March 31

”Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” Lao-Tzu

I used to be attracted to the idea of being famous, of having enough “celebrity status” to influence people and to be able to make a difference. Yet the more I learn in my journey about being truly happy and about how I can make a real difference in the world, the more I realize that best way to go is to work on myself. It’s in mastering myself that I will become an attractive point of change. It’s a lot like the 11th tradition, that our group seeks to grow, not through promotion, but by attraction. When something is good and truly works, people will be drawn to it. There is also the aspect of service. Being well-known, being someone recognized as a leader, as the take-charge kind of person is one thing. But to be a servant, I believe, is even more powerful. The names that come to mind – Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Princess Diana – provide strong examples of the power of servitude. So allowing myself ot be a good servant, to work to help others grow and succeed is by no means a misplaced effort. I think there are professions which are like this by their very nature, nursing and teaching come immediately to mind, among others. If I think about people whom I would consider truly wise and strong, they certainly fit into the category of knowing themselves well. They are people who are not focused on others first, but in being living examples of what they believe. I am here to live my own life, no one else’s, so it makes sense that I need to have the best relationship with myself that is possible.

Affirmation

In learning about myself I will become a centre of change and make the difference I want to see in the world.

March 30

”All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts.” James Allen

Responsibility is a personal trait, something that can come from no one else. I’ve spent too many years believing that others can give me responsibility but this is a false idea. Responsibility is something I must take, something I have to make my own. My fears of responsibility, of not deserving to having it or to have more, are my own business. They transform into excuses of why others have not given me what I think I deserve, or feed my efforts to put myself down, to not believe in myself. Sometimes, I am not as ready for the responsibility I want as I think I am. Usually it’s more that something is holding me back. This is where getting to know myself better can help to build my confidence. Having the courage to explore what I am lacking, confronting the fears that hold me back like the possibility of more rejection or another strike at my poor self-esteem, are steps to prepare myself for the additional responsibility I am seeking. My achievements are mine. If I want them, I need to be the one to go after them. Having something simply handed to me because I think I should have it is not truly an achievement. I need to work and earn my successes. My true successes start from within, in my thoughts where I decide if I will reach my goals of if I will give up when it gets tough. That mental fortitude to go the distance, not matter the cost, is what will help me succeed. Those thoughts are no one’s responsibility but my own.

Affirmation Failure and success are part of life. My responsibility is to keep trying and continue pursuing my dreams.

March 29

”Having talent is like having blue eyes. You don't admire a man for the colour of his eyes. I admire a man for what he does with his talent.” Michael Caine

I’m firm believer in the fact that I was put here for a purpose. I have faith that my Higher Power not only created me for a reason, but that I was given the talents necessary to realize that goal as well. So therefore I have an obligation to discover what my talents are, to practice and strengthen them, and most importantly, use them so that they will be shared with the world. This page, like those before it and those I expect to follow, is part of the sharing of my talents. My writing I know is an extension of my connection to the God of my understanding. It is my own wisdom shared for others to find and take into their own lives. I know that it has been my own words staring back at me that have reminded me of a message I truly needed to hear. That kind of evidence of a Higher Power is hard to ignore. I also see that evidence of a talent shared is something that draws me to other people. I am less interested in those who have great appearances than I am towards those making an honest effort to exploit their talents for the betterment of others. These are the kinds of people I want to surround myself with, who I know will be there for me no matter what, and who have a better appreciation of what it means to truly live.

Affirmation Step 12 tells me to seek to give back to the program, and to the world, the gift of recovery so that others may also share in its success, and my talents will help to do so.

March 28

”Life’s a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.” John Michael Montgomery

I wish I knew more, that I had enough insight to know what the results of my actions will be before I make them. Unfortunately, I’m not a fortune teller, and like most people, I am stuck trying to make the best decisions that I can with what I know at the moment. Sometimes I do a good job, other times not so much. And so life goes, struggling sometimes to find the right path. I am coming to believe that I have certain skills and resources that help in this part of my life. Letting go and seeking the will of my Higher Power and praying for guidance go a long way in making better choices more often. This also permits me the time to slow down, step back, and listen to my intuition, my “gut instinct” if you will. I am also more apt to seek other’s opinions and advice, welcoming comments and criticism of my plans. I also evaluate my decisions. This lets me review events to seek improvements. In doing so I have learned that decisions made in for instant gratification are often poor choices. So delaying decisions that have a quick reward is a healthier option. Making decisions when there is a high level of emotions is also not usually wise, so instead I may write out how I feel or how I want to respond but review my message the following day before actually passing it along. This is part of my Step 10 work in taking stock on a regular basis of my behaviours, attitudes, and situation.

