July 30

”When defeat comes, accept it as a sign that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your current goal.” Napoleon Hill

Relapse is not much fun. Falling off the path of recovery and back to my old ways is not pleasant. It is a painful reminder that I have a problem. It is a step back to the guilt and shame of the past. It is a reminder of the failure – to myself and those close to me. It breaks trust, removes hope and crushes dreams. It admitting once more that I screwed up and needing to find the strength and courage to pick myself back up and to carry on. Routine was my biggest enemy this time around. Routine that involved me feeling like I am normal, like I don’t need to constantly be working my program. But my relapse has shown me this is not the case. The only way for me to stay sober is to make my program my new routine. Straying from my outer circle and all the important things in my healthy recovery sets me up to fall back. The addiction is always in the wings waiting for a chance to get back in the game. So my resolve has to be redoubled. I need to do most of the good things for me each and every day. That means activities like sleeping and eating well, getting exercise, spending time in my program, checking in with my sponsor or a sponsee, reading recovery materials, writing, prayer and meditation, and time with friends or loved ones. Each element plays it’s part in keeping me healthy. I need to make a checklist to review each day as part of my Step 10 inventory and then reflect on how well I am planning for success. Otherwise I am moving towards being vulnerable for my poorer decisions and behaviours.

Affirmation

My program is not perfect, but as long as I am willing to keep trying, I will get it mostly right and stay on the right path.

February 4

”Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.” Albert von Szent-Gyorgi

A large part of my healing process has involved redefining who I am. The realization that I lived a double life for so many years led me to question who I was, what my values where, and what I stood  for. Just as my addiction hid my spirituality from me, it also buried many of my other beliefs and principles that were contradictory to the selfishness and single-mindedness of my compulsive behaviours. Working the Steps, especially the 4th and compiling my personal inventory, was a painful, but productive process in identifying the person I am. It also brought me to the conclusion that I have a very powerful and freeing choice, I can choose to let go of those parts of me that I don’t like, which do not support me, and carry forward with only the positive pieces. It’s within me right now to be the person I want as only I can continue to let my past pull me down. It was hard at first to take an honest look in the mirror and stop seeing that dark shadow that lurked just beneath the surface. In time, as I have continued to surrender, as I delve deeper within myself, I am coming to accept that reflection which stares back at me. I know I am worth more than how I used to see myself.

Affirmation I have the power see myself better, to define who I want to be based on today, and not upon the deeds of yesterday.