November 30 (64)

”Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” Victor Borge

Realistically my addiction is no laughing matter. It is a damaging aspect of my life that has ruined many relationships and threatened a multitude of others. Yet at the same time I need to be able not to take everything from my past too seriously. I took many dumb risks, found myself in many crazy situations that in retrospect were ridiculous. Laughing about some of my escapades is healthy. It helps diminish the power of fantasy and promise that my addiction offered. It also is humbling and a reminder of my fallibility as a human being. There is often laughter in my meetings and it’s a testament to the bond that forms in our groups. It’s also a reflection of the understanding and compassion that exists for as I believe only and addict truly understands an addict. The ability for me and others to make jokes about our own past behaviours is part of the healing process. One experience as addicts draw us closer to others who suffer in kind. The recognition that I, too, have been there, stretches out my hand for someone else to grab onto, a life line to help pull them onto the path of recovery. Laughter is one of the ropes I can throw to show others that the program does work.

Affirmation My ability to change my perspective of the past, to be able to laugh at myself and my foibles, is a sign of growth and change.

November 29 (65)

”There are thoughts which are prayers. There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body, the soul is on its knees.” Victor Hugo

Prayer and meditation are an important part of my program of recovery. While they are not something overly structured, I do notice how easily I can start to feel poorly, less grounded, when I am not practicing my regular talks with my Higher Power or taking those moments to pause, reflect, and just be. In many ways I am glad that I don’t have such rigid constraints as it gives me the freedom to use these tools whenever, while driving to work, when I need to take a quick break at the office, before I go to bed or first thing when I wake in the morning. Five minutes when I need to remind myself of that bond between me and a power greater always seems to put things into perspective.  I am small but important. What I do matters. Who I am and how I act affects not only me but those around me. I am a good person. I am loved because I deserve love. I am changing and growing. These and other reminders help to provide a little boost so I can continue through my day. The God of my understanding is always there, always listening. It’s up to me to take the time to ask for guidance and to listen for the answer in my prayer and meditation. I have a part to play to make the relationship work.

Affirmation I need to take the time to slow down and spend time on communication with my Higher Power. Like any relationship, I need to work at it to keep it healthy and strong.

November 28 (66)

”They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world. Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.” Tom Bodett

If life truly is that simple, then my addiction certainly fell short of meeting those basics for happiness. I was far from having anyone to love, many that I lusted after, but only my addict wanted love. Yet that was not pure love, but a selfish, greedy, self-centered and egotistical love. My addiction certainly provided something to do, but nothing that was beneficial, nothing that created or promoted life or that was constructive or productive in any way. And last something to hope for; well I would say that was part of the main driving force behind my compulsive behaviour. But it was a desperate hope to find something, that perfect release, the perfect moment of bliss, the perfect acting out fantasy become reality which was nothing but a pipe dream. Far from attainable or achievable, it remained always out of reach but kept me hooked and seeking to find that sexual nirvana which always managed to elude my grasp. In recovery I am discovering that I can be happy if I love myself, that my recovery is something to do to make a difference, and that my hope to remain connected to my Higher Power is enough for true contentment.

Affirmation I will move aware from the empty promises and fruitless adventures of my compulsive behaviours. True happiness comes from simple, basic things.

November 27 (67)

”The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.” Thomas Szasz

I have had a similar realization in my own recovery. I feel that I am blessed in having lived through my addiction and having faced the worst and darkest parts of myself. Today in recovery I have the opportunity, offered by the grace of God, to choose how I want to live, the kind of person I want to be. It is less about becoming someone new or finding my true self as it is simply in choosing the parts of my life that lift me up, that lead me in following the path that my Higher Power has lain before me, that support my values, beliefs and ethics. My journey of recovery is about recreating the person I want to be, discarding my defects of character with the help of the God of my understanding, seeking forgiveness and making amends – changing the ways I used to live for better ones. I am growing spiritually and emotionally and finding serenity in my recovery. Each day I have the choice to decide who I want to be, the old me that lived under the influence of my sex addiction, or the new me who lives in recovery under the influence of my Higher Power. One is a life of stagnation and repetition, the other of hope and creation. Which will I choose?