Affirmation I may not have the confidence to make the best choices, but I am learning ways to make better ones.

March 26

”People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wicked when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down” The Doors

The word “isolation” in French translates to “insulation” in English. I’ve had some fresh reminders of what I am like when I isolate, and I see a resemblance to the insulation that is provided by my addiction. Insulation does two things, it keeps things in on one side, and out on the other. The insulation of my addiction keeps my feelings inside myself, not able to be released, and it keeps others from me by steering me to isolate and keep to myself. There are still many old habits that can innocently sneak up on me to send me back down the path of my middle and inner circles. Simply having a few more drinks than normal, watching too much TV, resisting going to sleep at a good hour, or other such activities can weaken resolve. Often for me, these are coupled by a lack of good outer circle behaviours like getting to a meeting, reaching out, journaling, prayer and meditation. This combination of less desirable actions with less attention to working my program can easily lead to a slippery slope. I’m recognizing that this sets my up to a state where I do feel like I am insulated, where a barrier is up in front of my emotional centre and where I am less enthusiastic about staying connected to others. This needs to be a warning to me that I am not in a good space. The insulation has a cost, and I no longer need or deserve to fulfill the desires of my addiction, I am worth more than that.

Affirmation When life gets a little too comfortable, when I don’t feel like making a true effort, I need to stop and evaluate where I am and make sure I am safe.

March 24

”Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I can see that most of my learned behaviours about anger and frustration have been misguided. Primarily I act out of anger or rage when something some when says is too close to the truth, and is something I just don’t want to admit is true. In those moments, I react because I feel threatened, but in reality someone is providing me with the gift of a mirror if I have but the courage to take it and look. I don’t often spend enough time looking at myself and those things “about other people” which bother me. As I grow in my self-awareness, these troublesome traits and behaviours are almost always things I don’t enjoy about myself. And I am not usually open to having someone else point my flaws out to me. Yet in reacting I do a few things that are harmful. I reject the advice and usually constructive criticism of others which should be a catalyst for personal growth. I reject taking a good and serious look at my defects of character. And I often respond with hurtful words and actions that wound others, as well as myself. Anger used in this manner is indeed acidic.

Affirmation I will acknowledge other’s comments which deeply bother me as aspects of myself I need to examine more closely as my own shortcomings.

March 21

”One of the marks of excellent people is that they never compare themselves with others. They only compare themselves with themselves and with their past accomplishments and future potential.” Brian Tracy

Comparing myself to others was a tool used by my addict. It was the self-measuring stick that showed my deficiencies, how I was never as smart, good-looking, athletic, etc. as someone or everyone else. It has never served any good purpose in my life in helping me strive to be better, to perform better, or to work harder. Comparison is also a defect in my recovery. When I listen to others share their experience, their accomplishments, if I feel a tang of jealousy for in hearing their story, then this is a warning sign. The jealousy comes, not because I think I deserve to reach the same goal of sobriety or whatever the situation entails, but because it’s easier to blame someone else than admit that maybe I am not working hard enough for my own recovery. My recovery process is my own, because my trail of addiction is also my own. It’s not the same as anyone else’s, so trying to compare is a waste of time. Comparing to my own story, however, is a good guide in seeing how well I am doing against my past behaviours, to see how much or little things are really changing. The best guide to see is looking at how much better I am surrendering to my Higher Power’s will, as opposed to still following my own.

Affirmation When I compare myself to someone else, it is a reflection of where I have a shortcoming. I will be aware and turn this thought inwards to drive change rather than envy.

