April 29

”Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.” Margaret Lee Runbeck

That simple phrase “I’m sorry” took a while to have meaning again. For too long, I had been like the boy who cried wolf, and apologizing had little meaning because it was a hollow act, only meant to appease people for the short term to allow me to get back to the comfort of my addiction. It fell short of being something genuine and sincere, because it was not. Apology for me now has to also be coupled with amends. The dictionary defines amends as a form of compensation or reparation for a loss or damage of some kind. So like many instances in my recovery process, proof of change to others has had to focus on action and not simply on my word. Walking the talk has been required, on a consistent and persistent basis, to show that I truly am on a different path. Seeking forgiveness is just one of the areas where this has been prevalent. There is a definite power in humbling myself to admit my wrongs and to seeking to right situations. I am more genuine, more open to others, more human. It is a moment of grace, baring my weakness and admitting that I am not perfect. It also lifts a weight from my shoulders and my soul, letting me breathe more freely. It is a good practice to do regularly so that I do not carry my mistakes with me, growing in dark places and turning into shame and resentment. It is something to be worn as a symbol of my strength and self-confidence, a badge of honour and my commitment in working at improving myself.

Affirmation

Let me acknowledge my errors today, all the ways that I hurt those around me. I will seek forgiveness and make things right through amends to end the day with a slate that is cleared of wrongdoing.

April 27

”The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good.” Brian Tracy

Life is full, I am so busy doing things these days I often wonder how I managed to keep up my addictive life. There are so many activities to fill my time, so much I want to experience, that I wonder why I thought putting all my effort into one stream of behaviour would make me happy. There is so much more potential in each day, each hour, and each moment that I am grateful I am no longer wasting them by feeding my addiction. It is wonderful to be connected to the world once again. To be part of the rhythm of nature, connected to the ebb and flow of the seasons, beginnings, endings and the transitions in between. To feel the surge of energy in the spring time, to rejoice in the return of the birds and their songs forgotten through the cold winter. To bask in the sun, feeling its warmth penetrating into my soul. To watch the leaves change to burnt yellow, fire orange and crimson red and fall to the ground as the trees prepare to sleep through the winter. To see the perfect snowflakes floating in the air, each unique like one of us, to build a snow man or fort, go skating or tobogganing, then warm myself around a fire with hot cocoa. Life is filled with thousands of small precious possibilities that I took for granted, tossed aside ungraciously as I slaved to fill the relentless desires of my addictive self. As I rediscover myself, fill my days with my outer circle behaviours and activities, the whole world is once again my playground. And I am like a kid again, just waiting for the next adventure.

Affirmation

Each moment is precious, a possibility for a small wonder to be experienced and cherished. May I accept each of these tiny gifts and make them a part of my recovery.

April 26

”We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.” John Green

I still recall how I felt when I finally admitted that I had a problem. I was numb, no longer able to find any joy or pleasure in the world, truly a walking zombie. I felt broken, like I had wasted most of my life being a subject to my addictive behaviours. There was little hope, only darkness, despair, regret, and shame. I was a monster, and felt I only deserved to be punished. SAA gave me hope. I am glad I found it, glad that my father had been through AA and that I knew at least a little about the 12-Steps. Going for myself, for my own troubles was still difficult, but I was encouraged to have some familiarity. And knowing that my dad had managed to stay sober gave a glimmer of hope. It was certainly the stories of the men and women I encountered in those first months, their experience, strength and hope that showed the program could work for my issues as well. I saw their courage, their new found lease on life inspiring. I saw many examples of lives that should have been broken beyond repair, beyond forgiveness, beyond the reach of goodness. Yet I was surrounded by overcomers, and that gave me the will to put my faith in my own Higher Power and the program. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Affirmation

The human spirit and soul are resilient. There is always hope to change as long as there is breath in my body. I can and will overcome if I but trust in the process.

April 25

”You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” Walt Disney

I used to think Hollywood movies only had the purpose to entertain, to fill a screen with mindless pictures and sound for a couple hours to distract us. And while that may be true of some films, certainly some genres more than others, many films do have depth and important messages that I am better able to see. There are many lessons of life, and authors, poets, artists of all kinds use their medium and talent to share those with the rest of the world. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I need to see the same movie or painting a few dozen times before the message comes through. Yet I am aware why certain things have a draw that keeps me going back to them, that there are messages within that resonate to my beliefs and values. One of the many lessons I have learned through literature and movies is that my past, no matter how dark or devastating it may have been at times, can be overcome. My potential to do great things is not limited because of where I came from, or what I have experienced. To the contrary, much of that can serve as motivation to propel me to make the world so much better because of how I suffered. So I can be grateful for that kick in the teeth, today at least.

