December 28

”Just because fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.” Les Brown

Surrendering does not mean giving up. The Steps are teaching me that surrendering my will to that of the God of my understanding is about giving up on my ways which are not working and opening myself up to the guidance and direction of my Spiritual Source which knows better than me the path I should be taking. The only way for me to discover that road is to stop, to ask for direction through prayer or conscious contact with my Higher Power, and then listening through meditation and looking for the signs of the way to proceed. There is a heavy focus on accepting the hand that life has dealt me and looking to make the best of the situations that I find myself in. There is only so much I can do and only so much influence that I can exert at any given time. I have to trust in my abilities but also keeping in mind that I want to actively seek to do God’s will and not my own. If I am consciously seeking Him then I will go right more often than I go wrong. I will always be human, and I’m not always going to do things the right way, or let my ego get the better of me and be selfish from time to time. This is a process, a path of seeking progress and not perfection. The more I am consciously looking for the guidance of my Source the easier it becomes. And my life goes in a better, healthier direction as a result. I know my Higher Power never bluffs, so I will continue along faithfully following His way.

Affirmation

I have confidence that I can deal with whatever hand is dealt to me as long as I remember to seek the will of my Higher Power.

November 30

”Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.” Anthony Charles Lynton Blair

It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. It’s even harder to do the right thing when you see others doing the wrong thing and getting ahead and getting what they want. And yet experience is showing me that in order to get what my Higher Power wants me to have, well we’re back to needing to do that right thing. So it goes back to that simple question – is what I am doing to satisfy my own will, or His? Of course this raises up the whole issue of life being unfair, is there really karma, why do good things happen to bad people, and so on and so forth. My job is to stop when I feel myself being pulled into this trap. My concern here is not about everyone or anyone else, and to some degree not even about myself. It boils down to my willingness to surrender to the will of the God of my understanding. Am I truly committed to the program and the better way of life that promises sanity and serenity? Suffering and hard times are a part of life. However I am beginning to see that these darker times are required to provide the contrast to allow me to see the influence of my Higher Power in my life and the world around me. Just as the stars are always shining, I need the darkness of night for them to shine and to enjoy their beauty and wonder. My Higher Power has a purpose in everything, even pain and sadness.

Affirmation

I may be tempted by the easier, faster way today, but I will pause to focus on His Will and His Way.

November 28

”Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.” Anonymous

This is a reoccurring theme that I am hearing around me, in the Serenity Prayer, in the Bible, and in life. Accept what you cannot control, give thanks even in the darkest moments of despair, look for the silver lining. They are wise words, but there are times when it is not easy to see how to do it, how to let go, how to find joy in the pain, or how to dance in the rain. They all boil down to my faith in my Higher Power. How well do I trust that the God of my understanding has a purpose in mind for the situation I find myself in. How is the struggle I am facing going to help me, or help use me, to have His will followed? I simply cannot fathom all He has planned out for this world. So do I balk, do I throw a pity party, do I exclaim to all I meet “Woe is me!”? Or do I go back to surrendering, look back at all the wonderful gifts that I have been provided, the talents that I have, and the fact that I have survived 100% of my worst days so far and find ways to give thanks? It’s my choice to focus on the wall that it blocking my way or to look for the path that goes around it. It is my choice to be a rock on a windy day or the leaf that lets the breeze take it where it is supposed to go. I think I know which one I am supposed to do, God grant me the courage to be blown along the right path.

Affirmation

Today give me the strength to surrender my will and to be glad about it.

November 19

”Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” Yiddish proverb

Steps 6 and 7 are about looking at our character defects, our bad habits, and asking our Higher Power to remove them. I don’t believe that we play no further part in the matter. For one thing, having made the list, the onus falls on me to continual be aware of when my character defects are showing, and to work at lessening their effect on my life and my relationships. I do have to power to diminish my reactions whenever something does not go the way I want or expect. I wish that there was some magically procedure where all my shortcomings could be taken away, one by one. However my experience has been that they disappear gradually, and more due to the fact that I choose not to focus on them. Instead I spend my energy focusing on developing and strengthening my good habits. Just like my addictive behaviours, many of my character defects are tried and true, comfortable practices and attitudes. As I delve into the depths of who I am, and what I truly believe, I can see how those things are no longer match the person who I am today. It is therefore in my own best interest to let them go so that I can focus on all the good things in my life. This is the will of my Higher Power.

