part of this awareness is working to keep my goals and my purpose in mind as I make choices throughout the day. Thanks to this extra time to pause and reflect, and the foundation of my program, I am choosing a path of growth which meets my responsibilities more often. I recall an interview with astronaut Chris Hadfield, who at a young age knew that he wanted to become a space explorer. He clearly stated, that even from the young age, he tailored his life to make choices that only supported his goal, becoming an astronaut. I'll admit I lack that level of discipline, but I can admire that commitment. It does not keep me from striving towards such an ideal.

Affirmation

I will look to maintain a steady course in my recovery and make the right choices today.

May 1

"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” Charles Dickens

I have to admit there have been times when I have felt useless, like I was not making a difference in the world. In short, I have felt that I simply didn't matter. The inner dialogue running through my head was overpowering, negative and diminished my faith in my self and my own sense of worth. I have been my own worst critic far too often. Being in 2020, I feel like the theme of hindsight should be running rampant. Maybe that was the way things were going to go until the pandemic came to the forefront. Perhaps the time for all of us to reflect is still waiting in the weeks and months to come. Yet in this pause I know I have become more aware of some things, and certainly one key point is that in those moments when I have felt the most useless, I have also been the most isolated and lost within my own thoughts. Knowing that I am often unreliable as a judge of my own character must lead to the conclusion that I need to be connected with others. Friends and mentors can often be a better mirror than my own eyes which may deceive me. More so, in connecting with others I am reminded of how I can be useful, what contributions I make in the various aspects of my life, my work and my community. And sometimes the best way of being useful is merely being present for someone else and listening to their own struggles.

Affirmation

Being aware of the vision in the mirror that I perceive and what others would describe can help me to reflect on who I truly am. I am more than the sum of my failures.

April 30

"Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud.” Maya Angelou

On a cloudy day like today it can be easy for me to forget what the warmth of the sun feels like on my skin. I can all too easily relate to the grey skies, reflecting that dreary atmosphere in my own mood. I need to make a conscious effort to realize that I do not need to be a victim to my circumstances. I am not obligated to automatically imitate my surroundings. Rather, I can choose to remember that the sun is still there, however there is simply an obstacle between me and those rays of light. Certainly it's not a barrier that I can remove, but it doesn't change the fact that I have the choice to focus on what is in the way, or my belief and faith that the sun is still there doing its job. This is where my own determination and discipline comes into play. It is easy to do the right things when things are going well, harder when they are not. But it is in the consistency and persistence of my actions that I build resolve and character. Further, where I start my day from, the base attitudes and perceptions I choose to hold onto, affects my interactions with others. If I am being positive, looking for the silver lining in the grey clouds above, I am more likely to be open and willing to be of service, to offer a helping hand or empathetic ear, and to be that rainbow in someone else's cloud.

Affirmation

My own attitude heading into today will have a great influence on my interactions with others so let me choose to be positive no matter the external circumstances.

April 29

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” Zig Ziglar

It has been pretty clear to me in light of the current situation that my goals have shifted, rather drastically in fact. I am certain that I am not the only one going through a bit of an identity crisis as the places that I am needed and allowed to "work" has been greatly influenced. It has made me pause to reflect on what I really want to achieve in life. I still have a good solid job, waiting for me once restrictions lift and we go back to the new normal. In the meantime, however, how do I occupy my time. What "hobbies" do I focus on, are there other ways to use my skills and abilities? Is it a chance to safely explore other potential career paths? These are things that have been running through my mind. In all honesty, the jury is still out. I am weighing my options, while at the same time putting a more concerted effort into reaching out to solidify some aspects like my writing which could become something more than an occasional habit. The more important aspect for me is in realizing that this detour is still a part of the path forward to reaching the goals I want in life. Much of what is happening is beyond my control, yet that doesn't mean I do not have any control - I am still able to pick a direction and go that way. I can still choose the person I am aspiring to become.