Affirmation

With growing awareness I will find messages of hope and strength all around me. I need to simply keep looking and there they will be.

April 23

”You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.” Mahatma Gandhi

Life in recovery is quite different than a few years ago at the height of my addiction. Whereas I used to spend as much time hiding from the world, and trying to do as little as possible that wasn’t acting out, today I am trying to enjoy each and every moment. While I am working at being present, making better choices, I am still not aware of all the results of my actions. Things can happen days, weeks, or even longer after I have done something that seemed pretty insignificant at the time. So there has been a lot for me to learn in turning things over to the will of my Higher Power and trusting in His path. I can’t foresee what the future holds, nor what may come from the simplest choices in the longer term. I have seen enough good, even great things come from small choices to disregard the fact that there is a bigger plan in the world in which I play but a small part. Doing nothing is no longer a viable option in my life. I have gained too much self-awareness through the Steps to ever consider going back to where I came from. I am seeing rewards that I never dreamt would have been possible in the short time that I have given my life over. Why would I even want to consider stopping what is having such a profound impact on my own life and those who I come into contact with? Recovery is so much better than anything I have ever experienced before.

Affirmation

I will focus on doing what I can today, and will work at turning things over to my Higher Power to follow the path that is being laid out before me.

April 21

”Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

The Bible has been one of the many resources added into my recovery reading. It’s partly due to the fact that my own Higher Power is God, and that work is his word captured for mankind to read and learn. But it’s also because the more I read, the more often I see phrases and ideas that have come to take on their own life in society, but are often quoted from other sources. Like the opening quote today, for example, which has a striking resemblance to other quotes about worrying about the future. This passage is a good reminder for me, no matter what the source. Today and the events that will arise will certainly be enough to keep me occupied. I don’t need to add to today’s pressures by worrying about things that might take place tomorrow. I do hope that I am getting better at looking at my day more positively though, not anticipating all the “troubles of today” that await me. My focus needs to be on living in the present, being aware of what is happening at the current moment. This is the time I have to work with, where I can make the choices and exert the influence that will make a difference in my life and the world around me. This is the gift I have recovered in sobriety that I dare not waste as I have too often in the past. Here’s to living for today!

Affirmation

I will rejoice in the gift that comes when the fog of my addiction has lifted, which is living in and for the moment. What a joy to simple be present in the world once again!

April 18

”I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has to get down to work.” Pearl S. Buck

Ah, procrastination in disguise. I don’t feel like doing such and such. Oh, I will wait until I am in a better mood. I’m too {insert mood} to do that now. Now here’s a middle circle behaviour that I need to be cautious of letting take too much control. I am realizing there are a number of dangers in putting things off. First, it wastes time. For any given thing that I procrastinate, I probably spend 2-3 times more time and energy rationalizing and justifying why I shouldn’t do it right now than it would take me to just get through it. Second, the more I put something aside, the less important it feels and the less inclined I am to do the next time I remember that it needs to be done. Lastly, it affects my attitude in a negative way about other things I need to do, it becomes a trend to “do it tomorrow” when tomorrow never comes. I know I have a pile of round tuits – somewhere. Work is work, and there usually no getting around it. To get something done, I am going to have to spend the time and put the effort into it, whether or not I like it. So isn’t it so much better for me to grin and bear it, or force myself to like doing it (even a little)? The reward could simply be to have more time to do something that I will enjoy. That’s a pretty good reason to tell the truth.

Affirmation

My mood, like my attitude, can be an obstacle to progress. I will reflect on where my mood is as I navigate through today.

April 17

”Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There are things that happen in my day or week that I don’t enjoy or look forward to. Bad news, a last minute change, or other unexpected event can shake up my routine, at home and at work. This is a part of life, one of the limitless things I can’t control, and this is simply reality. My choice in how to act in these situations is usually the extent of what I am able to control. The best defense I have to working through times like this is consistency. It’s my perseverance in making my program a priority that will help me to cope better. It has felt frustrating at times to feel as though I am trying so hard in recovery, to have hard times continue to fall on me, and wonder why I keep trying. I need to accept that the world isn’t going to pause until I am strong enough to face everything and fully recovered. Life is a struggle. Some days are pretty easy. Many aren’t. Expecting that the path of recovery will be paved in rose petals isn’t necessarily a realistic view. Or maybe it is, if I add all the thorns that are lining the edges of the road that can tangle me up. As long as I continue to work my steps, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way, without adding even more problems into the mix. I will make it to the gate of success.

