November 30

”Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’” Kurt Vonnegut

Some of my greyest days are those when I find myself wishing that things had been different, regretting choices I made or the roads I took. My thoughts can trigger these episodes, or can things around me. Running across some old photos, having someone around me reminisce about a past event, or simply running into someone I haven’t seen in a while. It can be challenging to pull myself back into the present, to stay current. Letting go of the past, in many ways Letting Go and Letting God, is required to leave behind what can no longer be changed. But I do recognize that I need to face some of these issues in order to have some finality with them and move on. There are lessons to be learned. My ability to choose is a much greater gift than I have considered in the past. So many things I do have repercussions days, weeks, months or even years later, and I cannot always appreciate that in the moment. It behooves me to see guidance, to surrender to the will of my Higher Power, to make good choices today that will lay the foundation for a better and brighter future.

Affirmation Coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking will not change the past. Let me focus on what I can do today to make good decisions that support my recovery.

November 27

”Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are.” Carl Whitaker

I like the definition, but for me it needs to go a small, but important step further. More than not being able to get away with the persona I tried to portray, it is fundamentally that this façade I wanted people to accept not being in harmony with my own values, beliefs and morals. The person I was seeing in the mirror and trying to get everyone else to believe was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty all meant to distract them from the hidden life of my addiction. So for me, shame is about living a life where I am not being true to myself. I recall in therapy coming to the realization that I hadn’t taken an honest look at myself in the mirror in a long time. It was only ever a cursory glance to make sure that the “mask” was in place. I’ve made a point since to take a moment to truly look myself in the eyes and to see the person who is gazing back. In my addiction I could not do that as I wasn’t happy with who I was, even before I would have admitted it. So shame was a part of the makeup I applied on a daily basis to cover up the darkness of my compulsive addictive behaviours. Guilt was woven into the clothes I wore. Lies bedecked me like rusted jewellery. And I thought no one would notice. I wasn’t as good at hiding as I imagined, but more fortunate that people didn’t know how to react, or simply preferred to ignore it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the end, I reached a point where the disguise no longer sufficed and had to be thrown away, the shame left in the past, the guilt tucked back in the closet, and the lies thrown in the trash. It’s so much easier just being me.

Affirmation I no long live to “get away” with things. Secrecy leads to shame and guilt. Honesty is required for me to be at peace with who I am, and how I interact with the rest of the world.

November 26

”Gossip and anger are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Anonymous

I think I can relate guilt and shame into a similar context from my past. Guilt and shame were the poisons that I used, and that I expected would excuse me from my behaviours by making everything someone else’s fault. It gave me the 1001 excuses to write off my poor choices and actions. I have found a cure, and it was the 12-Steps that brought it to my attention. The answer – no more secrets. Honesty is the key to my recovery. My addiction thrives in the darkness, and flounders in the light of the truth. Only through rigorous honesty, first and foremost with myself, do I have a chance of regaining sanity and a life that is worth living. I choose to avoid poisoning myself. Honesty allows me to admit my mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, and to seek to make true amends for the hurt and damage I have caused. I know too well that holding on to the guilt and shame, nurturing them and helping them grow, was a path to my own destruction. The truth is building a new road to the future, even if it needs to be lain one brick at a time.

Affirmation I need to let go of the weights of the past, the guilt and the shame, that held me captive in my addiction. Honesty is the breath of fresh air that will lead me from my prison.

November 25

”Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst.” William Penn

I recall one exercise as I did my 4th Step of trying to determine the cost of my addiction. It was a bit of a daunting task, to look back and tally up how much of my time, money, and energy had been put into supporting that part of my life. I have heard others share their own experiences of going through this and the realization of what the price of this double-life can be. As I work through my recovery, this goes beyond how my addiction affected me, but the secondary effects that it had on family, friends, coworkers, neighbours, etc.  My addiction was very costly indeed. The worst thief of all, still today, is the time I lost, most especially with family. I will never regain all those lost minutes, hours, or days spent in fantasy, lost in front of a computer screen, or wherever else my addiction led. And I used to worry about what I would do with all the free time. Fortunately, life seems to fill most of that time up with just regular day-to-day goings-on. I often wonder how I managed to keep both lives going for so long. It is no wonder that some part of my life had to suffer. I am grateful that I have this new lease to spend my time better on the things that truly are important, like my kids.

