July 30

”When defeat comes, accept it as a sign that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your current goal.” Napoleon Hill

Relapse is not much fun. Falling off the path of recovery and back to my old ways is not pleasant. It is a painful reminder that I have a problem. It is a step back to the guilt and shame of the past. It is a reminder of the failure – to myself and those close to me. It breaks trust, removes hope and crushes dreams. It admitting once more that I screwed up and needing to find the strength and courage to pick myself back up and to carry on. Routine was my biggest enemy this time around. Routine that involved me feeling like I am normal, like I don’t need to constantly be working my program. But my relapse has shown me this is not the case. The only way for me to stay sober is to make my program my new routine. Straying from my outer circle and all the important things in my healthy recovery sets me up to fall back. The addiction is always in the wings waiting for a chance to get back in the game. So my resolve has to be redoubled. I need to do most of the good things for me each and every day. That means activities like sleeping and eating well, getting exercise, spending time in my program, checking in with my sponsor or a sponsee, reading recovery materials, writing, prayer and meditation, and time with friends or loved ones. Each element plays it’s part in keeping me healthy. I need to make a checklist to review each day as part of my Step 10 inventory and then reflect on how well I am planning for success. Otherwise I am moving towards being vulnerable for my poorer decisions and behaviours.

Affirmation

My program is not perfect, but as long as I am willing to keep trying, I will get it mostly right and stay on the right path.

June 9

”Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.” Marsha Petrie Sue

I do believe that each day is a fresh start, a blank page waiting for my story to be written upon it. When I make a point of remembering this it makes each day a part of a ritual of renewal and rebirth, a chance to start anew and to see the limitless possibilities which lay before me. There’s the important part, when I remember. My downfall in this regard is simply routine. I am a creature of habit. I like to do the same things day in and day out. Trying to treat each morning like it’s the first day of the rest of my life is an attempt to break out of my mold, and to make every day a unique experience on purpose. This is not something that can be routine. It needs fresh, invigorating ideas and energy, a dash of naivety, and a bit of blind luck. As I heard someone say, it is my attitude, not my aptitude, which will help me achieve my altitude. My perception, where I put my focus for the day and how I lay the foundation in those first minutes after I awake, goes a long way in setting the stage for what will follow. I need to make a concentrated effort to be in the moment throughout the day, and not just caught up in the flow of what is happening around me. Taking the time to fully experience moments during the day keeps me grounded and connected to my Higher Power, and strengthens my reserve of serenity and clarity.

Affirmation

There are things I can to in starting my day which will make it easier to have a good one. I will take the time to pray, meditate, and find the energy to see all the wonderful potential that awaits.

July 29

”Make each day your masterpiece.” John Wooden

Each day is new, unblemished and full of possibility. When I keep to the routine of my program, start my morning with my daily prayer and meditation, and find time for the reminders like the Serenity Prayer, reaching out to other members, reading SAA literature, writing, working on my steps, I increase the chances of staying present to create a work of art that I will be proud of. This is not a claim of false pride but a sense of accomplishment, of a job well done, of a day spent living as my Higher Power wishes of me. When I lose sight of the simple things that maintain my serenity it does not take long to turn my day towards disaster. I need to be vigilant and aware when my thoughts and deeds are leading me astray from the will of the God of my understanding. I can very easily become distracted from the present by focusing on small things beyond my control. I need to give myself mental kicks in the butt to turn my attention back to the here and now. It is equally important for me to end my day the right way. For me that includes not eating too much sugar close to bedtime, going to sleep at a reasonable hour, reading, journaling or reflecting on the day, and closing by giving thanks to God for what I have experienced and discovered in the past 24 hours. It sets me up to get out of the right side of the bed in the morning.

Affirmation Sticking to my routine today may not guarantee success but it will certainly increase my chances.

May 21

”Life is pleasant. Death peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” Isaac Asimov

Transitions are certainly difficult in my life. I think in even simpler terms, what is comfortable is pleasant, or at the least non-threatening. Change, giving up something to be or to do something else, a small “d” death, is often scary and creates anxiety, fear and other negative emotions. I like my routine. It’s safe, it grounds me, and I enjoy knowing what to expect. Routine, though, also creates a false illusion that I am in control of a great many things – which is simply not reality. So when something happens to disrupt my day, it can easily throw off my entire state of serenity. Change happens all the time but my mind has a very selective perception and tends to ignore most of the details. Monday this week is pretty much the same as last week. Yet if I took a couple minutes to think, I know I could create a list of differences, from subtle to not-so-subtle. But my mind is content to treat them as the same despite the inconsistencies. My increased awareness of myself, my motivations and my actions also means that I am more conscious about change. For me this why my journey of recovery so often feels uncomfortable…but that’s exactly how it should be.

Affirmation I will use my awareness to focus on my discomfort today. Change can happen when I am not in a routine place.