Affirmation

The slogan “Keep on keeping on” is one for me to recall today when life seems to be working against me. I will keep focused on doing the best things for me and my recovery.

April 14

”Attractiveness will get you noticed, intelligence will gain you recognition but being unforgettable is based on your attitude.” Calvert Jones

I think I would like to leave behind a legacy of being unforgettable. I do believe that there is a purpose for my life, for the years I will be offered as a gift, and I hope that I make the right decisions to reach that achievement. I am confident that I have or will be provided with everything that I will need to realize that goal given to me by my Higher Power. I am not interested in being attractive or catching the attention of others. I have always believed that there was more to know about a person than simply their appearance. I don’t hold much weight for my own, not to the point of being vain, but I do enough to take care of myself. I struggle with recognition for my intelligence, my ability, my talent. I often question what right I have to share my thoughts, ideas, etc. with others. This is gradually changing, not because I am being received differently by others, but as my attitude changes. I am seeing that what I have to share is part of my path of following the will of the God of my understanding. Attitude can certainly make all the difference.

Affirmation

Life is very different depending on how I decide to approach it. Today let me face it head on, and welcome everything that comes my way.

April 13

”Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as adversity has done. Out of pain and problems have come the sweetest songs, the most poignant poems, the most gripping stories. Out of suffering and tears have come the greatest spirits and the most blessed lives.” Billy Graham

It’s true that nothing drives change more than pain and suffering. I’m realizing now that’s always been the case for me, but it is also where the talents given to me work the best to get me through it. I wish I had put the two together sooner, I might have suffered less. It’s my talent of writing that is my God-send to help me through those difficult times. It started in my teens, and while I was going through that awkward journey to adulthood, I wrote many poems during my times of sadness, depression, rejection and loss. I am only realizing now that was a healthy way for me to cope, and it was something I took for granted. It is those same skills that have been the foundation for my work these past years. Putting my thoughts to paper, allowing my self-conscious and the will of my Higher Power to guide me, has started to bring forth wisdom in my moments of clarity. But all these comes from the foundation of darkness I had to go through first in order to need to work my way back towards the light.

Affirmation

I acknowledge that it is through pain and suffering I am prepared to experience the better things that will follow, and to appreciate them all the more. I will look to my talents to help me navigate the stormy waters.

April 12

”A brave man acknowledges the strength of others.” Veronica Roth

It never ceases to amaze me what I learn about myself from the most unexpected moments. I have been happily handing out the initial copies of my first book to friends and brothers and sisters in the program who have been kind enough to support me. I went through with the publishing because it felt like the right thing to do, and not because I was seeking recognition or reward. For me, it’s purely part of my recovery and certainly my 12th Step work of passing the message to others. So what I was prepared for has been the response from those who are taking a copy. I haven’t grasped the impact I have had on the lives of those around me, and I am gaining insights that I might never have known. This in some ways has been a little challenging as I have had a difficult time accepting praise and recognition in the past. I am also striving to be a humble person. So when I mentioned at a meeting in my sharing that I was there for somewhat selfish reasons, i.e. to pass along copies of my book, I wasn’t prepare when someone said in their opinion of me I wasn’t selfish at all. I am grateful for this program that is teaching others, like it has me, to be brave, and to recognize others. I know I am indebted to those who were there for me and said the things I needed to hear.

Affirmation

Knowing I am worthy and deserving of recognition doesn’t necessarily prepare me to receive the accolades of others, but if I remain humble and true, I can accept them with gratitude.

April 10

”Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.” Henry David Thoreau

Success and recognition used to be something I wanted desperately. I needed that validation from others that what I did matter, that I had value and purpose. My importance had to come from elsewhere. Today, that attitude has changed. In growing through the 12 Steps I am learning that my value comes from within. My success is measured by me, by the goals I set, the challenges I overcome, the milestones that I surpass. In creating my circles and writing a sobriety contract with my sponsor, I have redefined my vision of success. Continuing to work my program and focusing on the multitude of tasks in my outer circle make me a success as a human being and a member of society. Recovery keeps me busy. Once I made the commitment to work hard at staying sober, I jumped at many opportunities which came my way. I regularly attend meetings, I have a few sponsees, I participate in committees and I continue to read recovery material, work the steps, and of course write my meditations. My biggest success each day is being able to go to sleep, serene and sober.