Affirmation Time is fleeting and precious, and I will be careful not to waste it on things which are not valuable.

November 21

”It costs nothing to dream, but everything if you don't.” Rita Davenport

Some days my skies are gray, colours muted, food bland, and life is dull. There feels like there is little to be thankful for or grateful about, that life is simply continuing but really not improving. It can be hard in these moments to find my blessings, to find reasons to be happy about my circumstances. Usually these are the days when I am facing some challenge of my past or my recovery from it. And usually they are not when I am dreaming of a better future. Let’s face the facts, recovery is not glorious. My past behaviours and idolization of my addiction have led me down some dark paths and have caused some serious damage. I have some serious atonement and amends to make to start repairing what I have broken, to start allowing myself and others to heal from the life I used to live. Some days it just isn’t fun being in recovery. I need to remind myself that being recovery is good, that it is the right thing. The alternative, going back to my old ways, isn’t a viable option. That I can be melancholy and suffer through today is a gift, if only in the sense that it means today I am not actively supporting my addiction. Sometimes that has to be enough to keep me moving forward in my program. And maybe I can find the energy to dream of when things will be brighter.

Affirmation Some days are tough, and much of my recovery is going to take hard work to make it through. But the end goal is worth the struggle and I commit to persevering to the finish line.

November 18

”If you're having a string of failures, find a way to find the 'bless in the mess'.  Embedded in the problems might be a way to find future successes.” Loretta Laroche

Life in addiction was wading through chaos. The worst part was that when there wasn’t enough going on to keep the cycle going, I found ways to create more chaos to keep the machine going. Life only made sense when there was a big mess to deal with, and my acting out was the best way to survive. My blessing of that mess has certainly being finding my way to the 12-Steps. Nothing has helped me more to start finding gems from my troubles to move towards some small successes. I think the best gift has been becoming a wounded healer. This is the place where I can find the best from the worst of my life. It is from my lowest points that I find connection points with others who suffer like I have and can help shine a light for them to find the start of their own path to recovery. My struggles, challenges, and failures that pushed me to the edge of my own destruction are now part of a life-line I can offer to others to offer them safety.

Affirmation In the worst there is something to learn, something that can be turned into a positive. I will look for ways to turn things around today.

November 15

”Even if our tears are for ourselves, for our ache of loneliness, for our pain of loss, they are…sacred, for they are tears of our love.” Jack Stern Jr.

Crying was not something I did during my active addiction, not at least without an ulterior motive. Rarely was it a genuine display of emotion and that is something hard to admit after more than 2 decades of having behaved that way. I guess it should have come as no surprise that while I was getting in touch with my emotions for real during my early recovery that I was unable to readily control my first outbursts of tears. I had forgotten how to cry. Those first attempts were physically painful, as the sadness was real, but the crying was forced, trying to squeeze water from the desert of feelings I had created. Slowly over the months that followed, my body recalled the way to cry. It is amazing to think how much I damaged myself by denying such normal acts to take place. I have had many reasons to cry, there are many events that I simply never dealt with properly during those lost years. And many of my first tears were for myself, for the love that had been locked away in order to allow my addict to reign supreme. Slowly, the tears are washing away the aches of the past, cleansing my soul for the present.

Affirmation Tears are a healthy expression of sadness, pain, and loss, but also of joy and happiness. They are a powerful act to close chapters of our lives and to open new ones.