Affirmation Each day holds a new choice, a new chance to be the individual I was meant to be, filled with goodness and infinite potential.

November 26 (68)

”Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement.” Thomas N. Carruther

I am grateful that I have found a healthy, if somewhat contradictory, way to cross boundaries in my recovery. Whereas my addiction led me to break moral, ethical and other boundaries through my behaviours, my recovery is balancing that equation. I have come across several events where I have found myself thinking, “This is too much, I cannot possibly get through this” only to find sometime later that I have made it to the other side.  And not only have I survived the ordeal, but grown stronger and strengthened my faith and recovery in the process. How does this happen? Well, by putting my trust in my Higher Power and by surrendering my will to His own. This has been no easy task. Going from living from fix to fix in pleasing my addiction to throwing my problems to the universe and saying “Help, please deal with this, as I cannot, it is too much” takes a huge leap of faith. It is the support of others in the program; hearing and seeing fellow members overcome equally challenging situations that has given me the willingness to try putting my hopes in the God of my understanding. Trust in a power greater than myself is leading me to a saner life.

Affirmation I will trust in my Higher Power today and believe that His plan is good and is leading me in a better direction.

November 25 (69)

”Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.” Thomas Szasz

My addict was easily bored. Anything that was not overtly sexual, or that did not lead in that direction was boring, therefore irrelevant and a waste of time. No wonder I felt so preoccupied with sex, in all places, at all times, and most of those where it was totally inappropriate! I guess, realizing how pervasive that thinking was, it is a miracle that I didn’t cross more boundaries than I did. Serenity for me today is not just simply acknowledging that nothing is a waste of time. It is about being aware and appreciating everything that happens around me. To be able to have lost that one-track thinking, to have the liberty to explore and connect with the rest of the world that envelopes everything I do and all that I am is a small miracle. My addiction had me tuned to the same TV channel while there are thousands of others with millions of subjects waiting for me to investigate and enjoy. Still the transition from boredom and loneliness to serenity and solitude has not been without difficulty.  I have had to do a lot of reflection and self-forgiveness to be comfortable being alone in my own skin. It is a new skill that I am putting into to practice, with heavy reliance on my Higher Power and the program.

Affirmation I will find serenity and solitude. They will become a regular part of my day and healthy way of living.

November 24 (70)

”We have what we seek, it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us.” Thomas Merton

I have sought professional assistance on a variety of occasions during my life. And in my discussion of issues with counsellors and psychologists, I have yet to receive a startling revelation or never-fail process that has helped me suddenly overcome a particular problem. Rather, having an unbiased and empathetic third party has been what was needed to allow me to discover things that already existed within me to cope and deal with my concerns. Usually this is simply due to the fact that I am too close to my own problems. If I am focused mostly on the issue it is pretty hard to find a solution. Being able to talk with someone else and be guided down those lines of thinking and reasoning that lead me to find the resolve, ability and courage within to face my problems and take action. The God of my understanding has given me all the tools that I need, since birth, to walk through all the fires of my life as well as rejoice in all the blessings. Yet as is my human nature, I can become too self-absorbed and forget the natural gifts that have been bestowed upon me. I am grateful for all those people in my life who are there to remind me.

Affirmation I have the courage and the ability I need to cope with everything I will face today. Bring it on, I am ready!

November 23 (71)

”The best fighter is never angry.” Lao Tzu

I remember early in recovery hearing a good number of members talking about their issues with anger. I didn’t think it was a problem for me personally, probably until I started working the 4th step, and had it reconfirmed as I made my list of people I had harmed in my 8th. Anger may not have been one of my key triggers or reactions but it still had played a part. It was usually brought out at the wrong time at the wrong person for reasons nowhere near related to the situation at hand. In short, most of my anger in my life has been misplaced or misdirected or both. That being the case, it doesn’t really matter how often I got angry if it was not justified. I am thankful to have gained a new perspective and that more and more often I manage to keep my initial reactions in check, acknowledge my emotions, and then choose to act without either repressing my feelings or transferring them to someone else. It’s still a work in progress but I am witnessing steady improvement. It has taken a great deal of courage, work and effort to incorporate emotions back into my life. The most important part of my journey has been rebuilding the road between my head and my heart, but certainly worth every inch.

