February 10

”And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32

I spent many years hiding from the truth. I was too afraid to be honest, to be rejected, refused or abandoned for what I thought or how I felt. I lied, or told half-truths, or simply neglected to share things that I should have to stay authentic with myself and others. Years of living like that took its toll, and I became a prisoner to the layers of deceit that I’d built over the years. It’s taken many years to come to a point of living a more genuine and honest existence. I finally got tired of the burden of carrying all the deception with me. It is as though a great weight was lifted from my shoulders, my heart and my soul in becoming truthful. It’s a transformation that needed to start with myself as I had been dishonest with the most important person in my life – me – for a long time. The truth is not always easy. Doing the right thing is often very difficult. But once done, it’s done. There is no web of lies to remember or maintain, no recalling of what version of the truth was told to whom, who is implicated or not, or any of the hundreds of details used to make the mistruths believable. The truth demands none of that, it is simply what it is and I can always recall what it was. Honesty certainly keeps me liberated and open to participating more fully in life.

Affirmation Honesty, starting with being truthful with myself, is a key to turning over a new page in my life and committing to being in recovery.

January 8

”If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.” Mark Twain

Sometimes the quotes I choose feel more like they have been chosen for me. This one in particular made me laugh as I reflected on the irony of my past behaviours. It made me recall a period of my acting out days where I almost, but not quite, had to resort to making a set of cheat notes to keep track of the details of several people I was communicating with on-line. This was of course, after a couple of times where I had confused details from one person with those of another. Not only did I need to have a primary acting out partner, but had a couple back-ups on the go, you know, just in case. Oh the insanity! In all honesty, and no pun intended, being truthful is a lot less work. I don’t have to remember what story or excuse I used with whom, continue to invent more lies to keep the originals intact, until I was no longer able to see anything through the web of deceit. It might be more difficult, and often is right at the moment to be up front with myself and others, but in the long run it is always the better option. The time and energy I had to spend to maintain those falsehoods is much better spent in getting to know myself, reconnecting to my Higher Power and working my program. It is amazing how many more hours in the day I have now that I am in recovery.

Affirmation I can see that honesty really is the best policy and will allow me to continue to live in the moment.

November 13 (81)

”A man knows he has found his vocation when he stops thinking about how to live and begins to live.” Thomas Merton

Starting from “go” after having been sent there like in a game of Monopoly, fortunately having bypassed jail or other serious consequences, left me staring at a blank sheet of paper. Who am I? What am I? What are my values? Morals? Ethics? What is my purpose? All I seemed to start off with was a multitude of questions for which I had no answers and no obvious starting point. Having lived most of my years with my secret life running along in tandem left me questioning everything that had happened, every choice, every motivation, and every act. I had no idea what was real, what was fantasy or anything in between. Slowly the deluge of water through the flood gates calmed to a thunderous roar and I was able to at least grab onto small branches of truth as I was carried along through the surging waters. I discovered pieces of the real me amongst the flotsam and jetsam of my sordid past. Uncovering those true and core parts of myself is providing me with the building blocks to gradually construct a new life, one piece at a time, by the grace of God.

Affirmation I know there is a true person with me, waiting to be resurrected and given a new lease on life.