November 14

”Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brené Brown

My addict, my alter-ego, my dark shadow or dark passenger, however I refer to it, there it is. It is the parts of me that I no longer desire to give control to, the wolf that I no longer wish to feed. It is the core of my shame and guilt, the black centre where my addiction lives and thrives. This is where those powerful, cunning, and baffling urges originate. This is where my ability to rationalize and justify all my bad behaviors resides. This is where my emotions come to be buried, pushed aside, and are ignored. This is where I lose sight of all that is around me, isolating from the world and reality. This is my toxic self. Yet, it is only a part of me, and like most things in this world, can only sustain itself if it is fed and given attention. This is why my focus in recovery is on new behaviours, new tools and methods for dealing with life, new rules and standards for me to follow, new Steps to lead the way. In living by my program, in working all that I put in my outer circle, the power of this shame core will diminish, restoring me to sanity, and freeing me to see and follow the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I can confront my shame, face the darkness within and find my way back into the light. The Steps and my brothers and sisters in the program can help me on this path.

November 13

”When you listen to somebody else, whether you like it or not, what they say becomes part of you.” David Bohm

It’s actually a relief to feel like I am a product of other people and that my interactions with others have helped me to become the person that I am today. If I look back over my years in my addiction, I wanted nothing to do with anyone else unless it was supporting my bad habits in some way. I was really only a product of my selfish desire at that point, and I certainly was not interested in taking on bits of other people. And I am quite certain that I wasn’t doing a whole lot of listening either. Life today is more wholesome. I realize that there are many aspects to who I am as an individual. I know that there are many people, places and things that influence who I am and that can alter my course, positively or negatively. I also know that I don’t have all the answers. Never did, and likely never will. So reaching out for help was a big step. Admitting that I couldn’t do it all on my own and that I needed, heck even wanted, someone else to get me through this was significant. Like the third step, this was mostly about willingness. Being humble enough to realize that without others supporting me, I was not going to change and stay on the right path. Thankfully I have been able to stick with this decision, and know that I have gained a great deal from all those I have met along the way.

Affirmation I am unique, not just simply because of how I was created, but also because of all my experiences and connections with all the people who have crossed my path.

November 12

”Faith in small things has repercussions that ripple all the way out. In a huge dark room a little match can light up the place.” Joni Eareckson Tada

Delving into my past continues to bring to light things that shaped my life, and that pushed me to the paths that I took. One of those broad subjects is fear. I am only starting to explore this in more detail, but I have already gained a sense that this was a bigger part of my growing up than I ever imagined. One simple exercise of investigating some of the major events of my life at various ages has started to bring some things to light. One recurring pattern is a fear of rejection which has shown up in events from school, work and with friends over the years. Another is a fear of abandonment, from episodes in my family and choices that I have made throughout the past. Over time, some of this fear became irrational, and held more power in my life than was warranted. It was one of the tools used by my addiction to keep the cycle going. A new concept for me is to see fear as a friend. In truth, a healthy fear could hold this place, as it serves as a warning that there is danger ahead. When the threat is real, then fear is a perfectly reasonable emotion. My challenge is to stop manufacturing fears, or making them seem worse or larger than they are to cause stress which then needs to be dealt with.

Affirmation I will work at accepting my fears, tempered by the reality of the situation that they occur in. May my Higher Power grant me the wisdom to separate these accordingly today.

November 11

”Life begets life. Energy becomes energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.” Sarah Bernhardt

One of the important things I did to start taking better care of myself in recovery was to increase my physical activity and exercise. It was apparent after a short while that burning energy actually gave me more energy, and that I found I had more endurance to get through the days. It also helped that I have gotten myself into better shape, lost some weight, and rid myself of stress through sweat. There is a flip side which can be equally true. Laziness can beget laziness. I can easily get into a routine of doing nothing much at all, sitting in front of the TV or computer or whatever. Conserving energy encourages more of the same, and leads to inaction. Sitting still reminds me too much of moments of my “active” addiction, which was really an exercise in stagnation. Recovery is about participating in life again, taking an active role and working for change. It is about learning to be rich with all that my Higher Power has provided for me.

Affirmation It’s true that in giving I receive, in working my program and spreading its power with others that I gain for my own benefit.