Affirmation I may not relate to everything that other members share, but will come to see things in a new light as my own recovery progresses.

November 22 (72)

”There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” G. K. Chesterton

This quote certainly rings true in terms of my addiction. Until I found recovery, the desires to act out came from a seemingly bottomless pit. Nothing was ever enough, the demand was always there for more, more acting out in terms of increased frequency, greater risk, greater perversity, and greater duration. It was an impossible request to fulfill and not lose sight of everything else in my life that mattered. Finding the program gave me the first glimpses of being able to reduce that unquenchable desire. I never imagined that such a thing could be possible at first. But as I listened to the sharing of others and heard their stories of a gradual return to a more normal life, I found hope that I, too, could make my own way back to a saner life. The changes happened slowly, almost imperceptibly, yet in retrospect much faster than I could have imagined. I not only lost the urges to consistently act out, and in darker fashion, but I have gained the freedom to no longer have my every thought revolve around sexual fantasy and desire. It is an indescribable relief to be able to focus on the present moment, liberated from the iron-clad grasp of my addictive thinking.

Affirmation I can find a way out of the downward spiral into a place where my desire will lessen as I work the Steps of the program.

November 21 (73)

”Shame is a soul eating emotion.” Carl Jung

I still love the image of using our addiction to fill the “hole in our soul.” And as I have previously alluded to, I concur with Carl Jung that addiction enlarges that same hole, and shame certainly plays its part. The guilt and shame of addiction displace and destroy all those good, strong and healthy traits of our personality. We take on self-defeating attitudes and become our own worst enemies. We ruin ourselves from within, leaving only a shell of a real person left for the world to see. Yet this is not usually a permanent condition. I, too, felt hollow, like there was no true substance left in my being. Yet as I have discovered and work the Steps, fought kicking and screaming to let go of the compulsive behaviours and embrace the tools of the program, I have come to uncover my strengths that lay buried deep within my core. My soul can be tarnished or sorely damaged, but my spirit is strong enough to overcome even the worst of hardships. Through faith in my Higher Power, anything is possible, any life can be saved, even one that was as lost as my own.

Affirmation The soul can heal if given the chance, and my spirit is resilient enough to weather severe storms and can be rekindled once the skies clear.

November 20 (74)

”It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” Chuck Palahniuk

Undertaking the process of recovery has meant starting over in many aspects of my life. I did not lose quite everything, but more than enough to have regrets of what could have been different, what I might have saved if I had found the program sooner. I struggle with letting go of things that are too damaged and beyond my ability to repair. There are many places where I have had to resign myself that, at least for now, there is little more that I can do. It takes two willing parties to make a relationship work and grow and I cannot hold a string in the air all by myself. The other loss I am experiencing is the loss of my addict. I have to grieve the departure of that part of myself. Yet in order to move in a different direction I needed to put that aspect of me to rest. It’s a sign of maturity and of accepting a different way of living. This has happened in writing a good-bye letter. It also has come through exercises of reconciliation with my inner child who was forced to deal with adult issues for too many years. My child-like personality is now freer to simply be and play as I have committed to accept responsibility for all the adult situations I encounter.

Affirmation I am recognizing that in many ways I have to lose things from the past in order to be free to gain new things in the present.

November 19 (75)

”Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” Haruki Murakami

As a parent, I’ve often found myself in the role of trying to be in charge of difficult situations, to make sure everyone and everything else was taken care of. Which usually meant in the process that I had no time to be emotionally involved, but had to stay focused, practical and logical. All too often this would mean I could never properly digest my own emotions, and during my active periods of addition I had more fuel to pursue middle and inner circle behaviours. I get hurt. I am allowed to hurt. I can be feeling hurt and still be okay. Hard lessons for me to learn and to accept these are, and actually far from my normal behaviours. Yet I need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Life is a series of ups and downs, and I will be better off if I can maintain my balance as I ride along amidst all the turmoil that comes my way. Just as I will hurt, so will others, whether by things I have done or because of things over which I have no control. It’s not my place to remove their hurt, but to give them the time and space they need, and to lend support as best I can. As the program promises, this too shall pass.