Affirmation

Reflecting on who I am and who I wish to be can help me make the right choices today.

April 28

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” Roald Dahl

One of the struggles in my recovery has been rediscovering joy and happiness. After years of depriving myself of these feelings in the endless pursuit of lustful pleasure, my senses were warped. In fact, I strongly related to the term pleasure deaf when I first heard it early in recovery, it was an apt description of my emotional state. It has taken dedication and commitment to working my program of recovery for me to re-engage a healthy and balanced emotional state. Now with years of recovery under my belt, I am once again able to enjoy a beautiful sunrise, relish in the birds singing in the early morning light, savour a well-cooked meal, feel the warmth of a smile, and delight in time spent with a loved one. It is not surprising, looking back at those years spent in my addiction, that my outward appearance often did not let the sunshine peer through. I was living a lie, hiding in my double-life. Today as I live a more genuine and authentic life, the light within has regained the power to  shine forth into the world. And that is a lovely thought indeed.

Affirmation

Today I will practice letting the sun shine forth from within, through smiles, laughing and a cheery demeanour.

April 27

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right.” Napoleon Hill

Fear is a powerful emotion, often paralyzing, freezing me in my tracks, even before I have attempted to take the first step. Fear of failure, of making the wrong choice, of not being able to follow through, of not having the skills or ability to succeed. My fear manifests in many different forms, but no matter how it appears, the goal is the same, to keep me within the safe and comfortable chains of what I know. This is not a recipe for growth or change. In order learn, to improve, to become a better person, I need to take risks and voyage into the unknown. I need to break free from the chains of my past to try something new, to be open to failure, to be vulnerable. In my struggles I am learning to see the presence of fear from a new perspective. Rather than it being an obstacle, it is becoming a sign post that I am moving towards growth and development, that I am challenging myself and my beliefs. It is becoming an clear indicator that I am making progress and moving in a new direction. I am turning my fear into positive motivation.

Affirmation

I will pause when I feel afraid today to investigate the message behind it, and look to use it to fuel my decision to change and grow.

April 26

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” Robin Williams

I have often question my place and purpose in the world, especially when things are not going the way I had planned or hoped. In those moments, it is hard to feel like I am making a difference or that I matter. The program is teaching me that it is in these times, especially, that I need to focus on my blessing and practice gratitude. For I can all too easily get caught up in what I am missing, completely forgetting about all the blessings which have been given to me. There is also another lesson that I have been practicing,  and that is performing acts of service. Doing something for others, merely because I can and I am able, is important. It is a small way to change the world for someone else. And it is a great way from me to get out of my own head and to show that I can be useful, that what I do matters. It is also about supporting and building my community.  At the end of the day, when I look back objectively, I can usually find a few things that I have done to show that it mattered that I was in the world for the day. Even if it was only paying a compliment, holding a door open, or giving a friendly smile to a stranger. Even those simple acts of kindness help to make the world a better place to be.

Affirmation

I can practice gratitude and acts of kindness today to  help the world be a kinder place to live.

April 25

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale

I tend to be an organized person, I like to have a plan, to know where I am going and what I intend to do. I am often disrupted by changes, avoid spontaneity, and dislike surprises. I was certainly more rigid in these respects before discovering the 12 Steps. These qualities have their usefulness, but as I have learned in retrospect, can also become obstacles. Trying to plan everything is akin to trying to control everything. My recovery has certainly enlightened me in the fact that I do not, and cannot, control most things. Which leads to the second half of the quote, letting go and see what happens. I'll admit that this often feels foreign to me. But I know that it is also putting my faith into action - my faith in the process of my program of recovery, faith in the will of my Higher Power, trust in the people around me who support me. As the saying goes, faith without works means nothing. I am learning to trust that my faith is sufficient, that the God of my understanding is more than enough to lean on to make it through whatever comes my way.

Affirmation

I will exercise my faith today by letting go, and trusting in the plan of my Higher Power for me.

