May 25

”I am not who I once was, Defined by all the things I've done Afraid my shame would be exposed, Afraid of really being known” Ellie Holcomb

Yup, those two ideas sum up the old me pretty succinctly. Afraid my shame would be exposed and afraid of being truly known. My shame was driven by the secrets I kept, those things that I thought I would never ever tell another human being, things that I thought no one could possible ever hear, understand or, heaven forbid, forgive. It was unimaginable to believe that there could be anyone who could know me as I truly was and still want to be with me. Yet I have found that within my fellowship. Those secrets, those dark hidden places within me have been brought out into the light. I have shared parts of me that I never thought could be discussed. It didn’t kill me. It didn’t cause people to go running scream in terror. It hasn’t ostracized me. I’ve not been banished to an island. Instead, I have found others like me, discovered that I am not alone, that I am not so unique in my illness, that there are those who can understand because they too, have been there. Who’d have thought this could be the case? I am not who I once was. I no longer define myself by all that I have done. There are regrets, there are many decisions that I wish I could take back, things that I wish never happened. But I cannot change any of that. The program has shown me that I can leave the past behind, that I do not need to be a victim of my history but that in following the will of my Higher Power I can write a new story today, and every today. Each new day presents a new sheet of paper, filled with endless possibility where I can be the best me that I can.

Affirmation

I will explore all that life has to offer to me, put my best foot forward, and leave the past behind me as it needs not have any influence on today.

November 26

”Gossip and anger are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” Anonymous

I think I can relate guilt and shame into a similar context from my past. Guilt and shame were the poisons that I used, and that I expected would excuse me from my behaviours by making everything someone else’s fault. It gave me the 1001 excuses to write off my poor choices and actions. I have found a cure, and it was the 12-Steps that brought it to my attention. The answer – no more secrets. Honesty is the key to my recovery. My addiction thrives in the darkness, and flounders in the light of the truth. Only through rigorous honesty, first and foremost with myself, do I have a chance of regaining sanity and a life that is worth living. I choose to avoid poisoning myself. Honesty allows me to admit my mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, and to seek to make true amends for the hurt and damage I have caused. I know too well that holding on to the guilt and shame, nurturing them and helping them grow, was a path to my own destruction. The truth is building a new road to the future, even if it needs to be lain one brick at a time.

Affirmation I need to let go of the weights of the past, the guilt and the shame, that held me captive in my addiction. Honesty is the breath of fresh air that will lead me from my prison.

October 21

"The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold.” Aristotle

I think this is one of the first quotes that really hit me in the face as I began my recovery. Coming to admit that I had an addiction, to acknowledge probably for the first time the dual life I had been living was certainly difficult. I spent many weeks questioning everything about me and my past, trying to separate the lies from the truth. I know I practiced a lot of deception through my years of acting out. I think I was hard pressed to think of someone whom I hadn’t lied to along the way. It became part of my addict, seeking ways to disguise the truth to keep access to my compulsive and destructive behaviours. Through the program I have regained my capacity for honesty. Finding a group of sympathetic people where I was free, even welcome and encouraged, to share my deepest and darkest secrets and fears, has gradually allowed me to regain my faith in open and honest communication. I have shared so many things with people, complete strangers, which I thought I would never tell another soul. At a more basic level, I am truthful with myself and how I am feeling and this shows in my deeds as well.

Affirmation Honesty is truly the best policy and it’s only through the truth, through the revelation of my secrets, that I will be set free.

September 23

”The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift.” Pierre Corneille

A topic in a recent meeting made me reflect on how I found the program. After several episodes of leaving a trail to my acting out that were found by my partner, I finally had enough awareness to admit that I had a problem and needed help. A newcomer asked in this recent meeting about disclosure, and as I listened I could not help but recall how things had gone when I had been “put on the spot” to divulge everything that was going on. I know being unprepared and unsure what or how much to say did not help in my own personal circumstances. Some good advice and suggestions were offered by those present. Try and have some recovery under your belt to better understand the consequences and be prepared to face them. Talk with a sponsor and/or therapist about what to say. Try to have the conversation in a controlled environment with a professional – sponsor, therapist, or clergy – to help guide the emotional reactions. All good ideas for someone who has the luxury of creating the opportunity to reveal their secret. In the end that is what disclosure is all about. The program clearly shows that we are only as sick as our secrets. The only way to not have secrets is to share them with someone else. This is a key step in recovery and in become honest with ourselves.

Affirmation I will be aware of any secrets I may still have and find the right time, place and person to share them with.

February 16

”There is no entering into the secret thoughts of a man’s heart.” Lord Mansfield

When we first came to SAA, many of us had the impression that we would never find anyone like us, no one who shared our dark secrets. It was surprising for most of us then at our initial meeting to find just how much we had in common with others in the room. What a pleasant relief to know that we were no longer alone! While it may be true that no one can truly understand our lives and our secrets, we come to trust in our group and do find compassion and empathy in those who have a greater understanding of our addiction and the impact it can have on our lives and sanity. It is comforting and reassuring to come back to our meetings on a regular basis, or even after a number of months or years, knowing that we are among equals who genuinely care for us and want to support us on our path to recovery. The miracle of our meetings is also the fact that in sharing our own story, our discoveries made during our own recovery, that we help our fellow members continue their own journey. We truly do accept that we all need to lean on each other from time to time to make it through our difficult periods.

Affirmation I will share my journey, mostly for my own recovery, but with the knowledge that my words may help my fellow members.