Affirmation

I will be aware today when my shortcomings come up, and I will breathe through them, rather than letting them run the show.

December 20

”When the road ahead is dark, And you don’t know where to go, Take another step, take another step, Trust God and take another step” Stephen Curtis Chapman

The light at the end of the tunnel has not always shone brightly, if at all sometimes. There have been many times, in my active addiction as in my recovery, where the situation has seemed bleak and without much hope. The hardest thing has been to keep pushing forward, to trust that my Higher Power would take care of me. Standing still does nothing to move me towards change. Many steps in recovery have been taken in blind faith, with the hope of those who have gone before me that it was the right thing to do. Leaning on other’s wisdom and advice has not come naturally, and surrendering my own will has not been easy. But I have made much more progress in changing my life and moving away from my past by allowing myself to be guided in this way. As the Steps show me, turning my life and my will over to the God of my understanding is something I need to do in order to heal. This act of surrender frees me from the burden of guilt and shame that has kept me trapped for so many years. And it loosening the grip of my dark shadow makes taking each step that much easier.

Affirmation “In God I Trust” is a good slogan to help me surrender my will and allow myself to be open to the guidance of my Higher Power.

September 2

”God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.” J. G. Holland

The 3rd Step is about our willingness to let the God of our understanding show us a better way, an openness to seek to do His will rather than to be controlling everything on our own. This letting go and surrender of the direction of our life doesn’t leave us to simply be a passenger on the bus our Higher Power is driving. While we ask for guidance, we still have our part to play in fulfilling those goals set before us. It’s true for me that I have learned to turn things over to my Higher Power. But that means letting go of those things and people over which I have no control. There is still work for me to do to uphold my own responsibility. I am still required to continue working on myself in overcoming my shortcomings, in sharing my talents and in realizing the goals set before me. Prayer and meditation are the tools for me to seek out the will of my Higher Power. I need to learn patience and understanding to see the goal I am being led towards, the destination that I usually don’t arrive at via the path I was expecting. It takes a lot of faith and courage to allow life to unfold as it should rather than trying to manipulate and bend it to my own will. Yet the end result is always better, and I am more serene during the trip.

Affirmation I realize things will not often come to me when or how I want, but with work, perseverance and faith in my Higher Power, they will come to fruition.

August 22

”For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

It still takes me by surprise when I see myself reacting differently in stressful situations. It is comforting to know my immediate reaction is to turn to the Serenity Prayer, or other prayer or meditation, to focus on the present, count my blessings or one of the other new techniques that help me seek the will of my Higher Power. I still have fears and worries. Yet they no longer have the power they once did, they do not feed my addiction nor lead me to all my compulsive behaviours as they would have in the past. I am adapting better to life events as they occur, more accepting of how situations unfold, and more confident that things will work out the way they are meant to, and that it will all be good in the end. I am content to be second and to let my Higher Power show me the way. I am still taking responsibility for my own role, for the duties I need to fulfill. But I don’t have to be in complete control, I trust that the God of my understanding has the plans well in hand. My spirit has been renewed and I am grateful for the grace that has been shown me.

Affirmation I will Let Go and Let God today and allow my actions be guided through the Higher Power that I have faith is looking out for my best interests.

August 20

”For with God nothing shall be impossible.” Luke 1:37

Surrendering to the will of my Higher Power has likely been the most challenging, but also rewarding, part of my recovery. Letting go, looking for direction on how to live as opposed to trying make things happen as I wish or believe they should be, has given me a freedom I scarce believed existed while I was ill and struggling in my addiction. On nearly a daily basis I can see proof of my Higher Power’s influence in my life. It happens in the events I experience and the people I encounter. It even happens directly to me, and it certainly has been evident in most of my writing. I can no longer ignore the fact, my belief, that there is someone else out there with a master plan, and that there is a role for me to play. So when life takes a turn for the worse these days, I am more at peace, and more able to stop and pray for help and guidance. I can ask my Higher Power to get through whatever I am facing, or turn the situation over to him with the confidence that it will work out the way he has planned if I am patient. I am more likely to seek, and listen to, the counsel of others than in the past. I no longer have the desire to be the only one who knows what is right and what needs to be done. I am content to let someone else hold the reins, yet I realize I still need to uphold my responsibilities and duties. For with God as my partner, all things are possible.