Affirmation

Working the steps will help me put life into a better perspective and allow me to redefine things like success and achievement.

April 7

”Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” Isaac Asimov

Like everyone, I can get stuck in a rut of expecting certain people to act in certain ways because that’s just the way it is. It’s a stereotypical and even a little judgemental for me to do so, that there you have it, it’s one of my fallibilities as a human. Even though I am in recovery, changing myself and expecting that others should see the work and treat me differently, I don’t always afford others the same luxury. How very hypocritical of me indeed! So when someone does something “out of character” it usually takes me by surprise. Hopefully it’s a welcome surprise. In the past, I know I would have been suspicious of the sudden, good change but I can recognize that I am much more tolerant and accepting nowadays. I do believe in second (and third or fourth) chances for people. Things, and people, can and will change. I am grateful for the ability to experience this, and I know part of it has arisen through my growing ability to let o and not worry so much about other’s opinions. Focusing on me and what I need to change takes the pressure off trying to bend the rest of the world to my will. And washing away some of my assumptions certainly helps in making things look brighter.

Affirmation

It’s good for me to challenge my preconceptions and to open my views of the world. This is part of my healthy living.

April 6

”Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.” John Wooden

The Steps are teaching me humility. Where I used to think my exploits were something extraordinary, something I could brag about, or even be proud of, today I see them in a different light. Having found out that I am not quite so unique, that there are others with similar talents, has humbled me. However, more humbling have been the tales of those who have hit bottom because of their addiction, and the steps needed to rise from that dark pit. Thank you God for the humility to recognize how to use my talents. I have had fleeting moments of fame and recognition. In hindsight I attributed my successes to my own efforts, often without gratitude for those who had supported me, and certainly did not recognize my Higher Power’s role. Thank you God for whatever recognition you allow me to receive, I am grateful for it. I have succumbed to the sins of pride and conceit, of measuring myself against others and judging that I am better. This is a personal flaw, and is not a healthy stance for me to have. I recognize that I am as imperfect as everyone else in the world, and do not need to rank myself among my fellow human beings. I will be careful.

Affirmation

Humility and gratitude are great strengths of character that I will promote, to better myself, and to avoid pitfalls like conceit and jealousy.

April 5

”Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.” Benjamin Franklin

Finances are one of my big triggers. I wish I could say that it’s been the stress of having too much money, but rather it’s been the opposite. I am glad it is one of the many relationships in my life that I am learning to deal with in healthier ways. A recent workshop put my new views of wealth to the test. All the participants we asked in advance to choose the denomination of a bill that they felt best represented their personal value and to bring it to the event. This made me think for a few days about how much I felt I was worth. I am happy that, in the end, I decided that I wasn’t able to compare myself to a dollar figure. I recognized that I am worth more than money and that I couldn’t equate myself to a price. I won’t spoil the rest of the exercise by sharing it here, but I was enlightened by my personal experience, and by those shared by the other participants. It opened my eyes to see how differently money affects people and the influence it can have in one’s life. I am happy that this is a place where I regularly turn things over to my Higher Power and let go.

Affirmation

Today I will be thankful for those things in my life that have true value and be wary of worshipping false idols.

April 2

”Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” Aristotle

There are different forms of happiness. Having spent many years living for the temporary ones, those rewards of my acts of instant gratification, learning about true happiness has been good for me. It’s welcoming to find long-term happiness in things that are more real and meaningful. From true relationships with good intimacy, to time with friends & family, enjoying the simplicity and wonder of nature – all these are better ways to be content. The biggest challenge of all has come from within. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and to be able to accept and love the person staring back is a miracle. Knowing that it is inside me where my happiness starts, when I am truly okay with who I am, has been an important lesson. It’s a decision to be happy. I can choose to be miserable, to look only at the negative things which are happening around me. This is pretty easy to do. Or I can go in a different direction and look at al the good stuff that is happening, starting with my work on my new life. Being sober is definitely something worth smiling about!

Affirmation

Today I will concentrate on being happy, and look on the brighter side of life. Smile on, feet forward, let’s have a blast!