Affirmation Being comfortable in discomfort is a reminder that I am human and a testament to be connected to my emotions.

November 18 (76)

”I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me.  But it tracks me as a I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” Rosamund Lupton

If I really want to move forward with my life, I need to be able to truly forgive the most important person in my life – myself. As long as I continue to drag the ugly shadow of my past, all my guilt and shame, with me, I will not make significant progress. Starting new things – moving to a new place, getting a new job, or making new friends – all these will give me a temporary reprieve from the burden of my past but I need to forgive myself and surrender what I cannot change to my Higher Power in order to progress in my recovery. Another aspect is that I am the sole cause of any guilt and shame I continue to carry. I am the one who has given the power to past situations to continue to haunt and detriment my present condition. Therefore it is only I who can decide to take back what I have given away and choose to focus on the better parts of my situation. Letting go of those negative aspects of my past and present gives me the opportunity to change and improve my character. Asking the God of my understanding to take away my character defects is a step in the right direction to a better way of living. Becoming an example of the changes I want to see in the world is a large part of my amends for all the damage I’ve done in the past and diminishes the power of my ugly shadow.

Affirmation My guilt and shame can only maintain power in my life as long as I choose to let them. I will let go of some today with the help of my Higher Power.

November 17 (77)

”Shame may restrain what the law does not prohibit.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

One of the hardest things to deal with when I was in active addiction was how the consequences of my actions had no impact. I knew all the things I risked losing, the diseases I could have picked up, the damage I could have done to my relationships, my family and my reputation. None of it mattered when my compulsive behaviour took hold. All that mattered was getting my fill, no matter the cost. I really wish my shame had been strong enough to deter my actions. This is the problem with my disease – it takes over control of my ability to reason and consider the consequences of my choices. The desire to fulfill my sexual needs took precedence over everything else, even over my basic want for food, shelter and security. I am so thankful to be in recovery now and to be able to respect boundaries. I know that my addiction will work against me and take over if I give it the chance. This is why I need to be persistent and vigilant in working my program. The compulsive and unmanageable tendencies of my illness will remain part of my nature and will try to manifest in other ways. My best defense is a good offense in racking up recovery points by focusing on my outer circle behaviours and activities.

Affirmation I acknowledge that my addictive personality will be part of me, but I have the willpower to make other choices. I choose recovery today!

November 16 (78)

”Because no retreat from the world can mask what is in your face.” Gregory Maguire

I do remember periods of my youth where I was teased about wearing my heart on my sleeve, where I was too sensitive. Maybe those remarks conflicted with how I saw I was supposed to be as I matured – less emotional, with a tougher skin. Yet I know that I kept some of my emotional displays throughout my life, for example I have always cried at the sad and touching parts of movies, even when at the theatre. There are other places where I should have taken notice to understand how poorly I hide my emotions. I have never been the best card player; I certainly have little aptitude for a “poker face.” So as much as  I thought I was  good at hiding my double life, I only really succeeded as well as I did by all the extra effort I put into my “good” persona while at the same time keeping everyone at arm’s length. The isolation prevented anyone from getting to know me too well. Since finding the program I have found a place where I do not have to hide my feelings. I can be myself, feel at ease being honest and open about how things are really going in my life. It is a freedom I never expected to find, being able to take off my mask and just be. This is a gift from my Higher Power and the program which I cherish.

Affirmation My emotions are an important part of who I am and I will learn to accept them and appreciate the richness they add in my life.