Affirmation I am willing to turn my life over to the care of God, as I understand him, and to seek to do his will today.

May 17

”Worry is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.” Anonymous

One of the biggest shifts in working and living my program is the fact that I am trying to be in the moment. Not in the past, not in what happened an hour ago, a year ago or a decade ago. Nor in the future, what might happen later today, on the weekend or a month from now. The most important thing is right here, right now, this very instant. Worry is a thief. It steals my energy, my concentration, but more importantly it takes away the present. It will certainly fill my time, and make me consider a number of things that will pre-occupy me, but it does not lead me to action. Worry is a master of inaction, very similar in that respect to fear. Fear is conquered by courage. Worry is conquered by surrender and faith. By the belief that my Higher Power is holding me in His hands, that He knows what is best for me and will lead me along the right path if I trust and follow His direction. My task is to continue doing the right things, to work my program, follow the steps, reach out, pray and meditate. The rest will happen as He has designed.

Affirmation I will be wary when my thoughts turn to worry and take me away from the present moment. I will keep surrendering myself to the will of God.

February 12

”You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction.” George Lorimer

As I reflect on  my life today as opposed to a few years ago when my addiction was very active, there are a number of striking differences. Probably one of the most significant is in terms of my sense of purpose. In my acting out days, I felt lost, without purpose, and as though I was simply going through the motions. Today, I have something to live for, something to strive to achieve, goals and dreams that I want to realize. The change has happened subtly and progressively. Probably the first stage was getting to a point where waking up meant that my purpose for the day was to be in recovery. That was 2 big accomplishments in one, first wanting to work my program, but also wanting to be in the moment and live for today. Today I sense a number of different avenues of purpose. And while recovery is still important, I have found an even greater purpose, and that is to continue to seek and be willing to follow the will of my Higher Power. It is more than just abstinence from my compulsive sexual behaviours, but a desire to be a servant and to give of myself to others. My spiritual aspect that used to be buried has now come to the forefront to lead me on my journey.

Affirmation I will find the strength, courage and ability to move with purpose as I surrender myself to the will of the God of my understanding.

January 17

”Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress.” Alfred A. Montapert

There are times when I have tried turning a problem over to my Higher Power and have waited patiently for Him to take care of things. And waited. And waited some more. And then come to the conclusion that perhaps it was something that I could change after all. So instead of asking for it to be taken from me, I prayed for the courage to take action and move forward. This is the way things are supposed to happen sometimes. Some of the main advantages of these delayed actions are that I have ample time to let my emotions cool, time to think of possible solutions and to have an opportunity to discuss the situation with others. If and when I finally do act it is from a more rational and calm place. I am grateful for that time to reflect because it helps me from reacting in the heat of the moment and escalating a given situation. Surrender is becoming more and more natural, but even this I can rely on too often. God’s will might be what I am striving to carry out, but it’s not going to happen of its own accord. I need to do the work to move in the right direction. Otherwise I will just sit on that rocking horse until it can no longer support me.

Affirmation Delaying my actions in emotional situations is often beneficial.  And it is okay if sometimes I need to pray for the courage to do what needs to be done.

January 9

”There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” William Shakespeare

I am not certain that I am fully in agreement with the idea that how I think makes something bad or good. I do agree with the notion that most things simply are, and are not inherently good or bad. Yet on the other hand, I know from looking at my past behaviours that I could rationalize away all my “bad” behaviours but at the same time see fit to condemn the actions of others which were less severe. Perspective plays an important factor in determining between the two. I am moving away from the idea of good versus evil and more toward the realm of my will versus the will of my Higher Power. This, to me, in recovery, and life in general, is a more important and relevant distinction. As much as I think I am at the helm of my own ship, the stark reality is that I am in control of almost nothing. That power greater than myself graciously humors me with a brain to allow me to feel like I have some ability to navigate through life, yet under my own willpower I am bound to sink. It’s only through running up the white flag of surrender to His will that I can safely reach the shore.

Affirmation Good and bad are less crucial than looking to serve my Higher Power and to do his will. Being open to direction is the only way I can change.

