June 5

”Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” Meredith Grey

Having disclosed my addiction to those near and dear to me is a blessing, and sometimes a cursed blessing. It’s a blessing because I have finally let out the secrets and I know that as long as I have some things hidden, I will continue my poor behaviours and choices. It’s also a cursed blessing because, not only has my own awareness increased, but so has the awareness of those who know about my illness. And if they are good people who care about me, they don’t hesitate to point out when things don’t look or feel right. If I am being rigorously honest with myself, then I need to take a hard look at how others perceive me. I am still too quick to minimize or justify a situation, and sometimes, however unwanted it may be, others observations are what I need to take a deeper look at myself. There are still small seeds of guilt and shame that want to prevent me from telling others how I am really doing. My partner, in her infinite wisdom, is helping me to see that, even before I head into my middle circle, there is a gap that grows between us when I’m not working my program well enough. The longer I keep ignoring the problem, the bigger the gap is going to get, pushing me back towards isolation, which is a treacherous place for me. I am grateful for being surrounded by those who are not afraid to tell me how they see it. I can use all the help I need to stay on track.

Affirmation

God, let me be grateful today for those who have the courage to tell me when I am not being as honest with them as I need to be.

January 11

”Yeah ain't it just amazing, how a God can tend a broken man. Yeah let him find a fortune and then ruin it with his own two hands.” Lyrics from Difference Maker by Needtobreathe

I recently watched the movie Thanks for Sharing, another film that challenges the subject of sex addiction. It`s challenged a number of areas of my life, not just for myself, but for some people close to me who also choose to watch the film. I am grateful for opportunities to discuss my recovery. On the other hand, I still get a sinking feeling in my gut when asked about my past behaviours – there still remain traces of my shame and guilt from my actions. The movie allowed me to see once again how much my life has changed since finding the program. I related well enough to the characters still stuck in active addiction. Yet at the same time it was a sobering reminder that my serenity and recovery is fragile and that my addiction is still lurking. Relapse can happen any time, and my program needs to be something I am continually working. It`s also brought to light how important some of my new relationships are, and how I cannot afford to take them or the people around me for granted. Still, I need to be selfish enough to put my recovery first, for with it none of the rest of the good things in my life will be possible. And to all my fellow brothers and sisters in recovery, thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing.

Affirmation Recovery is a daily activity that I need to continue to work at to maintain this new life of serenity and sobriety.

November 27

”Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are.” Carl Whitaker

I like the definition, but for me it needs to go a small, but important step further. More than not being able to get away with the persona I tried to portray, it is fundamentally that this façade I wanted people to accept not being in harmony with my own values, beliefs and morals. The person I was seeing in the mirror and trying to get everyone else to believe was based on lies, deceit, and dishonesty all meant to distract them from the hidden life of my addiction. So for me, shame is about living a life where I am not being true to myself. I recall in therapy coming to the realization that I hadn’t taken an honest look at myself in the mirror in a long time. It was only ever a cursory glance to make sure that the “mask” was in place. I’ve made a point since to take a moment to truly look myself in the eyes and to see the person who is gazing back. In my addiction I could not do that as I wasn’t happy with who I was, even before I would have admitted it. So shame was a part of the makeup I applied on a daily basis to cover up the darkness of my compulsive addictive behaviours. Guilt was woven into the clothes I wore. Lies bedecked me like rusted jewellery. And I thought no one would notice. I wasn’t as good at hiding as I imagined, but more fortunate that people didn’t know how to react, or simply preferred to ignore it so they wouldn’t have to deal with it. In the end, I reached a point where the disguise no longer sufficed and had to be thrown away, the shame left in the past, the guilt tucked back in the closet, and the lies thrown in the trash. It’s so much easier just being me.

Affirmation I no long live to “get away” with things. Secrecy leads to shame and guilt. Honesty is required for me to be at peace with who I am, and how I interact with the rest of the world.

