September 30

”Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and deeper it sinks into the mind.” Samuel Taylor

My father used to say that he wished he could beat me over the head with all his wisdom and experience, in the hopes that it would sink in and help me avoid many of the pitfalls of life. He certainly tried hard enough to let me take all his hardships as proof that I did not need to follow similar paths in my own life. Unfortunately it seems that I was destined to learn through the school of hard knocks myself, and have taken the harder, painful road more often than the gentler way. Advice and criticism are still things that are hard for me to accept in my daily life. Somewhere along the way I learned that I was supposed to only rely on myself to get by, which has had the side-effect of making me react adversely to critiques by anyone, even those with the best intentions behind them. Here is a major character defect to turn over to my Higher Power and work at letting go. Being a parent myself, I am more aware how much further a gentle push goes than a hard shove when trying to show my children how to obey and respect the rules and others. The softer way is hard for me to show, only because my own frustration is usually getting in the way. I have to remember that it took me years to learn patience, how to do many of the daily chores and tasks before me, and that my children simply haven't reached that stage of their life yet. Gently, gently as she goes, and all will be well.

Affirmation

I will try to focus on where someone is coming fromwhen they give me advice, it is not an attempt to make me look bad, but to help me because they care about me.

September 29

”And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” Abraham Lincoln

These days, weeks and months of sobriety have given me the freedom and opportunities to look at my future. Some of that focus has been thinking about what kind of legacy I want to leave behind. Some of it has been looking at the things I would like to accomplish or the places I would like to go. One of the most interesting exercises/experiences I have done was a reflection on how my priorities in life would change if I found out I had only 1 year left to live. This made me challenge the things I am doing today to look and see if there were important things that are often being pushed to the side. I know it has made me more conscientious about spending time with those close to me, family and friends alike. It has also helped me to view of my worries and fears from a new perspective that makes me want to think about them a lot less. The biggest improvement in my life is my continually growing aptitude of living in the moment. Putting the past behind me and leaving the future to happen in its own time are huge hurdles to overcome in living for the now. Yet this is where I am needed most, right here is where I have the most to give, this exact instant is where I have the power of choice. My Higher Power has given me a huge gift, the freedom to decide what I want to do with the time that has been given to me. It’s high time that I take that responsibility seriously and respect this precious offering.

Affirmation

Time is an insubstantial thing, except for the moment I am in. It is here that life, decisions, and everything is tangible. This is where I need to be to make my life exceptional.

September 23

”Many people love in themselves what they hate in others.” E. F. Schumacher

It’s become apparent in recovery that often the things that bother me the most about my parents, my kids, my boss, my partner, my friends, etc. are those things that I don’t like about myself but haven’t fully admitted to having as defects of character. When I see others who are impatient, quick to judge, lacking respect or a number of other things, I am well aware of the problems of others. What I often fail to see is the mirror being presented of my own damaging behaviours. I guess part of this is human nature, of not wanting to admit that I am at fault or to blame. But often that is the case, and I just do not want to take the time to own up to my own shortcomings, to take that hard honest look at myself and admit that I was wrong. It’s so much easier to find fault in others then to find it in myself. But, and this is an important lesson for me to remember, there is nothing I can change about someone else’s problems. Mine, however, well, there is a lot that can be done to make things different. Step 6 is about being willing to let my Higher Power remove my shortcomings, to start letting go of the poor behaviours of the past that no longer serve me in a useful fashion. An interesting part of this process is that it gives me the freedom to start seeing the good things in others that I like about myself, instead of only focusing on those aspects I don’t like. This is a positive change of view and just another sign of my personal growth in my journey of recovery.

Affirmation

I will look to see what bothers me about others today and reflect on my own issue with that behaviour or character flaw. Perhaps there is more for me to learn and change.

September 14

”A hug is a smile with arms, a laugh with a stronger grip.” Terri Guillemets

There is a special power in a physical and intimate connection with another human being. I used to think this only meant a sexual connection, but I am beginning to see there are many different shades of intimacy. I have been able to establish friendships with members of the opposite sex, without fear of attraction or crossing the line. At the same time, I have also been working on developing closer relationships with people of the same sex, and finally moving behind the casual into deeper connections where we can discuss very personal things. I have many good friends now, and I have more and more opportunities to be hugged. There is a lot involved in a good hug, and I can sense the other person’s authenticity, caring, strength and love. I try to focus on similar things so that they are shared and felt by the person I am hugging. It is a transfer of energy, and a building of closeness. It is another reminder that I am not alone. And even if I am alone, well, I can always hug myself. I experienced a workshop activity where I was given an opportunity to do some reconciliation with my inner child. During the process, because it felt like the right thing to do, I hugged myself and gentle caressed my own face and ran my fingers through my hair. It was a unique experience in taking the time to appreciate myself, and give some much needed self-care in a way I have never done. It was also a reminder that I need to love myself and take care of all my aspects, and that I don’t, and shouldn’t, have to rely on others to meet my needs all the time.

Affirmation

Intimacy is something that can be learned. I need to learn to be intimate with myself, and intimate in other ways than just sexually with others.

September 7

”My story isn’t sweet and harmonious, like invented stories. It tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dreams, like the lives of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.” Hermann Hesse

Wow, what a quote. For me it sums up perfectly life before and after admitting that I had an addiction. Life before was a fairy tale that I was trying very hard to continue to believe, pursue, and make a reality. Life since admitting I had a problem has been a wild rollercoaster ride through some pretty wicked weather. And this life is reality that I am learning to accept as it is, rather than pretend it is something else. Life is, and always has been, about choices. My past was filled of choices of avoidance, blaming, running away, or ignoring the truth. It focused on immediate and instant gratification; it did not care about the long term, or the consequences of my actions. It was short-sighed, selfish and very exclusive. My present is about acceptance, forgiveness, honesty, staying in the moment and trust. It is focused on real relationships, genuine connections with myself, my Higher Power, and other human beings. It cares about the moment, knowing that if I am doing well here, the future will take care of itself. It does worry about consequences and how my decisions and actions affect those around me. It has selfish aspects in terms of making my recovery and personal relationship a priority, but it seeks to balance that with all the other parts of my ever-expanding horizon of reality, which is very inclusive. All because I no longer wish to lie to myself, which makes me content to not have a life which is sweet and harmonious.

Affirmation

Reality is a mix of ups and downs, highs and lows, good, bad and sometime ugly moments. But reality is the better option, so God Bless the Mess.