August 21

”Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings, Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow.” Casting Crowns, Slow Fade

Looking back it is sometimes hard to pinpoint the moments where I crossed over into addiction. I don’t recall many events that pushed me into my double life. Rather, it was a long process, a number of incidents over the course of months and years that nurtured the darkness. A multitude of situations of rejection, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal and shame were the environmental causes that pushed me in a poor direction. I didn’t know better how to deal with these issues, and so my addiction with its false hope and promises, lured me into its clutches. The phrase from the quote “when darkness pulls the strings” really resonates with me, reminding how my addict felt like an evil part of me for so long. It was a diseased part of me, nothing I wanted to look at or acknowledge as being present. It has taken a great deal of introspection to see it more positively and to accept it as part of who I am. While my acting out and related behaviours were not the healthiest choices, they did still serve a purpose in protecting me and enabling me to get to where I am today. It’s the consequences that only added to my misery which make my addiction so unpleasant. The other cautionary note in this song is being wary of the little feet that follow. The last thing I want as a father is for any of my children to become an addict. Yet I know that my years in active addiction have had a negative impact on my children. I hope that my time in recovery, the changes that they can now see as I am living a better life, will serve as a better example.

Affirmation

Accepting the slow process of becoming an addict also helps me in accepting the slow process it takes to recover.

January 25

”Education is a matter of building bridges.” Anonymous

I have learned and continue to learn a great deal in recovery. The subject that I have learned the most about is probably me. In working my program, I have had to get know myself all over again. This is part of what I need to do to learn to be comfortable in my own skin again and to be able to trust and have faith in my abilities. The most crucial bridges I have been rebuilding are the one that connects my head to my heart, and the other that connects me to my Higher Power. Both of these were severely damaged by my addiction, less by direct attack than by simple neglect and lack of maintenance. My teachers have been my peers in the program, family, friends, and counsellors – in short, anyone I have been willing to listen to. There are certainly many other things I have had to learn as I deal with the consequences of my behaviour and the effects that it has had on all those connected to my life. Some of these have been more pleasant than others.  Dealing with loss, grief, and divorce are not places I really wanted to learn, but are things I have had to face. Dealing with my feelings, my ager, rejection, loneliness are also draining and unpleasant, but required in order to help me regain a sense of emotional balance.

Affirmation If I remain open and teachable, I know the lessons I learn, even though they may not be enjoyable, will help me to continue making progress in my journey of recovery.

September 24

”I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” Pietro Aretino

Joining SAA has been the start of a re-commitment to being honest. It is hard to start being truthful to myself, admitting my mistakes, acknowledging my actions, and being prepared to accept the consequences. It has been a simple admission that I am not a bad person but that I have made poor decisions that led me to my bottoming out. Today is about making better choices. I have more confidence as I know I don’t need to do things all on my own. I am learning to trust in the God of my understanding to remain teachable and open to His will. The atmosphere of my meetings has provided me safe haven to share my secrets and deflate their power. It has allowed me to accept myself as I am, the good parts and the not-so-good all mixed together. I feel much less shame about who I am and what I have done. My continuing journey of self-acceptance has enabled me to carry this confidence into the rest of my life. I am improving as a father, as a colleague and as a friend as I connect with others rather than isolating and hiding in my own little world. Honesty is a regular part of my day, in all things big or small. It’s important to me that I be an authentic and genuine person. I feel better at the end of the day knowing that I have followed the better path in dealing with others and with myself.

Affirmation For today I will focus on telling the truth and in listening to the true way I feel as events take place around me.