November 14

”Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brené Brown

My addict, my alter-ego, my dark shadow or dark passenger, however I refer to it, there it is. It is the parts of me that I no longer desire to give control to, the wolf that I no longer wish to feed. It is the core of my shame and guilt, the black centre where my addiction lives and thrives. This is where those powerful, cunning, and baffling urges originate. This is where my ability to rationalize and justify all my bad behaviors resides. This is where my emotions come to be buried, pushed aside, and are ignored. This is where I lose sight of all that is around me, isolating from the world and reality. This is my toxic self. Yet, it is only a part of me, and like most things in this world, can only sustain itself if it is fed and given attention. This is why my focus in recovery is on new behaviours, new tools and methods for dealing with life, new rules and standards for me to follow, new Steps to lead the way. In living by my program, in working all that I put in my outer circle, the power of this shame core will diminish, restoring me to sanity, and freeing me to see and follow the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation I can confront my shame, face the darkness within and find my way back into the light. The Steps and my brothers and sisters in the program can help me on this path.

October 21

”What makes the pain we feel from shame and jealousy so cutting is that vanity can give us no assistance in bearing them.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Shame, jealousy, guilt – these are feelings that work against my sense of pride, accomplishment and self-worth. They are not character aspects I can flaunt to make myself feel good, to show that I am better than someone else. Rather they deflate me, and turn me away from others. Yet there is a healthy way to deal with these negative emotions. Rather than burying them, or trying to run away, I can speak about them and share them with those who support me. In bringing them out into the open, I expose them for what they are, but also start to give up the power and control they have over me. It is letting them go that I can move away from their influence. Shame, jealousy, guilt – yes there are times when things I or others do bring about these feelings. But like all emotions, these are just a warning sign to recognize what is happening. I don’t need to react as a result, but I can sit with the feeling, explore the root cause, and choose to acknowledge where I am but still move forward. I need not fall into despair, depression or isolation. There is another way to go, and I need to be honest and talk with someone about where I am.

Affirmation I will not be afraid of my feelings of shame, guilt or jealousy today. If I find myself confronted by them, I will choose to share them with someone who supports me.

January 15

”I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.” Jonathon Swift

Guilt and shame, and even to some degree remorse, were slow to present themselves as I moved into recovery. I had spent years of living with the sense of entitlement that I could do what I wanted when I wanted as long as it only affected me. Of course I had been completely blind to all the collateral damage my addiction had inflicted on those around me. The best explanation I have for having been able to live and function that way for so many years was that the cost of my addiction was my spirit. There is no way I could live in that fashion and still maintain any real connection to my Higher Power, God, or something greater than myself that was true and pure. My addiction had to squash that and replace it, becoming the false idol that I bowed to every minute of every day. Shame and guilt for my addiction were its sustenance, what kept it alive, well and hungry for more. It has been a challenge to wean my addict off those things, but as I come to accept myself, as my Higher Power accepts me, I stop feeding the destructive force within me. In doing so, I become painfully away of just how much damage I have caused, unknowingly. Thankfully, it is never too late to begin to heal the hurt, starting with how poorly I have treated myself.

Affirmation Shame and regret can be signs I am healing and recognizing my addiction for what it truly is.

November 21 (73)

”Shame is a soul eating emotion.” Carl Jung

I still love the image of using our addiction to fill the “hole in our soul.” And as I have previously alluded to, I concur with Carl Jung that addiction enlarges that same hole, and shame certainly plays its part. The guilt and shame of addiction displace and destroy all those good, strong and healthy traits of our personality. We take on self-defeating attitudes and become our own worst enemies. We ruin ourselves from within, leaving only a shell of a real person left for the world to see. Yet this is not usually a permanent condition. I, too, felt hollow, like there was no true substance left in my being. Yet as I have discovered and work the Steps, fought kicking and screaming to let go of the compulsive behaviours and embrace the tools of the program, I have come to uncover my strengths that lay buried deep within my core. My soul can be tarnished or sorely damaged, but my spirit is strong enough to overcome even the worst of hardships. Through faith in my Higher Power, anything is possible, any life can be saved, even one that was as lost as my own.