November 10

”Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm.” Norma Vincent Peale

As one member puts it, he continues to come to meetings to place himself amongst the coals and heat of others in recovery, to rekindle his own flame and spark to continue working his program. It is true I often see my meetings in a similar fashion, that sitting with like-minded, and similar afflicted but coping people, gives me a boost to keep pursuing my own growth and change. I may share my own experience, strength and hope, but I also receive the same from everyone who offers their own to the group. Addiction taught me that no one was worthy of trust, that I was meant to succeed in life by no one’s will and effort but my own. Obviously, that was not a path or reality that really worked. Recovery and the 12 Steps are teaching me that life requires the assistance of others, that things work better when I reach out and put my faith not only in my fellow man, but also in a Higher Power. It is in gaining a sense of community that I will grow and find happiness. It makes sense when my world consisted only of me, myself and I, that life’s blows seemed the most devastating. There was nothing and no one for me to fall back on. However, now that I know I am not alone, that there is a team of people rooting for me and supporting me, I can more readily face the challenges of life. I carry a seed of enthusiasm and hope within, but I am aware that it is fueled and sustained by those who surround me.

Affirmation May my fire of recovery burn brightly, may I seek similar spirits to kindle my flame and keep the flame of change ever-lit.

November 8

”Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4

My recovery has certainly been about building character. I have done a pretty good job at destroying a lot of the good things in my life. The best gift my addiction has given me has been the suffering, the depths of despair that have driven me to want to change my ways, to seek to have a better life. Having hit bottom has pushed me to preserve, to continue work at my recovery because I know what the alternative is. I fear going back into my addiction, in picking up where I left off, as I know that path leads to my eventual destruction. So this is now motivation for me to pursue the 12 Steps at all costs, because the price of failure is no longer acceptable. But my recovery is not based in fear, even if that is a motivating force. My recovery is based in hope, in the experience and strength that I see in other members at meetings, and even occasionally recognize in myself. I know my character is being rebuilt, and that my suffering and perseverance are propelling me into a closer relationship with my Higher Power.

Affirmation I accept that recovery will expose me to increased suffering, but that this is part of the cycle for me to grow stronger and closer to God.

November 4

”Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.” Dale Carnegie

This certainly sounds like a challenge for an addict. Trying to do good works to make people forget about all the reprehensible acts of the past. This doesn’t even go into what others might think of me because of how poorly I have behaved or how much trust and respect has been broken. There is certainly some truth to this idea. I am a firm believer that I have been successful in my recovery by worrying less about the past than in focusing on what I can do differently today to make a better future. This means letting go of the judgments of others, worrying less about how others perceive me, and working in making me better, on strengthening the good parts of me that I know reflect who I really am. My addiction did a lot of damage to my reputation, and sometimes things from the past are going to show up to haunt me. The best thing I can do is to keep concentrating on my program, putting my best foot forward, and facing each challenge head on. I trust in my Higher Power to push me through whatever lays ahead, and just maybe I will do something worthy of the admiration of others along the way.

Affirmation I know what matters most is how genuine I am for myself and my Higher Power. If this is where I focus my work for now, then whatever other’s think is of little consequence.

November 3

”Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them in with your favorite colors.” Khalen Hosseini

My recovery has required reflection on my childhood. It is a search for the events or simply the atmosphere in which I was raised that influenced how I grew up. It is an exercise in determining the “colours” that were applied to direct my choices and maturity. It is also an opportunity to identify the major events, negative and positive that have shaped my world. Although there is nothing I can do to change my upbringing, I can certainly benefit from looking at the snapshots of the past and gaining understanding of those who had an effect on my life. I can also ask adult explanations of people for things that I remember which may not quite be recalled exactly as they happened. So I do have opportunities to change my colored-view of the past. This knowledge helps me to move forward mostly by allowing me closure for old wounds, to forgive and let go of events from the past that have weighed me down for years. It allows me to turn over those chapters of my life and to look for the lessons to apply to my present.

Affirmation May I have the courage to examine my past, close old wounds, and free myself from some baggage to allow me freedom to be more present today.