March 19

”I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” W. B. Yeats

It’s scary business being a recovering addict some days. Lifting the fog of my compulsive behaviours continues to show me how large the world around me really is, how much there is being offered, and how many things I dream and strive to realize as I set goals. Each day is a new story, a new miracle, waiting to be discovered. I am so grateful that I can dream big, that I am gaining the confidence that these dreams are not simply things that will stay in my thoughts, confined to my wandering mind, but can actually be made real. It is wonderful to know that I have the skills, resources, and willpower to take meaningful steps towards achieving my biggest wishes. In dealing with my past I am learning to push past my fears, to ignore the tape reel in my head that I am not worthy, capable or deserving of success, prosperity and happiness. I know that with my Higher Power anything is possible. I am learning how to ask for the resources, tools, and strength to pursue my dreams. I am no longer my worst enemy in preventing a happy, wholesome and hearty life. I will be all that I can be.

Affirmation My dreams may be a carpet, but I will no longer treat them as something to be walked all over. They are precious and I will cherish, nurture and achieve them.

March 17

”Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” George Bernard Shaw

I remember seeing this quote around the time I started my first “real” job after university. I recall thinking that I was going to enter a workplace with a rigid structure, with set principles and practices, but that I wasn’t going to let them “break me.” By that I meant that the environment and rules wouldn’t stop me from challenging the status quo, or from looking at new or better ways to do things. After more than a decade, I think I have still managed to keep the attitude, with maybe a little more tamed enthusiasm after coming to terms with the corporate mentality and reality that change tends to be slow. I have still had and taken the opportunities I have been able to be an agent of change and to push for things to be different. It still grates me to here “you’ll do it this way because that’s the way it’s always been done.” I am grateful that this attitude also translates into my personal life, and my recovery. It is a driver for me to continue looking for ways to improve my program, to expand my horizons beyond what might be considered the “traditional” route. I firmly believe that there are many sources that can support my new ways of living, and that the 12 Steps can be worked into pretty well every aspect of my life.

Affirmation Challenging things is a good use of my intuition and talents. Today I will not afraid to ask the question “Why not?”

March 13

”Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steady gains in strength, At first it may be but as a spider's web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.” Tryon Edwards

Earning someone’s trust is a long journey. It takes many small acts, continued open and honest communication, and lots of patience. It is very delicate like building an intricate spider web. It is as fragile, easily torn by the smallest negligence, harsh word, or inappropriate act. It is through constant work that extra layers can be added to the web of trust, making it more resilient and less likely to break. Even though I am now in a new relationship with someone who was not with me during my darkest points, the past still leaves a taint. The uncertainty of me slipping back into my old ways creates tension and a hidden stress that I don’t always see in my partner. I need to be sensitive to this aspect of our relationship and to even be forward enough to talk about it first so as not to allow seeds of worry to grow and fester. I have faith in myself and my program of recovery. I am confident in my step work, the progress I continue to make, my sobriety and I have fewer doubts about falling back to my old patterns. But that in of itself doesn’t necessarily transfer to those around me; those are other relationships that require their own time and effort to nurture.

Affirmation I will continue all the small things to keep building my webs of trust and to improve my relations, with myself and others.

500

Wow, hard to believe. It was quite the experience to get the proof copy of my book, to hold in my hands a bound, color-printed cover, of my own words. And now I have 500 meditations posted on my blog, perhaps the good beginnings of a second book? Honestly though, the work here is done mainly for myself. My writing is a key part of my program, an important piece of my inner circle behaviours that allows me a venue to get out the things that are bothering me, that I am experiencing, and a place to give a voice to my emotions. I am grateful for this gift from my Higher Power. For those of you who continue to follow my journey and read my humble thoughts, I hope that you find solace in the sharing of my experiences.

In Serenity,

Scott

March 11

”Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” Abraham Lincoln

Happiness is another growth area. Life since finding the program has been a lot about dealing with the consequences of my past. Most of the work hasn’t been that pleasant, even if it has resulted in me carrying a lighter burden. Letting go of the past, making amends and other such growth activities are granting me the freedom to live a better life, but accepting the good things in it is still something to get used to. It is one of my goals to remain positive, to see the good in all situations. Some days are certainly easier than others as there are still people from my past, around me in the present, that are stuck in what happened. I think my most challenging relationship in that aspect is with my ex, somewhat less for things that affect me directly, but more for matters that concern our kids. Finding contentment each day can be a struggle. Allowing myself the right to enjoy life is part of being gentle with myself and not focusing on the things I can’t change. There are changings happening gradually to my inner dialogue that I am a decent person, that I deserve happiness, that I am worthy of the good things in my life. Like most things this is still a work in progress, a day at a time.