Affirmation The soul can heal if given the chance, and my spirit is resilient enough to weather severe storms and can be rekindled once the skies clear.

November 17 (77)

”Shame may restrain what the law does not prohibit.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

One of the hardest things to deal with when I was in active addiction was how the consequences of my actions had no impact. I knew all the things I risked losing, the diseases I could have picked up, the damage I could have done to my relationships, my family and my reputation. None of it mattered when my compulsive behaviour took hold. All that mattered was getting my fill, no matter the cost. I really wish my shame had been strong enough to deter my actions. This is the problem with my disease – it takes over control of my ability to reason and consider the consequences of my choices. The desire to fulfill my sexual needs took precedence over everything else, even over my basic want for food, shelter and security. I am so thankful to be in recovery now and to be able to respect boundaries. I know that my addiction will work against me and take over if I give it the chance. This is why I need to be persistent and vigilant in working my program. The compulsive and unmanageable tendencies of my illness will remain part of my nature and will try to manifest in other ways. My best defense is a good offense in racking up recovery points by focusing on my outer circle behaviours and activities.

Affirmation I acknowledge that my addictive personality will be part of me, but I have the willpower to make other choices. I choose recovery today!

November 15 (79)

”We all feel the urge to condemn ourselves out of guilt, to blame others for our misfortunes and to fantasize about total disorder.” Deepak Chopra

Guilt is a powerful emotion. The guilt of the things I have done or not done, coupled with the shame, was fuel to keep me continuing to act out. It was both an attempt to run away from the pain and also a way to soothe my suffering and feel better. Another big factor was how I always shifted the blame, avoided my responsibility and found ways to justify my actions. It is almost humorous, in a very sad way, when I look back at how I used to be, how I thought I was successfully hiding everything I did, fooling all those around me into believing my fake persona all the while that I was living a lie. Really I am saddened and feel tremendous pity for how my life used to be, that I was so emotionally immature, so lost from the right path, and all that I missed out on while bowing to the will of my false idol. It is taking time to stop condemning myself, to stop seeing a monster when I look inside but instead finding a good person who has made bad choices. I know I am not perfect, far from it in fact, and I am getting better at accepting that I will make mistakes. The goal is to keep things in perspective and avoid living at the extremes, good or bad. Moderation is a tool to help me find balance and serenity.

Affirmation I have done wrong and will accept the consequences, but holding onto my guilt and shame will not aid me in moving forward.

July 27

”The childhood shows the man, as the morning shows the day.” John Milton

It took only a few weeks after joining SAA for me to recognize how far back my addictive tendencies went. I guess I thought I would have been more surprised to trace events and behaviours back to my teenage years, but somehow I think deep down I always suspected it was true. I think it is amazing that as a human being I can keep such a toxic part of me active in my life for so many years yet still appear to be a functioning part of society. I guess my coping mechanism did get me to the point in my life where I finally decided that there had to be a better way to live. In working the steps, in sharing with other members, I am often challenged to look at myself, my thoughts and actions from a totally new perspective. I don’t like questioning that my thought processes are broken, but I think the fact that I lived my double-life for so many years is proof that all was not functioning in the healthiest manner. I have lived with the addict in my head for so many years that I am not always aware which voice is active. So I am grateful to have my new SAA family to help me hear and see more clearly what I am thinking, saying and doing. My increasing awareness gives me the power to choose new ways to behave , act and react to the world around me.

Affirmation I can accept my group as a mirror that will better help me see where I can improveand grow.