November 15 (79)

”We all feel the urge to condemn ourselves out of guilt, to blame others for our misfortunes and to fantasize about total disorder.” Deepak Chopra

Guilt is a powerful emotion. The guilt of the things I have done or not done, coupled with the shame, was fuel to keep me continuing to act out. It was both an attempt to run away from the pain and also a way to soothe my suffering and feel better. Another big factor was how I always shifted the blame, avoided my responsibility and found ways to justify my actions. It is almost humorous, in a very sad way, when I look back at how I used to be, how I thought I was successfully hiding everything I did, fooling all those around me into believing my fake persona all the while that I was living a lie. Really I am saddened and feel tremendous pity for how my life used to be, that I was so emotionally immature, so lost from the right path, and all that I missed out on while bowing to the will of my false idol. It is taking time to stop condemning myself, to stop seeing a monster when I look inside but instead finding a good person who has made bad choices. I know I am not perfect, far from it in fact, and I am getting better at accepting that I will make mistakes. The goal is to keep things in perspective and avoid living at the extremes, good or bad. Moderation is a tool to help me find balance and serenity.

Affirmation I have done wrong and will accept the consequences, but holding onto my guilt and shame will not aid me in moving forward.

November 14 (80)

”It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.” Horace

Although at this point I may not have discovered all the reason why I chose to let my addiction be my primary coping addiction for all those years, I do have a much better understanding of the role it played. It was my main "band-aid" in my emotional first aid kit, where I turned when I was hurt, lonely, sad, experiencing loss, or in any other emotional state where I wanted to bury or repress how I was feeling. Now in my recovery I am gradually coming to terms with the wounds of my past. Learning to forgive others, to make amends and to simply let go are all ways that finally let those scars heal and remove their influence from how I live today. So while I can see that it was foolish to live as I did, putting all my faith in something that sought to destroy my life, in all honesty I didn't know a better way. The consequences of all my actions aside, my addiction did carry me to where I am today. Thankfully, I know now there are many better ways to handle my feelings and my first aid kit has multiple remedies for handling emotional situations. As I continue to Live and Let Live, I am less the fool and less driven by shame.

Affirmation Reconciling my wounds from the past will free me from the shame and guilt I have been carrying and allow me to move forward.

November 13 (81)

”A man knows he has found his vocation when he stops thinking about how to live and begins to live.” Thomas Merton

Starting from “go” after having been sent there like in a game of Monopoly, fortunately having bypassed jail or other serious consequences, left me staring at a blank sheet of paper. Who am I? What am I? What are my values? Morals? Ethics? What is my purpose? All I seemed to start off with was a multitude of questions for which I had no answers and no obvious starting point. Having lived most of my years with my secret life running along in tandem left me questioning everything that had happened, every choice, every motivation, and every act. I had no idea what was real, what was fantasy or anything in between. Slowly the deluge of water through the flood gates calmed to a thunderous roar and I was able to at least grab onto small branches of truth as I was carried along through the surging waters. I discovered pieces of the real me amongst the flotsam and jetsam of my sordid past. Uncovering those true and core parts of myself is providing me with the building blocks to gradually construct a new life, one piece at a time, by the grace of God.

Affirmation I know there is a true person with me, waiting to be resurrected and given a new lease on life.

November 12 (82)

” Find a place or an activity that gives your senses a chance to unwind and lets you catch a fresh vision of peacetime possibilities. Furnish it comfortably. Make it beautiful. Use it often.” Thomas Kinkade

I am thankful that restoring my connection to natures has been one of the benefits of recovery. In my isolation I not only lost touch with the people in my life, but also the simple joys and wonders of nature. Being able to once again bask in the warm glow of the sun, to rejoice in the delights of the song birds and bathe in the light of the moon on a starry night – all these and more are pleasures that once again enhance and enrich my daily life. It is important for me to find those places and activities that refuel my soul. A special corner of the park where I ground myself, a specific passage from a book or piece of music that sets my heart at ease – these are tools to help renew my serenity and sanity. Sometimes I need to force myself to go there and unwind to get away from it all for a while. Being able to find ways to recharge my batteries on my own is important. It is equally important for me to continue to reach out and connect with other members at meetings, over coffee or even over the phone. The greater my peace within, the closer my connection to my Higher Power.

Affirmation Finding my ways to relax, reset, and refresh my energy are important in maintaining my sanity and serenity.