Affirmation I choose happiness. I choose to enjoy the moment. I deserve the good things that happen. I choose life.

March 10

”We live in deeds, not years: in thoughts not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.” Aristotle

Highly emotional settings are still a challenge for me. Weddings, funerals, large family gatherings and the like can situations that want to overwhelm me. It is a struggle to find balance and to have enough of my own space…or to have too much by isolating from others. There is also the fact that some of these events can trigger things from my past like a failed relationship, someone whom I have lost, or some other significant happening. Any of these can take me away from the present moment. It may also be part of my grieving that is still not quite finished. Hearing words like “what God has joined, let no man break asunder” can take me back to feeling like I have not lived up to expectations. There are many challenges to my beliefs and morals, and I can find myself questioning if I have made the best decisions. In the end I need t be aware of the state that I am in, and allow myself the time and space to feel my feelings, to just sit with my emotions and let them percolate through my system. They are there to be experienced and appreciated for what they are. I can recognize what they make me think about and what I am discovering in re-examining past events. This is all about getting to know myself better and become more ready to accept myself for all that I am.

Affirmation When a flood of emotions is upon me, let me find the courage to let them flow through me and learn all that I can to love myself even more.

March 9

”The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” Steve Hall

One of the things I am learning to recognize about my behaviours are the triggers behind them. I am starting to be able to look at moments where I feel I am on the defensive and look deeper at what is behind the situation before me. One that has been in evidence lately is that of respect. When I feel like I am not being respected, or someone whom I care about is being poorly treated, it really bothers me and can set me off. In looking at my past, I can certainly see this pattern, especially when the disrespect comes from a child. I can recognize that this is a pattern from childhood, something that my parents used to repeat, that a child should always respect their elders. This was particularly enforced by my father. The punishment for disobeying was a spanking and I have a better sense of why a similar urge comes over me in situations where I am now the adult. It is a step towards putting a better response into action. It’s hard admitting and recognizing that many of my behaviours stem from things learned as a child, engrained into my personality before I could really comprehend. Even more so that what I learned at a young age appears so naturally in my role as a parent. But I know that behaviours can be changed and finding out what needs to be different is an initial step in the process to better living.

Affirmation My growing awareness will allow me to look beyond my initial reactions to the root cause of my learned behaviours and false beliefs and will be another catalyst for change.

March 6

”The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there's gold in letting go of them.” John Seely Brown

I beginning to understand that many of my decisions and paths in my life have stemmed from false beliefs learned in childhood. Things like kids should be seen and not heard. That boys don’t cry or show emotion. That yelling is acceptable when someone doesn’t listen. There are many things I am beginning to realize had more of an impact on my life than I suspected. In analyzing my past I can see patterns emerging that make it evident why my life went the way it did. I was programmed to react in these ways without my knowledge. It’s a matter of me being a product of my environment, and having learned the lessons I did, good or bad, from my parents and others who influence me at a young age. So the next step after identifying these incorrect assumptions that I have lived by is to replace them with proper ones. So kids have the right to be heard and I teach my own children this rule. Boys can cry and have emotions, and therefore so can I as an adult. Yelling at someone who doesn’t listen does not encourage them to be more attentive but the opposite. Keeping my calm is much more effective. This is the work of the 7th Step, letting go of my defects of character. And it is teaching me a better way to live.

Affirmation In recognizing those parts of me that are built on an improper understanding, I can choose to replace them with better ideals and improve my own character.

March 5

”Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we are hurting or we will never know what is waiting for us around the bend.” Brigitte Nicole

So recovery teaches me to take things a step at a time. To get up each day and work my program. To work through all my issues one by one. To focus on the next day, hour, or minute as the case may be. The importance is the journey, that I continue to focus on Progress Not Perfection. This takes a great deal of trust and faith in my Higher Power. I have to surrender to His will, and accept that He will guide me in the right direction. In following the plans of the God of my understanding, I believe that there are great things waiting for me around the bend. I believe that it is through my suffering that I am encouraged to grow. It is from the pain that I learn to experience greater joy and beauty in the world around me. I know that taking the steps, sometimes blindly, is the right thing to do when I let myself be led by my Source. I will continue my journey no matter what it takes.