December 14 (50)

”In struggling against anguish one never produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces new forms of anguish.” Simone Weil

I have the capacity to create new tensions in my relationships by fighting for things to happen my way. Or, I can step back, take a look at what my goal truly is, and if letting someone else take the reins will achieve the same thing, then maybe I am better off to let them be in control. It means I will not have to expend extra energy to defend my view and convince the other to follow my suggestions. Instead I can surrender. This does take faith that the other person will do as promised, and my willingness to accept that they will do it in their own way and not as I would have. This is how I need to see my relationship with my Higher Power. I have to find the courage and the humility to trust in His will, in His plans for how my life is supposed to unfold. It takes the continuing belief that He truly has my best interest at heart. I may not understand the path that has been place before me until I reach the destination, but I will have faith that the route I take is all part of the lessons I am supposed to learn along the journey.

Affirmation In surrender I gain the freedom to put my energy into more positive actions. Being humble and letting others take control can be a sign of strength.

December 12 (52)

”Great souls have wills; feeble ones only have wishes.” Chinese Proverb

Trusting in my own will is not an easy thing as for too many years it has been corrupted by my addict. My heart, mind and soul have lived out of sync and are only beginning to work together in harmony. It’s no wonder that living for my addiction has caused so much damage to my soul, my spiritual connection and reservoir as I like to think of it. My self-centered acts and behaviours did nothing better than to cut me off from my Higher Power and any belief in something wonderfully greater than myself. My life was all about wishes and fantasies that were far from being based in reality. Thankfully the fabric of my soul can be repaired and the wellspring of spirituality can be replenished. It happens when I surrender, when I accept to put my life second, place my priorities behind those of the God of my understanding. It happens when I open myself in prayer, seeking guidance to following the will of my Higher Power, to be in service to others rather than being hell-bent on fulfilling my own desires. My soul does not require fame or fortune to be rich. It is satisfied when it is in harmony with the world around me, when it seeks love, compassion, joy, hope, honesty, integrity and serenity.   It need not wish for fulfillment, but rather seeks to share my gifts with others.

Affirmation I will take back power in my life by living for others, especially my Higher Power.

December 10 (54)

”If you can imagine it you can create it. If you can dream it, you can become it.” William Arthur Ward

I am a canvas, empty, waiting for the hands of a master painter to create a piece-de-resistance. The artist who can paint that portrait is my Higher Power, now that I have opened my life to His will. Through the Steps I am able to wipe clean that history of my past so that a new picture, a new creation, can take its place. I have but to ask for His help to seek out His will and guidance and to use the 12 Steps to guide me along that path. I am being reborn a little each day as I let of my old ways and behaviours, as I surrender to the power of the God of my understanding who promises to lead me to sanity. Out of the darkness, from the ashes of my fallen ways I shall spring forth anew, full of confidence, hope, faith, trust and love. The program is the foundation of this miraculous transformation from darkness into light, from despair to hope, from loathing to loving. The wonder that others have experienced and the member I encounter are the beacons that will guide me along this path this to a new and better way of living. It is a dream become reality.

Affirmation I, too, can overcome this disease, One Day at a Time, through perseverance and dedication to the tried and true Steps of SAA. I will be transformed.

November 26 (68)

”Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement.” Thomas N. Carruther

I am grateful that I have found a healthy, if somewhat contradictory, way to cross boundaries in my recovery. Whereas my addiction led me to break moral, ethical and other boundaries through my behaviours, my recovery is balancing that equation. I have come across several events where I have found myself thinking, “This is too much, I cannot possibly get through this” only to find sometime later that I have made it to the other side.  And not only have I survived the ordeal, but grown stronger and strengthened my faith and recovery in the process. How does this happen? Well, by putting my trust in my Higher Power and by surrendering my will to His own. This has been no easy task. Going from living from fix to fix in pleasing my addiction to throwing my problems to the universe and saying “Help, please deal with this, as I cannot, it is too much” takes a huge leap of faith. It is the support of others in the program; hearing and seeing fellow members overcome equally challenging situations that has given me the willingness to try putting my hopes in the God of my understanding. Trust in a power greater than myself is leading me to a saner life.

Affirmation I will trust in my Higher Power today and believe that His plan is good and is leading me in a better direction.