July 8

”The stars are constantly shining, but we often do not see them until the dark hours.” Earl Riney

I know I am a natural at seeing the negative in myself and situations that I am in but have a much harder time trying to see the bright side. Yet I can readily do this for someone else. Some days I wonder why I can’t simply look in the mirror and do likewise; it would be a nice chance to follow my own advice. The truth of the matter is that I spent too many years in my addiction, feeling less than. All the shame gave me the impression that I was broken, I was bad, and I was just built to do things wrong. That is a hard preconception of myself to change. I am learning, slowly, to find the positive, the strengths, talents and abilities that can be used to lead a better, healthier life. I feel less ashamed and putting a name to my issue has helped be to realize that I was not born flawed, not destined to be an addict. Rather I have the capacity to practice good moral behaviour, or less than desirable ones, yet it is a choice. My addiction negatively influenced my ability to make good decisions. Staying sober by working the program and reconnecting to my spiritual power will restore my capacity to make better decisions. The good and the bad in me are always present. My goal in recovery is to use the tools to stay on the right path and to believe in the power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity.

Affirmation Just for today I will focus on my strengths and not worry about my flaws. I can take pride in my talents and abilities.

May 20

”We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.” Herman Melville

I recently watched the movie Shame. In my opinion, although it is somewhat explicit, it portrays the life of a sex addict without glamourizing it. As a recovering addict it fell like watching periods of my life as an outside observer. While I could relate to the pain, the seemingly irrational pull into acting out and the eventual downward out-of-control spiral, it also felt comforting to recognize that I am no longer in that space. I was aware of the opportunities that were missed to seek help; I know from my own past how long it took to reach a bottom that pushed me to find a different way out. Finding the SAA program and taking the risk of admitting I had a problem has been at the same time one of the most difficult and health decisions I have made. I continue to see more and more the places in my life where help was right in front of me but I was too blinded by my addiction to care. My life in recovery has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Not only do I have to face the consequences of my past, but life continues on and new challenges await me all the time. For the most part I have faced them from a place of sobriety and serenity. The rediscovery of my Higher Power and the support of my caring friends in the program continue to keep me afloat.

Affirmation Today I can be grateful that I am not in my active addiction. I will thank my Higher Power for the gift of sobriety.

May 16

”A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.” Herbert Prochnow

I have lived in the country, in small towns and even in larger cities. For me the size of the place has had little to do with how alone or connected I have felt to the community. That power lies within me, whether I choose to be involved or if I would rather isolate and retreat to my own comfort zone. The shame and guilt from my addiction has been a great contributor to keeping me alone in my misery. I have always been disappointed that I have never had many friends, but I was the biggest obstacle. I have done little to invite others into my life. My recovery and my discovery of the SAA program has started me on a path to reconnecting with others, in making new friends – even a new family. I am learning that I do not need to hide behind my wall of shame and guilt from my past. My honest sharing gives me a new freedom to develop a new kind of intimacy with others and to rediscover a sense of community. Sharing my past and letting go of the power of my secrets gives me power to focus on the positive aspects of my being. Regaining the ability to like myself and no longer wanting or needing to isolate will help me in reintegrating myself into my community. I no longer need to be lonesome in a crowd

Affirmation I can learn to love myself and start to open myself to let others into my life. Sharing my secrets will diminish their hold on me.

February 18

”Nothing is more wretched than a guilty conscience.” Plautus

Many of us did not experience guilt or shame during the periods of our lives where we actively acted out. It is often not until we have gained some sobriety that we can look back and experience the negative emotions that accompany our behaviour, not only for the harm we have caused ourselves, but those around us as well. There are others of us who have experienced guilt and shame throughout our addiction and the best way we knew to deal with it was to avoid it by turning back to our false higher power, our addiction. This led us to a vicious cycle of acting out, feeling guilt and shame, evading things and feelings by acting out, and so on. Our guilt and shame, once recognized for what they are, do eat away inside us. In the SAA program, we learn that sharing our past, sharing our experience and our sexual patterns, has the power to free us from the guilt and shame that we carry within ourselves. Lifting this burden from our shoulders gives us new life, hope and strength to put towards our recovery.

Affirmation Today I will not succumb to my guilt and shame. I can share it with my Higher Power, sponsor or group and let it go.