November 11 (83)

”Great hope makes great men.” Thomas Fuller

Hope is still something I struggle with. Having lived with the belief that “if something is too good to be true, it usually is” for so long is challenging to overcome. I am too used to that feeling that when things seem better than what I think I deserve that I need to sabotage them. It takes time and effort to be okay with the good things in my life and to have the self-esteem and self-confidence to accept them. Coming to terms with being in a better place in my life takes time and effort. But here, as in recovery, it is important for me to continue facing life One Day at a Time. Just because I am doing better is not a reason to stop applying the Steps and principles of the program. In fact, it should be the incentive to keep using them to protect this new way of living. It’s pleasant being able to hope and to have moved forward from the place and time where I was reaching out for something else in total desperation. Instead I find I have a healthy yearning for the good and positive things in my life. The program is helping me experience personal renewal as I transform from darkness into light.

Affirmation Hope and dreams will become a way to look forward in anticipation of a happier and healthier life.

November 10 (84)

”The three great essentials to achieving anything worthwhile are; first, hard-work, second stick-to-it-iveness, and third, common sense.” Thomas A. Edison

My recovery is a gift, but only continues to be one so long as I work at it. It’s not something that will simply be handed to me on a silver platter because I ask for it. It will take dedication, hard work, and blood, sweat and tears to continue to have recovery. Like most things in life that are truly worth something, my sobriety works only when I work it. And it’s similar to any good relationship in that it takes a degree of constant attention to be kept in a good place. If I neglect it things will deteriorate, if I keep at it then things will stay more or less the same, and when I put a lot of focus on it things tend to improve. The great thing that I enjoy about the program as I know it is that nothing in it is complicated. The Steps are based on the simple and practical. Although they can seem daunting and unachievable at first, in working through them one at a time, in order, I think one finds they build upon one another, to support you in tackling the more challenging tasks. There is a fair bit of good common sense in this approach and lots of room for interpretation of how to implement the Steps in one’s own way.

Affirmation Recovery is not just something external to me, but a part of my new life. It needs to be that way to keep me sober.

November 9 (85)

”Gastronomy is the art of using food to create happiness.” Theodore Zeldin

It’s interesting that there are certain subjects that are considered specialities, such as gastronomy or “haute-cuisine”, being a wine connoisseur or a collector of fine art where there is an associated perception of a privileged or higher class. Yet these are also things that can be abused and are addictions. I wondered when reflecting on this quote what a sex connoisseur would look like, if such a thing did or could exist...maybe this ties into a master of the Kama Sutra or tantric sex realms? Really my question comes back to perceptions, how certain things or behaviours are socially acceptable, or at least tolerable, and how some are given an elevated status and yet others are completely abhorred. Sex addiction I think is still far from being an acceptable subject, and likely to remain given the broad spectrum of acts and behaviours that fall into this category. Alcoholism and even to some extent drug addiction are topics that can enter into normal conversation, yet one only needs check the daily news to see how we still treat sexual deviancy. Perhaps someday the stigma will lessen and it will be more acceptable to group sex addiction with the others. Until then, I am at least happy that there is still help and fellowship within all the S-groups.

Affirmation Sex can be something to create happiness, but I think I prefer when it reflects happiness that already exists within me.

November 8 (86)

”What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible.” Theodore Roethke

Life most days is pretty run-of-the-mill. I go about my daily paces, taking care of what needs to be done, occasionally adding in things that I want to do. Most life events are pretty ordinary, and life goes on in a fairly routine manner. Yet at the same time, my life is far from average, at least in terms of where I used to be. The place where I am now, all because of having found the program, is really a miracle from my perspective. I had thought things were near impossible to recover from when I was in my deepest, darkest point of my acting out. There was no one or nothing that was going to bring the light of day back into my world. I truly see my fellowship and all 12-Step programs as pockets of miracle workers. It is not due to any one person, but the collective efforts of the whole that provided the environment for my own miracle of recovery To have regained a sense of joy, happiness, contentment and purpose where I saw none is simply incredible. SAA has brought me into a group of people who make the impossible a reality on a regular basis. I am privileged to have been on the receiving end and as well to know that I continue to be part of the atmosphere that will provide this help to others.

Affirmation I know the impossible can become possible, especially in recovery, as I see the miracles realized within my groups.