April 23

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Unlearning is an important part of my recovery program. I have grown up with false beliefs and perceptions of the world around me. My growth has happened as much from the new things I have been presented as it has been in letting go of old things that no longer support my life and its path forward. This is my understanding of Step Three, of turning my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding. It is opening myself to a divine guidance to lead me into the life I was meant to live. It is accepting that I am not in control of everything, and that often I do not know what is best for me. Letting go has been challenging work, it has not been a natural thing to handle. But like many things I am learning and practicing it gets easier with time. I am seeing the positive results as I submit myself to seek the counsel of my Higher Power and stop resisting the course He wants me to follow.

Affirmation

Let Go and Let God is the principle I shall try to focus on today, to seek out His Will and go in the direction that is offered.

April 22

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” William James

There are days where it feels like I am simply going through the motions. In times like this I usually do not feel like I am being useful or productive, that what I do makes a difference. I need to take the time when I feel like this to pause and reflect. Those feelings of not being worthwhile or doing things of purpose are ways my addiction lies to me to diminish my worth and esteem. The tape playing in my head is all too often negative and critical. I have found my meditation and work in learning tools of mindfulness helps to calm that noise, to centre myself and to remember that I am much more than those thoughts try to suggest.  I have also learned that because I am my own worst critic, I often need to rely on others for a more honest opinion of who I am. People I trust are there to remind me of the good things I do, the contributions I make, the talents and qualities that I have to offer the world. This is a great place for me to turn so that I can be reminded that I do indeed matter, and that I am making a difference in the world.

Affirmation

I will be aware when my thoughts turn grey and negative today, pause, reflect, and remember that I more and worthy. I matter.

April 15

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Mahatma Gandhi

Finding myself with too much free time is usually not a good thing. It can lead me to old habits to fill up that empty space. In recovery, I am recognizing that I need to use this time wisely, and one healthy way of doing so is to use it to be of service. This can take many forms, reaching out to someone in the program, doing some chores around the house, or volunteering my time and effort to a worthy cause. These acts of service are not only beneficial to the others I am serving. It is a productive use of my time, it is part of my outer circle, and it connects me to my community and the world around me. It builds up my self-esteem and pride, gives me a sense of accomplishment, and promotes life and growth. My journey is mostly one of self-discovery. About shedding light in the dark corners, but also in recognizing the good and promoting my talents and abilities. I have a lot to offer the world, and I am grateful for the opportunities I have to share myself with others. This is much more rewarding than my selfish behaviours of the past.

Affirmation

Being of service today is a win-win for me and the others I choose to help.

April 14

"The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.” Robert Jordan

In this new normal, I am still learning, learning how to adapt, cope, survive and even thrive. I am learning things like the fact that resilience is a choice. It's not an innate talent, but something that can be and is learned, strengthened, improved. There are many things that help me to be more resilient, more effective when faced with change. The recipe isn't all that complicated nor magical. It involves taking care of the basics, proper eating, sleeping, exercise. It also involves gratitude, recognizing my blessings. It is also balance, being ok when I am not ok, recognizing that this is an acceptable state. As is often touted in the program, this too shall pass. It is about re-focusing and finding purpose and things to accomplish. In other words, resiliency boils down to making the best of whatever situation life presents to me. It is about knowing my strengths and weaknesses, seeing limitations, setting goals, and finding the places where I can turn impossible into I'm possible. This is how I can thrive, no matter what comes my way.

Affirmation

I have the ability to be resilient in the face of change, to use the skills and knowledge I possess to make it through to the other side.