August 11

”Courage is the capacity to confirm what can be imagined.” Leo Rosten

An interesting way to view courage, not so much in terms of fear as we normally portray it, but in the willingness to risk doing something to make it a reality. It is about pushing the limits of our comfort and stepping into unfamiliar territory. I think this applies well to the 12 Steps; for me they are new, untested waters but I can have faith in the thousands who have gone before me and followed the program to a new way of living. While it still takes my willingness and courage to set out on my own voyage through the program, I know I am not alone and have many people willing to support me along the way. Confirmation of what can be imagined…these words strike me each time I read the Ottawa Promises; there is always at least one that resonates. As I progress in my recovery, I have seen some of them realized: hearing myself laugh again, turning loneliness into solitude, shame becoming grace. I am learning to forgive myself and others, to develop a deeper understanding of love and my sexual fantasies and obsessions have diminished. Each of these is a result of my continued faith in a Higher Power and the program to lead me in a better direction than I have led myself. I am grateful I have let go of the reins.

Affirmation I can rely on the hope and faith of others that the program will lead me to a saner life where I can be happy, free, and genuine.

August 10

”A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals.” Larry Bird

My addict’s most powerful weapon is denial. Denial that what I am doing is wrong, that it is hurting somebody, that I might get caught, that there may be some negative consequences. At the same time, it is also a denial that I need a healthy spirituality, that I am good and wholesome. In short my addiction uses denial to turn me into a mindless slave who is full of self-doubt, self-loathing, and worthlessness. My Higher Power, on the other hand, promises all the opposite. He wants me to find my gifts and talents, to exploit them to do His will and make the world a better place. He wants me to work hard, struggle, overcome obstacles and achieve my goals. I am not unique in this; my Higher Power wants all of us to embrace our individuality to make life interesting, productive and creative. The part that is left to me is to decide which side to bet on. Do I fall for the quick and easy, take care of me, myself and I, of addiction? Or do I choose the long, winding road full of treacherous obstacles that threaten to derail me at each turn? Do I deny my true nature or do I embrace it, nurture it and help it grow? Do I live in the present or let life slip past as I bury my head in the sand? Am I a winner?

Affirmation My free will is a blessing and a curse, but I can decide today which it will be. May I choose wisely.

August 4

”The uncertainties of the present always give way to the enchanted possibilities of the future.” Kirkland

I am learning to stop trying to second guess myself and others. It’s too easy for me to search for meaning and motivation in situations where I have no control in an attempt to try and make sense of it. The problem is that only through open communication with others will I get the information that I am lacking… and only if that other person is willing to share it. Trying to find justification or rationalizations for someone else’s behaviour is a fruitless activity that only leads to more pain and frustration. So this is another part of learning to let go. It means being able to accept the actions and words of others at face value rather than searching for a hidden meaning or motivation. It means stop brooding when others behave in ways that confuse or frustrate. It means I go back to where my focus is supposed to be, on me and my recovery, the parts that I can control and change. When I let go of these uncertainties I give myself the liberty to live in the moment and to be open to the future rather than having my focus on the past. It is easier to maintain my own serenity when I stop trying to figure out how everyone else around me is doing and why they are doing what they do. It’s none of my business so best to let them be.

Affirmation I will keep my focus on the present by not analyzing the deeds of others and worrying only about what I say and do.

July 14

”Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all – and hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.” G. K. Chesterton

I am human, I am flawed, I have limitations. I may have been created in God’s image, but this copy is severely lacking in omnipotence. Yet there is hope in this darkness. My Higher Power, as I understand Him, is willing to work through me, to let me love unconditionally, to forgive everything and anything, to have unending and enduring faith and hope. I need only ask and let myself be open to letting Him guide me. On my own ability I will always fall short; I simply do not have the capacity to do these things like my Higher Power can. Trying to live like this is completely different than anything I have ever tried. It requires a near complete surrender to God’s will and acceptance of those things I cannot control. It requires me to love my enemies like my friends, to be brutally honest with myself and others, to love myself as I am – the good, the bad and the ugly. It is easily the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do, and it takes strength beyond that which I possess. I need to pray regularly to live as my Higher Power sees fit. I have not given complete trust into this process but I am making an effort.

Affirmation I am capable of many things but with my Higher Power by my side anything is impossible.