Affirmation The path that I have be given to have follow have many surprises along the way. I trust that my Higher Power knows what is best for me and has reasons for all that I experience.

March 4

”Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” Charles Spurgeon

I cannot control what is going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know what events will take place, good, bad or indifferent. So therefore, worrying about what may or may not happen really does not serve any purpose. If there are things about tomorrow that I can do something about today, well that is something within my control. All that worrying about the future does is take away from today, spending my energy on speculation. It’s personal effort that I can put to better use taking care of matters before me, or in preparing for things I expect to happen tomorrow. But being anxious is only wasting time today. So, back again to the moral of the Serenity Prayer, to focus on the things I can change. That means living in the present moment, and leaving the past behind and the future before me. All this worry about what may happen is a form of procrastination that serves no real purpose, unless I am planning and making concrete actions to avoid risks and pitfalls.

Affirmation I will focus on the tasks before me, living in the moment and letting the past and future where they are.

March 3

”Life is a cup to be filled not drained.” Anonymous

Acceptance of the good things in life is not something that comes easy. After years of putting myself down, of telling myself that I was worth nothing, that nothing good was ever meant to happen to me, it’s challenging to receive happiness and prosperity into my world. Yet this is what I always wanted and what I felt I deserved. My poor self-esteem is a fundamental part of this process. I am gradually rebuilding, slowly coming to accept that my view of myself has to start within. So on those days when I like who I see in the mirror, when I am able to recognize and congratulate myself on my achievements, these are steps towards loving myself once again. I take heart in the fact that I am surrounding myself with others who care about me. It is a comfort to know that I can be loved as I am. Certainly, if others are willing to take that step, I have to be able to do likewise and be proud to be who I am, and accept gratitude and reward as something I deserve because I do deserve it. It’s time for me to focus on filling my cup.

Affirmation I am worthy of recognition, acceptance, friendship, respect and love. First and foremost from myself, and certainly as well from others.

March 2

”Every winner has scars.” Robert N. C. Nix

Life events leave their traces on us. Some are good side effects that nourish and encourage us. Others are cuts, bruises, or worse that can diminish and hurt us. Some leave only superficial marks that wash away with a little bit of time. Others run deep and engrain themselves into a core part of our person. I can look at any or all of these and rationalize them to motivate me to be a better person, or on the contrary, to let them hold me prisoner, a victim of coincidence or fate. Life is what I am here to experience. If I want to live a fulfilling life, then I have to accept that it is a full contact sport. To be fully engaged means that I risk getting hurt along the way. I think those risks are worth taking. My time here is limited, and I want to experience as much of life as I can. I would like to have more good experiences than bad, but most of that is not there for me to decide. So I will look forward to all that fate has to offer as an opportunity, and leap at the chance to live 110%.

Affirmation In risking to live, I risk getting hurt. But not risking anything, is only existing. I choose life.

March 1

”Ego has a voracious appetite, the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.” Nathaniel Bronner Jr.

Hmm, I can relate a little to appetite, my addiction certainly has one. And it was an appetite that tended to have no end, a bottomless pit that was never satisfied. And based on the number of years I was in it, I would certainly agree that it got hungrier and hungrier over time. What I needed to consume to satisfy the craving had to get bigger, riskier, or simply more. My recovery had to look at ways to starve my addiction, to take away all the food and attention I was giving to it. Some of that work was fairly easy, but it only took me so far in helping to push away my cravings. Eventually I realized that my addiction was covering up a deeper need. And that need was my spirituality that had been covered, ignore, and displaced for too many years. The best way for me to defeat my addiction was to find the ways to nourish my soul. This is where focusing on my outer circle became crucial. Making new habits, focusing on all the healthy ways to take care of myself is what worked to diminish my dependence on my addiction.

Affirmation The choices I make can feed my recovery, or feed my addiction. I will pray for the guidance of the God of my understanding to make the right decisions.