April 13

"Only those you trust can betray you.” Terry Goodkind

Trust is a fickle thing, it usually takes a long time to gain with an individual, but it can be lost very quickly, and sometimes through just a careless word or act. And rebuilding trust afterwards can feel like a Herculean task. I've experienced a loss of trust, both as being the one betrayed, but also as the betrayer. Neither of which are an enjoyable or enviable experience. The key to gaining trust and rebuilding it from my own history is simply honesty. The truth is required to build a trusting relationship, and it is also what is required to start over when it has been broken. It helps to remember that we are human, and that we make mistakes. The gist of the program is about learning to live with life on life's terms, without turning to my compulsive and obsessive behaviours to avoid, escape or otherwise cope. Tough times and bad things will still happen, but there are things I have learned to get me through them with the support of others.

Affirmation

I know honesty is the best policy and it is the basic requirement for trust in all my relationships.

April 8

"As with all commandments, gratitude is a description of a successful mode of living. The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us.” James E. Faust

I read somewhere that the difference between giving thanks and being grateful is that the former is done with words, but the latter through action. I guess that is a bit apparent in the two terms - giving thanks versus being grateful. We give compliments, praise, and thanks, and this usual implies our words. But being kind, courteous or grateful, is indeed more about our actions. It can include words but needs to be something more. So listing things I am grateful for is more akin to just giving thanks. To express gratitude to someone, well maybe that is accompanied by a token of my appreciation, or some act of service to show how I felt. It requires more commitment from me to express appropriately. Giving thanks is certainly a part of gratitude, but in being grateful, I am changing who I am for the better, seeking the positive, improving myself to make the world a nicer, kinder, gentler place.

Affirmation

I will practice gratitude today, finding acts of showing how grateful I am for the people and blessing I have in my life.

April 7

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” Joseph Addison

It still amazes me how the simple things in life can bring so much meaning. Waking up with the sun shining brightly and the birds singing, smelling the air of a fresh, spring breeze, hearing the wind gentle rustle the leaves in the trees - these things bring me joy and happiness. This is a gift that awaits me each and every day. It was not that long ago that I was in a place where I could not recognize anything like that, where I was focused solely on the empty promises of my addiction. There were so many things I overlooked, or could not see or even believe were there for me to enjoy because of the narrow focus of my reality. How grateful I am that the horizons of my world have once again opened so that I can experience the vastness of the glories of the earth and all its splendours. There is so much beauty and wonder to see, hear, touch, taste and feel, so much more than I could have ever believed possible. This is one of the greatest blessings of my recovery, my second chance to exist in the marvels of this life.

Affirmation

Nature is a powerful healing force and I will seek out opportunities to immerse myself today.

April 6

"Learn to pause...or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.” Doug King

Being still and quiet is not a natural thing for me. I am more often an human doing rather than a human being. However, I am grateful that my recovery program is teaching me the necessity and benefits of slowing down. I am learning that I need not fill every moment of every day with some task. Simply being present is an equally important and rewarding thing for me to do. Self-awareness is a gift in and of itself. I believe that my Higher Power is constantly offering me signs of the path I am to take, His Will. But if I never pause, never stop to listen or look for His signals, how can I expect to know what it is? This is one of the key benefits of taking these regular breaks in my day. Another time when these moments of reflection are useful is near the end of the day. Taking a few minutes to review my day, my Step 10 stock-taking, are also a good way to look at my accomplishments, challenges, and blessings. I am starting a routine of generating a list of five to ten things I am grateful for to share with my sponsor to note the positives of my day.

Affirmation

Slow down, breathe, be present in the moment. This is a tool I will practice today to maintain my calm, serenity and find peace in the busyness of the world.

April 5

"Love the moment, and the energy of the moment will spread beyond all boundaries.” Sister Mary Corita Kent

I do try to meditate daily, not only for a defined period of time, but also taking periodic pauses in my day to reflect on my breath and to ground myself in the present. Although I still consider myself a beginner at all this mindfulness business, I have noticed positive impacts in my life. Taking these intentional breaks to slow down, pause, and focus on the present helps to slow down the hamster wheel of thoughts in my head. It gives me time to reflect, to concentrate on the truly important things, to quiet my mind and to feel connected to myself and my Higher Power. I do think there is a great deal of love present in those moments. It is a time to refuel, recharge, and to set a healthier path before me. There is a definite power in the stillness and focus of the present moment.

Affirmation

I will seek opportunities to calm my mind and my thoughts and to ground myself in the present.

April 4

"The best way out is always through.” Robert Frost

Challenges seem to be ever-present. I am finding these past few days more difficult than usual, the thought of having to remain distant from friends and family for even more weeks than originally planned has cranked up my anxiety level. I am beginning to feel the effects of confinement, even though most of the weight in the walls of this prison are self-made through doubts and fears. Yet the effect is the same as if they were made of three metre thick cement walls. And so I turn back to my new methods of coping, of looking to focus on the things I can change, which always quickly boil down to me - my thoughts, words and actions. There is little else in my direct control, all the rest I need to leave in the hands of my Higher Power. So, what can I do to cope? I am praying and meditating on a daily basis, having no excuse for a lack of time or other priorities. I am staying connected to friends and family, through virtual means, but keeping in touch nonetheless. I am trying to accomplish some task or part of a bigger task every day. I am eating well, trying to get some exercise, go for a walk with my dogs, have some quality time with my wife. This is what works for me to get through. And tomorrow will be more of the same - lather, rinse, repeat.

Affirmation

Difficult times may lay before me today, but I am confident that I have the tools and skills to work my way through them.

April 3

"Worship changes the worshiper into the image of the One worshiped.” Jack W. Hayford

I am sure the author of the quote didn't intend for this, but I see a clear double meaning behind the quote. I know it's meant to refer to what happens when one appropriately worships God or a Higher Power that is loving, kind and forgiving. But as a recovering addict, I see the counterpoint that worshiping my addiction had a similar effect. Giving my attention to that false idol took me down roads to become more and more like it, assuming the false beliefs and deviant compulsive and obsessive behaviours like a familiar set of clothes. Yet there is hope in this message. The steps are a path to lead me back towards a healthy and strong relationship with a better idol, a true Higher Power that promises to restore me to sanity. In giving myself over to His Will, my image in turn becomes more like what I am putting my faith in. I become a vessel of love, compassion, and forgiveness. Recovery is restoring my right to choose, the power to decide which god or God that I will worship. My growing awareness of who I am, my faults and my strengths, is leading me towards the path of life I believe I was meant to have. And certainly the restoral of sanity and serenity that I have already experienced makes my Higher Power worthy of my praise and worship.

Affirmation

I will give thanks for my recovery today, for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me, for a Higher Power who cares and loves me in spite of my past.

April 2

"I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.” Lao Tzu

Keep it simple. Good advice for anyone, especially me as a recovering addict. That means going back to the basics, making sure that I eat well, get a good night's sleep, exercise, and have good hygiene. It also means that I need to work my program, pray, meditate, stay in touch with my support network, journal, and practice gratitude and my affirmations.    Be patient. Easier said than done. The Serenity Prayer is a big part of this for me - focusing on what I can change and accepting that things will happen according to my Higher Power's time and schedule requires relinquishing the reins. I need to be conscious that I need to slow down, breathe, and focus on the present moment.     Have compassion for myself and others. This is about being gentle and kind, reminding myself that everyone is going through something. We are all human, we all have struggles, but each of us also has the same right to be treated with respect and dignity. I need to seek to understand others as much as I wish to be understood.

Affirmation

I will seek to be patient and compassionate today, and focus on the simple things in life.

April 1

"Honest people don't hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte

In discovering that I had an addiction, I turned to honesty as one of the improvements that I needed to make. Not only has this affected my self-awareness when I slip into deceit, but it has attuned my radar to see dishonesty in others. This can be a blessing and a curse. The problem here is how I choose to react, if I react at all, when I notice someone else who is not being fully transparent.    That's quite a dilemma. I need to take a step back and remember the times that I was confronted with my own lies. How did that feel? There were certainly approaches that did not encourage me to disclose and be honest about what secrets I had been keeping. Other moments were more gentle, trusting, and where I felt that the person calling my bluff genuinely wanted to help, rather than accuse and shame me for my actions.     I am still a human being, and I still avoid being completely truthful from time to time. Yet I see the value in being more honest. It might be more difficult in the moment, but it is healthier and more conducive to keeping my relationships healthy with others. My goal is to be an open book, to be transparent, to no longer be secretive and deceitful.

Affirmation

Honesty, in myself and others, may be a challenge today, but I will approach it with kindness and courage.

March 31

"In the struggle between the stone and water, in time, the water wins.” Japanese Proverb

I  have been known to be resistant to change. I have been like the stone, rooted in place, firm, and unmoving. Fear, anxiety, worry, anger, these were my shell, my defense, my excuse to avoid change. Or, to even admit that there was a need for change in the first place.    That was then and this is now. The work I am doing in recovery, the path I am taking as I learn about and work the 12 Steps, continues to show me that I need to be open to change. I am spending time unlearning lessons from the past. I need to shed these old beliefs and habits so that I can make new for better, healthier ones.     I am less like the stone and now more fluid like the water. I see change happening around me and to me, and I am more accepting of it. I am learning to accept that life is not rigid, but ever-changing, and this is what is normal. I am no longer inclined to try to freeze things to satisfy the needs of my addiction.

Affirmation

Changes are a natural part of the world; today I shall work at being flexible like water and not rigid as stone.

March 30

"I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.” Duke Ellington

I find this a fascinating concept - taking the energy that I might use to pout (or worry, or complain, or whatever else) and then use that to fuel an activity which is more productive. In fact, upon reflection, that is often the case when I write, especially these meditations. I was searching for a quote about grey skies when the above quote presented itself - why you may ask? Well, because I am currently feeling a little blue myself.      Yet in spite of that feeling, I am channeling the energy into something creative. Using this space, the medium, to work through those grey feelings. I very often do not know what direction my writing will take me, but I have gained faith that this is a healthy tool of my recovery, and that my Higher Power has a strong hand in guiding the words that will fall onto the page. More often than not, the words have served as reminder to me months or even years later. There's little denying a divine purpose when these moments occur.     Even better, although only minutes have passed since I began to write this meditation, I can already feel my attitude and state of being changing. I am more positive, I have a small sense of accomplishment of having created something useful. There is also a certain sense of victory for having faced my feelings but also having dealt with them in a constructive fashion. Just another step of progress along the winding road of recovery.

Affirmation

I can channel my negative energies into something positive, make a concerted effort to create something good out of them.

March 29

"But fear is an incompetent teacher...to be alive is a responsibility as well as a right.” Patrick Stewart

I've heard the mantra in the program than pain is a teacher. I think that is a more valuable assessment, so I agree with the actor's statement as Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, fear is not a great teacher. Fear has taught me to hide, to cower, to run away from adversity and difficult. Pain used to teach me the same thing, but only because I turned to the compulsive and obsessive behaviours and acts of my addiction. In recovery, pain is a signal that there is something going on that I need to pay attention to, that this is an opportunity for growth and change, not something that I from which I need to escape.      I have been given this life, for a reason, I have a purpose. I have both a responsibility, and the right, to use the talents, skills, and abilities that I possess, to live the best and most productive life that I can. My addictive past was selfish and self-centered. My life in recovery, while taking care of myself may be seen as a selfish act, is all about widening my horizons so that I am an active part of my community and the world. It is about being the best me I can in order to give service to others.     I still face fear and pain. I still have regret, shame and guilt. Yet these are no longer the dominating emotions in my world. Rather, I am able to focus on the hope, joy, serenity and beauty in the world. I am maturing, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even in my relationships. I am more connected to myself, more in harmony between my thoughts, words, and actions.

Affirmation

I will be open to the signs of fear and pain in my life today and look for the opportunities within them for growth and development.